Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me, except Crauwel and Madam Epdac.

A/N: I guess I'm getting into the angst part of the book. I don't much like this chapter either.

THE QUEEN OF MY HEART

Chapter Twenty: One Forlorn Day

The passed week was probably one of the worst of Remus' life. There was much yelling and crying. It reminded Remus of the night his father left. Remus was merely ten-years-old, only a year after he was bitten. He awoke one dawn, just after a transformation. He ached severely and could not remember a thing from the night before. He could hear yelling from his parents' room. Remus walked over to his bedroom door and listened.

"I can't deal with this anymore, Rochelle!" his father yelled.

"Arius, he's just a child," Remus' mother defended.

"He's a monster. What normal child rips up furniture and attacks his own family?"

Remus sat against the door and looked at the blood on his quivering hands. What had he done this time? Did he hurt Mother, dear sweet Mother who was probably only trying to help? Was it father he had attacked? Was that why he was yelling?

"He's your son, Arius!" Rochelle, Remus' mother, cried. "No matter what he has done, he's still your son."

"I wish I wasn't," Arius muttered. "I wish we had never had a son. Can't you imagine how happy we could have been if Remus never came along?"

"Arius Lupin!" Rochelle shouted. "I love Remus with all my heart and could not imagine my life without him."

"Then live your life without me!" Arius exclaimed.

"No!" Rochelle cried. "You can't leave us!"

"Darling Rochelle," Arius began, "I don't want to leave you, but I can no longer live in a house with a werewolf."

"What am I supposed to tell Remus?" Rochelle asked quietly.

"I don't care what you tell him," Arius said. "I want nothing more to do with him."

Rochelle and Arius began to speak more quietly and Remus could not hear it. It might have been better that way. With all that was said so far, Remus was near tears. He had always idolized his father as a great Auror. Remus brought up memory after memory of him and Arius playing together. It was hard to believe that his father did not love him.

Remus crawled back in bed and silently sobbed.

The next morning, there was no sign of his father. Rochelle made breakfast slowly and tried to explain why Arius had left. She had no need to make up lies or put things lightly. Remus heard and knew exactly why his father had left.

That argument haunted Remus for two years, until he met James Potter. James changed his life. For once, he had real friends who would always stand by him, even when his worst secret was found out. If it weren't for James, Remus would still be all alone. And how did Remus repay James' faithful years of friendship? By betraying his trust. And now he knew life without James, and he did not like it. What could he do, though?

Remus leaned back against the soft couch and closed his eyes. With all his heart, he wished that the last week hadn't happened. No, he wished that Christmas never happened. It went farther than that. Remus wished that he had never found out about Crauwel, then he wouldn't have had to get so close to Lily. He wished he had never met Lily.

"Lupin?"

Remus opened his eyes and sat up. A fourth year girl who he didn't know all that well stood in front of him. She was blushing all the way to the roots of her light brown hair. Quickly, she handed him a card and then ran off toward the dormitories. Remus stared after her, a little confused. He looked down at the card. It was pink with a red heart on the front. He opened it to reveal semi-sloppy writing, saying, "I think you're the greatest. Signed, Kari Morgan."

Remus couldn't help but smile. At least someone didn't hate him.

Across the common room, Sirius and Peter were playing wizard's chess. Remus decided, suddenly, to go and talk to them. They had been unfairly caught in the middle of the whole mess with James. Remus knew it must be hard to be forced to take sides between two best friends.

"Hey guys," Remus greeted, interrupting their chess game.

"Hello, Mooney!" Peter squealed in excitement. "I think I'm winning."

Remus looked at Sirius who was holding back a chuckle.

"Guess what?" Remus said, holding out the valentine card Kari had given him.

"Who'd give you a valentine?" Sirius joked, grabbing the card and looking in it. "Awh! How sweet?"

"Who's it from?" Peter asked, trying to get a peek at it, but Sirius wouldn't let him.

"Little Kari Morgan," Sirius laughed.

"Isn't she a fourth year?" Peter asked.

"Robbing the cradle, aren't we, Mooney?" Sirius handed the card back to Remus.

"First thing to make me smile in a while," Remus muttered glumly.

"Maybe I should get something for Sibyl," Sirius mused.

"A new crystal ball," Remus suggested, teasingly. "Or maybe some more bead necklaces."

"I don't see you having someone to romance on Valentines Day," Sirius scoffed.

Remus glanced down at the chessboard.

"I'm sorry, Mooney," Sirius blurted. "I said it without thinking."

"That's fine," Remus assured him, not convincingly.

"Coming to the hawk wizard tonight?" Peter asked, in an attempt to change the subject.

"I'm not sure if James wants me there," Remus said sadly.

"Oh, James won't be there," Peter continued. "He says why bother risking everything for a traitor?"

Sirius slapped Peter across the back of his head, snapping, "Keep your mouth shut, you stupid git!"

Remus sat down, feeling rather forlorn.

"It's your turn, Peter!" Sirius exclaimed.

Remus rested his chin on the hand of his erected arm.

*************

That night, Remus, Sirius, and Peter went to the hawk wizard and then up to the tower. Sirius took James' place with the potions book, telling Remus and Peter what to do.

"Sprinkle in the minced monkshood," Sirius ordered.

Peter took a small bottle of monkshood from his robes and sprinkled some into the cauldron. The potion began bubbling over and turning an acid yellow.

"Was that supposed to happen?" Peter whined.

Sirius searched through the book, sputtering, "It-it doesn't say."

A gust of wind rushed by them. Remus folded his arms in an attempt to stay warm.

"The fire, the fire!" Peter wailed.

The fire beneath the cauldron had gone out. Sirius dropped the book and rushed over. He and Peter began immediately to cast flame spells on the cauldron. Remus picked up the book to look at the formula. Instead of the animagi potion, the page showed exactly how to disarm a portkey. Remus stared at the page in awe.

"Gonna help us or what, Mooney?" Sirius demanded.

Remus quickly tore that page from the book and stuffed it in his robes. After that, Remus tried spells on the cauldron as well. After about five minutes and the Relashio spell, they finally got it lit. Sirius checked the book to see if the potion might have been damaged by being so long without fire. As far as he could tell, there was nothing wrong. The three continued to work until it got quite late. When they got back to the common room, Remus saw Lily still up.

"Careful," Sirius said, noticing her too.

"What do you mean?" Remus asked.

"You're going to go over there, aren't you?" Sirius assumed.

"Yes," Remus admitted.

"Be careful around her," Sirius insisted. "You don't want things any worse."

"I don't think they can get worse," Remus said, putting his hand on Sirius' shoulder. "Don't worry. Nothing's going to happen."

Sirius nodded and went with Peter up to the dormitories.

Remus walked over to where Lily sat and looked over her shoulder. She had dozens of valentines piled on the table.

"Popular, aren't you?" Remus commented.

Lily jumped.

"Sorry if I scared you," Remus apologized, sitting down next to her.

"They aren't for me," Lily told him, smiling wryly. "These are all for James."

"All of them?" Remus asked, looked at all the cards.

"I want him to know how much I regret all this," Lily muttered, starting to write something in one of the cards.

"Don't mean to criticize, but I think this might just annoy him," Remus said.

Lily threw down her quill, yelling, "If you have another idea, I am open to suggestions!"

"I'm sorry, I have nothing to suggest," Remus admitted.

"Then help," Lily ordered, handing about five cards to Remus.

"What do you want me to write in them?" Remus asked.

"Anything," Lily said. "Write about being sorry. Write about being depressed. Write about how horrible this has been for everyone. Write anything."

Lily grabbed her quill. Remus opened one of the cards and tried to think of what he could say.

"I'm not good a communicating this type of thing," Remus mumbled, biting his lip.

"Try," Lily said simply.

Remus looked at Lily. She leaned over a card, strands of her red hair falling in front of her face. She looked so determined to put her whole soul into her writing. The candle light danced on her soft skin. Lily licked her lips. Remus remembered how wonderful it felt to kiss her. He had to keep his mind on James. He had to resist this horrible urge he had.

"I mean, how do you explain a feeling?" Remus asked, trying to concentrate on writing the card.

"Tell what it's doing to you," Lily explained.

"Something like 'I'm in agony without you'," Remus said quietly. "Every second that you're not in my arms, feels wrong."

"You could write that, but I'm not sure if that's appropriate for James," Lily said.

"It's not meant for James," Remus told her.

Lily looked up from her card. She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Remus leaned toward her and gently grazed her lips with his own. Lily stood up and walked a little ways away.

"Remus," she began, her voice quivering, "isn't that what got us in this mess in the first place?"

"I know. I'm sorry," Remus muttered.

Lily turned back to Remus. Her eyes were filled with tears.

"Maybe we should stop hanging out together," Lily sniffled. "I mean, this isn't working. How can we possibly get James to forgive us if we can't stop?"

"Lily," Remus said, standing up and walking up to her, "I can't be without you. I need you."

Lily lowered her head, closing her eyes.

"I can't do this anymore, Remus!" Lily cried. "I can't go on. I can't stand this. I just can't."

Remus pulled her into a hug. Lily clutched tightly to the back of his robes and cried.