~~~{ Act VI }~~~

Quinn in the lions den

Scene opens with a wide shot of the Morgendorffer house, that evening. A purplish Porsche pulls up in front of the house and Quinn gets out of the passenger side, turns around, waves to the driver, and heads for the front door. The scene changes to a shot of the front door as Quinn enters, humming something to herself as she goes up stairs. The scene changes again as Quinn walks up to the door of her room, which is closed.

Cut to the other side of the door, tight on Quinn's head and shoulders as she opens the door and follow her as she unlimbers her purse and sits down on the edge of the bed with her back still to the door. Without looking up, she walks over to her end stand and begins to go through her jewelry box there.

Cut to a medium shot of Quinn, and the door to her room, which now slowly starts to swing shut. Behind the door is Daria, still in her Mark Twain shirt, slowly pushing the door with her right index finger. The look on her face promises pure murder to anyone unfortunate enough to cross her line of sight. (And guess where Quinn is?)

Daria, silent as death itself, grasps the door knob and shoves the door shut with all her might.

Door SFX: WHAM!!!!!

Quinn (whirls around and shrieks): EEEKK!!!

Daria doesn't even blink.

Daria (in her best Hannibal Lecter): Hello, Quinn. You have something I want.

Quinn (petrified): Wha - wha - wha - gulp (nervous chuckle, weak smile) Heh-heh. What do you mean Daria? What could I h-h-h-have that you could p-p-p-p-possibly want?

Daria: The tape.

Quinn looks like she's about to have an accident.

Quinn: Wha-wha-wha-wha-what tape?

Daria turns up the heat. She takes one step forward, and Quinn takes one step backwards.

Daria (slowly, in full Hannibal mode): The video tape . . . (takes another step) You shot of me . . . (takes another step) Saturday night . . . (takes another step)

Quinn is slowly backing up, and corners herself in her mirrors.

Quinn: Wha-wha-what tape? D-d-d-daria, I don't know what --

Daria: You know exactly what I'm talking about. (takes another step) I know that you were taping Sandi. (takes another step) Then you evidently decided it would be "better" to use it on me instead. (Takes another step) You will give me that tape or I will bodily tear this room apart, right down to the wall studs in order to find it.

Quinn (swallows very hard): Daria, I d-d-d-d-don't --

Daria takes one last step and stands nose to perky little nose with Quinn.

Daria: Strike three, Quinn. You are out. I want that tape, and you will give it to me.

Quinn: gulp

Daria (death incarnate): Now.

Quinn's lower lip begins to quiver for a few seconds as she ponders the seriousness of her situation.

Quinn (very weak and quiet): A-a-all right. I'll get the tape. But only if you promise not to hurt me or something.

Daria: That will remain to be seen. The tape.

Quinn slides around Daria and out of the corner, looking all the while like she might bolt. Only taking her eyes off of her sister long enough to make sure she doesn't trip on something, Quinn takes the stuffed smiley face currently laying on the opposite side of the bed. Picking up the pillow, she pulls back the zipper on top of it and reaches inside. A moment later she removes an 8 millimeter video tape and closes the zipper.

Quinn (swallows as she holds the tape out to Daria): Here.

Daria walks over, and Quinn winces as something on the floor goes crunch, but Quinn isn't in any position to see what it was. Daria snatches the tape out of Quinn's hand and examines it briefly, then glares malevolently at Quinn.

Quinn: Um, can I go --

Daria: Downstairs. March.

Quinn (Huh?): What for?

Daria. Until I make sure that this is the genuine article, I am not letting you out of my sight. That's also where the VCR is. Now move it.

Scene cuts to the living room as Quinn and Daria walk down the stairs and turn towards the sofas.

Quinn: Um, Daria, I really need --

Daria (points to a couch): Sit.

Quinn immediately sits down on the couch opposite the television and wisely says nothing more. Daria puts the tape in the machine, then walks over and takes a seat beside Quinn, spearing her with another homicidal look. Quinn looks completely miserable. Daria thumbs the play button on the remote.

Cut to the television. There is a moment of static, and then . . . we go to the video tape.

Please, God, let it be Memorex

The video starts with Daria in the hall outside her room, a time index down in the corner says "SATURDAY 9:13 PM." Moans evidently are coming from inside Daria's room. Daria shoves the door to her room open and charges in. The moans are immediately replaced by sounds of surprise and a couple of muffled thuds.

Sandi (o/s, slurred): Hey! What the hell --??

Evan (o/s, also slurred): Hey -- Ow! That hurt!

Evan is the first out of the room, definitely not in control of his exit, and lands on his hands and knees in the hall, all the while trying to pull his pants up. Sandi is next, backing out of the room, stumbling, obviously shoved, and holding her shirt in front of her chest to cover herself. She's also wearing the spiked dog collar that is usually on Daria's floor around her throat.

Sandi looks into Daria's room in disbelief. After a second, Daria's arm reaches out of the still open door and she grabs the collar in her fist, avoiding the spikes. With a yank, Daria pulls the collar off of Sandi's neck, but one of the spikes catches on Sandi's shirt, and it is pulled out of her hands and into Daria's room. Then, the door slams, causing Sandi to flinch backward and trip over Evan, the camera following and zooming in slightly.

Sandi: Whoa!!

Evan (o/s): Ouch!! Dammit, watch it!

Sandi looks into the camera and notices Quinn, and immediately crosses her arms over her nominally bare chest.

Sandi (slurred): Jus' what the hell are you doin'?

Stacy (o/s): Eep!

Quinn (o/s, a little vengefully): So, Sandi, enjoying the party?

Sandi: Why, I otta -- (wait a second, something's missing here) Hey! Like, she's got my shirt!

Sandi, covering her chest with one arm, stands up and starts pounding on Daria's door with the other fist.

Sandi (yelling): Hey! Open that door, ya four-eyed foul up! Gimme my shirt back! (pounds some more) Open this damn door!

Evan (o/s, from the floor, slurred): God, wha's with your siser, Quinn? Watta bitch...

Quinn (o/s, relenting somewhat): Oh, come on, Sandi. Let's go to my room, and I'll lend you a shirt.

The view from the camera twists and drops to a shot of Quinn's feet for a second, before disappearing in a wash of static. The static clears after a moment to show a shot of the party going on in the living room. The time index now says "SATURDAY 10:52 PM."

On the video, Sandi, now wearing one of Quinn's pink baby tee shirts with the smiley faces. "Larger Than Life," by N'Sync is blasting in the background, and Sandi is dancing with one of the football players -- actually, it looks more like they are doing a standing dry hump in the middle of the living room.

Quinn (o/s): And she's the one who says she's always on complete control.

Stacy (o/s): You mean she's doing that deliberately?

Quinn (o/s): Yep. She'd rather eat her make-up kit than do it sober, though. (beat, chuckle) Sandi, you are such a slut when you're drunk.

In the background of the video, Daria can be seen coming down the stairs with a definite stagger to her step. Her green jacket is missing, so she's wearing her mustard tee shirt, skirt, etc. She has one of the bottles of spiked juice in one hand, almost empty, and Sandi's shirt in the other. Daria walks a few paces out into the party, relatively unnoticed, until she announces herself.

Daria (loud and very, very slurred): Now just what'd be goin' on here, huh? A party? Y'all mind if us brainy misery chicks joins ya?

The camera drops slightly and the view twists slightly. Obviously Quinn is totally shocked at her sister's behavior.

Quinn (o/s, disbelieving): DARIA?!? Oh my God!

Stacy (o/s): She's drunk!

Quinn (o/s): Drunk? Try totally plastered! (quiet, evil glee) This is great!

On tape, Daria heard Quinn and finishes off the remains of the bottle with one long pull.

Daria: Paah! (side-arm throws the empty out of view of the camera, not really caring where it goes.) Hell, Quinniekins, I just might res-e-memble that remark if I hadn't passed that point a half hour ago.

Cut to Daria and Quinn on the sofa. Quinn is just watching, but Daria is slumping down with a distressed look on her face. She can't really have done that, can she? Cut back to the tape.

Sandi (snorts): "Quinniekins??" HA! (notices what Daria's carrying) Hey! That's my shirt!

The camera's viewpoint immediately straightens out as Quinn turns it to get the best angle on this showdown. Sandi closes on Daria.

Daria (totally out of character): Sandi, baby! C'mere, darlin', lemme make up for a case of coity inturrrruptl -- cutie iriptal -- disturbin you an' ol' Evan over there. (Grabs Sandi around the neck in a sloppy hug) Pucker up, darlin'!

Sandi (shoves Daria away): EEWWW!! Get off me you freak!

Daria (drunken indignation): Freak?! A freak, am I? Tell ya what, Sandi, why don'y'all just 'freak' this!

Daria's right hand lashes out and connects with Sandi's left eye in a very quick but badly aimed punch. Sandi staggers back a step and drops to her rear end next to her 'dance' partner. Her hand goes up to her eye.

Sandi: OOWWW!!!

Stacy (running into the shot): Omigod! Sandi! Are you okay?

Daria staggers up to her and throws the shirt at her.

Daria (slurred): I wouldn' polish my boots with this crap. (grabs Sandi's dance partner and pulls him towards the middle of the floor) C'mon, goo'lookin', lets dance.

Daria reaches around and grabs the football player's backside, and the two start a dance / dry hump that makes Sandi's look tame, much to the delight of some of the surrounding students. Quinn filmed the whole thing, about the last minute and a half of the song.

Cut back to Quinn and Daria on the sofa. Quinn is looking between Daria and the tape, while Daria looks totally mortified, and puts her fingers over her eyes. Cut back to the tape as, on screen, Daria grabs another party guest and starts in with the next song.

Quinn (o/s, as Daria dances): Omigod, I can't believe she's doing this!

The view of the tape on the television screen fades into another scene, the time index showing some 10 minutes later, and Daria is "dancing" with another football player to a different song. This time he's behind her, with Daria holding his hand on her belly while her other hand is behind them, presumably on his butt. The scene and the music change again, this time to something with a pulsing electronic beat, and Daria and one of the cheer leaders are doing some kind of fast bump-n-grind to the music.

Quinn (o/s, as Daria dances, disgusted): Oh god...This is embarrassing.

Stacy (o/s): Quinn, where's your ice bag?

The scene does a fade change again, and this time the camcorder's clock shows "11:23 PM," and Daria is once again giving another student -- Evan of all people! -- a "dancing physical," when she notices Kevin and Brittany dancing nearby. The smirk she gets on her face speaks volumes, and she abandons her dance partner.

Daria (separating herself form Evan): Well well wellywellywelly well, what've we here? An oversexed cheerleader and her mate!

Evan: Hey! Where ya goin?

Daria (walking away): Take a hike, jock . . . strap. (drunken giggle)

Daria walks over to Kevin and Brittany and inserts herself between the two of them.

Brittany (surprised): Daria?? What are you doing?

Kevin (clueless, and fairly sloshed himself): Uh, hey Daria. Didja wanna dance?

Brittany starts to balk away, but Daria reaches around behind her and grabs Brittany around the waist and pulls her back in, pressing Brittany's 'assets' against her back.

Shot cuts from the tape to the couch, where Daria sits straight up for a second as she sees this. Then she drops back down and slumps down even more.

Daria (whimpers): Oh, please, no . ..

Shot cuts back to the tape.

Daria (on the tape, slurred): Hey, Britty, bring those things back here! (pulls Kevin and Brittany against her) Let's all do some dancin'!

For about ten minutes, and most of four songs, Daria switches between Kevin and Brittany, and one other time both of them, dancing them all over the living room. All the time, she is dong maneuvers that would give both her parents a heart attack, and Jane a stroke. (Use your imagination, ya perverts!). Finally, blessedly, Daria tires of the dance and Quinn follows her with the camera as she staggers up the stairs.

The shot cuts to one of Daria staggering down the hall. It's obvious that she couldn't walk a straight line if she wanted to. When she gets to her door, she starts to fumble with the knob. The party can be heard in the background, as can three other make voices.

Jamie (o/s): I know she went up here, guys.

Jeffy (o/s): She's gotta be around here somewhere.

Joey (o/s): Of course she is, duh! She lives here.

Jeffy: (o/s): That's not what I meant! I -- Hey, there she is!

All Three J's (over each other): Hey Quinn! Do you need a new battery? Can I polish your lenses? Would you like a soda?

Quinn (o/s): Guys, shush!

Jamie (o/s): Huh? Hey, what's wrong with your cousin?

Joey (o/s): Oh, wow, she's plowed!

Quinn (o/s, chuckle): Like you wouldn't believe!

Daria (slurred): Dammitall, I knew this thing worked this mornin'.

Jeffy walks into the shot and towards Daria.

Jeffy: Hey, Daria, let me help you with that.

Jamie (o/s): Hey Jeffy, don't --

Quinn (o/s, quickly): Nonono, I wanna see what happens!

Daria: Thanks loads, red. Glad to see ol' Quinniekins could let you offa your leash for a few seconds to help da damsel in dis-dress. (frowns) I think I said that right. Right?

Jeffy: Uh, yeah, I think so. (opens the door) There ya go.

Daria (looks in room): Hot damn! The honeymoon cell! (grabs Jeffy by the arm) C'mere, red. I need to give ya a proper thank you -- the kind that'll curl your toe-nails and put hair on your chest!

With a yank, Daria and Jeffy disappear into the room.

Jeffy (o/s): Hey, wait a minute, Daria you mmpf!! -- Whoa!

SFX: thud

Jeffy: Ow!

Quinn, and consequently, the camcorder point of view, runs up to the door and the camera is pointed inside. The shot centers on Daria, on her bed, flat on her back. Jeffy is on his rear end next to the bed, looking very confused.

Jeffy (looking into camera): I think she's passed out!

Quinn (o/s): I've gotcha this time . . .cousin.

The camera drops to show Quinn's shoes for a second, then there is a second of static, then the screen goes blue.

Cut to Daria and Quinn on the couch. Daria is slouched way down on the couch, unable to process any more. Her face is so expressionless that it may as well be carved from marble. Quinn is biting her lower lip, has her legs crossed, and is looking from Daria to the television, and back. She looks scared and desperate.

Quinn (weakly): Um, Daria . . .?

Daria (flat): Is this the only tape?

When Quinn doesn't answer for a second, Daria looks at her with an ice cold stare. Quinn starts nodding very fast.

Quinn (fast): Yes yes yes it's the only tape. (swallows, voice drops to almost a whisper) Daria, can I go to the bathroom now?

Cut to a shot from behind as Daria looks back at the television's blue screen.

Daria (whisper): Go.

Quinn runs out of the room as fast as her legs will carry her.

Taking care of loose ends.

The scene opens with a side establishing shot of the Lane home, with Daria walking up the walk later that evening. The shot cuts to a close up of the door as Daria rings the bell. It opens a moment later to reveal Jane.

Jane: Hey there, party girl! Did you get the tape from Quinn?

Cut to the inside of the room as Daria walks in.

Daria (dejected): Yeah, I got it.

Jane raises an eyebrow at Daria's tone of voice. The two of them walk over to the couch, where Tom Slone is sitting.

Tom: Hey, Daria.

Daria (oh, boy): Uh, hi, Tom.

Jane: Did you leave enough pieces left so the forensics team could identify her?

Daria: Actually, all I had to do was scare the crap out of her. Once she knew that I knew about the tape, she gave it up.

Jane (getting antsy): So let's see it already!

Tom: See what?

Daria takes the 8 millimeter tape out of her jacket pocket.

Jane: Daria crashed Quinn's party Saturday night and apparently re-wrote several chapters in the legend that is her life. Quinn got all the carnage on video.(looks at the tape) Hmm, I think I've got one of those adapter thingies up in my room. I'll get it, you go make the popcorn.

Daria (flat): Actually, I've already seen it.

Jane: Well I obviously haven't! I want to see the hidden party animal underneath that stoic exterior that we've all come to know and love.

Daria gives Jane an icy look.

Daria (homicidal): Not a chance. (Back to normal) Look, Jane, I didn't come over here so that my best friend and her boy friend could see me at my drunken worst. I came to ask a favor.

Tom (stands up): Maybe I had better take off.

Jane: No, Tom, stay. (Tom sits back down, Jane smirks) Good boy, I'll get you a biscuit later.

Tom (smirks): Woof.

Daria (rolls her eyes): Oh, brother.

Tom: Hey, I don't belong to a cult!

Daria sighs and shakes her head.

Daria: Look, I didn't come here to exchange one-liners all night with you guys. I need to ask Jane something.

Jane: Okay, okay, Daria, silly-time is over. What do you need?

Daria: I would like to use your Mom's kiln.

Jane (smirk): Firing a pot?

Daria (looks at tape): Destroying evidence.

Tom and Jane look confused.

Jane (not quite getting it): Wait a sec. You mean we spent an hour tearing Quinn's room apart looking for that tape, and then another hour and a half putting it back together, and all you're going to do is melt it down?

Tom: Wait, I think I understand. It's a matter of fallout. (Daria and Jane give him a look) Whatever's on that tape would do more damage to you than it ever would to Quinn, if your parents got hold of it. Quinn might only get grounded or her allowance cut off, but, if what Jane tells me about your folks rings true, they'd go through the roof.

Daria hits Tom with a glare that biochemists usually reserve for particularly nasty microbes, like Ebola.

Daria: Uh, yeah. (Turns the glare on Jane) And you've told him exactly what?

Jane: Don't get so upset, Daria. It's nothing that you haven't told me a thousand times. Besides, he's got a snotty little sister too, so he knows what it's like.

Daria (look softens): Okay. Look, can we just go fry this thing now?

Jane: Sure.

Cut to the Lane basement, and a medium shot of a large steel door with a small window slot in it, set into a heavily built brick wall. There are a couple of gauges, as well as a pair of valves to the right of the door. The sound of some kind of gas powered flame is faintly heard in the back ground. The shot pans right, to show Jane, examining the gauges, Daria, examine the tape, and Tom, holding an old pizza pan and a broom handle with a hook in the end.

Jane: I think about eight hundred degrees should do it, don't you Daria?

Daria: As long as this thing is totally destroyed, it should.

Tom (holds out the pan to Daria): Would you like to do the honors?

Daria (hesitant): Um, sure.

Jane walks over to the door and slides it open. All three of them wince at the blast of heat from the kiln. Daria takes the pan, puts the tape on the center, and puts the pan on the kiln rack. Using the broom handle, she pushes the pan into the kiln.

Jane: It gets hottest about half way between the back left corner and the middle, or so Mom says, anyway.

Daria pushes the pan over to the where Jane indicated. Shot cuts to the inside of the kiln as Daria pulls the broom handle out. The casing of the tape is already starting to buckle. The scene goes black as Jane shuts the kiln door, then the shot cuts back out to the three standing in the basement.

Tom: So, did Quinn ever tell you why she did it?

Daria: After we watched the tape, and I finally let Quinn go to the bathroom, she explained that she decided to do it as payback for our little float hopping stunt at the Homecoming parade. Sort of spur of the moment.

Jane: Oh, yeah. Tom told me about that. He said you were looking for Tad Gupty's parents.

Daria: Yeah. I threatened to start hugging Quinn if the rest of the Fashion Nazis didn't back off with the makeover stuff.

Tom: So she decided to do this in return for a minute of public discomfort? Someone needs to talk to her about her sense of perspective.

Daria steps forward and looks through the armored glass in the kiln door. Shot cuts to the inside of the kiln. The tape casing is now a puddle of bubbling liquid, and a small flame is dancing merrily on the actual tape itself, which is curling up into a scorched little ball.

Scene cuts to the inside of the front door as Jane, Daria, and Tom walk up to it.

Jane: I'll let that cook for a little longer, just to make sure that it's beyond recovery.

Daria: Thanks, Jane.

Tom: So, what about the guy who brought the alcohol in the first place?

Daria: Well, I think a couple of people brought booze to the party, but Evan's the one in my sights. His parents are going to get a rather interesting package in a day or two, as well as an anonymous letter explaining the origins of the contents.

Jane: Ouch. (beat, then perks up and smiles) Hey, I just remembered! You never found out how the Battle of the Bands turned out!

Daria turns to Jane.

Daria (amazed): Mystik Spiral won?

Jane: Actually, they came in second. But they won five hundred bucks, which they used to get a new amp and a refurbished mixing board.

Daria: Oh, cool.

Jane (smirk): And Trent wanted me to tell you that now you didn't have to do that thing you were talking about before the concert. (smirk deepens) Care to elaborate?

Daria (deadpan): Right after I find a place to dispose of your bodies.

Tom: Oooo-kay. You know, I think I'm going to order a pizza. Care to stay, Daria?

Daria gives Tom a somewhat familiar look.

Daria: No, I'd better not. I have to get caught up on what I missed this afternoon. Besides, my stomach still isn't really all that settled.

Tom (walking o/s): Rain check, then. See you later.

Daria (opens door): Later. See you, Jane.

Jane (as Daria leaves): See you tomorrow.

Jane closes the door, and looks between it and the direction that Tom walked off in

Jane (v/o, looking thoughtful): The last time I saw a look like that was when Jesse and I came back to the Tank when it stalled on the way to Alternapalooza. I wonder if Daria's -- (closes her eyes and shakes her head, quietly speaks) Nah. You're crazy, Jane.

Jane turns and heads off after Tom.

Jane (louder): Hey, order extra sausage this time.

Scene cuts to a shot of the Morgendorffer homestead, then switches to a shot of the interior of Daria's room. She is sitting at her computer desk, absently working on something. She turns in her chair and looks across the room for a moment, then gets up and walks over to the telephone sitting on the floor next to her bed. She picks the phone up and sits it on the bed, then sits down next to it, picks up the receiver, and dials a number. The phone on the other end rings three or four times before someone picks up.

Male voice (with cockney accent): 'Ello, Axl's Piercing.

Daria: Yes. Um . . . I'd like to make an appointment . . .

La la LA-la la

~~~ { Finis }~~~