=Author's Note= Sorrieeee!!! ^__^ Uhh . . . wow this chapter was hard to
write because I had to pick up from where I left off about 2 months ago . .
. never stop writing in the middle of a fic or you'll lose all train of
thought. Hope I didn't mess anything up . . . enjoy!
=Disclaimer= I do not own any of the characters from Rurouni Kenshin.
----------------------------- Chapter 5 -----------------------------
Kaoru smiled slightly as she touched her lips where Tatsuha had kissed her moments ago before leaving. It had been sweet and gentle, yet she found herself wishing it had been Kenshin who'd kissed her. Kaoru no baka! You know that won't ever happen again. Not after Kenshin saw you in Tatsuha's arms. She had forgotten about the rurouni because she'd been so surprised to see her fiancé. No matter how much she longed for her beloved rurouni, she had to remember that "they" no longer existed. Well not that there had been an actual "they" in the first place. Still . . .
Unbeknownst to the slightly dazed young woman, Kenshin had witnessed the endearing kiss between the couple and it had torn him to pieces. Kaoru, no! As if seeing you in the arms of another man wasn't enough. Unable to move, he'd stood there in the shadows, forced to watch the intimate exchange. Even now, he watched as Kaoru walked back towards the dojo, not knowing what he wanted to do. She looked happy, touching her lips in a curious daze. He found himself wondering if she'd ever done that for him; if his kisses had ever left her dazed and curious. Koishii . . . I can't take this anymore. "Kaoru." She turned, a look of guilt crossing her face as she spotted him.
"Himura-san." Kenshin cringed.
"Kaoru, why do you insist on calling me 'Himura-san' as if we are strangers?"
I need to. I need to put this distance between us, Kaoru thought. "I don't know." There was an awkward silence that settled among them. "Ano . . . was there something you needed?"
"I need to talk to you, if that is alright." She nodded, her earlier display of anger and coldness completely forgotten. "I'll be honest with you . . . I owe you that much." Kenshin hid his face behind the layer of red hair as he spoke, knowing that if he looked at Kaoru, he would never be able to fully confess how he was feeling. "Kaoru, I know that I've been a complete fool and you were right, I have been completely selfish."
"I wanted you to be happy in finding someone else who would worthy, but I didn't want to let you go either, so I hung on. I took you for granted, selfishly holding onto your love but keeping you at a distance. I didn't think about how much I was hurting you, just that I was keeping you safe. It pains me to see you with another man, knowing that he can give you the happiness that I'll never be able to provide you. No matter how much I want to be that someone, I know it'll never happen. I don't deserve that. Gomenasai for causing you so much misery, Kaoru."
"Kenshin no baka." Was Kaoru's quiet reply. "Apology accepted, but you're wrong. You could give me the same happiness if you would just let me love you and love me in return."
"Iie, Kaoru. It's not enough. I don't deserve your love."
"How can y-" Kenshin hushed her, a sad smile crossing his lips.
"I just need to know. Are you truly happy with him?" Kaoru gazed up at him then closed her eyes briefly.
"Would it change anything between us if I told you no?" He knew what she was asking.
"Iie. Probably not. That's why I want to make sure you're happy. That's all that matters. I don't want to be selfish any longer and hold you back." Her blue eyes flew open in alarm.
"Iie! You can't leave! You can't!"
"I need to Kaoru. You're getting married. There's no room for me here. Besides, even if you weren't to be wed, I couldn't stay here any longer knowing the pain that I was putting you through. It will only be the same thing over and over again. I can't give you the happiness you deserve."
"Iie!!! I won't hear of it!" She shook her head vehemently, but was forced to stop as Kenshin cupped her face in his hands, gently brushing away the tears that had spilt from Kaoru's glassy eyes.
"Are you happy?"
"Kenshin, please don't leave." She murmured pitifully. "I'm sorry I brought all of this up. I should have never gotten mi-"
"Don't say that! Don't you realize that this is inevitable?" He hugged her tightly. "Answer me Kaoru. Tell me the truth."
"I love you, Kenshin!"
"Iie. The truth, Kaoru. I need to hear it."
"That is the truth! I love you! Don't go!" She pleaded.
"Does Yamada Tatsuha make you happy?"
Silence.
"H-hai." The next thing she knew, Kenshin had pressed his lips against hers, giving her a soft lingering kiss.
"You're not giving up your chance at happiness for me, Kaoru, I won't let you." He kissed her again, holding her tightly, trying to imprint this moment into his mind. The last time he'd be able to hold her like this before she would be claimed by another man. The tear-stricken girl clung on to his gi, fisting the material in her fingers as Kenshin patted her back.
"Don't go. I won't marry . . . just don't leave . . . I love you . . ." For a moment the rurouni almost changed his mind but he held strong, looking down at Kaoru with determination.
"I have caused you nothing but trouble and pain since I came into your life . . . it is time that I leave and bring all the bad memories with me. I will wander again and that is that." Kaoru opened her mouth in protest but was silenced with a stern look. "Don't even think about it. I will see to it that you don't follow me, not this time." In a softer tone, "Yamada-san cares for you a lot and he could give you what I can't."
"You don't know what you're talking about . . ." Kaoru murmured, releasing his clothes and taking a step back.
"I know that you deserve to be pampered and taken care of. You need to be showered with love and I can't give you any of that. He could fulfill your every need."
"Don't assume you know what I need, Kenshin. You don't know."
"It doesn't matter. I could nev-"
"You're absolutely right. You couldn't possibly fulfill my needs!" Kaoru interrupted, angrily. Kenshin began to lower his eyes at her outburst, only to meet her frustrated gaze again as she continued to speak. "How could you provide me with what I 'need' if you've never even really bothered to try?"
"Kaoru . . ." She shook her head and took another step back, eyes blazing.
"I don't care for what kind of life Tatsuha could provide me with. I don't need the gifts or the luxury. He isn't you . . . but I'm beginning to believe that he is more of a man than you are." Kenshin's eyes narrowed slightly. He knew he looked feminine, but it was not that necessary to poke fun at something he had no control over. "He's not afraid to show me how much he loves me, which is something you can't even do. I just needed to know where 'we' stood, rather than to play guessing games all day long. You couldn't even manage that."
"All I needed from you was for you to stop pushing me away . . . that was all I wanted. You misjudged me, Kenshin. I would've waited till you were ready to tell me. I would've waited a lifetime, if you would've just given me some kind of sign to let me know that there was an actual 'us'."
"Kao-"
"Don't worry. I understand perfectly. If you loved me as much as you claimed you did, then you wouldn't have given up so easily. You wouldn't be running away if you cared. I'm glad I could finally see where I stand in all of this. So go if you want. I promise I won't follow you." The bitter iciness in her voice stabbed at his heart, her words stopping his blood cold. Kaoru hesitated for a moment, waiting for the man she loved with all her heart to just contradict her words, but he just stood there silently. So it was true. He didn't love her enough to stay. Had he wanted to leave again, using this as a perfect opportunity to wander? He was probably glad to get away from her. With that last thought in mind, a muffled sob escaped her throat as she ran for her room.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Kaoru . . . how could you say that? Do you really believe that I don't care? You're so pure, so innocent . . . so full of strength. You're the reason I live . . . I love you so much it hurts to let go . . . but I know it's for the best. I won't be putting your life in danger anymore. I won't be burdening you with my filthy past. Maybe it's just best that I let you think I don't care. It'll be easier on you . . . as long as I'm not causing you any more misery . . . you'll be happy with Yamada-san.
After packing the few items he owned, the rurouni passed Kaoru's room on the way out. He stood there eyes closed, hands clenched tightly, listening to her soft sniffles. It wasn't right to part on such terms but what other choice did he have?
=Disclaimer= I do not own any of the characters from Rurouni Kenshin.
----------------------------- Chapter 5 -----------------------------
Kaoru smiled slightly as she touched her lips where Tatsuha had kissed her moments ago before leaving. It had been sweet and gentle, yet she found herself wishing it had been Kenshin who'd kissed her. Kaoru no baka! You know that won't ever happen again. Not after Kenshin saw you in Tatsuha's arms. She had forgotten about the rurouni because she'd been so surprised to see her fiancé. No matter how much she longed for her beloved rurouni, she had to remember that "they" no longer existed. Well not that there had been an actual "they" in the first place. Still . . .
Unbeknownst to the slightly dazed young woman, Kenshin had witnessed the endearing kiss between the couple and it had torn him to pieces. Kaoru, no! As if seeing you in the arms of another man wasn't enough. Unable to move, he'd stood there in the shadows, forced to watch the intimate exchange. Even now, he watched as Kaoru walked back towards the dojo, not knowing what he wanted to do. She looked happy, touching her lips in a curious daze. He found himself wondering if she'd ever done that for him; if his kisses had ever left her dazed and curious. Koishii . . . I can't take this anymore. "Kaoru." She turned, a look of guilt crossing her face as she spotted him.
"Himura-san." Kenshin cringed.
"Kaoru, why do you insist on calling me 'Himura-san' as if we are strangers?"
I need to. I need to put this distance between us, Kaoru thought. "I don't know." There was an awkward silence that settled among them. "Ano . . . was there something you needed?"
"I need to talk to you, if that is alright." She nodded, her earlier display of anger and coldness completely forgotten. "I'll be honest with you . . . I owe you that much." Kenshin hid his face behind the layer of red hair as he spoke, knowing that if he looked at Kaoru, he would never be able to fully confess how he was feeling. "Kaoru, I know that I've been a complete fool and you were right, I have been completely selfish."
"I wanted you to be happy in finding someone else who would worthy, but I didn't want to let you go either, so I hung on. I took you for granted, selfishly holding onto your love but keeping you at a distance. I didn't think about how much I was hurting you, just that I was keeping you safe. It pains me to see you with another man, knowing that he can give you the happiness that I'll never be able to provide you. No matter how much I want to be that someone, I know it'll never happen. I don't deserve that. Gomenasai for causing you so much misery, Kaoru."
"Kenshin no baka." Was Kaoru's quiet reply. "Apology accepted, but you're wrong. You could give me the same happiness if you would just let me love you and love me in return."
"Iie, Kaoru. It's not enough. I don't deserve your love."
"How can y-" Kenshin hushed her, a sad smile crossing his lips.
"I just need to know. Are you truly happy with him?" Kaoru gazed up at him then closed her eyes briefly.
"Would it change anything between us if I told you no?" He knew what she was asking.
"Iie. Probably not. That's why I want to make sure you're happy. That's all that matters. I don't want to be selfish any longer and hold you back." Her blue eyes flew open in alarm.
"Iie! You can't leave! You can't!"
"I need to Kaoru. You're getting married. There's no room for me here. Besides, even if you weren't to be wed, I couldn't stay here any longer knowing the pain that I was putting you through. It will only be the same thing over and over again. I can't give you the happiness you deserve."
"Iie!!! I won't hear of it!" She shook her head vehemently, but was forced to stop as Kenshin cupped her face in his hands, gently brushing away the tears that had spilt from Kaoru's glassy eyes.
"Are you happy?"
"Kenshin, please don't leave." She murmured pitifully. "I'm sorry I brought all of this up. I should have never gotten mi-"
"Don't say that! Don't you realize that this is inevitable?" He hugged her tightly. "Answer me Kaoru. Tell me the truth."
"I love you, Kenshin!"
"Iie. The truth, Kaoru. I need to hear it."
"That is the truth! I love you! Don't go!" She pleaded.
"Does Yamada Tatsuha make you happy?"
Silence.
"H-hai." The next thing she knew, Kenshin had pressed his lips against hers, giving her a soft lingering kiss.
"You're not giving up your chance at happiness for me, Kaoru, I won't let you." He kissed her again, holding her tightly, trying to imprint this moment into his mind. The last time he'd be able to hold her like this before she would be claimed by another man. The tear-stricken girl clung on to his gi, fisting the material in her fingers as Kenshin patted her back.
"Don't go. I won't marry . . . just don't leave . . . I love you . . ." For a moment the rurouni almost changed his mind but he held strong, looking down at Kaoru with determination.
"I have caused you nothing but trouble and pain since I came into your life . . . it is time that I leave and bring all the bad memories with me. I will wander again and that is that." Kaoru opened her mouth in protest but was silenced with a stern look. "Don't even think about it. I will see to it that you don't follow me, not this time." In a softer tone, "Yamada-san cares for you a lot and he could give you what I can't."
"You don't know what you're talking about . . ." Kaoru murmured, releasing his clothes and taking a step back.
"I know that you deserve to be pampered and taken care of. You need to be showered with love and I can't give you any of that. He could fulfill your every need."
"Don't assume you know what I need, Kenshin. You don't know."
"It doesn't matter. I could nev-"
"You're absolutely right. You couldn't possibly fulfill my needs!" Kaoru interrupted, angrily. Kenshin began to lower his eyes at her outburst, only to meet her frustrated gaze again as she continued to speak. "How could you provide me with what I 'need' if you've never even really bothered to try?"
"Kaoru . . ." She shook her head and took another step back, eyes blazing.
"I don't care for what kind of life Tatsuha could provide me with. I don't need the gifts or the luxury. He isn't you . . . but I'm beginning to believe that he is more of a man than you are." Kenshin's eyes narrowed slightly. He knew he looked feminine, but it was not that necessary to poke fun at something he had no control over. "He's not afraid to show me how much he loves me, which is something you can't even do. I just needed to know where 'we' stood, rather than to play guessing games all day long. You couldn't even manage that."
"All I needed from you was for you to stop pushing me away . . . that was all I wanted. You misjudged me, Kenshin. I would've waited till you were ready to tell me. I would've waited a lifetime, if you would've just given me some kind of sign to let me know that there was an actual 'us'."
"Kao-"
"Don't worry. I understand perfectly. If you loved me as much as you claimed you did, then you wouldn't have given up so easily. You wouldn't be running away if you cared. I'm glad I could finally see where I stand in all of this. So go if you want. I promise I won't follow you." The bitter iciness in her voice stabbed at his heart, her words stopping his blood cold. Kaoru hesitated for a moment, waiting for the man she loved with all her heart to just contradict her words, but he just stood there silently. So it was true. He didn't love her enough to stay. Had he wanted to leave again, using this as a perfect opportunity to wander? He was probably glad to get away from her. With that last thought in mind, a muffled sob escaped her throat as she ran for her room.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Kaoru . . . how could you say that? Do you really believe that I don't care? You're so pure, so innocent . . . so full of strength. You're the reason I live . . . I love you so much it hurts to let go . . . but I know it's for the best. I won't be putting your life in danger anymore. I won't be burdening you with my filthy past. Maybe it's just best that I let you think I don't care. It'll be easier on you . . . as long as I'm not causing you any more misery . . . you'll be happy with Yamada-san.
After packing the few items he owned, the rurouni passed Kaoru's room on the way out. He stood there eyes closed, hands clenched tightly, listening to her soft sniffles. It wasn't right to part on such terms but what other choice did he have?
