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…Aragorn.

"Aragorn," Sam drawled slowly, enjoying the way each syllable rolled off his tongue.

"Yes?" Aragorn asked distractedly, sighing in relief as Gimli finally loosened his hold on Boromir, after Legolas had yelled at him about how Boromir was going to die if he didn't get any oxygen in the next second.

"Or would you like me to call you Master Aragorn?" Sam asked seductively, an impish gleam in his eyes.

"What?" Aragorn asked in disbelief, his eyes whirling around to face Sam.

"Sam!" Frodo said reproachfully as the fellowship stared at Sam in surprise.

"Sam swings that way too?" Pippin asked Merry in a loud whisper.

"Why isn't Sam coming onto me?" Legolas asked in a perplexed tone, wondering if his mesmerizing looks had vanished during the night.

"Do you like games, Master Aragorn?" Sam asked Aragorn teasingly, running a hand down Aragorn's leg.

Gulping in fear, Aragorn moved away from Sam, trying to use Legolas as a shield.

"Would you like me to call you Master while you tie me up and spank me?" Sam's tongue flicked out and wetted his lips as he continued to slowly advance towards Aragorn who was attempting to hide behind Legolas.

At that moment, Mary-sue gritted her flawlessly straight, dazzlingly white teeth and let off another of her arrows towards the elf.

This particular arrow was adored with shiny, glittering stars and blinded everyone as it flew through the air.

Unable to see the arrow, Aragorn continued to circle his way around Legolas and stepped straight into the path of the arrow.

Letting out a very un-kingly squeal, Aragorn cursed colorfully as he ripped the arrow from his pants.

Unable to believe the sight before her eyes, Mary-sue cursed even more creatively, pouting very becomingly as she reached into her gown for another of her seemingly endless supply of arrows.

Throwing the arrow in disgust to the ground, Aragorn's eyes fell on…