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Title: Things Unspoken
Author: Keithan
Disclaimers: Lord of the Rings and its characters belongs to their respective owners.
Rating: PG-13
Series: 2/5
Warnings: This fic contains nothing graphic but involves certain matters, such as male to male relationships, that some might find offensive. Thus, this should be read only upon agreeing that one must proceed with an open mind and could accept the things mentioned above.
Summary: Aragorn slowly learns once again of his feelings, pure and untainted, for Legolas, who out of respect and love, stays clear off his path sacrificing his own feelings for both the Man and Arwen.

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THINGS UNSPOKEN__________
part 2: words of the wise

Every day was a weight to bear and every step was a silent reminder of what lies ahead of us. Still, we continued on. Brave and undaunted, we journeyed the lands and still continued to do so until we reach our destination. Even that, we could not be sure of, for we were dealing with an enemy too powerful for our own good.

I completely ignored the coldness of the snow, or tried to do so at least. This path we had already abandoned, but how could we go back if Caradhras continued to act ill towards us?

I followed Boromir and tried to make a path for us to travel in, digging hard with my arms to set the cold white aside. The snow was almost breast high. The coldness burned through my hands, making them numb and unable to feel. But I gave them no attention. We must get a path done so that we could leave this accursed mountain.

"The strongest must seek a way, say you?"

I looked up when I heard Legolas' amused tone as if all this didn't worry him. I saw his smiling face and a playful look was in his eyes. Indeed, this did not bother him at all! Standing tall and proud atop the snow, as only he, among us, could do, he smiled to the hobbits.

"But I say: let a ploughman plough but choose an otter for swimming, and for running light over grass and leaf, or over snow, an Elf!" he continued, bringing to our memory a fact that we should have remembered.

I found myself smiling, shaking my head. Why had we forgotten that we have him, an Elf, for a companion? He could walk atop the softest snow, and thus, Boromir and I had our heads up just to look at him, for we were half buried in the snow while he stood a few feet above us. He could scout ahead and see what moves were to be made.

He looked down and gave the two of us an amused look and with a wave of his hand, he went running ahead. He ran as swift as he did over normal grounds, not even hinting that his foot would pass through the thick layer of snow. I was glad he found this amusing. (Sarcasm only light, but present none the less. Boromir and I had a different situation compared to him after all.) At least one of us had light moods about all that was happening.

I was pulled into deep thought as I looked at the lithe Elf as he disappeared from our sight. How unfitting it was for me to even think about him in a different light than that of a friend and a comrade. But if there was a known way to stop the heart from longing for someone, then I could resort to that. And free him of my hold, and myself from the yearning of my weak human heart.

Would I? If I could?

Probably... not.

I was afraid the feeling I had for him had resided long enough in me that without it I'd feel empty, incomplete, and lost. If he felt the same, I'd like to believe it mattered not. For my heart beats on its own, and the emotions in it would never be changed by anything or anyone, except for time. But it did matter. The mere thought of him feeling the same brought a joy in me, but sorrow as well.

As much as I'd like to hold him, I could not. I was not worthy of such grace, of such comfort. And I could not do as such without thinking of how selfish I was in doing so. I'd crossed the lines nights before, and it only brought out a guilt that I carried now. A guilt I was welcoming, with open arms yet with head bowed.

Ah, Arwen, how could I bring myself to face you? I was drowned in my own confusion. I couldn't bring myself up to the surface and meet your loving eyes. Believe me when I say, I love you, but my heart stood in chaos! It called also for him, and the least I could do was bow my head in helplessness, if not in shame, and embrace the guilt that all this carried.

Maybe I knew not the difference of love and loved. And I didn't know where one ends and the other begins. Could it be possible that I loved you both? Or I had loved you once, and now my heart longed for him? Or was it the other way around? Arwen, my Arwen, I no longer held the right to claim you as mine. Not until my mind cleared from the fog it had been clouded by, and my heart followed a path clear of any cliffs, could I say something with finality. 

Oh, how my heart screamed for him, though I couldn't deny the feeling it also had for her.

"Aragorn, we should be continuing now, if we want to at least leave this cursed place." Boromir said, calling me out of my reverie.

"Hush, Boromir! Speak not of such things, for if it is as you said, then we might encounter more trouble before we could have the chance to leave this path." I said, gently reprimanding him.

"I'd be damned if it lets us pass without any perils encountered. But as I can see, it is against us, and now we must toil hard to get out of this.. place."

"You are right, let no more things delay us. Go on! Let us continue what we started!" I said, as I continued to clear a path again.

Boromir then nodded and turned his back and worked his part.

The snow brought the cold back into my hands again. But leave here, we must. So I ignored it once again.

The darkness was almost too great to bear. It seemed to stretch out endlessly in these dark corridors. The only source of light was the soft glow of Gandalf's staff, which was left open. The light was just enough for me to see where we were staying and each of the others' forms.

I had no wish to re-enter these mines, but fate had proven itself against me, as it had many times before. Hence, I now sat here in the Mines of Moria for the second watch for tonight, relieving Boromir of his earlier.

I didn't even have the slightest idea if the great sun, outside this darkness, was hidden to make way for the moon and the stars. I had no way of knowing. In here, it was only the blackness of the surroundings that could be seen.

The distant sound of the tip-tap and the plick-plock of dripping water echoed through the empty corridors, sounding louder than they usually do outside this confinement. Usually, the silence meant danger and trouble, but this was neither a forest nor woods. In these mines, the silence was a blessing, for there were no trees and animals to make noise, and the only noise must come from us. Other than that, other noise could be dangerous.

I wished to leave here immediately, but I could not. The fact that I couldn't shake the feeling of dread in me didn't help at all. It seemed as if we were bound to pass here for some ill reason.

I gave a glance to my companions, lying some distance from where I sat, each huddled in their blankets, only the soft light of Gandalf's staff aiding me. It'd be almost painful to wake them up in their deep slumber. Frodo's face didn't carry the worries he had and no trace of the burdens that were placed on his shoulders could be seen. So unguarded when asleep. That went the same for the other three hobbits, welcoming very well their rest after a whole day of traveling.

I let out a breath I was holding, and leaned back on the wall, trying to at least achieve a state that had a slight semblance to relaxation and hoped that the tension in my body slips away. That was all the rest I was going to have while I was on watch.

I looked over to where Legolas was lying down, and I felt myself frown. From this dim light, I could make little out of his face. But a little was all I need. His face carried not the unguarded look that one usually had when sleeping. Rather, he seemed troubled, and uneasy.

These mines and such confinement would do him no good, and bring him no peace. I feared that as long as we were in here, the Elf would not have a peaceful sleep. Dear one.. if only I could wipe the anxiousness off his face, I would. If only I could fly him off from this place, I'd be happy to do so. If only I could prove myself worthy of even his slightest affection, then I'd gladly wrap him in my embrace and never let him go.

But what was I, but a mere human. I could do no more than live my life as it played before me.

"There are only a few times I saw you unwary, Aragorn." I was startled by the voice, and turned my head and saw Gandalf standing before me. Was I that deep in my thoughts I hadn't even felt him move? Or had I fallen asleep?

"And this is one of them." He sat down beside me, smiling. What could I answer to that? True, I rarely dropped my guard, even when sleeping.

"I'm just human, Gandalf. My mind must've drifted away." I just said, returning his smile softly.

"May I ask where?" He immediately asked, surprising me.

"Excuse me?" I said. Did I hear him right?

He let out a soft low chuckle. "My Aragorn, you seem to be a bit on the edge lately." I was?! Had I failed in a fight? Had I gotten anybody in trouble? I rethought of the past days, looking at where I could be possibly seen as what Gandalf had said. Probably reading my face, he amended, "No, no. It is not what you think."

I waited for him to elaborate more, but he didn't and just remained silent for a few moments. I didn't push the subject further, for I was more concerned in what he was doing awake, instead of resting and having his sleep. I was about to ask when he spoke again.

"I asked you where your mind drifted to, aren't you going to give me an answer?" He asked, an eyebrow arched in question.

My initial reaction was to give Legolas a quick glance discretely, before turning to him again. "Nothing in particular, my friend," I answered. "Why are you not having your rest? We have a long way tomorrow, and I'm sure you'd want to be rested before then."

He smiled, waving his hand. "Ah.. I wouldn't be able to catch a wink anytime again, so I might as well keep you company." He said.

I nodded, understanding and thanking him. We fell into silence soon after. So silent, my eyes were again turned to the Elf's sleeping form in the far side of the room. If only I could clear the haze out of my mind and think more clearly...

"There are things that the eye can't see but the ear can hear, Aragorn, just as there are things that the mind couldn't comprehend, but the heart can decipher."

I turned to him, a look of question in my face. Had he seen where my eyes lay? The tone of his voice suggested something a whole lot different, yet still similar from what he said. My mind had been thinking more often lately, and I just had to ask him about it instead of dwelling for forever in its meaning. "In riddles you speak, Gandalf, and usually it brings me to think. But you seem so sure in what you say, and I can tell you know more than what you show. Is there something I do not know, but I should? Tell me, what is it that you mean?"

"You know what I speak of, son of Arathorn. A choice you have to make, but a truth you have to learn and reveal first." He said, meeting my eyes. His own seemed to go through into my being, reading me like an open book. I just had to look away, afraid he might see something I was not willing to reveal. I shouldn't underestimate the Wise. They knew a lot beyond what they show, and Gandalf looked as if he had an idea of my current situation.

"On the surface everything is calm, yet underneath, the turbulence is great. Am I not right?"

I sighed. He knew me too well. "Days have passed, and things remained unchanged." I said, and hesitated. "Things were as they were."

"You couldn't expect him to change overnight."

Now I really couldn't look up to him. He'd finally said it straight. I needed not ask who he was referring to. I sighed. I couldn't answer him right away. I glanced over to where the others were, and they were far enough to not hear our conversation if they were awake.

Gathering the will to speak, I did. There was no need to speak in verses and riddles anymore. "He had.. He'd pointed out that I am for.. I belong to.. Undómiel." I said, my head bowed. "But.. but somehow, it doesn't feel completely right." How could it be, when I longed for him as well?

"What he holds for you is not something I can answer." Gandalf said. If only he could answer that. I didn't know how the knowledge of Legolas' feelings would change anything, but I still would wish to know them, for it was not something I was sure of. Legolas was so guarded sometimes, while maintaining the image of being so open. Maybe he was indeed open in some ways, but there were things that he would only reveal if he wished to.

"And what you hold for him as well," He continued, making me stop to think. My feelings ran deep, that, I'd learned and realized just these past days. But were they deep enough?

I gave Gandalf a side-glance, seeing his face with a thoughtful look, looking at nothing in particular. "He had willingly let you go, when he is yet to have you," He said, almost to himself. He then turned to me. "But 'tis not what you want."

Trust the Gandalf the Grey to choose his words so simply, yet so full of meaning it pierces the heart with its clarity. "At this point, I have no clear concept of what I want. He's acting as if he knows nothing of what I'm going through, although I know he knows. Maybe not entirely, but he knows." I said, nearly saying that Legolas had been acting as if nothing had happened nights prior, about a week ago, but Gandalf didn't need to hear that from me, even if there was any way that he knew it already.

The Elf hadn't spoken to me about what happened. And it was true what he said, he wasn't avoiding me, maybe not entirely, and not consciously. Yet, there was still this big distance between us that I wanted to diminish. Once or twice, I'd attempted to have a word with him, but all times, he managed to keep the subject at bay.

It was true. I didn't really know what I wanted now. I'd want him to talk to me, speak to me, and just stay in my company. I'd want to feel his lips on mine again, and savor the sweetness and care it seemed to hold. I'd want to see his smile again, the bright smile that lit his face, directed at me. But I also wanted to see the Lady Arwen, smile at her, meet her eyes and be able to clear my doubts away. So many things I wanted, yet I couldn't have.

"He's someone of nobility, Aragorn. He knows where he stands. Though it is you who doesn't know where to set your feet around him." The wizard answered.

I gathered enough courage to look at him. I found sincerity in his eyes and the friend I had for so many years was there.

"Knowing him, he'd stay away as much as possible from you to leave you to your thoughts."

"But I find no comfort in my thoughts! They do not make things clearer as it already is." I cried out, though still maintaining the softness of my voice. My thoughts was leading me nowhere. I was going around in circles, landing with no definite answer.

"Maybe not now, but sooner or later you will. And pray by that time, it is not too late."

I wished what he said was true. I looked away, and leaned forward, occupying myself by looking at my hands. "But what do you mean by too late, Gandalf?"

Without looking at the wizard, I asked, "Tell me, my friend, what truth do you speak about? What must I learn?" My voice more softly now.

There was silence. He didn't answer. After a while, I heard him move and he stood up. He took a few steps to where his blankets lay. I sighed, being hopeless. I had to figure this out all by myself then.

"'Tis a truth that only your heart must and can uncover." I looked up, and he had stopped a few feet from where I sat. "One thing outweighs the other, though knowing which is which is the task that'd eat you from inside out if you allow it."

Another riddle for me to think about. Although the words seemed light, they carried a hundred meanings underneath. When I realized he was not going to say more as he continued to make his way to his bed roll, I called out softly, so as not to awaken the others.

"Pray tell, Gandalf the Grey, how come you have knowledge of these things? Am I that open for everyone to read, or only to your eyes that had seen many?" I almost forgot to ask how he knew. I was not really surprised, but it would ease me to know how exactly it came to his knowing. Was it when Legolas and I had exchanged more words in a night, than the previous days of our travel combined, all because of a silly watch? I could think of nothing more. That was really the first real conversation between us besides the short ones, which carry no meaning at all.

He turned around and smiled comfortingly. "No, my friend. Worry not for your actions conceal yourself almost perfectly." he answered. "He, on the other hand, is as hard to read as you, or harder if he do so wish."

Gandalf, you have no idea how very true your words are.

"But the truth is there for the one who knows where to look." He said. "Your eyes tell me everything, Aragorn. Though you may conceal them to others, so unguarded I always caught them to be. And the incident with him nights-or is that a week?-ago started my noticing."

I was not mistaken then. I nodded, and dismissed the thought. He was about to turn away but stopped and looked back, dropping me another thing to think about before he went to be rested again.

"A thought for you, Dúnadan. Know when you see the Lady in his form and back away. He'd be able to feel if he's seen as another. Though he may constantly warn you of that, even though you think of him as him, and not as someone else."

'Do me a favor and distinguish me from any of my kin.'

Legolas' words came back to me and it was only then that I understood what he meant. But did I see him as her? Was that it? I reached deep into my mind and heart for an answer. Maybe there were times I compared them, unconsciously comparing their Elven characteristics, but that was before I realized that I still held feelings for him. I think, now, I could honestly say that I didn't see her in him. They were different, and yet similar too, in ways I could never explain. A paradox. Still, Legolas in my eyes, would remain as Legolas.

And Arwen, as Arwen.

Another night full of pieces of a puzzle I was determined to piece together. My love for Arwen was true, but my love for Legolas was also present. How could they both reside in my heart without me being able to prevent it?

I closed my eyes momentarily and an image of the fair Elf came to my mind. No matter how I wished to maintain my eyes closed, I had to open them again and face the darkness once more.

I felt myself being lightly shook to awareness. Being the light sleeper that I was in conditions such as this, I opened my eyes and found the least expected person I would see.

"It's time for us to continue our way." Legolas said as he dropped his hand to his side. "Help me rouse the others."

I frowned, thinking. I remember that Samwise and Pippin had the next watch after mine. Why was Legolas the one awake? I quickly looked around and saw everyone else, still with the help of Gandalf's staff, still asleep. He moved to stand up from his kneeling position, but I instinctively laid a hand to his knee, stopping him, all thoughts fled from my head. He turned to me again in question.

How could he deny the feeling I had for him? His face was a complete mask of innocence, a mask of a teammate. Was I only that to him, when he was so much more to me?

I looked at him in the eyes, and again, I couldn't read anything clear in them except for the questioning look he gave to me. But they were, as they always had been, a torrent of emotions, with great depth I couldn't reach. His brows then furrowed in confusion and question, and I uttered words I hadn't planned to utter.  The words seemed just a rush of air from my lips, for they were even softer than a normal whisper.

"Please tell me that the short moment of contentment and comfort I've shared with you was as real as you standing in front of me now."

He blinked his eyes in surprise. He was cornered and he had no way of evading my inquiry. He didn't look away from my gaze as I saw him thinking of what to say or do.

He opened his lips, but closed them again. Words had abandoned him. My eyes urged him to answer and he sighed, giving up.

"It was as real as the sun in the day and the moon in the night. And will continue to be real if you believe it to be so, but will cease if you forget it and deny it." He finally said, and moved to stand up again, determined to leave the conversation at that.

But I stood immediately and took hold of his wrist to make him face me. I felt his breathing quicken, just as mine did as well. "Then it will be real as long as this heart of mine beats and as long as the sun and moon shines their light." I unconsciously slid my hand to his, and slipped my fingers between his own. When I realized that, I didn't do anything to separate my hand from his silken one. I searched his face and eyes under the dim light once again.

He looked down at our joined hands, then up again. His eyes shone with slightly concealed sadness and hesitation, and I could tell he wished to turn around and forget this encounter.

Maybe after a lot of debating in his part, he slowly lifted our hands, disentangled his fingers from mine and laid his open palm against my own, seemingly touching his reflection on a mirror. My palm against his.

"Then let it be so." He said softly, lifting his eyes from our hands against each other, to mine. I held his gaze and it seemed that I could forever stay and loose myself in his eyes like this.

Suddenly, all too soon, the spell was broken as a sleepy yawn was heard. Why did this always have to happen? He brought his hand down and looked at Gimli who was starting to awaken.

He looked back at me and nodded once in a silent dismissal, his face once again remained neutral. That face of a teammate, a comrade, a friend. I was afraid his sense of respect and dignity prevented him from letting his guard down any longer.

Without another word, he walked away and continued to wake the others.

It was then I realized the pounding of my heart, so fast and so loud that I had to stop and breath in deeply for a while.

Truly now, I hated myself. Must I be so fickle?

Gandalf's words echoed in my mind like drum beats in a cave.

A truth to be revealed, before a choice was to be made.

A truth, a choice.. a reality.

Oh great God, why must I be the one, of all creatures walking on Middle-earth, who was torn between two great things, which would be near impossible to let go? I looked up and gave Legolas a glance as he was waking the others, before turning away. I couldn't be selfish enough to hold them both close in my heart.

Yet..

Yet, my heart was weak and the courage to do otherwise has been blown by the winds to a distant place I couldn't reach. Without it, I was helpless.

02.08.02
continued