Author's note: Special thanks to all those comments made to me, by a variety of sources, that have found there way into being incorporated into this chapter. Like I read someplace about someone saying they were called a "culture whore". I sort of get that feeling about myself. I take things that don't belong to me, go through people's private things and ponder people's more embarrassing works. Haha. That's the awful truth. You know, really I could be on this first "chapter" of the G/D story forever because telling a story is sometimes an involved process. Wish me luck. Oh and reviews please!!!

"discover me discovering you
...
take all your big plans and break them
this is bound to be a while
your body is wonderland
your body is wonder-- I'll lose my head
your body is wonderland
There's something about the way the hair falls in your face
..."
John Mayer "Your Body is Wonderland"
FALL

The next day I just decided why not? It wasn't like Dimitri was God or whatever name you give the untouchable unspeakable something that you believe in. He was real. Even if remotely so. Mr. Dimitri was just this guy with feelings like anyone else and therefore was probably chanelling feelings of inadequacy in this classroom persona he had. I mean, probably. I hoped anyway because a happy, infallible Dimitri I was not sure I could approach. But regardless I was ready to be ready to tackle him whatever the outcome. I sort of liked him and the initial flurry of frustration with him from yesterday was passing. I thought about his freckled face on the way to school, Rick driving, as I looked out the window. Really I didn't think Mr. Dimitri was very happy himself and for all the show he put on I seriously wondered are any of us happy. Even the seemingly happy people. But you know what, he would teach me that yes happiness does exist. Because it would exist when I was with him. I would feel that I was home. And I would be happy even when it hurt. But somehow even back in September I got the impression he was not that inhuman, even if he seemed that way to some people. He wasn't that untouchable but I think it kept him safe to look that way. I wanted him safe, so even now I won't disillusion people. But maybe it made him lonely at times too.

I was invited to the movies that morning! I was looking forward to going with Eli, even if Jessie had to come..but and this is really the thing that floored me. During class I spent a few moments picturing (I refuse to use the word daydream--no!) about seeing the film with Mr.Dimitri or running into him in the theater and asking his opinion. I mean, "Muskateers" are literary figures. Because after just a few weeks of school, I was starting to be cognizant I suppose of really now little Eli had to say. Drugs or not. Cause I still had suspicions about Mr. Dimitri in that area too.

So I took notes on the subject matter and covertly watched Mr. Dimitri in class that day. Now, I don't know if he noticed me noticing him. At different times I would look down at my page and try to look thoughtful. Thus giving him ample opportunity right, to notice the interesting expression my face would take in thought and maybe, maybe notice me. It was crazy maybe, but something about him made me want his attention. He had everyone elses undivided attention so it was only fair that he have something to notice himself. I couldn't help myself from looking up occasionally to notice if he noticed me.

Sometimes I felt stupid because I was just extremely plain and why would he notice someone like that. Sometimes I thought just maybe he had. But I was sitting far enough away that I couldn't quite read his expressions with any real definition. He was sitting behind his desk mostly today. Class let out and he didn't seem to be going anywhere so I waited until enough people had left and then went over.

Mr. Dimitri looked at me then. He didn't have much choice. But like I was a person equal to him he told me something interesting. He explained why he reacted to the word nice.

I had smiled at him, not wanting to have another useless waste of -- connection? Anyway, the day before had been wasted in a small way I thought but really it wasn't like we had any control over each other. Then.

He said, "Grace."

And then he waited for me to speak. It really is unnerving when he does that. Just looks at you. The term piercing blue eyes is not a joke. These eyes pierce you. They pierced me. Like getting an earring piercing I suppose, it just takes a second and then your good to go on, but for a milosecond you flinch. I flinched. I like to have my conversations with people's ears, hair, neck, hands. I avoid the eyes. Or I'll roll mine. Less devastating to see other people looking at you like you're strange, if you just never look at them.

I started , "About yesterday--" but he put up his hand and cut me off. I don't know how he seems to know what your thinking before you complete it but he did. And that was a relief. I hope it wasn't all an illusion.

"Grace, when you read Shakespeare do you ever read the little notations, or clarifications at the bottom of the pages? ", he looked at me more closely.

That was really one of the first moments I'll admit that I was first absolutely left speechless by him. This whole little brief interaction the context of it being so unusual in itself.
"Well I do. And I remember, recently reading 'Hence, therefore, thou nice crutch!' . This play, Henry4 actually-- I mean, my copy anyway --it says that nice implies 'effeminate, delicate, tender'. I guess you just made me think of that. A piece of advice Grace you don't want to confine yourself to nice, you want to be even more than that. I think you are--"

"Mr. Dimitri--"

He blinked for a second like he hadn't realized I was speaking to him or like he wasn't used to anyone voicing anything back to him personally. Like he wasn't used to his own name or something. So I waited, but then encouraging he offered, "Yes".

I was thinking that I wished I had let him continue on with his train on thought. I was about to bring up the journals. There were questions I had and it was, and this shocked me as much as anyone -- it was not unsettling to talk with him. He's interesting in that somehow someway when you're with him he makes you feel interesting too. I liked that and I didn't want to leave his presence. This was weirding me out because he was this "authority" figure. This person you came to listen to, to watch and then you left them behind. You just don't talk with the teachers, like that! But in this particular instance anything further I could have said was cut short when another student came in the room. A senior I sort of vaguely recognized from the hallways.

Mr. Dimitri listened to that person's comments and started to speak with them. I said I would talk to him later and I left actually disappointed. I was a little sore that even though he made some effort to acknowledge the journal thing, he also never indicated any interest in it. Not really. I still didn't know what I was doing wrong or how to correct it or why I even should!

I still didn't know what we would talk about later either but that's what later would be for. Was he worth the wait? Strangely going on nothing but a feeling, I knew --somepart of me, yes ,-- knew he was. He was worth it. Or maybe I did really have more than a feeling if you think about it, you know , that theory of your senses always sending you signs and knowing things through what you are given by sight, sound, touch, etc. He touched me. And when I would leave him at the end of the day.. I would wish him only happiness. Pink carnations. Or maybe pale pink roses.

"If you wait for me
then I'll come for you
although I have travelled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me one silly while
then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
if you'll be waiting too"

Tracy Chapman "If you wait"