The Secret Diary of Wolverine

Day 1: Kicked Sabertooth's butt. Guess he still hasn't gotten over bad date four months ago. In retrospect, probably bad idea to stick him with check.

Day 2: Got a call from old friend Charles Xavier, said he needed my help with something. Sounded important so I'm heading there right away. Hope job requires explosives.

Day 3: Stopped at truck-stop en route to Bayville. Store all out of beer so had to settle for American beer a.k.a. water. No fun at all being sober. Store owner looked surprised when I handed back the bottle. Guess he's never heard of recycling before.

Day 4: Threw mutant toad out of mansion. Pest control wasn't exactly what I had in mind but stomping Sabertooth into the ground was starting to get monotonous. Am much better than Terminex man anyway. Big robot suit doesn't have anything on these claws!

Day 5: Found out Chuck wants me to be teacher/mentor to bunch of kiddy mutants and irritating blue elf. Very disappointed at not being able to blow anything up. May use explosives on elf anyhow as his nancing is already driving me berserk.

Day 6: Kicked Sabertooth's butt yet again. Business as usual. Wish he'd drop it already, told him long time ago that it's over between us.

Day 7: I swear to God, if any of these kids call me Freddy Krueger just ONE more time, I will run them through!

Day 8: Practiced snarling and saying "Bub" in mirror. Have to keep up intimidating bad-ass persona when kid mutants are around; can't have them thinking that I'm more of a ponce than Kurt is.

Day 9: Boring day so far. Maybe I'll let Sabertooth win this time, change of pace could liven things up again.

Day 10: Went on camping trip with kid mutants. Swiss army claws very useful for cutting wood for fires as well as cooking shish-kebab. Kurt wanted me to use claws for toasting marshmallows. Told him no as melted goo might make claws stick

Day 11: Caught Scott drooling on my motorcycle. Threatened to show him pointy claw trick if he didn't stop. Will slash tires on his Corvette tonight after he's asleep.

Day 12: Kicked Sabertooth's butt today. What else is new? Told him to get muffler on his bike fixed; heard him coming a mile away.

Day 13: *Sniff sniff*. Is that cologne I smell? Hmm, Sabertooth must be trying a new strategy. Better keep my eyes open, this could be good.

Day 14: Found Sabertooth in mall trying on scents. Good plan he's got; was too busy laughing to put up a good fight.

Day 15: Challenged Storm to game of Rock Paper Scissors. Don't know how she keeps beating me so easily. Thought Jean and Charles were the only telepaths around here. Will get payback next week when I test out mansion security systems.

Day 16: Got jumped by Sabertooth. New unfound strength suggests that he's finally over bad breakup. Think he's been in group therapy. Fight went bad for me, had to get bailed out by nancing elf. Will never live this one down

Day 17: Heard Kitty call Scott cute. She should know that being cute requires a personality. Don't see why she doesn't think I'M cute; I have plenty of personality. Not my fault I'm a walking ginsu knife. Jean will kill her if she tries anything.

Day 18: In Mississippi trying to bring in another mutant kid. Smells like she's afraid of something. Have to admit I'd be a little afraid too if I were being bombarded by constant between-scenes flashbacks.

Day 19: New mutant a headache to handle. Got the better of Kurt and knocked him out. Will keep picture of me carrying Kurt around to make sure he doesn't blab about last fight with Sabertooth.

Day 20: Still chasing new mutant. Between gothic clothes and pension for hanging out in graveyards, think she might be a vampire. Don't know if Chuck really needs an undead monster on his hands; current crew of mutants enough of a hassle.

Day 21: Haven't caught new mutant yet. Something doesn't smell right around here. Strange mix of blueberries and lilac. Either Mystique's around, or Sabertooth got some perfume by mistake. If so, didn't realize he was such a pervy mutant fancier.