Jackie and Hyde: Missing Moments: Part 3

By Jaded (opheliadrowning@hotmail.com)

Disclaimer:  For no reason or rhyme, this show?  It ain't mine.

Summary: Missing scenes from "Kelso's Serenade."  Hyde point-of-view of the events of his day spent with Jackie at The Sizzler, at the mall, and in the Foreman's basement after she gives him a kiss on the cheek and says goodbye.

Slow Burn and Sizzler

            How could I possibly refuse a free meal, especially when it comes at the expense of Jackie Burkhart?  I'm thinking this is me doing my part to help the little guy—the working man—to help him get back at the rich, gluttonous capitalist pigs like say, Mr. Burkhart, head honcho of Fatso Burger.  You could probably call me the 'fro-wearing, tightless, unmerry man-toting Robin Hood of Point Place.  Yeah.  That sounds good.  I rob from the rich, give to me the poor (like myself), and smoke lots of good weed.  Yeah, you know what, being merry in that case wouldn't be half bad.

            At dinner at The Sizzler, Jackie just kept yapping and yapping about every single little annoying thing in the world, even about things I had never heard of.  Like totally, man, before this I didn't know what the hell Jordache was, and now I wish I could forget but it's been seared into my brain by Jackie's unstoppable vocal cords.  I mean, damn, that cheerleader sure has a mouth on her!  I had to go to the salad bar four times just so I could take a breather, and I don't even like salad.  That stuff's for the rabbits, man!  A man eats meat.  But later Jackie kind of made up for it when she insisted on ordering me a nice t-bone steak.  Good thing she did, because I was ready to draw blood, and she was the closest target.

            Funny thing though, dinner with Jackie wasn't half bad.  It was almost kinda cool.  I thought that she'd be bitching about Kelso the whole time (like in the past—who does she think I am—her girlfriend?) because those two,when the whole gang's hanging out,just won't lay off, but tonight…I dunno.  She talked about everything else.  She actually even tried talking to me.  That part was kind of weird.   She asked me what I thought of the newest Led Zeppelin song, but then she couldn't even name it.  Still, she was trying and that's okay in my book, though I didn't tell her that because then she'd get it into her head that I liked her or something completely implausible like that.

            But not even one mention of Kelso's stupid ass through the whole dinner, and we were there for over an hour (hey, when there's five flavors of Jell-o, you can't leave unless you try a little bit of each).  I think dumping Kelso was the best move Jackie's made in a long time.  Kelso's a friend, but damn, he's such a man-whore, and even Jackie doesn't deserve to be treated like that.  He just dogged her all the damned time, and I probably don't even know about half of them, because you know, I don't really care all that much, but cripes, the guy's an idiot. 

            Except now that Jackie's kicked Kelso to the curb she won't leave the rest of us alone.  I thought she hated the basement, but she's there every time I got downstairs or when I come out of my room.  Seriously, she's there constantly.  I turn around, and there she is, harassing me.

            Like before she offered to buy me dinner.  What was that about?  She just hung around, sitting on top of the washing machine like she belonged there, yammering away about how I'd miss her if she were gone.  How am I supposed to even know if I would miss her if she never leaves?  Chicks, man, they're all crazy.  Jackie's the craziest one of them all.

            I mean, when she asked me, "But I think if I left you'd really miss me.  Right?"  how was I supposed to respond to that?  No one appreciates a good burn as much as I do, but as a Zenmaster I know when it's a good time or a bad time to utilize my powers, and this was not a good time to burn her.  Although naked vulnerability is usually the best time to rub salt in somebody else's gaping wound. 

But it's always been a little different with Jackie anyway.  She's the kind of chick that needs to be burned when she's being a snotty nose rich bitch, but when she's all big-eyed and sad like this . . . man, I just can't bring myself to be mean.  Not even when I try.  Not even when it's like second nature.

But then she totally freaked out on me, man!   Like when she said, "But I noticed you're alone a lot and I'm alone a lot, so let's be alone together."

Does she have any idea what goes on when two people are alone together?  I mean, she and Kelso did it like dozens of times, and I'm sure she knows all about that kind of stuff.  So then what was up with her saying that kind of crap to me?  I know I'm near irresistible to the ladies, but I swore when I woke up this morning I put up my special anti-cheerleader shields.

But then the craziest part was when she followed me into my room.  For a moment there, when I put down my laundry and was about to get outta there, she gave me this look, and . . . well I just had to get out of there fast.  Close call.  I thought she was going to jump on me and pin me to the wall or something.  I mean, Jackie's hot and all.  Like, totally hot.  Gorgeous actually, when she keeps her big mouth shut, but she's…she's Jackie.  Man, that's just wrong.

And for a little while, I thought that kind of creepiness between us was over, but then she had to take me to the mall. 

So the mall: the middle class's secret torture weapon.  She insisted that we'd go, and go together, and when I told her that no, definitely, no! her eyes got all big and I swear, she was about to burst into tears and man, I've had crying Jackie on my hands before and it's a sorry, sorry sight, so yeah, being a bigger man, I gave in.  Anyway, she was driving and there was no way in hell I was going to walk back to the Foreman's house.  That's why man invented cars, so you wouldn't ever have to walk!  Anyway, while we were there I thought maybe I could shoplift some loot while she was trying on dresses or whatever, and the trip wouldn't be a total waste, but when I found these sweet new boots and was trying to figure out how I could smuggle them out, she totally blew my cover.

            "Hyde!  How does this look on me!"  Jackie came bounding out of the dressing room in this frilly purple dress and started dancing around me, and then all the salespeople started staring at us.  After that, there was no way I could be incognito.  One old lady shopping there (she had to be nearsighted) had the balls to say to one of the sales girls, "What a darling couple!"  About us.  Me.  And Jackie.  Me and Jackie.  What the hell, man!?  When she saw me eyeing those boots though, I thought she was going to rat me out.  She decided to buy the dress, but before that snuck up to the counter to talk to the cashier.  Paranoia man, I thought she got the girl to call the pigs to get me thrown into the slammer, but that didn't happen.  She actually surprised me.  It was a day of surprises.

            When we left the store, she pulled a box out of one of her shopping bags and handed it to me.

            I looked at it suspiciously, 'cause c'mon, Jackie being nice to me?  Me being nice to Jackie?  Something was definitely off-kilter with the world today, and I had to be prepared for the moment that some gigantic nuclear device exploded in my face.  I thought this was the moment…and it kind of was.  Because it was something totally out of control and radioactive, but in a good kind of way.

            "What's this?"

            She shrugged.  "A little something from me to you."

            New boots.  She had bought me the boots I had been checking out in the store.  She'd even gotten my shoe size right.

            "Jackie…isn't this kind of…weird?"

            She shrugged and scooted closer to me. "You've been really nice to me today, Hyde, and I just wanted to show my thanks.  Try them on, will you?  I bet they look really nice on you."  She smiled then, and hell, I smiled back, and well, they were really nice boots so I had to give them a test drive.

            It was nice.  Actually, nice, but then if things had been crazy before, they went straight-jacket nutty about ten minutes later when we went to her car to head back to the Foreman's house.  It was the Twilite Zone, Point Place style. 

            Jackie started babbling about what we were going to do together tomorrow.  Seriously, man, what was she on?  Today was a one day thing, that's what I was counting on when I agreed to it, and then she started crying.

            I hate it when Jackie cries.  I really, really hate it.  I hate it especially because it makes me turn into a total woman, and then I get all after school special on her, and it's just bad for the image, man.  Well she started crying 'cause I burned her, and then out of nowhere, like nowhere man, she tried to French me.  I'm all about making-out and doing it with random chicks, but not, I repeat, not with Jackie Burkhart.  Totally freaked my shit out, man!  Then she started all, "But Hyde, I thought we agreed that you were alone and I was alone...," but I had to stop her.

            Jackie's hot.  She's also really abrasive and annoying and loud and cheerleadery and bossy, but she can do better than Kelso.  She can do better than me, even.  Hell.  I don't think she gets that at all though.  I've seen her at school.  The dorks get boners when she walks by, and yet she somehow still thinks Kelso is the be-all, end-all of boyfriends.  She didn't seem to know this, so I had to tell her, had to make it clear.  I was even all, "You'll find somebody great," and I think she eventually bought it, 'cause she started the car and we headed off. 

I don't know if she'll find that "somebody great," though, but then again, what business is that of mine?  I just hope she doesn't go back to Kelso though.  I don't know how much more of that I could take. Having to be around for the dramatic stylings of Eric and Donna is enough for me, thanks, but to add more Kelso and Jackie to that?  I'd have to move to Canada.

When we got back though, it looked like a little of what I had said stuck.  Jackie had insisted on coming in.  I don't know what was up with that, but whatever.  Maybe she was waiting for Donna or something.  She just kind of lingered and asked me if I wanted to watch TV with her, and then asked if I'd get her a Coke.

When I was upstairs, Kelso and Fez apparently had come around.  I don't know what happened, but man, it must have been good because after Jackie left Kelso looked super-pissed.  He even did his stupid little girlie scream.

It was high dramatics, man, of which I totally approved.  When I asked her what was going on, she just gave me this look and said, "Nothing.  Nothing at all. Thank you Hyde for tonight, it was very special."  Then, the weird part about this being that it wasn't that weird, or that bad, but she gave me a kiss on the cheek and left. 

My cheek kind of tingled afterwards—probably an allergic reaction to her lip gloss or whatever—and then, seeing Kelso and Fez, I just had to rub it in.  She started the burn, and who was I to not finish it up?  "Isn't she nice?" I said, and of course, the new boots, I had to show them off.  It was good stuff, man. 

You know, I think Jackie has the potential to be some sadistic good fun, and maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I had to hang out with her alone together some other day.  Not that I'm going to tell her that, though, or make the effort myself. I'm just saying, if she wants to find me to hang out again or something, she knows where I am.  In the meanwhile, whatever.