X-claimer: I do not have enough money to own any of the X-Men.

The Secret Diary of Kurt Wagner

Day 1: Arrived in America today. Had a devil of a time getting through customs. Guess Americans not used to seeing Germans on daily basis. Tail probably had a bit to do with it too. Still not normal.

Day 2: Met Scott and Professor Xavier at train station. Scott awkwardly tried to shake hands with me. Must not be able to see very well with sunglasses on. Suggested he get contacts.

Day 3: Professor gave me watch and pj's as welcoming present. PJ's are silk. Feel nice but a little odd to be getting them from bald guy in wheelchair. Not the way we do things back home. Oh well, new country, new traditions.

Day 4: Tried adjusting watch for daylight savings time and turned into a monster! Oh wait, I just look like a human now. False alarm. Cute, but not really normal.

Day 5: Checking out human body. New hands look nice, but need to do something about clothes. Baggy pants not really my thing despite convenient tail hole in back. And boxers over bellybutton? What kind of style is that? Think I looked less freaky in blue fuzzy form.

Day 6: Desperately need shopping trip, getting tired of walking around in silk pj's all the time. Professor is more eccentric than I thought. Keeps staring at Scott strangely. Don't know if he's practicing his telepathic powers or has something else in mind. Hope he doesn't start staring at me. Don't want any pervy mutant fanciers rooting around through my thoughts.

Day 7: Jean seems very possessive of Scott. Doesn't seem to like it when I am in the same room with him. Not my fault handshake went so badly yesterday. Just trying to show Scott how to say: "I think you're cute" in German.

Day 8: Scott very friendly. Guess he's been very lonely here. Can't blame him. Living with eerie Xavier and clingy Jean enough to drive anybody nuts. Called Jean mommy for how she treats Scott, got tail-wilting glare in return. Promised to show Scott some more secret German stuff later.

Day 9: Had fun giving Scott German lesson. Tail most useful for helping him grasp certain elements of the language. Used to hate the thing but now I think everybody should have one. Fun to swing from, and besides, 3 hands are always better than 2. Scott says he will show me his Blackbird tomorrow night.

Checked. Still not normal.

Day 10: Scott's Blackbird is so big! So sleek! Lots of passenger room, too. Supersonic stealth plane should be useful for late night trips to store or for terrorizing farmers late at night.

Day 11: May have to slow things down with Scott. Getting the feeling that Jean would kill me if she caught me trying anything funny. Good thing she doesn't know I already have.

Day 12: Wound up in Jean's room by mistake while teleporting today. Got thrown through wall before I could explain. Would like to see HER try to navigate 20 dimensions at once. Was that Hello Kitty I saw? I LOVE Hello Kitty! Will try and talk to her about it later. Sore and still not normal.

Day 13: Talked to Jean about Hello Kitty stuff. Surprised she didn't try and kill me again. Thought it was cool that I liked HK but said she'd better not catch me rooting through her clothes. Told her I have no intention of letting her catch me. Got dirtier look than usual. Don't think she'd be treating me like this if I were normal.

Day 14: Panty raid successful! Pulled job while Jean was at soccer practice. She has some nice clothes. Imagine lavender blouse and khaki bellbottoms she's so fond of would look better on me. Hope she doesn't notice when things start to go missing.

Day 15: Single-handedly saved the day when mansion invaded by slimy toad creature tonight. Go me! Don't know how it got in here; thought Professor's "Do not enter" sign would be effective security. Always seemed to work back home. Oh well. Laid smack down on toad after it broke my favorite swinging chandelier. Paintings ruined: 6. Lights smashed: 4. All in all, a good night. But still not normal.