=Disclaimer= I do not own any of the characters from Rurouni Kenshin.

----------------------------- Chapter 3 -----------------------------

He sat there blending in with the shadows, lost in his train of thoughts. For the past couple of hours, he'd been sitting there, trying to fully absorb the morning's events. Yahiko had obviously known as well, because after breakfast, having seen the deadly look on Kenshin's face, he'd claimed sanctuary at the Akabeko and had yet to return.

A quiet shuffling sound snapped the rurouni out of his reverie. Silently, he watched as Kaoru walked into the yard, shutting the gate behind her. Her slow careful steps were noticeable as she tried her best not to ruin the material of her kimono. As she drew nearer to where Kenshin sat, he could see the slight glow of joy that bathed her pretty face, but what threw him off track was the flickering of pain in her eyes as she looked up. For a moment, concern overwhelmed him again before turning to puzzlement and finally, hurt.

Kaoru paused and then decided to change first before heading to the bathhouse. She didn't want to ruin one of the few good kimonos she had left. Tatsuha had tried to shower her with gifts, but she had flat out refused, not wanting to take upon any obligations. Besides, whatever she had left in her possession was enough to last her awhile. Yamada Tatsuha. She couldn't possibly believe her luck. He was a year or two older than her and had actually been a student of her father, although for a brief amount of time. He was kind and compassionate . . . and he cared for her. What comforted Kaoru the most was that she had found a good man to marry, one, despite the lack of feminine upbringing, still wanted to marry her. She cared for Tatsuha, although her feelings for him could never possibly compare to those she felt for . . .

"Ano . . . Kaoru-dono, how come you never dress up for me anymore?"

Kenshin. Startled, the young woman gasped and then spun around to see the man she had just been thinking of several seconds ago. Never dress up for him? Anymore? Since when had he actually paid attention to any of her efforts of trying to look more feminine? Then she realized with a start that his voice was childlike, quite innocent, but laced with anger. "Mou Kenshin, you scared me! Is Yahiko-chan sleeping already?"

"Iie. He hasn't returned from the Akabeko yet." Wouldn't you know Kaoru? You were there, weren't you?

"Oh." She nodded, remembering that she had seen her student dashing about the restaurant earlier when she'd been there with Tatsuha. Sliding open her room door, Kaoru had barely taken a step when an arm shot out in front of her, blocking her entrance. Completely unexpecting that, she stumbled back and then stared dumbly at the magenta clothed arm. What was up with him today? "Ken-"

"Why are you doing this?"

"What?" She looked over at him in puzzlement but he wouldn't meet her gaze.

"All of this." She was silent, trying to figure out what "all of this" meant. Suddenly her heart sank as she realized what he was talking about.

"You found out." Kaoru stated although it sounded more like a question. She lowered her eyes guiltily, not wanting to see the expression on her beloved rurouni's face.

"So when were you going to tell me?"

"Soon . . ." When I was ready, Kaoru added mentally.

"What? AFTER the wedding ceremony?!" She shook her head meekly, letting out a frightened gasp as her wide blue eyes met glaring golden ones. Amber. His eyes were amber! Great job Kamiya, she congratulated herself, you've gone and pissed off Battousai. "Did you even consider how I would feel about this, Kaoru?!" Kenshin was growling. If his anger hadn't been directed towards her, she probably would've found his manner rather enticing. What was he saying now?? She forced herself to listen although she actually preferred the security of her room. "How could you go and pull a stunt like this?! Everything we've been through together, what we had . . ."

"Ano . . ." She began.

"Tell me that they didn't mean anything to you at all!" Kaoru's head snapped up and she glared at him, challenging him almost, relinquishing the fact that he was in his semi-battousai mode.

"How dare you assume such things! Tell me, Kenshin," the emphasis on his name was almost mocking. "Just WHAT exactly did we have? Love?" Scoffing, she continued, without letting him interrupt. "Last time I checked, love was on a two person basis, not a one sided deal!" The tone of her voice turned from anger to bitterness. "Don't you understand? I'm tired of all these stupid games! It hurts, Kenshin!" Silence fell between them and she turned away, not wanting him to see her tears. Almost pleadingly, "I-I just want to be happy . . ."

"Do you love him, Kaoru?" There was only pain in his voice and it stung her horribly. Not the way that I love you, Kaoru thought as she stared at the floor silently, wanting nothing more than to disappear. She'd never answer that question, not if she could help it. Love? She could probably care less about what love really was anymore. All she wanted was to stop being so miserable. If loving Kenshin meant being miserable, then she didn't want that. She didn't bother to voice that out, but he seemed to read her mind. Kenshin grasped her shoulders, almost begging for a reasonable explanation as if her answer would provide a solution for everything. "Why then? Why are you doing this?!"

"Why do you keep pushing me away?!" Came the unexpected question that was thrown back in Kenshin's face. His hands dropped to his sides and he closed his eyes tightly. I love you. Because I love you, Kaoru.

"Sessha . . . Sessh-" He began again, his throat constricted, as he struggled to speak. He could say it. He could. "Sessha is unworthy" came out instead. Oro. He couldn't say it. He was regretful that instant as Kaoru smacked him, angry tears welling up in her eyes.

"Himura Kenshin! You're so incredibly selfish!!! Don't give me that "I'm not worthy" crap! I'm sick of hearing it! Either you love me or you don't!" She began sobbing uncontrollably. "Stop treating me like some kind of toy! I have feelings! You can't expect me to love you when the only thing you do is push me away! You can't even entirely accept it anyways, only taking what you need, when you need it! Did I ever consider YOUR feelings? What about ME?! Do you enjoy making me hurt??" Kenshin looked at her pitifully, the amber glow had long since disappeared, revealing a pair of wide violet eyes that glistened with shock and hurt at her words. Kaoru tried to compose herself, ashamed at the way she had fallen apart. Taking a deep breath her voice only came out as a shaky whisper, "Gomenasai, Kenshin, but I just can't wait around forever." At that she stepped into her room, sliding the door close behind her.

The red-haired man stood there numbly, clenching his fists as the harsh reality of her confession slapped him back and forth a bit. She was right. If there was anyone he should be angry at, it was himself. He'd been completely selfish, wanting Kaoru to belong to him, wanting her love but never giving in. He wanted her to be happy, but he couldn't find it in his heart to let her go either and this was tearing her apart. Soft pained eyes turned towards the paper covered door; a hand reached out but then dropped. I love you Kaoru. You know it. I know it. And I know that you want to hear it, but I can't. I can't say it. Kami-sama knows how much I want to say it. But it just won't come out. So be it, koishii. I'll let you go.

I'll let you find the happiness that I can't seem to give you.