~~~{ Act V }~~~

Locating a missing night

Opening of scene is a wide shot of Daria and Jane sitting at their usual spot with Mack and Jodie. Jane, Mack, and Daria are sitting cross legged, while Jodie is sitting with her knees tucked under her.

Daria (looking very intent): Mack, Jodie, I have been getting weird stares from all kinds of people all morning long. I get an invitation from Kevin to a football kegger, and a request from Brittany for dance lessons. Quinn gets in my face, threatening consequences dire and terrible if I come within range of her next party, and Jane said Sandi is doing her best Jackie Onassis imitation in order to hide a black eye that I allegedly gave her. (Looks plaintively at Mack and Jodie) You guys have got to tell me what happened at Quinn's party Saturday night!

Jodie and Mack exchange a look.

Jodie: I wish we could, Daria, but Mack and I left when Evan started passing around that spiked juice, and that was long before you got there.

Mack: And all we do know for sure is what Jodie overheard in the ladies room. Why don't you ask Quinn about it?

Daria: Going by the way Quinn was acting, whatever I did Saturday must have given her some pretty damming blackmail material. I can't risk going to her for anything other than confirmation, and that's only after I have the whole story. (sigh) And even then, that conversation is not going to turn out well.

Jane: You'll also need something that she thinks is equally heavy, or worse, to hold over her head to get her to keep her mouth shut to your parents.

Mack: Okay, so what if we just did some asking around?

Jodie: Sure, why not? I'm sure that we could piece together what happened in no time.

Half the football team looked to be there when we left, not to mention most of the cheerleaders . . .

Jane (gravely): And the Fashion Club.

Daria: Ah, the Fashion Club. There's the rub in this whole farcical mess. (Shakes her head) Tiffany was so bombed that she barely knew her own name when I talked to her. Quinn's not going to tell any of you anything because she knows it will eventually find its way back to me.

Mack: Why don't you talk to her?

Daria: She already has me over a very putrid barrel. Admitting I have no memory of Saturday night will just make things worse. And Talking to Sandi is out of the question for obvious reasons.

Jodie: So that would leave Stacy.

Jane (calculating smirk): Leave her to me.

Daria (raised eyebrow / lid): It's very possible that Quinn and Sandi have sworn her to secrecy. With real swear words. What makes you think that she'll talk to you?

Jane: Just trust me, amiga. Meantime, maybe you ought to go and lay low for the rest of the day.

The group stands up, Daria just a little shakily. She puts her hand on her stomach as she gets to her feet.

Daria: I think I'll do one better than that. I don't think my stomach's completely recovered from its encounter with that high-octane apple-berry stuff. I think I'm going to head home.

Jane: Great. We'll meet you there right after school and compare notes and bring you your homework.

Daria: Works for me. Maybe I can find some hints around the house as to what happened, too.

Scene fades as the four walk off.

Begin Montage Sequence

Mack walks into the locker room, his football uniform over his arm. Inside, Joey and Jamie are putting on their pads and talking. Mack walks up to them and begins his conversation with them. Joey and Jamie exchange a look, burst into laughter, and begin telling Mack what he wants to know. Jeffy walks into the room, listens for a second or two, turns beat read, and walks out. Mack looks after Jeffy with incredulity.

Cut to shot of Daria walking into her room and removing Evan's bag from her closet. She pulls out one of the bottles and gives it a dirty look before putting it back. She then turns around and walks out of the room with the bag.

Cut to Jodie walking into the gym and over to where Lisa and Nikki, two of the cheerleaders are sitting on the bleachers, doing something with their pom-poms. Jodie sits down and the three start talking. Lisa and Nikki exchange a look, then between chuckling and looking embarrassed about what they're talking about, they give Jodie their version of events. Jodie looks like she can't believe her ears.

Cut to Daria in the upstairs bathroom, standing in front of a running sink, and holding her nose. Evan's gym bag is sitting on the sink, along with two empty bottles. Daria is pouring the contents of a third down the sink. When she is done, she puts the bottle down, releases her nose, and stands there for a moment. The booze-juice smell is still present, it seems, and Daria reacts by going slightly wide eyed and putting one hand over her mouth. She then ducks out of the shot in the direction of the toilet, fast.

Cut to Jane walking down the hall of the school. She comes upon Brittany and Kevin and starts talking with them. It seems that these two are only too eager to tell Jane about her Best Friend's exploits. Jane manages to look both shocked and amused at the same time.

Cut to a shot of Daria, wearing her Mark Twain night shirt and cleaning something in a kitchen sink full of soap suds. She pulls out her jacket, suds clinging to the lapels and scrubs part of it with a hand brush before dunking it back in the water.

Cut to a shot of Jane, Jodie, and Mack in the hall near Jane's locker, comparing notes as the school bell rings. All three of them look rather disbelieving at what they have learned.

Jane (finishing) . . . and that's when she apparently went upstairs and passed out.

Mack (shakes his head): You know, if I hadn't heard it, I wouldn't believe it.

Jodie (to Jane): Are you really sure that you want to tell Daria about all of this? Maybe she's just better off not knowing, you know?

Jane: Daria said she wanted to know what happened Saturday night, and we said we'd find out.

Jodie: But do we have to tell her everything? I mean, what Nikki and Lisa told me was really embarrassing!

Mack (off Jodi's point): And what about Jeffy?

Jane: And the force of nature that is Daria Morgendorffer would sweep us up in her quest for the truth and leave nothing but bloody corpses behind if she thought that we were being anything but a hundred percent straight about this. (beat) Besides, If I'm right, then Evan is going to be the one who's going to be looking over his shoulder for a long time for bringing that apple-berry hooch to Quinn's party. (smirk) And he deserves every minute of it.

Jodie: But still, considering some of our sources . . .

Jane spots something. Cut to a wide shot of Stacy Rowe heading into the ladies room by herself.

Mack (v/o): Yeah. I mean it's not like we have anything that we could take to court, so to speak.

Cut back to the three friends.

Jane: Relax, fellow snoops, we have just one more interview to conduct.

Jane walks off towards the ladies room.

Cut to the usual long shot down the length of the ladies room, where Stacy is standing at the mirror, fixing her face. Jane walks in and takes a place at the mirror, and touches up her own lipstick.

Cut to a medium shot from behind the girls, showing their reflections in the mirror.

Jane (glances sideways at Stacy):Hi.

Stacy (looks nervous): Uh . . . Hi.

Jane (evening out her lipstick with her finger): Heard Quinn had a hell of a party Saturday.

Sandy (still nervous): Uh, yeah, it was, um, a hell of a party.

Jane (puts her lipstick away and just stands there): Heard Sandi got a black eye that night.

Stacy (now really nervous): Um, I don't know, um, what you, uh . . .(glances around).

Stacy is now officially scared, looking for some means of escape, and is close to hyperventilating.

Stacy: You're not going to, like, rob me or something, are you?

Jane (chuckles): Oh, come on Stacy, you should know me better than that. I just want to know what happened at that party Saturday.

Stacy (panic slowly creeping): What do you mean 'What happened?' Nothing happened. Sandi just, um, slipped and she, uh, (very nervous chuckle, and the floodgates open) Quinn's cousin didn't do anything she was never there and Quinn made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone and Sandi is already mad enough as it is and---

Jane (sharp): Hold it!

Stacy: Eep!

Jane (reasonably): Would you rather tell me, or would you rather tell Daria after she gets sick of all the talking and decides to ferret out what actually happened?

Stacy looks like a mouse stuck between a room full of traps and a yard full of cats and is deciding which is the quicker way to go.

Stacy (defeated sigh): I don't have to tell you anything. Quinn's got the whole night on video tape.

Jane (sharply): Who's got what!?

Stacy (flinches): Eep! Please don't yell!

Jane: Okay, I'm sorry. Now, what happened?

Stacy (calms somewhat): Quinn was going to show Sandi that she didn't have any control when she was drinking. She got her dad's video camera and started shooting video of Sandi when her cousin came home and locked herself in her room after she threw Evan and Sandi out of it. Quinn got some dirt on Sandi, but her cousin came out later and was really really really messed up. Quinn got the whole thing on tape.

Jane puts her hand on Stacy's shoulder. Stacy looks very defeated, but looks up anyway.

Jane: You did the right thing, Stacy. Thanks.

Stacy: Yeah, right. You won't tell Sandi or Quinn?

Jane: Don't worry about Sandi, nobody's going to tell her. (turns to go) And I think Quinn is going to have a lot more to worry about than who spilled the beans about her tape soon enough.

Cut to Jodie and Mack waiting beside the lockers as Jane walks up.

Jodie: Well?

Jane leans against the lockers and crosses her arms.

Jane (shakes her head): This just keeps getting better and better.

Mack: What?

Jane (looks up): Quinn has a video tape of the whole thing.

Jodie: Wow. (realizes the implications) Oh wow.

Mack: Poor Quinn. (shakes his head) She's so dead they're going to have to bury her twice.

A tale of Daria's exploits

Scene opens with Daria sitting in the living room of her home, watching television. She is still wearing her Mark Twain shirt, and is gamely trying to eat something that looks like toast and tea. From the television, the theme for Sick Sad World plays.

Cut to a shot of he television screen, which shows a bunch of people in the buff with books covering certain . . . strategic locations.

SSW Announcer: Is it about brains or bods? A revealing look at a controversial social phenomenon that's really taken off! Nude Book Clubs! Tonight on a classic Sick Sad World!

As Daria picks up the remote and shuts off the sound, looking slightly disgusted, the doorbell goes bing bong! Daria gets up and walks over to the door. The shot cuts to a medium shot of the door as she opens it, revealing Mack, Jane, and Jodie.

Daria: Ah, right on time. Now we can begin the meeting. Just leave you clothes on the stairs.

All three walk in and head for the couches. Mack and Jodie look a little confused at what Daria just said, but Jane casts a glance at the television. They all find seats.

Jane: The "Nude Book Clubs" episode?

Daria (deadpan): Yep. "The haven for uninhibited intellectuals."

Mack smiles slightly.

Jodie (as she sits): I'll stay inhibited, thank you. (shoots Mack a look) You hush.

Mack (all wide-eyed and innocent [yeah, right!]): Did I say anything?

Jane smirks at the two and Daria has a look on her face that say "I don't even want to know."

Daria: Guys, please. My stomach is queasy enough as it is. Can you just tell me what you found out about Saturday night so that I can enroll in the Federal Witness Protection Program while there's still time?

Jane (slowly): Well, okay. Do you want it all at once or in small doses?

Daria: All at once. Let's get this over with.

Jane, Jodie and Mack exchange a look before Jane continues.

Jane: Quinn has . . . a video tape.

Daria (flat): A tape . . .

Jane: Of you . . . Saturday night.

Daria (no tone whatsoever): A . . . tape. (beat) And just what is on this . . . tape.

Mack leans forward, his elbows on his knees.

Mack: Maybe I'd better go first. In broad strokes, you got very, very hammered that night.

Daria (still toneless): Tell me something I don't know.

Mack: Apparently, according to Joey and Jamie, you came across them and Jeffy in your upstairs hallway. They were on the hunt for Quinn and discovered you trying to get back into your room. Jeffy unlocked the door for you and you apparently grabbed him and pulled him inside and wanted to, and I quote, 'give him a thank-you that would curl his toe nails.' But you passed out, and they left. Rather quickly, I'm told.

Daria (closes her eyes): Oh, god.

Jodie: That must have happened after you were dancing downstairs.

Daria (opens her eyes and looks at Jodie in shock): It gets worse?

Jodie (really would rather do anything else than tell her this): Wwweeeelllllllll . . . According to a couple of the cheerleaders, you came downstairs about an hour and a half or so after you got home and began dancing . . .uh . . .

Daria: What? A ballet? A polka? An Irish jig?? What!?

Jodie (almost a mumble): Very seductively.

Daria (it can't get any worse): Seductively . . .?

Jane (looking sympathetic): According to our information you did every 'dirty dancing' move you could think of with any guy or girl that crossed your path. In the process, you collided with Kevin and Brittany and held a little dancing display with the two of them.

Daria (it got worse): whimper

Jane: Apparently, they think you're into three-ways now?

Daria slumps forward and puts her face in her hands, her fingers sliding behind her glances and massaging her forehead.

Daria (from behind her hands): Oh dear Mother of God, I am ruined. I am totally ruined! I'm going to have to kill Quinn, blow up the school, burn down the house, and hope that the feds are merciful enough to shoot me on sight after. (looks back up at Jane, Jodie, and Mack, in a tone that drips venom) And my darling little sister has all of this on video tape??

Jane: Look on the bright side, you did get to clock Sandi in the eye.

Daria (sits back): Oh, yeah, Jane. That really helps. Thanks.

Jane (smirks): Any time.

Daria gets up and begins to walk towards the stairs.

Daria: Come on.

Jane (as the three stand up and follow): Where are we going?

Daria: Quinn's room. I need to find that tape.

Jodie: Uh, Daria, are you sure searching your sister's room is such a good idea?

Daria: It's a start.

Cut to the foot of the stairs.

Jodie: Look, Daria, I know you're mad, and I don't want you to think I'm wimping out on you, but . . .

Daria: I know. The parentally mandated volunteer work. (sigh) Go on, you two, it's all right. At least this way you won't be an accessory to anything.

Jodie and Mack head for the door.

Jodie: Thanks Daria. (stops at the door and looks back) Look, Daria. I know it's no consolation, but, I know this school. In a couple of weeks, someone will have done something at another party, and this whole thing will be forgotten.

Daria: I hope so, Jodie. My parents are going to go thermonuclear when they get wind of this. I just know it.

Jodie (sadly): Yeah. Well, see you tomorrow?

Daria (as Jodie and Mack leave): See you then.

Daria and Jane start up the stairs.

Daria: You know Jane, you really don't have to be here for this either. I can search Quinn's room just as well alone.

Jane mentally replaces 'search' with 'trash' and smirks to herself.

Jane: Hey, amiga, what else are Partners in Crime for?

Scene fades to a split of Daria cleaning her jacket and Jane & Stacy's conversation in the bathroom. No music this time.