"Shit," Chris muttered, his eyes grazing over the fuel gage. "We're running low on gas, guys."
"How disappointing, does this mean you have to turn around now?" Claire asked.
"We wouldn't get home on empty, retard," he told her. "Can anyone help me out with gas money?"
"Yeah," Gordie said, digging around in his pockets. "I got seventy-eight cents, that should fill it up half."
"Thanks, man." Chris looked over at Gordie, and Gordie understood that he wouldn't have asked for help with money if he hadn't really needed it. He shrugged and Chris smirked.
They filled up at the nearest gas station, and continued on their way again. They were no longer talking to each other. Everyone was sleepy and stiff, and their throats all probably hurt from yelling at each other so frequently.
Just about to exit the small town they'd stopped for gas in, Chris noticed a police car in his rearview mirror. "Crap!" He snickered. "Woah, I'm not even speeding. Cool. Crap!" He saw a car speeding up behind him, about to pass him. "No, don't pass me, you asshole!" The car passed by.
"He's from Montana," Claire said, reading the license plate. "They have no speed limit."
"That's not an excuse," Teddy called. "Chambers, drive over him!"
Chris floored it and recklessly pulled ahead. He cackled. "I win!"
While they passed by, Teddy gave them the finger. Then, he decided he would like to moon them, and since much of Teddy's actions were results of his impulsive nature, he yanked down his pants and waggled his ass in the back window in some sort of strange victory dance.
"Teddy!" Chris and Gordie yelled in unison.
"This is why I didn't want to sit next to him!" Claire shouted, trying to get as far away as possible from him.
"Teddy, we don't want to see that!" Chris barked.
"They do!" Teddy cried gleefully. "See? They're honking! They haven't seen enough!"
"Pull your fucking pants up!"
"Uh oh…"
"Did you smear your ass all over my window?" Chris demanded. His eyes glanced up at his rearview mirror, and then did a double take. "Hey, was that police car's lights on before?"
"Maybe, but I don't think it was going that fast before," Cale observed.
"Teddy, you fucking pussy, if I get pulled over because of your fucking ass, I'm going to rip off your head!" Chris snapped.
Teddy was sitting properly, with his pants up and his hands folded on his lap. "Just keep driving. If anyone asks, it was just a blow up doll, and it wasn't me."
"And if they ask to see the blow up doll, what do we do?"
"Uhh…blame Claire."
"Hey!" Claire cried.
The police car breezed past them, not slowing down. Chris breathed a sigh of relief.
"He was just after some donuts, guys, that's all!" Teddy said.
"Teddy," Chris growled. "Can you guess how pissed off at you I am right now?"
"I didn't hurt anything!" he protested, although something resembling remorse was barely audible in his voice.
"Yes you did, you hurt my virgin eyes," Claire said. "Does anyone have a magazine?"
"Sure Claire, I'll pull it right out of my ass," Teddy said sarcastically.
"You keep your ass in your pants," she ordered.
"I got a magazine, Claire," Cale called, throwing a book back at her.
"Young Miss sucks." She scowled. "Thanks, but I can't read this."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't understand mindless drivel."
"Are you saying I read mindless drivel?"
Claire smiled. "Do you?"
"Can we go to California?" Vern asked.
"Yeah, considering that's in Europe," Cale giggled.
"See, that's the drivel talking," Claire said.
"Are we forgetting how pissed off I am?" Chris asked.
"We're trying to," Gordie teased.
Eventually, the all-nighter he'd pulled caught up to Chris. Gordie, who he'd asked to slap him over the head every time he noticed him start to nod off, was quickly growing on his nerves. All he got was a headache, and it wasn't helping him stay awake.
"I'll drive," Teddy offered.
Chris snorted. "That was funny, Teddy."
"Why not?" he demanded. "I'm a great driver. Come on guys, it would be cool! We'll take the scenic route! What could be better?"
Claire raised her eyebrows at him. "Death." She considered her other options for a moment. "And everything else imaginable."
Chris sighed. "Fine."
"Fine what?" Gordie demanded. "Fine what, Chris? What the hell are you doing? Don't stop this car!" He watched in horror as Chris pulled over to the side of the road, undid his seatbelt and shoved his door open. "Get back in! Don't let him drive!"
Chris walked around to the passenger's side and opened the door. "Out please." Muttering to himself, Gordie jumped out. "Teddy, you're driving."
"Really? Very, very cool, man!" he enthused. "Thanks!" He crawled out, ran around the truck and hopped into the driver's seat. Chris squeezed into the cramped backseat and settled into where Teddy had been sitting.
Claire stared in awe at him. "And hell freezes over."
"I'm tired okay? It's just as unsafe for me to drive when I'm half asleep as it is to let Teddy drive in general."
"Wanna see me drive with my eyes closed?"
Teddy had been driving for only ten minutes, but he was already aggravating Chris to the point where he couldn't even try to sleep despite how exhausted he was.
"Wanna see me drive playing the air guitar?"
"Teddy," Chris warned. "Just keep your eyes on the road and your hands on the wheel."
"What about the air drums?"
"No."
"Wanna see me do a fishtail?"
"Yeah!" Cale cried.
"Chris?" He looked for permission so that he didn't get beaten up.
"No!"
Teddy's shoulders slumped defeatedly, and he fell silent for a moment. Then he sat up straight and asked eagerly, "Wanna see me drive through a mud puddle?"
"Just wait, let me spit my gum out the window," Claire said, leaning over Vern, and rolling her window down.
"Better hurry up," he warned. "Eee-ee-ee-ee!" he crowed as they went through the puddle while Vern's head was out the window.
"You son of a bitch!"
"I told you to hurry up."
Everyone was laughing hysterically.
"Poor Clarabell got wet?" Cale giggled.
"Shut up," she grumbled. "Your damn boyfriend is never driving again and you don't need to be his freaking apprentice, thank you."
"Who, Teddy? He's not my boyfriend."
"Could've fooled me with the way you fawn over him."
"I do not," she said, but she was reddening.
"Claire," Chris said, giving her a forceful look.
"Oh, she's just a big baby," Claire muttered.
Cale shot back, "You're a big bitch!"
Vern laughed. "Ooooh, Claire got cut!"
Teddy said, "Cale, it's not a big deal."
"She's being bitchy!"
"I'm being truthful and tactless, I'm not being bitchy," Claire insisted.
"Claire, you're always bitchy," Vern reminded her.
Gordie said, "Hey, Teddy, congrats on making the girls tense."
"And bitchy," Vern offered.
"Yeah, I do my best," Teddy grinned.
Claire sunk back in her seat. When she looked up at Chris, she saw him looking back at her, disappointment shadowing his face. He quickly looked away, and she was surprised to realize that he had just hurt her feelings.
