Disclaimer:
Author Tsuzuki: First of all, absolutely NOTHING happens in this chapter. Also, I would to add that we are not to be held responsible for any deaths, health problems or mental conditions caused by reading this fic. And we got the Happy Flex straws from engrish.com. And I'm supposed to say something to the Soul Slaying dude, who's name is Drey, D-R-E-Y, DREY. SOMETHING!! ^-^
Chibiukyou: *glares*
Author Tsuzuki: whaaaaat? T_T
Chibiukyou: *munches slowly on gummi bear* …. *glare*
Author Tsuzuki: Fine, here. *hands chibiukyou the keyboard*
Chibiukyou: *continues glaring* …I think I'm choking on my gummi bear…. Itai! Anyway… *ahem* …er…I forgot what I was going to say in here…OH YEAH *glares* … His name is DRAYE…… I think. .;;;
Author Tsuzuki: …oh
Chibiukyou: *munches slowly on another gummi bear* …
Author Tsuzuki: *sweatdrop*
Chibiukyou: *AHEM* . anyway! I uh…didn't write this fic. I was an innocent bystander the ENTIRE time, I didn't write a SINGLE word! I'm not even typing this up right now…
Author Tsuzuki: Sure ya were….
Chibiukyou: LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU! …so if you're going to sue, sue her! *points* ^^ or I'll sic Muraki on you… and trust me, you don't want that…
Muraki: whahahay noahahaht? I'm loooooooaahahahts of fuuuuunnnnn….. eheheheh
Author Tsuzuki: …kowai… .
Chibiukyou: e.e!
Author Tsuzuki: Oh, and we don't own 'em. Just imagine what the manga woulda been like if we did! O_O;
Audience: We'd rather not….
Author Tsuzuki: Well, we don't want this to get to long…
Audience: too late….
Chibiukyou: and I've run out of amusing things to say. *deadpans and munches slowly on gummi bear*
Author Tsuzuki: It's…
Chibiukyou: Wait for it…
Audience: *readies fruit*
Author Tsuzuki: *gets ready to duck*
The Dull Life of a Shinigami
Part Two
…AKA Dieting is STILL Good.
"Tsuzukiiiiiiiiiiiiii~!" The nasal voice of his partner was really starting to wear on the poor abused Shinigami. Tsuzuki winced as Hisoka practically screamed in his ear while simultaneously glomping his arm. "I want some CANDYYYYYYYYYYY!!!" Hisoka screeched, tightening his hold on his partner as he could feel Tsuzuki begin to squirm out of his grasp. There was no way he was going to let him go before he got some candy. Even if he used the crowbar again.
"Anou…Hisoka…" Tsuzuki said, resisting the urge to run away. Run away quickly. Run away far and fast and away from the deranged impostor that had taken over Hisoka's body. "We have a case to go on…" He said in a valiant effort to get his partner back on track. Not that he didn't want candy, that is. Nothing would soothe his frazzled nerves better than a few tons of teeth rotting Costco sized vats of Red Vines ™. But what he wanted was not the issue right now. What was important was thwarting Hisoka's crazy sugar-induced, by eating his cakes mind you, state of mind.
"…" Hisoka paused, his eyes narrowing in concentration and Tsuzuki felt a bubble of elation form in his chest (no its NOT indigestion *glare at Tsuzuki* Now stop clutching your chest and yelling for TUMS) as his brain told him that the old Hisoka was back. "But Tsuzuki…" Purple eyes widened in joy as he heard the serious tone of Hisoka's voice reach his ears and he threw out his arms to glomp the newly returned boy. "The case IS about Candy!!!!!!" Tsuzuki blinked as he was glomped by Hisoka first. "Candy candy candy candy candy~!!!" The shrill squeal was back and Tsuzuki realized exactly WHY everyone kept saying Silence is Golden.
"…Right, so." Tsuzuki stammered for something to say. Hisoka DID have a point after all. They DID have to go get Gummi Bears for Konoe, but he was hesitant to give in to Hisoka's evil plans. But, he had to anyways because it was relevant to the plot and he had no desire to ride the hidden Ferris Wheel with Muraki again. No matter what he did, he always seemed to irritate the pale man, and that was not something he was too fond of doing.
(Author Tsuzuki *cracks whip* Get to work slave, no more introspectives on the structure of this fic…
Tsuzuki: *wails* What structure?! AND you have my name! You're supposed to be nice to me!
Author Tsuzuki: *cackle* I'm not who you think I am~! *rips off mask*
Tsuzuki: *Gasp* Oh no…its…
Author Tsuzuki: Yes! It is!
Tsuzuki: HAKUSHAKU!!!
Author Tsuzuki Hakushaku: hahaha…didn't know I was into S&M now did you?
Chibiukyou and the REAL author Tsuzuki: …no and we didn't WANT to know that either.
Tsuzuki: *pause*…CANDY STORE!!!
Chibiukyou and Author Tsuzuki: *smug smile* Good boy.)
Tsuzuki blinked as he looked around him, his arm firmly clutched in Hisoka's death grip. He was in the candy store. How he had gotten there was totally beyond him, but he had the sense that he had just had a very close encounter with his makers. Well, not really makers seeing as how they had never thought of, drawn or copy righted Yami no Matsuei but that was irrelevant to the plot. Hisoka cackled, it seemed that he had taken advantage of Tsuzuki's zone like state and had drug him into the store, seeing as how Tsuzuki had the money. Scary thought ne? Tsuzuki having control of the money. Hisoka pouted. He was NOT immature. Tsuzuki was the immature one.
Hisoka's eyes widened as he glanced around the shop, Tsuzuki's hesitance for candy, forgotten. This couldn't be! It wasn't right! It wasn't fair!!! Opening his mouth, he let out an unearthly wail.
"THERE'S NO GUMMI BEARS!!" The faint tinkling of glass echoed in the background, accompanied by the barking of dogs and somewhere, an irresponsible writer lifted his head.
"Shigure, what's the matter?" The red headed boy beside him asked, glancing over to where Shigure sat holding his head in one hand. Kyou blinked as Shigure set down the binoculars he was using to spy on Tohru working out in the garden and smoothed back his hair.
"Nothing Kyou kun…just a scream of unbridled terror and anguish. So, what do you say we invite Ayame over for dinner?" He quickly found somewhere else to be as Kyou's eyes began to darken.
But I digress, and Hisoka's cry not only alerted all the dogs in the area, as well as shattering all the glass in the shop, but it also grabbed Tsuzuki's attention. The purple-eyed Shinigami whirled around to where his partner stood, surrounded by broken shards of jars and windows, mouth dropped in sheer horror.
"…uh…" He said, not knowing what to say. The grudge of food was deep, and the loss of Gummi bears was disheartening, even to a most experienced Candy goer such as himself. Sighing, he decided to put aside his differences with Hisoka and help the poor boy out. After all, HE was the professional here, and poor Hisoka was just a novice in the intricate Art of Candy Chomping (ACC for short). Reaching out a hand to console his distraught partner, Tsuzuki steeled himself for what he knew he must do. "Hisoka… I'm sorry." He said, taking a deep breath. " I'm afraid that we will just… have to try another store." He winced as the green eyes in front of him filled with tears.
"Bu…but Tsuzuki…you don't understand…" He said, his voice shaking with barely suppressed sobs. "I need candy…now!" He held up a hand to ward of Tsuzuki's annoyed complaints. "I know it seems small and petty to you… but for me it is a matter of great importance… I realize that at one point I was nothing more than a bitter and angry shell of a boy, but once I had tasted one bite of that magnificence that you so flippantly called icing, I felt reborn. And now! Now! Now that I have found myself, you are going to tell me that we must go to another store?! I fear not my good friend, for lest we receive Gummi bears now, I cannot be held responsible for my actions." Hisoka finished with a dramatic flourish, bowing deeply as the other patrons of the candy store broke out into applause. Tsuzuki blinked, confused, as he stared at his once sane partner weeping delicately into a lacy handkerchief.
From behind him, Tsuzuki heard a chuckle. A chuckle that made fangirls weak at the knees. A chuckle that he knew meant somewhere, somehow, kittens were being thoughtlessly slaughtered, small children sold into slavery, innocent people's mail was being stolen right out of their own mailboxes… A deep, smooth, sinister, melodious, elegant, euphonious, resonant chuckle that could only belong to one person. A person who made fangirls weak at the knees. A person that he knew thoughtlessly slaughtered kittens, sold small children into slavery, and stole innocent people's mail right out of their own mailboxes… A smooth, sinister, pale, elegant, cunning, obsessive, maniac, person that could only be…
(Chibiukyou: Hijiri!!
Tsuzuki: Tatsumi! Hey it could be Tatsumi… smooth… obsessive…
Fic: Get on with it!
Tsuzuki: elegant… maniac…
Fic: I said, "Get on with it!"
Chibiukyou: Aw, you're no fun anymore.
Fic: But it's my only line!)
…Tsuzuki paused as he heard drumrolls beating in the background and narrowed his eyes at the source of the sound. The ten Indian men with hand drums quickly stopped beating their respective instruments and made for the exit as fast as their middle aged, toga wearing, bald selves could. Tsuzuki straightened his sleeves in self-righteousness as the suspense of the moment restored its self. Picking up where we left off. A person who could only be….
(Chibiukyou: *shoves her way past the bodyguards guarding the fic.* HIJIRI!!
Tsuzuki: NO! Its TATSUMI!
Both: *get quickly beat down by the guards*
Fic: *smirks smugly*)
……MURAKI!
Tsuzuki gasped upon seeing his arch nemesis and current molester. Muraki cackled once more, making the local pigeons flee in terror and Tsuzuki secretly hoped that Tatsumi did usurp Muraki in the evil bad-dudes department. Because even though it'd be slightly creepier to see someone he had actually respected at one point in time (this was before the whole "crayon incident" had turned the usually stoic accountant crazy), it had to be better than an albino marshmellow resembling man. Looking down, his already wide eyes grew larger as he spied the thing that Muraki held in his hands. Shaking, he took a step backwards, his foot stepping onto an innocent box of Happy Flex Straws. Unheard to even the most acute ears, the screams of the freshly crushed Happy Flex Straws echoed out into the day.
"Mommy! Mommy!"
"My legs!! I can't feel my leggggggs~!"
"You don't have legs!"
"That's beside the point!"
And sadly… that box of Happy Flex Straws, was happy no more. But getting back to the story…
(Author Tsuzuki: Story? Doko desuka?
Fic: Tasukette! I'm being written by insane, crazy, redundant, lunatics!
Chibiukyou: *smile* Welcome to the department of redundancy department! How may we help you?
Fic: *sob* )
Ahem. Back to the "story".
"Tsuzuki?" Hisoka asked, worriedly, pulling at his partner's sleeve. "What's wrong?" His large green eyes focused in on Tsuzuki's fear-stricken face and he knew that something was wrong. Turning his head, he looked out the window towards the sky, his eyes searching. Tsuzuki paused in his panic driven stupor and looked at the shorter man, his brows lowering in confusion. Suddenly, Hisoka gasped, causing Tsuzuki to start and grind the poor box of happy Flex Straws more into the floor of the shop. But unlike last time, we'll leave that tragic story for a sequel….maybe. Opening his mouth to ask Hisoka what it was he saw, he was cut off by Hisoka grabbing his arm and pulling him forward. Looking up, Tsuzuki saw it. No, not it…it. There, by the cloud that looks like a …okay, you see it? Goood.
"Hisoka…is that…?" Tsuzuki asked wonderingly, his eyes beholden to something that he had never thought to see in all his years, dead or otherwise.
"Yes Tsuzuki, it is." Hisoka said knowingly. "The Gummi Bear Signal." The crowd of onlookers gasped and crowded the windows hoping to catch a glimpse of the legendary Giant Gummi Bear Signal that the Chief of Police of Tokyou lit whenever there was a crisis. It hadn't been seen in these parts for hundreds of years, the giant flashlight having been sold at a local auction to raise funds for the police department's local hoe-down. But we don't talk about that. What matters is that there were gummi bears in trouble and they needed to be saved.
A mad cackling could be heard from behind them once more and small children and animals cringed, while adults clutched their mail protectively to their chests. Oh and fangirls went weak at the knees, but that happens all the time and everyone has just learned to ignore it and watch their step. Hisoka turned his head towards the sound, his eyes dark with anger. Muraki continued chuckling to himself, his inhaler clutched tightly in one hand while in the other hand lay… yes, you guessed it… GUMMI BEARS!!!!! I would like to take this time to point out that the bald men in togas had returned with their hand drums, minus one who had been having some problems digesting a piece of the local hamburger and thus had to be sent home. Enter: Dramatic Background music.
"You. I knew it was you. It had to be you. Who else could make fangirls weak at the knees...
(Author Tsuzuki: I think I'm going to have to interrupt here and point out that there are plenty of other anime guys who could make fangirls weak at the knees.
Chibiukyou: ….like… TATSUMI!? *deadpan*
Author Tsuzuki: …yes. And…Yuki and Dark and uhm… well, there's plenty others… like, Fuuma and Seishirou…
Chibiukyou: Oh well, if we're going to be like that… TATSUHA~!!! *drool faint thud*
Author Tsuzuki: He just looks like Yuki with his hair dyed.
Chibiukyou: *revives* OH IT'S ON NOW
Fic: We interrupt this broadcast for an important announcement….like, oh say THE STORY!!)
"…right out of their mailboxes…" Hisoka continued, oblivious to everyone who had zoned him out… except for Muraki, but that's only because he enjoys hearing about himself. "You stole the gummi bears!"
"That's ahahah rigahahht! I ehehe did!!!" Muraki said, quite forgetting to stop chuckling. "Ahahand you'll neeeeeehehehever get them baaaaaaaaahahhhck." His insane cackling drifted off into the day and our two unsuspecting heroes were left staring blankly at the colourless man. After a moment of silence had gone by, not to mention a few tumbleweeds, Tsuzuki could only turn his Stare of Disbelief ™ to his partner as Hisoka began to chortle wildly.
"Ahh…Hiso-" The purple eyed man started to say, reaching out his hand in case he need to restrain the abnormal child. Hisoka immediately stopped laughing and stared straight faced at Muraki, ignoring his partner and his attempts to help him.
"You." He said, pointing a finger at the mass murderer. "You sounded like a sheep just then." That being said, he cracked up laughing once more, and this time, no one tried to stop him.
Tsuzuki stared at him for a moment before getting a thoughtful look on his face. Turning, he faced Muraki, staring him up and down. He raised his hand to his chin in contemplation, circling his arch nemesis like the hawk circles its prey, the dog…
[Fic: It's a MOUSE moron.
Chibiukyou: whichever
Author Tsuzuki: it's a BIG hawk]
….and/or mouse. Muraki looked back at him, his eyes widening in bamboozlement at what had just occurred. Tsuzuki gave one last circle and one last "hmmm" before stepping back nodding his head.
"Yes. Yes indeed. Muraki, I have examined the evidence and due the testimonies given by several eyewitnesses," he gestured to the uncaring, unseeing shop patrons. "I'm afraid that you are being sued for violation of copyrights. My client, Mr. Sheep."
[Mr. Sheep: … *blink blink* "…baa?"
Chibiukyou: e.e! Good boy! *gives it a cookie*
Mr. Sheep: *munches happily*
Author Tsuzuki: Here Mr. Sheep, have a gummi bear head.
Mr. Sheep: *munches happily*
Textbook: Actually, cookies and gummi bears are quite bad for sheep
Mr. Sheep: *dies*
Chibiukyou: Well there goes that sub plot *sigh*
Author Tsuzuki: oops ]
….
[Random shop patron: *sees Dead!Mr. Sheep* FREE MUTTON! *pounces*
Everyone else: o.o;
Muraki: BBQ AT MY HOUSE
Chibiukyou: ohoho e.e and the story moves onward]
Tsuzuki looked disbelievingly at the pale man in front of him, his mouth opening and closing silently. Shocked he looked down at the Hello Kitty invitation clutched in his hand on which "PARTY AT MURAKI'S CRIB" was printed in large letters across the top and directions to his house listed below it. At the bottom read, "Oh and btw, BYOB. (Bring Your Own gummi Bears). Or I'll kill you. J " Turning, his eyes sought out his partner, Hisoka, hoping to find an answer as to what was going on. Hisoka, however, was too busy bouncing off the walls and yelling, "OH HAPPY DAYS" to enlighten poor Tsuzuki.
Meanwhile, Muraki had disappeared and had taken the gummi bears with him. Sighing, Tsuzuki saw no other choice than to actually go to the party, unless he wanted to lose his job. Reaching back, he gathered up his psychotic little partner and walked out the doors of the shop, his eyes trained on the directions printed on the invitation. No way was he going to get lost this time.
TBC….
Chibiukyou: …should we tell him that the party is that way? *points in opposite direction*
Fic: … What? WHY!?! He's going the RIGHT way for once!
Chibiukyou: I know, but it'd be funny…
Author Tsuzuki: On the next chapter of…"
Audience: WHAT!? There's *more*!? Wasn't this thing taken off the air?
Author Tsuzuki: *ahem* On the NEXT EPISODE of The Dull Life of a Shinigami…
Oriya: Hey! Wasn't I supposed to be in this!?
Author Tsuzuki: *sweatdrop* erm…. We got distracted?
Oriya: That's it, I quit!
Chibiukyou: No, no, come back! I'm sorry, I promise I'll put you in the next chapter! I mean it baby, I can't go on without you!
Oriya: …
Chibiukyou: I'll give you a cookie?
Oriya: … Two.
Chibiukyou:… it's a deal!!
Author Tsuzuki: … IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!! Konoe sings karaoke, Hisoka explores his career options as a writer, and… who is selling Tsuzuki on Ebay!?!?
Hakushaku: What!? Where!? *logs on Ebay*
Author Tsuzuki & Real Tsuzuki: *sweatdrop*
Author Tsuzuki & Chibiukyou: All this and more….
Audience: *groans* more? -_-;
Author Tsuzuki & Chibiukyou: on…
Oriya: Oriya Gets a Hangnail!
Chibiukyou: *snaps fingers* Guards! Bubba, Hank, get 'em!
Author Tsuzuki: *ignores fighting noises in the background* … The Dull Life of a Shinigami!!
