Title - While You Were Sleeping
Author - Henle Girl
Rating - PG
Classification - VRA
Keywords - Mulder/Scully Romance, Scully Angst
Spoilers - Empedocles
Summary - What happened between 'Three Words' and 'Empedocles' to
cause the sudden attitude shift in Mulder? Scully gives him an
earful when he can't seem to comprehend what she went through
when he was gone.
Disclaimer - The characters don't belong to me. I'm just
borrowing them for my own therapeutic purposes. They will be
returned relatively unharmed to Chris Carter, or whoever wants to
borrow them next, when I'm done.
Feedback: PLEASE!!! Henle_Girl@hotmail.com
While You Were Sleeping
The day after your funeral, I went back to work. I walked around
that office for an hour before it really hit me. You weren't
coming back. Never. Not ever. You were dead. I buried you.
And with you, I felt like I had buried my soul. I was nothing
more than a shell. Merely an incubator for the life growing
within. I felt nothing.
The only thing I felt was the intense need to get away. I
couldn't stay in that small room. That tiny basement office
where I first met you and learned all about life and love. It
was now known to me as the room where I realized I was dead. You
weren't there. You would never be there again. I couldn't be
there either. So I left. I walked out, not knowing if I would
ever return.
I passed agent after agent in the hallway, each giving me looks
of pity or words of condolences for my loss. Loss? I didn't
lose you. You were taken from me. And then you were returned to
me. Dead. That's not loss. That goes beyond loss into a
territory I cannot even begin to define. Beyond abyss. Beyond
black hole. Beyond the sinking darkness sucking the breath from
my lungs, the light from my eyes, the will from my very being.
Loss doesn't do that. Loss doesn't leave you feeling like a
walking corpse. That's what I had become.
I must have yelled this out loud because the next thing I knew, a
crowd had surrounded me, their eyes wide with shock and
apprehension. How ironic that the ice queen was having a
meltdown. They all kept their distance, though. Everybody but
one. His familiar arms wrapped around me and lifted me off of my
now useless legs. They weren't the arms I craved, but they were
the arms that had supported me throughout the whole ordeal.
"I'm taking you home, Scully," he whispered in my ear.
No need, Walter. I was on my way anyhow. The words echoed in my
head, but all that came from my mouth were gut wrenching sobs.
The tears followed, drenching my face as well as Skinner's shirt.
He would have to change it, I thought to myself as my tenuous
grip on my sanity finally broke, sending me spiraling into a
world of darkness.
* * * * * * * * * *
For six weeks the darkness owned me. I couldn't do anything but
cry and sleep. But in my sleep, I'd have nightmares of you and
would wake up crying again. Day after day the cycle continued.
Until one day I ended up in the hospital. I'd be released just
to end up there again a week or two later. I had so many scars
on my arms from IV's that they had to move to my hands that last
time. I didn't even feel it. As painful as hand IV's are, it
didn't faze me.
The IV's were necessary, though. For the baby. I was too out of
it to make sure I ate properly. I didn't pay attention to my
health. Or to the baby. I don't think I even thought about the
baby until . . . well one day, the baby made sure I thought of
him. He kicked. For the first time ever, I felt him move. It
was the first thing I had felt in over a month. Despite all I
was going through, he was still strong. Still thriving. No
thanks to me.
From that moment on, I made a vow to my baby. I vowed to do
better for the both of us. You were . . . gone. And I had to
accept that. I had to learn to live without you. I had to learn
to live without the very essence of my life. But we figured it
out, the baby and I. We gave each other strength.
A few days later, I was able to return to work. Back to the
halls we once dwelled. This time, I didn't feel so alone.
Because I had a piece of you with me. I was able to walk into
that building, my head held high and my belly proudly stuck out.
There were stares. There was whispering. I became the hottest
topic around the water cooler.
"Did you see Agent Scully?" they would say. "Looks like old
Spooky knocked her up and took off."
Skinner set up a daily recurring meeting in his office around
lunch time to be sure I ate at least one proper meal a day. That
started more rumors. They would claim that Skinner and I were
having an affair the whole time. And that once he got me
pregnant, you couldn't handle it and disappeared.
There were so many more cruel, vicious rumors. But I just
ignored them. I focused on my work. I focused on my baby.
Pretty soon, despite my ever increasing girth, interest in my
situation died. Word got around that one of the new recruits was
having an affair with the Deputy Director and everyone soon
forgot about me down in my little basement office.
The days passed. And I thanked God for each one I made it
through without you. But there was a part of me still waiting on
that phone call. The phone call that would tell me of your
mysterious arrival at the hospital, suffering from unknown
injuries but otherwise fine. Imagine my surprise when I actually
received that call.
* * * * * * * * * *
It was the middle of the night. I was already in the bed. But I
was up and dressed and at the hospital in record time. Agent
Doggett tried to hold me back. He tried to tell me that there
wasn't any hope. But you were dead. And all of a sudden, you
weren't. If that wasn't cause for hope, then I didn't know what
was. Despite what he said, despite what the doctors were telling
me, I knew you were going to be fine. Under all those tubes and
wires, I finally felt what I had been missing those months you
were gone. I felt your heart beating. Beating in perfect time
with my own. We were together again. And no one was going to
tear us apart ever again.
I sat by your bedside. I held onto you with one hand and the
baby with the other. And I truly believed you'd come back to us.
When you finally opened your eyes and cracked that stupid joke, I
just knew everything would be okay. Little did I know that it
wouldn't be just anything keeping us apart. It would be you.
* * * * * * * * * *
"You were so distant. You gave me lame excuses about not knowing
where you fit in. I tried to understand. I really did. But to
me, your return was nothing short of a miracle. It was the
miracle I prayed for with my every breath. And you just treated
it as if it were just some kind of curse."
Tears that I didn't think I'd ever cry again begin to roll down
my cheeks, dropping softly onto my shirt. I wipe them away and
look back up at him, hoping he can see the ultimatum gleaming in
my eyes.
"I don't know if you'll ever understand what it was like," I tell
him, repeating again my words from earlier. "But maybe what I
told you tonight will give you some kind of idea of what I went
through. Mulder, I found your dead body. I had to put you in
the ground. All the time wishing I could go with you, but
knowing that I couldn't because of . . ."
I look down at my swollen belly and gently stroke it, a small
smile coming to my face when the baby kicks at my hand.
"I'm sorry that life passed you by while you were sleeping. But
we had to learn to live without you," I whisper. "But you're
back now and it's time for *you* to learn to live *with* us. You
have to wake up, Mulder. You're here, but you're still asleep."
I have to fight my instincts to touch him. Instead, I just turn
and waddle away. Out the door. Possibly out of his life
forever. Will things change? I wonder. I leave Mulder's
feeling better that I got my story out, but not sure if it will
make any difference to him. He's so desperate to find out where
he belongs in life now. I just hope he can see that it's with
me. And with our baby.
I get home and change into my comfortable pajamas, not sure if I
want to shower, eat, or sleep. My rumbling stomach decides for
me and I pick up the phone and order a pizza. I hope that cute
pizza boy brings it. He usually takes awhile, so I decide to
shower while I wait. But those plans get put on hold with a
knock at the door.
I open it and to my surprise it's Mulder. And this time, it's
really him. The light is back in his eyes. The smile is back on
his face. And he's teasing me about my apparent fondness for the
pizza guy. I think we're going to be okay now. I had to go
through so much by myself while he was sleeping. But now, that's
all over. I won't have to be alone again. Mulder has decided to
take his life back. He's finally decided to wake up.
The end.
Author - Henle Girl
Rating - PG
Classification - VRA
Keywords - Mulder/Scully Romance, Scully Angst
Spoilers - Empedocles
Summary - What happened between 'Three Words' and 'Empedocles' to
cause the sudden attitude shift in Mulder? Scully gives him an
earful when he can't seem to comprehend what she went through
when he was gone.
Disclaimer - The characters don't belong to me. I'm just
borrowing them for my own therapeutic purposes. They will be
returned relatively unharmed to Chris Carter, or whoever wants to
borrow them next, when I'm done.
Feedback: PLEASE!!! Henle_Girl@hotmail.com
While You Were Sleeping
The day after your funeral, I went back to work. I walked around
that office for an hour before it really hit me. You weren't
coming back. Never. Not ever. You were dead. I buried you.
And with you, I felt like I had buried my soul. I was nothing
more than a shell. Merely an incubator for the life growing
within. I felt nothing.
The only thing I felt was the intense need to get away. I
couldn't stay in that small room. That tiny basement office
where I first met you and learned all about life and love. It
was now known to me as the room where I realized I was dead. You
weren't there. You would never be there again. I couldn't be
there either. So I left. I walked out, not knowing if I would
ever return.
I passed agent after agent in the hallway, each giving me looks
of pity or words of condolences for my loss. Loss? I didn't
lose you. You were taken from me. And then you were returned to
me. Dead. That's not loss. That goes beyond loss into a
territory I cannot even begin to define. Beyond abyss. Beyond
black hole. Beyond the sinking darkness sucking the breath from
my lungs, the light from my eyes, the will from my very being.
Loss doesn't do that. Loss doesn't leave you feeling like a
walking corpse. That's what I had become.
I must have yelled this out loud because the next thing I knew, a
crowd had surrounded me, their eyes wide with shock and
apprehension. How ironic that the ice queen was having a
meltdown. They all kept their distance, though. Everybody but
one. His familiar arms wrapped around me and lifted me off of my
now useless legs. They weren't the arms I craved, but they were
the arms that had supported me throughout the whole ordeal.
"I'm taking you home, Scully," he whispered in my ear.
No need, Walter. I was on my way anyhow. The words echoed in my
head, but all that came from my mouth were gut wrenching sobs.
The tears followed, drenching my face as well as Skinner's shirt.
He would have to change it, I thought to myself as my tenuous
grip on my sanity finally broke, sending me spiraling into a
world of darkness.
* * * * * * * * * *
For six weeks the darkness owned me. I couldn't do anything but
cry and sleep. But in my sleep, I'd have nightmares of you and
would wake up crying again. Day after day the cycle continued.
Until one day I ended up in the hospital. I'd be released just
to end up there again a week or two later. I had so many scars
on my arms from IV's that they had to move to my hands that last
time. I didn't even feel it. As painful as hand IV's are, it
didn't faze me.
The IV's were necessary, though. For the baby. I was too out of
it to make sure I ate properly. I didn't pay attention to my
health. Or to the baby. I don't think I even thought about the
baby until . . . well one day, the baby made sure I thought of
him. He kicked. For the first time ever, I felt him move. It
was the first thing I had felt in over a month. Despite all I
was going through, he was still strong. Still thriving. No
thanks to me.
From that moment on, I made a vow to my baby. I vowed to do
better for the both of us. You were . . . gone. And I had to
accept that. I had to learn to live without you. I had to learn
to live without the very essence of my life. But we figured it
out, the baby and I. We gave each other strength.
A few days later, I was able to return to work. Back to the
halls we once dwelled. This time, I didn't feel so alone.
Because I had a piece of you with me. I was able to walk into
that building, my head held high and my belly proudly stuck out.
There were stares. There was whispering. I became the hottest
topic around the water cooler.
"Did you see Agent Scully?" they would say. "Looks like old
Spooky knocked her up and took off."
Skinner set up a daily recurring meeting in his office around
lunch time to be sure I ate at least one proper meal a day. That
started more rumors. They would claim that Skinner and I were
having an affair the whole time. And that once he got me
pregnant, you couldn't handle it and disappeared.
There were so many more cruel, vicious rumors. But I just
ignored them. I focused on my work. I focused on my baby.
Pretty soon, despite my ever increasing girth, interest in my
situation died. Word got around that one of the new recruits was
having an affair with the Deputy Director and everyone soon
forgot about me down in my little basement office.
The days passed. And I thanked God for each one I made it
through without you. But there was a part of me still waiting on
that phone call. The phone call that would tell me of your
mysterious arrival at the hospital, suffering from unknown
injuries but otherwise fine. Imagine my surprise when I actually
received that call.
* * * * * * * * * *
It was the middle of the night. I was already in the bed. But I
was up and dressed and at the hospital in record time. Agent
Doggett tried to hold me back. He tried to tell me that there
wasn't any hope. But you were dead. And all of a sudden, you
weren't. If that wasn't cause for hope, then I didn't know what
was. Despite what he said, despite what the doctors were telling
me, I knew you were going to be fine. Under all those tubes and
wires, I finally felt what I had been missing those months you
were gone. I felt your heart beating. Beating in perfect time
with my own. We were together again. And no one was going to
tear us apart ever again.
I sat by your bedside. I held onto you with one hand and the
baby with the other. And I truly believed you'd come back to us.
When you finally opened your eyes and cracked that stupid joke, I
just knew everything would be okay. Little did I know that it
wouldn't be just anything keeping us apart. It would be you.
* * * * * * * * * *
"You were so distant. You gave me lame excuses about not knowing
where you fit in. I tried to understand. I really did. But to
me, your return was nothing short of a miracle. It was the
miracle I prayed for with my every breath. And you just treated
it as if it were just some kind of curse."
Tears that I didn't think I'd ever cry again begin to roll down
my cheeks, dropping softly onto my shirt. I wipe them away and
look back up at him, hoping he can see the ultimatum gleaming in
my eyes.
"I don't know if you'll ever understand what it was like," I tell
him, repeating again my words from earlier. "But maybe what I
told you tonight will give you some kind of idea of what I went
through. Mulder, I found your dead body. I had to put you in
the ground. All the time wishing I could go with you, but
knowing that I couldn't because of . . ."
I look down at my swollen belly and gently stroke it, a small
smile coming to my face when the baby kicks at my hand.
"I'm sorry that life passed you by while you were sleeping. But
we had to learn to live without you," I whisper. "But you're
back now and it's time for *you* to learn to live *with* us. You
have to wake up, Mulder. You're here, but you're still asleep."
I have to fight my instincts to touch him. Instead, I just turn
and waddle away. Out the door. Possibly out of his life
forever. Will things change? I wonder. I leave Mulder's
feeling better that I got my story out, but not sure if it will
make any difference to him. He's so desperate to find out where
he belongs in life now. I just hope he can see that it's with
me. And with our baby.
I get home and change into my comfortable pajamas, not sure if I
want to shower, eat, or sleep. My rumbling stomach decides for
me and I pick up the phone and order a pizza. I hope that cute
pizza boy brings it. He usually takes awhile, so I decide to
shower while I wait. But those plans get put on hold with a
knock at the door.
I open it and to my surprise it's Mulder. And this time, it's
really him. The light is back in his eyes. The smile is back on
his face. And he's teasing me about my apparent fondness for the
pizza guy. I think we're going to be okay now. I had to go
through so much by myself while he was sleeping. But now, that's
all over. I won't have to be alone again. Mulder has decided to
take his life back. He's finally decided to wake up.
The end.
