The Secret Diary of Charles Xavier
Day 1: Got a great deal on that big mansion on the hill today. Realtor practically begging me to take it off his hands. Guess the last owners were a bunch of creepy zombies or something like that. They had the name "Adams" spelled out in chicken bones on their mailbox. Sounds like some kind of cult, if you ask me.
Day 2: Found a giant computer game in the basement. Go me! Looked like I'd be having a great time at first, game has lots of characters from all over the world. A couple look somewhat familiar, and one looks like it would be exactly where I'm sitting right now if the game was real. Isn't technology great?
Day 3: Game appears to be broken. It tells about all sorts of special "powers" the characters have, but so far they don't seem to be doing much of anything, just milling about like ordinary people. Kinda like a massive version of The Sims.
Would be nice to get it working as graphics are top notch. Maybe there's a patch on the internet someplace.
Day 4: Went to soccer game at the local high school tonight. Saw a couple kids that bear a striking resemblance to some of the characters on my game. One of them was wearing sunglasses even though it was nearly pitch black out. Kids these days.
Day 5: Game called on account of massive explosion when sunglasses kid decided to shoot laser beams out of his eyes for kicks. Had to use all of my eloquence and charm to convince the crowd and the cops that the blinding flash was really just some light reflecting off of my bald head. Good thing I waxed before the game.
I think I'll take this kid home with me, maybe he can help me with the computer game.
Day 6: Sunglasses kid (who calls himself Scott) explained that the game isn't broken; it's actually a list of people with mutant powers. Guess I should have realized that when I saw the telepathic fellow up on the screen who looked a lot like me.
What is a telepath, anyway?
Day 7: Scott suggested I start a private school for mutants so that they'd have someplace to go where they won't get picked on. Seems a little odd that a kid who can shoot lasers out of his eyes has to worry about being teased.
Day 8: Took Scott up on the idea of the school and agreed to let him live here. Figured that since we're starting our own secret school, I'll give all the students secret names. Scott's is "Cyclops" because "Death Ray Vision Boy" was copyrighted. Told Scott he must keep his shades on in the house at all times. No way am I paying the contractor bills every time Scott tries to kill a fly by looking at it.
Day 9: Looked up telepath in the dictionary today. Mr. Webster says that it's a person who can read minds and the like. Makes sense now, although I'd always assumed that everybody around me just liked to think very loudly.
Day 10: Second student showed up today, spicy red-haired vixen named Jean Grey. Very cute but rather arrogant, she didn't like any of the code names I suggested and insists on using her real name instead. And what exactly is wrong with "Vaginara"?
Day 11: Jean can toss stuff around with her mind and can tell what other people are thinking. Noticed me eying Scott and scolded me with her mind. Called me a pervy mutant fancier. She should mind her own business. Also, she needs to get her hair cut, as people with long hair make me feel self- conscious. Was able to get a good look inside her head, it's pretty obvious what she's into. Saucy little nymph.
Day 12: Caught Scott dincing around in his underwear to teeny-bop music. Claimed he was doing Tom Cruise impersonation. Like he doesn't think a telepath won't see what a big ponce he is. Very swishy but deadly eyebeams make him totally unapproachable. Besides, Jean's clearly smitten with him too. She'd probably kill me if I tried anything.
Day 13: Scott brought a tall blue monkey home today. Told him I didn't want any pets in the house but changed my mind when the monkey started speaking German. Monkey's name is Kurt.
Day 14: Figured out that monkey is actually another mutat human. Scott made a cute but blatantly obvious pass when he tried to figure out how to shake Kurt's hand. Jean kept giving them nasty glances. Can't put anything past her.
Day 15: Will have to make some kind of holographic device so Kurt can go out in public without looking like hell-spawned demon. His feet are very highly arched, so I'm thinking some stiletto heels ought to do the trick.
Day 16: Settled on watch for Kurt. Baggy pants and underwear pulled up to the nipples make him look just like any other skater kid. He likes to wear pants backwards, says it's so his tail can hang out. Told him that the backward pants thing might seem a bit out of place but then realized that that's the trend.
God, I am so out of touch with kids these days. Need to get somebody in here who can help me connect better with today's youth.
Day 17: Called up an old friend of mine named Storm. She'll be a great addition to the family. Useful powers, too. If I don't like the weather forecast, I know just who to turn to. Hope she doesn't bring bratty nephew along; between Scott, Jean, and Kurt, I've got a regular wrecking crew on my hands.
Day 18: Have to take wheelchair to Jiffy Lube for 25-mile tune-up today. Am considering getting it souped up, with chrome wheels and 8-inch ground effects, as I feel that current wheelchair does not make enough of a statement. Hope I am not going through a mid-life crisis with this.
Storm showed up today. Brought nephew. Just what I need: another mouth to feed.
Day 19: Storm wants me to trade in for more environmentally friendly wheelchair. Damn hippie. Guess I should have expected this from weather witch.
Nephew Evan is the sporty type, likes to skateboard around everywhere he goes. Wouldn't be so bad if he didn't take the thing in the shower with him, as grease and dirt tend to clog up the drain. Likes to shoot videos of people with his camera. Jean obviously doesn't like being on film. She caught him spying on her and telekinetically threw him through a wall. That's going to cost a bit to fix up. Have a feeling that camera's going to get him in real trouble some day.
Day 20: Jean keeps trying to put the moves on Scott, still can't see that he doesn't swing that way. Doubt that even showing her tapes from Scott and Kurt's Danger Room sessions would help her get a clue.
Day 21: Decided to come up with a name for the mutant school. Finally settled on "Xavier Institute for the Gifted", since "Xavier Institute for Kids Who Will Never Be Normal And Will Always Be Feared, Mistrusted, and Treated Like Outcasts for the Rest of Their Lives" wouldn't be PC enough.
Day 22: Scott blew yet another hole in the roof today. He and Evan were playing Mutant Darts again. Damn kids. Contractor is getting suspicious; he's been out 6 times this month. May have to use powers to make him take up new career as lobster fisherman.
Day 23: Kids becoming a hassle to manage, very inattentive in classes. Kurt and Scott getting very gropey with each other, Scott seems to have a fixation on Kurt's tail (not that I blame him). Kurt's swinging tendencies involve more than just dangling from the chandelier; he keeps "accidentally" teleporting into Jean's room while she's changing. Evan ruined my garden when he decided to build skate park in backyard. Looks like I'll have to bring in another teacher to restore order around here. Tomorrow's schedule: Clean mansion.
Day 24: Housecleaning efforts ruined when enormous amphibian crashed through front door. Considering upgrading security measures; stern "Do Not Enter" sign clearly not doing the job.
Day 25: New teacher arrived in time to eject intruding toad, but not before Kurt decided to go on love-romp with the thing through the mansion. Several paintings slimed, best vase in pieces. No way he'd ever fit in here. Wait, what am I saying? With that knack for destruction, he'd be perfect! Unfortunately, frog-boy lost the fight when his tongue got wrapped around a ceiling fan, so he had to go.
Day 26: New teacher Logan should definitely have a good effect on the kids. Stern but fair, and he appreciates the value of recycling. Plus, nothing like having a human can opener around when the power goes on the fritz.
Day 1: Got a great deal on that big mansion on the hill today. Realtor practically begging me to take it off his hands. Guess the last owners were a bunch of creepy zombies or something like that. They had the name "Adams" spelled out in chicken bones on their mailbox. Sounds like some kind of cult, if you ask me.
Day 2: Found a giant computer game in the basement. Go me! Looked like I'd be having a great time at first, game has lots of characters from all over the world. A couple look somewhat familiar, and one looks like it would be exactly where I'm sitting right now if the game was real. Isn't technology great?
Day 3: Game appears to be broken. It tells about all sorts of special "powers" the characters have, but so far they don't seem to be doing much of anything, just milling about like ordinary people. Kinda like a massive version of The Sims.
Would be nice to get it working as graphics are top notch. Maybe there's a patch on the internet someplace.
Day 4: Went to soccer game at the local high school tonight. Saw a couple kids that bear a striking resemblance to some of the characters on my game. One of them was wearing sunglasses even though it was nearly pitch black out. Kids these days.
Day 5: Game called on account of massive explosion when sunglasses kid decided to shoot laser beams out of his eyes for kicks. Had to use all of my eloquence and charm to convince the crowd and the cops that the blinding flash was really just some light reflecting off of my bald head. Good thing I waxed before the game.
I think I'll take this kid home with me, maybe he can help me with the computer game.
Day 6: Sunglasses kid (who calls himself Scott) explained that the game isn't broken; it's actually a list of people with mutant powers. Guess I should have realized that when I saw the telepathic fellow up on the screen who looked a lot like me.
What is a telepath, anyway?
Day 7: Scott suggested I start a private school for mutants so that they'd have someplace to go where they won't get picked on. Seems a little odd that a kid who can shoot lasers out of his eyes has to worry about being teased.
Day 8: Took Scott up on the idea of the school and agreed to let him live here. Figured that since we're starting our own secret school, I'll give all the students secret names. Scott's is "Cyclops" because "Death Ray Vision Boy" was copyrighted. Told Scott he must keep his shades on in the house at all times. No way am I paying the contractor bills every time Scott tries to kill a fly by looking at it.
Day 9: Looked up telepath in the dictionary today. Mr. Webster says that it's a person who can read minds and the like. Makes sense now, although I'd always assumed that everybody around me just liked to think very loudly.
Day 10: Second student showed up today, spicy red-haired vixen named Jean Grey. Very cute but rather arrogant, she didn't like any of the code names I suggested and insists on using her real name instead. And what exactly is wrong with "Vaginara"?
Day 11: Jean can toss stuff around with her mind and can tell what other people are thinking. Noticed me eying Scott and scolded me with her mind. Called me a pervy mutant fancier. She should mind her own business. Also, she needs to get her hair cut, as people with long hair make me feel self- conscious. Was able to get a good look inside her head, it's pretty obvious what she's into. Saucy little nymph.
Day 12: Caught Scott dincing around in his underwear to teeny-bop music. Claimed he was doing Tom Cruise impersonation. Like he doesn't think a telepath won't see what a big ponce he is. Very swishy but deadly eyebeams make him totally unapproachable. Besides, Jean's clearly smitten with him too. She'd probably kill me if I tried anything.
Day 13: Scott brought a tall blue monkey home today. Told him I didn't want any pets in the house but changed my mind when the monkey started speaking German. Monkey's name is Kurt.
Day 14: Figured out that monkey is actually another mutat human. Scott made a cute but blatantly obvious pass when he tried to figure out how to shake Kurt's hand. Jean kept giving them nasty glances. Can't put anything past her.
Day 15: Will have to make some kind of holographic device so Kurt can go out in public without looking like hell-spawned demon. His feet are very highly arched, so I'm thinking some stiletto heels ought to do the trick.
Day 16: Settled on watch for Kurt. Baggy pants and underwear pulled up to the nipples make him look just like any other skater kid. He likes to wear pants backwards, says it's so his tail can hang out. Told him that the backward pants thing might seem a bit out of place but then realized that that's the trend.
God, I am so out of touch with kids these days. Need to get somebody in here who can help me connect better with today's youth.
Day 17: Called up an old friend of mine named Storm. She'll be a great addition to the family. Useful powers, too. If I don't like the weather forecast, I know just who to turn to. Hope she doesn't bring bratty nephew along; between Scott, Jean, and Kurt, I've got a regular wrecking crew on my hands.
Day 18: Have to take wheelchair to Jiffy Lube for 25-mile tune-up today. Am considering getting it souped up, with chrome wheels and 8-inch ground effects, as I feel that current wheelchair does not make enough of a statement. Hope I am not going through a mid-life crisis with this.
Storm showed up today. Brought nephew. Just what I need: another mouth to feed.
Day 19: Storm wants me to trade in for more environmentally friendly wheelchair. Damn hippie. Guess I should have expected this from weather witch.
Nephew Evan is the sporty type, likes to skateboard around everywhere he goes. Wouldn't be so bad if he didn't take the thing in the shower with him, as grease and dirt tend to clog up the drain. Likes to shoot videos of people with his camera. Jean obviously doesn't like being on film. She caught him spying on her and telekinetically threw him through a wall. That's going to cost a bit to fix up. Have a feeling that camera's going to get him in real trouble some day.
Day 20: Jean keeps trying to put the moves on Scott, still can't see that he doesn't swing that way. Doubt that even showing her tapes from Scott and Kurt's Danger Room sessions would help her get a clue.
Day 21: Decided to come up with a name for the mutant school. Finally settled on "Xavier Institute for the Gifted", since "Xavier Institute for Kids Who Will Never Be Normal And Will Always Be Feared, Mistrusted, and Treated Like Outcasts for the Rest of Their Lives" wouldn't be PC enough.
Day 22: Scott blew yet another hole in the roof today. He and Evan were playing Mutant Darts again. Damn kids. Contractor is getting suspicious; he's been out 6 times this month. May have to use powers to make him take up new career as lobster fisherman.
Day 23: Kids becoming a hassle to manage, very inattentive in classes. Kurt and Scott getting very gropey with each other, Scott seems to have a fixation on Kurt's tail (not that I blame him). Kurt's swinging tendencies involve more than just dangling from the chandelier; he keeps "accidentally" teleporting into Jean's room while she's changing. Evan ruined my garden when he decided to build skate park in backyard. Looks like I'll have to bring in another teacher to restore order around here. Tomorrow's schedule: Clean mansion.
Day 24: Housecleaning efforts ruined when enormous amphibian crashed through front door. Considering upgrading security measures; stern "Do Not Enter" sign clearly not doing the job.
Day 25: New teacher arrived in time to eject intruding toad, but not before Kurt decided to go on love-romp with the thing through the mansion. Several paintings slimed, best vase in pieces. No way he'd ever fit in here. Wait, what am I saying? With that knack for destruction, he'd be perfect! Unfortunately, frog-boy lost the fight when his tongue got wrapped around a ceiling fan, so he had to go.
Day 26: New teacher Logan should definitely have a good effect on the kids. Stern but fair, and he appreciates the value of recycling. Plus, nothing like having a human can opener around when the power goes on the fritz.
