Title: Things Unspoken
Author: Keithan
Disclaimers: Lord of the Rings and its characters belongs to their respective
owners.
Rating: PG-13
Series: 4/5 (Interlude)
Warnings: This fic contains nothing graphic but involves certain matters,
such as male to male relationships, that some might find offensive. Thus, this
should be read only upon agreeing that one must proceed with an open mind and
could accept the things mentioned above.
Summary: Aragorn slowly learns once again of his feelings, pure and untainted,
for Legolas, who out of respect and love, stays clear off his path sacrificing
his own feelings for both the Man and Arwen.
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"I'll be damned, Prince of Mirkwood! But lord knows that I l.."
Sea-grey eyes met challenging blue ones.
Silence.
Grey turns, then, softly, "I'm sorry I bothered you."
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THINGS UNSPOKEN__________
part 4: hurt through my eyes
My vision, as I stared blindly at the pavilion, was partly obscured by my hair flowing freely with the soft breeze, clearly opposing the feeling I was having now. I felt so restraint and caged. I was like a trapped eagle wanting to be set free into the wild again and feel the wind underneath my wings as I soar high over many, many leagues.
My body shook like a leaf being kissed by the wind and like ice that was once hard, I seemed to melt. It took all of my will not to collapse then and there. And my heart, the one thing that would suggest of me being alive, was pounding loudly in my chest, so loud that it was all that I hear.
No rustle of the trees, nor of the creatures of the night. No singing of the flowing rivers and the wind had suddenly stopped from blowing.
So silent. Caras Galadhon, I heard, had never been silent.
It was as if nature knew of my agony, and with all respect, quieted down to sympathize with me.
I found it hard to breathe, as though my lungs were being crushed by a large boulder I knew not from where. I inhaled deeply, and to my surprise and panic, I couldn't feel any air enter my system any breath I exhaled was shaky. I tried again, and again, my hand gripping my chest, my shoulders heaving, until at last, my body seemed to function once more, and my breathing, although ragged and shallow, had returned.
Did I not tell him to not bring ruin to this peaceful night?
But I was afraid in doing so, I contributed in doing just that.
I looked down at my side, my bow and arrows had lain forgotten for a moment. I closed my eyes briefly, trying, but mostly failing, to compose myself. With trembling fingers, I gathered them and placed the quiver on my back. Glancing at the pavilion where the fellowship was spending the night, I unconsciously gripped my bow. After a few moments, I turned and ran to where my still uneven legs could take me. I could stay there no longer.
The surroundings were but a blaze of some greens and reds, and mostly golds and greys, as I ran through them.
I stopped and went on slowly, one step at a time. My hand on a tree trunk, I realized that I had no reason to run and any reason I might had was now probably back sleeping with the others. My steps faltered and my knees had gone weak, and so unexpectedly, they gave out under me.
What caused me to surrender to such weakness was something I couldn't answer.
I knelt there, having no intention of standing up soon. In the middle of the glorious trees of Lórien, I was leaning on my palms that was gripping hard on the soil underneath them. In my present state, I couldn't even admire and recognize the beauty of the forest around me.
I asked not for this to happen. I avoided it as much as I could. But what trickery did the gods, the lords, or whoever was superior than Men, Elves, Dwarves and all creatures alike, had bestowed upon me!
I had turned from him once more, yet why did I feel I had my heart taken away from me, ripped from its cradle in my chest without minding if its holder should live or not?
I should be glad. Glad that he had no strength, no courage, or, to give more grief to myself, no will to continue to utter such words of confession in front of me. But instead, here I was, filled with grief, because of the hurt he had unconsciously caused me, enough to kill any other. But I pride myself for my strength, and fall I would not.
"I'll be damned, Prince of Mirkwood! But lord knows that I l.."
That you what, oh Aragorn? You what? I wanted to say to him, spat it out in his face, but I did not. I did not let it pass through my lips, but I couldn't say I didn't let it pass through my eyes either, because I did. I looked at him, challenging him to continue if he could. But to the uneasy relief of my mind, yet to the utter dismay and disappointment of my heart, he could not.
I was but an enigma to him. I was no more than a confusion, I supposed. I was no fool to not know he meant to say that he loved me. But did he? Really? Or was he just confusing me with another? If he couldn't utter those words while looking into my eyes, then how could I believe the certainty of his feelings?
He had been long parted with his beloved, and I had to be sure if all this was anything more than a distraction and not a mere illusion before I truly face him without holding anything back. And that would only happen when his mind clears of any cloud that had passed him. But as of the present, he had been dancing around his feelings for me, probably trying to decipher where it lay in his heart.
If only he could look into my eyes and show me the certainty and depth of the feelings he had for me, then I could, for a short moment, forget the boundaries of formality and friendship.
But how could I forget and put aside my honor and my rightful place as only his friend and comrade if he would not give me any reason to do so? If he stutters around his words, stumbles on his confusion, and falls because of his self-blindness, how could I face him with my feelings and emotions laid out for him to see? For all I know, he would someday turn his back on me and face his life as the King of Men...
...with his Lady beside him.
Sixty-nine times, if my memory serves me well, had the red leaves fallen in Mirkwood since he had left after his longest stay there where we first met. Situations now weren't as easy as that time. Carefree, we were, and close friends we had become. Yet he looked at me in a different but comforting way. I could clearly remember those emotions in his eyes as he looked into mine, emotions I was not sure I'd want to name.
Yet as I looked into his eyes now, veiled it was with doubt and confusion, and I just had to turn away. Times that those orbs spoke true and sure were rare, rare but his heart was there for me to see, and those times, I couldn't, for the life of me, turn away. I was captivated and frozen under his gaze. I cherished those chances and held them in my memory for he looked at me with all the care I could ask for and more - a reason why I couldn't simply lay aside the continuous growing feelings I had for him.
Such a deep pit hole I'd fallen into.
But thy lips on mine, Estel of Rivendell, and your insistence had not only reminded my heart of my feelings for thee, but had nurtured them and let them grow!
What now shall I do, but say no for the both of us?
Denial, any could call it. I partly do. But I also was stirring us away from a path that would be harder to leave once on it.
I couldn't let myself go. For my honor holds me back as it rightly should, and with all respect for him and especially for Arwen, I could not and should not let myself go.
I loved Arwen and the thought of myself helping in breaking her heart was not something I was welcoming. A sister to me, she doesn't deserve to be hurt the way she'd be if my betrayal was known to her. Betrayal because my feelings to her betrothed had taken a sudden turn, from being in slumber to full awareness. But let it be said that I suppressed my feelings with her and her beloved, Aragorn, in mind.
And by Elbereth, I loved Aragorn, more than my own life. My love for him had grown. I couldn't lead him to his fall!
This sacrifice was one gift I could give to him, for his happiness, even though not now, but in the years to come.
Yet my fear was still present. Fear that I wouldn't be able to hold myself any longer if he'd keep coming. Each hesitant step towards me that he had taken had driven me one step back.
And what would I do shall I ever find myself backed up against a wall?
I honestly did not know.
I closed my eyes tightly, wishing all this was no more than a dream. The soil in my hands had been the most unlucky thing at that moment in all Middle-earth for I gripped it with all strength I had.
Silence. The trees remained quiet as an Elf suffered in their midst. I was and I am a child of the woods, and now I find myself in its very cradle, battling an inner conflict.
O Valar, I couldn't stay like this for long!
I shook my head to clear my mind of the troubles that had dwelled in there.
I was Legolas, I was Thranduil's son! I shouldn't let this bother me any more than it should.
I urged myself to wake up from the nightmare I was experiencing. I couldn't be selfish enough to drown in my own despair and not think about others. I had a quest to finish with them.
Taking in deep breaths, I composed myself. And after a while that seemed to have lasted forever, I slowly stood up, brushing the soil from my hands and knees. I bent down and retrieved my bow, which had fallen beside my feet.
I looked around, and indeed, the forest was glorious.
Once again, as if realizing my moment of complete instability, weakness and agony had been laid to rest for the moment, the trees sang its melody, the trickling of water somewhere was heard, rustles of leaves and of nocturnal creatures came to my ears and the wind caught my hair once more in its invisible hands.
I closed my eyes and just listened.
Avoid thy fall, oh Dúnadan, by maintaining our friendship and nothing more.
Your heart already belongs to Arwen.
Hours before dawn found me beside the flowing river that branched out from Silverlode to a smaller body of water that runs across the city. My bow and arrows was laid beside me and in a smooth rock I sat.
Adept fingers run through my hair as I skillfully braid them back to place.
My eyes was focused on the flowing waters that was like a clear blanket with shining crystals as faint light from the waning moon that was now low in the west touches it.
At least another hour before the first crack of dawn would be seen.
A slight change in the air and a very light addition to nature's sound and I glanced through the corner of my eyes to my left before concentrating once more on the final braid. Finishing it, and tucking it behind my ear, I said aloud in our Elvish language, 'How long do you plan to stay hidden, oh brother?'
Silence. I didn't mean to startle him, if I ever did, which I highly doubted. It was supposed to be the other way around.
Then more loudly this time (by loud I mean as loud, or as soft as the rustles of leaves in the forest), footsteps were heard from behind me towards my left. 'Very keen are your senses, young Prince, I'm sure you've been told.'
'Nay, Haldir,' I said, not turning to face him. 'It just so happens that I had all my mind focused around me to avoid dwelling on things I refuse to dwell about.' I said, arranging my hair so it falls on my back and not on my shoulders. I picked up my quiver and inspected the arrows in it, more to occupy myself than to really check on them.
'Is that so? And what things, if I may ask?' He had bridged the gap between me and himself and he sat on the ground beside my rock.
My braids were up, my guards were down, the archer had returned and shrugging my shoulders I nonchalantly said, 'Nothing much,' I wasn't called an open mystery by many for no reason. I had ways of concealing myself. 'Things like what you are doing here when I thought you had been sent back to the borders and such.' I answered, smiling at him.
He laughed, albeit he held most of it back. For the sake of formality? I do not know. It was a soft musical sound. 'You turn the tables on me almost too quickly. I didn't know a northern prince could be so sneaky.'
'It wasn't I who was hiding in the shadows just now, Haldir.' I pointed in a matter-of-factly tone.
He shook his head, amused. 'Yes, yes, you have your point.' said he. I could feel that he was trying to lift my spirits and was not bringing up anything about our quest. I was grateful for that. 'I'm set to be off to Nimrodel today..'
He was about to say something more when he looked back and I tensed, both of us feeling someone approach.
My initial reaction was to stand up, get an arrow and bend my bow. Halfway through the process, I felt utterly and completely like a fool. These lands were safe and no danger would be near.
'As I said, keen are your senses, and fast are your reflexes!' Haldir's soft chuckle reached my ears and I glared at him, or at least tried to, embarrassed as I was.
I raised my eyes and embarrassment slipped from me, as well as the arrow from my hand, as I stared into the depth of the eyes of Aragorn.
'Estel..' I suddenly whispered.
Surprised claimed him in meeting me here, and I very much felt the same way. All my senses seemed to shrink from being extended to the forests around us to the sole being standing in front of me. The surroundings were just a mere swirl of colors in my vision as I looked at him standing a few paces away from me. I was unable to do anything, my breath was like a big lump in my throat, for lack of a better comparison.
If I had not been too occupied, I could have seen Haldir notice my behavior and spared me a look before turning and greeting Aragorn.
"Ah, Aragorn. Come! Sit, and join us." Haldir's voice, now speaking in Common Speech, was but a distant echo in my ears.
"I.." Aragorn started, not breaking from my gaze. I could have sworn he would start stammering and stuttering, very unbecoming of him, but not unlikely after our exchange hours earlier. I saw that he'd been troubled as I had been and would be again if any more pain was to come out of this conversation. "Uh, nay, but my thanks." He said. "I was just walking around. I'm sorry I bothered you two.."
My blood froze, my body stiffened.
And he, he who did not seem to be thinking better than I, immediately clasped his mouth shut as soon as those words left his lips, the familiarity of them probably sinking in. All the hours of peace I spent here to rid my mind of the earlier incident had gone down with the flowing waters, wasted.
A quiet cough and I blinked my eyes, reminded of Haldir's presence sitting down beside my feet. "Good dawn, my friend. And no, you weren't of any bother." I said, surprised at the calmness of my own voice. A weak smile was on my face. Somehow, the greeting tasted very much bitter to my tongue. It was good that etiquette required no more than that as necessary for a greeting. But it was not good for etiquette requires an answer back.
"Good dawn to you too, Legolas," Then he looked away for he turned to the other Elf. "Haldir." He said, nodding.
"Would you not join us, Son of Arathorn?" Haldir asked, and I silently prayed he'd decline. I didn't dare to raise my eyes to him again, and focused them instead on Haldir, as if listening.
"I'm afraid I can't. I was just up for an early morning walk. This land brings peace to me, fair as it is." He said.
"That, it is." Haldir answered. "But all that is fair must very well be taken care of."
"Aye, Haldir. You are correct. I learned that the hard way." He said. I felt the familiar feeling of being stared at, and I looked up, seeing he had his eyes (that was once the eyes of a humble king, now seemed to be the eyes of a humble servant) on me, pleading, regret in them.
I frowned slightly, whether of curiosity or lack of understanding of him by me, I knew not for sure.
"I'm supposed to be going back now, for anyone would be waking up any time soon." He said, turning to the Elf of Lórien.
"I would be just seeing you around then, Aragorn." Haldir said, nodding to him.
Aragorn did the same. He looked my way, a short glance, a brief nod and he was off.
Is that how we were supposed to work now? I had caused him pain, and he did likewise. And now we wouldn't be saying anything more in order not to inflict more damage?
'Sit down and calm your racing heart, Legolas, before your body decides that standing up is such a big effort and let itself down without your consent.' Haldir said, after a while, making me realize I still hadn't moved. Logical, practical, and straight to the point.
I looked at him and faked a smile. 'Very funny, Haldir.' I said lightly, sitting down on the smooth rock once more, and noticed the fallen arrow on the ground. I reached for it, but Haldir got it first.
'Your eyes tell me of your current predicament with him, Legolas. And his tells me he is in a very much the same situation.' He said, using Elvish again now that Aragorn had left.
I shook my head, smiling at him. 'It is nothing, Haldir. It is not something of importance.'
'It is if it affects you and him as integral parts of the Company.' He examined the arrow as he turned it around in front of his eyes. 'Hazy are the things between you two. I could see.' He said. 'I'm not blind.'
The wind blew over us and the leaves that manages to fall from the trees swirled in different patterns as it descended to the ground. I got an arrow and placed it in my bow, bending the string. My eyes focused on a distinct target among the falling leaves.
'I wish I could say the same for him, Haldir.' I said. There was a sharp twang as I loosed my arrow over the river and it hit a tree trunk in the other side and two small leaves, a slightly red one and a gold, were trapped in it.
'And how I wish I could say the same for myself as well.'
Times I had spent with the company had become lesser and lesser as each day pass. Whether Aragorn had aught to do with it, I was not sure. I didn't want to think about it.
I couldn't help it. My heart leaps with joy to be here in Lothlórien at last and there was so much to see! I was afraid I'd run out of time if I didn't spend it fully.
Aside from the grief that had resided in my heart for the loss of a valued companion and the sadness for the longing in my heart, I was overly pleased for such privilege to stay in these lands. If only this stay was under different circumstances, then I couldn't ask for more.
Aragorn and I had not had any more untoward encounter after our first night in Lórien. And it was as I had thought, a brief nod, a short glance, a soft smile, then our heads would instinctively turn away. That, or we just hadn't had the chance for I spend more time frolicking with the Elves.
Rays of light that managed to pass through the thick roof of leaves made patches of white on the forest floor. As I looked ahead, 'twas as if I was looking at a work of art came to reality and I stare in awe once more at these forests I now walk in.
"Slow down, you Elf! I have not your skill on moving about the forests." The rough voice from behind me stopped me from moving any further. I looked back and laughed.
"Why, Master Dwarf! Is that a compliment I'm hearing from you to an Elf such as myself?" I said laughing, pretending to be surprised. He grumbled and muttered under his breath as he stumbled in an uprooted tree root, continuing to climb the slope we were taking.
"Oh, for all that is fair, Legolas, spare me!" He said and at last, he reached me.
I was about to say another bicker when a chill came down my spine as a soft breeze blew, and somehow, for me, it seemed like a whisper, a call. The melody of the forests seemed to turn into just an echo, hollow sounds softly vibrating in my ears.
I looked back at Gimli to see if he felt it and he was looking at me in an odd manner.
"What is wrong now, Elf?" He said, annoyed, or at least pretending to be so.
I frowned and did not answer. I looked around to see what was wrong to cause me to suddenly feel unease.
'Clouded is the path from him to thee. Yet clearer it will become when the sun rises once more, chasing away the blackness of the night.'
Startled as I was, one name came into my mind. Galadriel, the fair Lady of this forest. I immediately turned around, half expecting to see her there. But there, she was not.
What did she speak of? Though my mind questioned that, I had long known the answer. She saw things that was yet to be seen and perceived things that was yet to be revealed.
I was anxious, afraid. I feared what would come out of her lips or her mind that was directed at me. Would she tell me to forget the love in my heart for the mortal? Would she show me the sadness of myself, Aragorn, and even Arwen? What else would she reveal? What more was she willing to unravel and uncover?
'Thy judgement is wise, yet time will come when things would be taken from your own hands. And what will come will come.'
Clear and musical her voice was, so ethereal and surreal. But somehow, it neither brought comfort nor happiness to my soul. I looked around for any signs of her being anywhere near. But I found none.
The trees suddenly seemed to loom over me, hiding me in their long, foreboding shadows. Somehow, I felt I was turned into a stranger to the forest, or this forest at least. And my feet longed to move to go anywhere but hither.
'Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of the Elven Kingdom in Northern Mirkwood and Son of the King Thranduil, pure is your heart yet tired it is of being held back.'
Her voice rose and I continued to look around, frantically looking for the body that would go with the voice. Even though I knew not how that would comfort me.
'That, which is strong, would not be held captive for long.'
Now but a feeble whisper, her words were carried by the winds in its wings to a faraway place I knew not where. Slowly, the spell had passed and the trees seemed to smile on me once more.
"Oi, Master Elf! What has happened to you? So ashen your face has become!" Gimli's voice suddenly became a bellowing sound to my ears and my head immediately snapped back to him.
Concern.
Shaded, partly concealed, but it was there and I smiled. A friend, Gimli, that was what you were becoming.
"'Twas nothing, Gimli, son of Glóin." I said instead, shaking my head. The soft, melodic voice of the Lady Galadriel, I was sure, would long remain in my mind. "Let us go on ahead for there are so much things I'd want you to see." I said and turned my back and started to walk once more.
'Thy judgement is wise, yet time will come when things would be taken from your own hands. And what will come will come.
Though I might not understand or know what would come, I'd like to believe I was prepared.
I skillfully maneuvered my way, avoiding young plants and tree roots. My steps were light and soundless. Hearing grumbles and mutters, I would guess Gimli didn't had the same skill. I smiled to myself and shook my head.
Whether or not I'd ever find myself out of the deep pit hole I'd fallen into, I would never regret any of the feelings I had.
I stopped and soon after, Gimli came up behind me. I could only hear his soft exclamation of admiration as he stared at the city of Caras Galadhon, its glory unveiled before our eyes. We were standing in a place that overlooked a part of the city. I found this the day before.
I, too, looked on. Deep admiration and gladness in my heart. I smiled, despite myself.
If all this agony, sorrow, and grief was what comes in loving Aragorn, son of Arathorn, then I gladly would welcome every downfall, every hurt, every sadness and every pain that would come upon this immortal life of mine, for eternity it would take ere my love would fade away.
03.27.02
continued
