I have read through and edited the entire fic.
Hopefully, I've ironed out some of the kinks and errors I had missed during
the first post.
Thank you for the support you've given during the time I was writing this! I
appreciated it very much.
Soon, I'd find the right time and inspiration to write more!
~Keithan~
18 March 2003
_______________________________________________
Title: Things Unspoken
Author: Keithan
Disclaimers: Lord of the Rings and its characters belongs to their respective
owners.
Rating: PG-13
Series: 1/5
Warnings: This fic contains nothing graphic but involves certain matters,
such as male to male relationships, that some might find offensive. Thus, this
should be read only upon agreeing that one must proceed with an open mind and
could accept the things mentioned above.
Summary: Aragorn slowly learns once again of his feelings, pure and untainted,
for Legolas, who out of respect and love, stays clear off his path sacrificing
his own feelings for both the Man and Arwen.
THINGS UNSPOKEN__________
part 1: eyes on you
The night was young, and the stars had just graced the mantle of darkness up above. Together with the soft pale light of the moon, they illuminated the grounds here below, creating a scene of tranquility and peace.
If I hadn't known better, I'd say it was the case.
But no.
Not only now did I wish that I did not hold the knowledge I hold. For instead of having a peaceful camp in this fairly beautiful night, sitting by the fire as I'd done for the past years of my life, we now walk here in the darkness, with the shadow of fear covering us like a blanket we couldn't be separated from.
Our bodies were weary and our feet were crying out to be rested for they have been walking for a day's length, perhaps more. We'd only rested for a short drink in a clear stream hours earlier, but although they voiced it not, it wasn't enough for the Hobbits' inexperienced legs, and Pippin's stomach must already be complaining right now.
I spared him a glance. He remained a few paces ahead of me, since I chose to stay in the end of the line to guard there, while Gandalf led us in front, Legolas a guard next to him, and Gimli and Boromir stayed near the hobbits. It seemed that I was just right because he was whispering something, most likely a complaint, to Merry.
"We stop here for the night." Gandalf suddenly said.
I saw Pippin nearly jumped for joy, as well as Merry. Sam and Frodo smiled in relief for they would be able to rest at last. Even Gimli approved of this.
I looked around our surroundings, and saw that Gandalf had chosen well. There was a large burrow surrounded by large rocks and trees ahead of us, seemingly made for camping: quite discrete enough not to be noticeable.
The Hobbits immediately made themselves comfortable. Merry, Pippin, and Frodo sat and leaned against a large boulder, while Sam rummaged through his pack to prepare supper.
Boromir had already started making a fire, with Gimli assisting him.
"Rest at last! My stomach has been complaining for hours now for it to be filled." Pippin said with a weary sigh of relief.
"'Tis your mouth that has been complaining, young Took." Gandalf answered. "A stomach, of any creature, may it be Hobbits, Elves, Dwarves or Men can go on for at least a certain period of time without fill," The Istari found himself a seat farther from the now lit campfire than the Hobbits before continuing, "It's only you who can't sacrifice at least, Peregrin."
I smiled inwardly at the Hobbits' cheerful ways as Pippin immediately had something to say. They always acted as if danger was far from reach.
I was about to join them and take a seat, when a thought just occurred to me.
The problem with beings so quiet, full of stealth and grace, who may choose to remain silent, was that you never know when they are actually with you or not. I didn't know whether to praise Elves for such ability or to be annoyed with them, especially if you have been chosen as a target for an Elf's playful scheme, which I experienced enough with Elrond's two sons.
But this Elf was neither Elladan nor Elrohir.
Rather Legolas, and he was nowhere to be seen.
I glanced at Gandalf, but he seemed oblivious to my thoughts and worry. So were the others. I frowned and began to search the surroundings with my eyes, not wanting to bring any attention to myself. Fear and worry started to well up in me. What if something had happened to the fair Elf? I hadn't noticed him since..
"What is it that troubles you, Dúnadan?" Startling me for a moment, his voice made me realized that I was worrying for nothing. Recognizing the soft melodious voice of the Elf from behind me, I felt myself relaxing unconsciously. Memories of my stay in Mirkwood were evoked by his choice of name. I gave him a side-glance, turning my head slightly, not wanting to show my useless worry. I should have known everything was just fine. Or the Ranger in me should have known.
He stood up straight from his crouching position. He seemed to me as if he just jumped down from a tree just behind where I was standing without me even noticing it, and maybe he did just that. Once again, I asked myself if I should praise such ability, a great advantage when used against the enemies, but a disadvantage when used against your own self.
I shook my head. "It is nothing, Legolas." I answered equally soft. I found myself unable to continue what I was about to do before I got distracted, that was to walk nearer to the Company and rest. Instead, I waited for him. He took a few steps and stood beside me, eyes on the fire.
"I understand." said he. "The surroundings, I can almost say, are safe. The trees and creatures of this land doesn't mind our presence." he reported.
I nodded, fully trusting his words. I, myself, felt the surroundings, and indeed, it wasn't as quiet and tensed as the places we had camped on before.
I looked at him and saw him focused on the sight of the Hobbits chattering about everything they found interesting. The fire almost made his hair glow and his eyes seem to be afire as well.
Legolas was beautiful, that I could honestly say, as all Elves seemed to be. Though the warrior within him made it a bit different. His grace was carried in his fighting as well as in everything that he did. And truly, I wouldn't hesitate to trust my life in him in battle, as I had done many times before, and I was sure to do again as this perilous travel continued.
He turned to me, question in his eyes. I looked away, inwardly guilty for staring longer than what was appropriate, and shook my head.
At that moment, Sam called for us, for our meal was soon to be ready.
The Elf smiled at the Hobbit, being fond of the four, as the others in the Fellowship and I had become of them. "Don't dwell into things of both importance and unimportance right now, Aragorn," He said. "Come, let us take advantage of this peaceful night, and pray that nothing goes wrong at least until the dawn breaks," And he walked towards the others.
I watched unconsciously, his voice still in my ears.
It has been so long now, Legolas.
I ate in silence as I usually do, just listening in on the conversation, or at least pretending to do so. I sat away from the group, though not very much so, wanting to be alone. I finished my meal ahead of the others, and it was only then that I raised my eyes back to the Company.
Gimli was again narrating the glory of his kin, having found the hobbits as a good and responsive audience. My gaze then met Legolas' who I assumed, had also just finished his meal.
I didn't know why I held his gaze longer than necessary. Perhaps I felt that there are things much more conveyed with the eyes than with words, or maybe I just couldn't find the will to look away. His eyes seemed to be deeper than the deepest sea, and I found myself drowning in them, not the first time in my entire life, but the first time since this journey started. He looked surprised for a while upon meeting my own eyes, and dare I say, found himself in the same predicament I was in.
The conversation tuned out in my mind, and all was lost as I completely loose hold on any ground I had, and drowned myself even more. I didn't understand his eyes. No, I would take that back. Maybe I didn't understand him at all.
His eyes remained locked on mine while the others continued to be unaware of this. He looked confused now, maybe I was as well, though his eyes bore no question. They held great intensity that even I couldn't comprehend. Was that what you get for living so many years, Legolas?
His eyes were expressive, having emotions clearly shown, but I found them very hard to decipher.
Finally, once again, Pippin didn't fail to go unnoticed as he announced that his hunger had been quelled. Almost at the same time, Legolas and I looked at him. Whatever tie there was between us was suddenly broken.
The young Hobbit stretched and yawned, and continued to ramble on.
I looked back at our Elf companion, and met his gaze once more, though this time, he looked away immediately.
I felt as if I had done something wrong for some reason, though I couldn't remember doing anything that was so. My eyes followed him as he stood up and deposited his finished meal with the others, his Elven grace evident in every movement.
"Whose turn is it to take watch?" Frodo asked timidly.
Gandalf looked around, momentarily forgetting whose turn it really was.
Standing up, I know sleep wouldn't be coming soon so I decided to volunteer and answered...
"It's mine."
...my voice combining with another.
The rest of the Fellowship looked at me, then at Legolas who had answered at the same time. I looked at him, a brow raised in question. He carried the same look I held.
"You need not tire yourself, Aragorn. I see you are weary as everyone here is. Sleep and rest well. I'll rouse you when I feel the need to lay my head down." Legolas said, as he prepared himself for the first watch.
I barely noticed the others, who thought then that it was decided, looked at Legolas. But I wasn't about to give in. Their heads then turned back to me when I answered again, though I gave them no more attention.
"Though the idea of sleep is so much comforting after a day's travel, I'm afraid that it will only elude me tonight. I will take the first watch. Go on ahead and have your rest." I said and was about to ignore what he was about to say. I wouldn't let him watch tonight, a sudden feeling of protectiveness, which I hadn't felt for years, crept upon me again, and letting him stay awake while I rest was not something I was welcoming, not tonight. Though I knew not why.
'I'm an Elf, Dúnadan,' He said, unconsciously slipping into the Elven tongue. 'And I can go on longer without sleep than Men can. I suggest for you to turn in for the night and rest assured that I'll sense when danger comes.'
The fluidity of the Elven speech from him directed at me made me stop for a moment, since he usually did not speak to me in that language in front of others. It gave me a sense of companionship between myself and him for it was only to me that he used his native tongue. Not even Gandalf had the pleasure of speaking to him that way beyond necessary. Then remembering our conversation, I shook my head at him and started to gather my things to prepare for a watch I was determined to take.
'I do not question your abilities, Legolas, and I trust you in a watch. You may be an Elf, yes, but I fear my heart doesn't allow me to let you stay awake while I rest in slumber.' I answered, also in his native speech. I stopped for a while, repeating to myself what I had just said. I looked at him, and he seemed taken aback by the words that left my mouth, words so foreign coming from me. I never was the one to speak my motives out in the open unless they needed be.
If we had been paying attention, we would have noticed the confused looks everyone gave us, as their heads turned back and forth to the Elf and myself trying but failing to understand what we were saying and the raised brow Gandalf directed on us, especially on me. But we weren't.
Legolas was about to say something more, when Gandalf stood and stopped the rising debate. "Since both of you wants to take the first watch, then we shall have two for the first watch. I do not wish to stay up all night just to see who'll take it."
I saw Merry nod in agreement as he shook off the initial confusion he felt and stretched his hands over his head. "Now that's decided, I would like to take a well deserved rest if I may say." With that said, he prepared his things and readied himself for his sleep.
Sam looked to it that Bill was fine, and went to cuddle with his makeshift bed as well. One by one, the rest of the Company drowsed off.
The fire was now dim. And slowly and gradually, it was dying and losing its flame.
It was then that I realized that neither Legolas nor I had moved from our positions.
I looked up to him, and saw that he too realized that as well.
He said something softly, still in their kin's speech, which I could not hear. I felt as if his eyes were trying to get through me, but seemed as if they're failing. I held my breath as he continued to try. He then gave me a soft smile, and just shook his head. I felt the corner of my mouth lift in a slight smile in return.
"You are still stubborn as always, Aragorn." Slipping now into Common Tongue, he said.
I smiled wider, the tension that seemed to hang in the air finally dissipating. "Perhaps."
He then jumped up on a large rock, and jumped further atop the large boulder that sheltered our campsite. He stood there in all his beauty and elegance, the moon making his already natural glow look ethereal as if he'd been sent by some god from above to guard over our Company.
I shook my head from my straying thoughts. A smile playing on my lips, I momentarily forgot the dangerous journey that was still lying ahead. I looked up again and saw the Elf already doing his job, while I still stood unmoving since the lords know when.
I sighed, and shook my head once more. I followed his example and lacking the Elven grace and abilities, I climbed my way on top.
It was not after a good half hour had passed since anything was exchanged between us. Before then, the silence was very well welcomed, and the knowledge of having someone beside you was comforting.
"The darkness entails fear and anxieties to us all, and it is so great not even the brightest light can chase the shadows away." Legolas said softly, having no intention of disturbing not only the others but the trees and the creatures of the forest as well.
"Yet in your company I feel at ease, and the troubles lie underneath our feet." I answered truthfully, though no trace of smile or merriness can be seen in my face.
He gave me a short glance just as the wind blew, leaving strays of his golden strands in his face, before bringing his eyes to the dark forest around us once more. "I'm glad to hear that."
"I'm glad to have said it." I said, wanting to reach out and put the strands of hair in his face in order. Though I was afraid years had passed, and our companionship once inseparable was no more than a mere acquaintance of a teammate to another.
I removed my eyes from him and focused them on another things with less importance, like a leaf in a tree, or a harmless creature of the night searching for food. "It's been a while, son of Thranduil." I said.
He smiled, but he didn't answer, though I didn't expect him to. But after some moments, he said, "A while indeed, Dúnadan."
It had been years since I had set foot on the lands of Mirkwood, and though it might be nothing for an Elf, it was different for a Man. I was so much younger, rash and impulsive. Daring to enter unknown lands and meeting creatures of this world. The House of Elrond and the Elf-lord, himself, had given me enough wisdom for me to be able to live outside the protective borders of Rivendell, and live I did, for this long. I was thankful to him for it.
"I must say I missed the singing of your bow in battle." I said, telling nothing but the truth, but also hinting on something more.
He let out a soft laugh. "An archer is always missed, for he brings down enemies long before they even attacked." He said, without a trace of arrogance or pride, merely stating a general knowledge and fact.
I smiled wistfully. "That is not what I meant." I thought he'd understand that I missed his company, his friendship, the jests and the laughter and not only his skills in fighting.
He never failed to surprise me as he answered, "I know." His face grew thoughtful, as he raised his eyes to the heavens.
I turned my head to look at him, as another gust of wind blew. I absentmindedly reached out and tucked the loose strands behind his ear with a gentleness I was surprised to have.
He frowned in hesitation, ever so slightly, I hardly saw it, and looked away.
'Do me a favor and distinguish me from any of my kin.' He said slipping into his native tongue again.
It was my turn to frown. "I'm afraid I don't completely understand what you're trying to say." I said, still in common speech.
Legolas either didn't hear me, or just ignored me, dismissing my query. Most probably, the latter.
And silence had fallen on us again.
After a while, he stood up.
"I'll give the rest of the watch to you, wake me if you need to." He said, looking down at me, before jumping down silently.
"Legolas.." I cried out softly to him, and then jumped down myself. I have this uneasy feeling that he refused to stay in my company any longer.
He didn't turn around, and if he intended to do so, I could not know, for I grabbed his wrist though not forcefully. It caused him to look at me and he gave me a questioning look.
'Legolas, please..' I said, in a voice just above the sound of the softly blowing wind, using his own language. 'Do I agitate you?'
He almost sighed and lowered his eyes. ''Tis not you that disturbs me, but my own self, Dúnadan. I apologize.' he said, then made a move to continue his way to rest.
But I prevented him, my grasp on his wrist not tightening, but enough to stop him from going anywhere. I lifted my free hand and dared to reach it to his cheek, caressing it gently, forgetting all hesitations I could have had. 'Don't distance yourself from me, please.' I then tilted his chin to make him look at me. 'Why do I feel as if you've been avoiding me ever since this journey has began?'
He didn't look away. 'I'm not avoiding you, nor am I distancing myself from you.' he removed his hand slowly from my grasp. 'Whatever distance we have has been there ever since we've parted ways..'
I couldn't hold it much longer. I never knew up to this point that I still hold something for him. Acting on impulse, I covered his lips with mine and stopped whatever it was that he had to say.
Startled, to say the least, he responded hesitantly. And it was all the answer and assurance I needed to know.
He and I were friends, still are. Though I know not of when I stopped looking at him as a friend, and admired him for something more. It took me a very long while to realize and to accept such reality. I thought he felt the same. I stayed in Mirkwood for a period of time, and had done many battles and quests with him and his people too. The simple acts of kindness conveyed many, and the looks we often shared spoke thousands. Though I never knew for certain. I left even before we could figure things out.
I asked him to come with me, though I knew there was a little chance of it. He was a prince, and his kingdom needed him. He never showed any signs of sadness or grief with my departure and made me thought it was because there was none. He just smiled, and said, 'Farewell, Aragorn, son of Arathorn. The sun sets on us today. Be on your way! Pray you may have a safe journey ahead of you. 'Til the dawn comes and when our paths once again cross!'
It dampened the little hope I had. I looked at him then, and hoped that he saw through me for once. His eyes softened, and he seemed to understand, I thought and hoped he understood. Though I do not know for sure, words were not spoken any more. Then I turned my back and went on a journey I was to take. I hadn't seen him since, for a Ranger's life I had continued and taken.
And now, his lips on mine were beyond description. I tilted his chin further more, though I dared not touch him anymore than what I already was touching, for fear I might taint his untainted soul. The fading light of the fire lighted our forms a soft orange glow, as the moon cast our shadows long before our feet.
I knew the moment wouldn't last, though I was hoping it could have lasted longer. He pulled away gently, looking at me with his guarded eyes. I didn't know what to say. He looked at me as if nothing had happened, as if he was just saying that the area was safe, and no trouble was near.
'You belong to her, Aragorn.' He pointed at my chest, laying his finger on it, Elven words softly whispered.
I stopped a moment. Of course, I hadn't forgotten Arwen. My hand unconsciously lifted to my chest where he just pointed, holding the necklace underneath my clothing. I looked down, my guilt greater than I could bear at this point.
He needed not say anything more, and turned his back to me and walked away. He accepted and assumed that I was for Arwen. I thought I, myself, was sure about that. Though tonight proved me wrong, clearly and absolutely wrong. I loved her, yes, but there were, there are, and there will always be things beyond my knowledge and control. I didn't intend for this to happen.
'You belong to her, Aragorn.'
I was not even sure of that anymore. Maybe I wasn't sure about everything, but I knew something that I realized hadn't changed even after years. I looked up at his form, back turned to me as he arranged his pack.
'Yet, my heart yearns for you.' I said softly, my eyes on him.
His movements stopped for a brief single moment. And I knew, at that point, he heard it. Then as the winds blew over our camp again, he continued what he was doing, ignoring what I said. Not soon after, he laid on his side, back to the rest of the Company, including myself.
I sighed, barely audible. My hand still holding the necklace hung around my neck, I made my way back on top of the large boulder to stand on watch again.
Realizations proved to be a great nuisance, for they always come late, and when least expected. I let my hand fall from its hold on the necklace and tried to focus on the task at hand.
Unspoken words need not to be uttered, though saying them still makes a difference.
01.31.02
continued
