Author's Note: Sorry for the delay, things have been mighty hectic these last few weeks. I'll try to update more regularly from now on. Anyway, to action!
Mission 1: The Bloody Curse of the Friggin' Puppets
The moon can be seen high in the sky (where else would it be?) as Trish begins her tale of doom.
Trish (VO): Twenty years ago the Dark Emperor Mundus rose from his tax free island hideaway in the Bahamas to rebuild his armies and…Dante? Are you listening?
Dante (VO. He also sounds somewhat shell shocked): I had…the hots for someone…who looks like my mother…
Trish (VO): Hey!
Kicking sounds can be heard as 'Eat at Joe's' is beamed onto the moon's surface.
Dante (VO, whimpering): Mummy?
Trish (VO): Oh for…anyway, blah blah blah demon army blah blah trip to the Underworld blah blah blah death for all concerned.
Dante (VO): The Underworld?! I'll take the mission!
Trish (VO): I take it you're not keen on visiting the Underworld then?Dante (VO): Of course not! I'm less welcome there than a Nazi at a bar mitzvah.
Later, the duo arrive at Mallet Island. As Dante chops the door open we can see he has an expression of giddy excitement on his face while Trish looks worn out and annoyed.
Dante: Oh boy, we're finally here! I'm going to go get Guybrush's and Le Chuck's autographs!
Trish: For the 900th and last time, it's MALLET Island, not MELEE Island!
Dante's eyes get all big and watery as his lower lip starts to quiver.
Trish (thinking): Savior of the World my pert arse…(out loud) C'mon, to the castle!
Trish leaps up a tall cliff to the entrance of the castle.
Dante (looking after her): I could do that but I don't wanna.
Dante runs along until he spots a statue with a Yellow Orb in front of it.
Statue: Howdy.
Dante: Uhhh…hi.
Silence.
Statue: Take this Yellow Orb, it shall help you on your journey.
Dante (sudden burst of anger): Why? Are you insinuating that I NEED HELP, YOU GRANITEY SON OF A BITCH?!?!?
Statue: 'Granitey'…?
Cut to one of the castle's turrets, where a Green Marionette and a Blue Marionette are on guard duty. The Blue Marionette is spying on Dante through a pair of binoculars. He turns to his green comrade.
Blue Marionette: Dude, you've gotta see this!
The Green Marionette shambles over to the window and takes the binoculars. We see through her eyes as Dante is now hopping up and down in a mad fit and screaming vile things at the Statue, mostly about its mother and her alleged fondness for swine.
Blue Marionette: He hasn't even entered the castle yet and already his mind has snapped like a dry and brittle twig.
Green Marionette: Wow. That's gotta be a new record.
Cut back to Dante, who finishes his tirade against the Statue as he would a normal conversation, by blasting it to pieces with Ebony and Ivory. He then picked up the miraculous unscathed Yellow Orb and studied its grotesque face.
Dante: Cool, it's one of the Screaming Buddha series of stones!
Delirious with joy, Dante runs along, blissfully unaware of the Blue Orb fragment lying in wait for him in a towery type thing. Ah well.
As Dante enters the castle via a crack in the wall, he is startled by the sudden appearance of a large black screen imprinted with the following words:
Mission 1: The Bloody Curse of the Frickin' PuppetsOpen the door marked thusly.
Picture of a door with a picture of two Marionettes doing something that can only be done by beings with no skeletal structure. Dante's eyes widen to twice their original size.
And please try to do it quickly. The main hall's booked for a bridge tournament at twelve. This Mission Screen will self-destruct in five seconds.
Dante, slow as he is, didn't register this fairly important fact until it was too late. The resulting explosion sent him flying into the statue of Mundus on the far side of the hall. Not only was the statue demolished but the incident also made the term 'breakneck speed' quite literal for Dante. After a few painful moments of healing Dante staggered over to the Red Orb Door. As he got near a mystical red hand emerged from the barrier and ruffled his hair.
Red Orb Door: Ethel? That you?
Dante (apoplectic with fury): NO-ONE, BUT NO-ONE TOUCHES THE HAIR!!!!!
Dante whips out the Force Edge and brings it down on the door. Taken by surprise the barrier shattered as did the unfortunate door. Happily surprised that his actions for once hadn't snuffed out yet more innocent lives Dante continued his journey and eventually came across an inert Bloody Mari holding a Rusty Key. Naturally enticed by anything rusty Dante plucked the key from the puppet's hand and made to leave the room, whispering 'my preciousssssssss' in a reptilian like voice. Hearing a twin clanging noise Dante turned around and found a dagger embedded in the ceiling while another lay on the ground ten feet away. He sees that the culprit is the Bloody Mari, now crouched in a throwers stance.
Bloody Mari: Bugger. Lemme try again, I know I can do this!
Bloody Mari whips out two more daggers and hurls them at Dante. They miss by a clear nine feet, severing instead the wires of the Green Marionette that was lowering itself behind Dante. It crumpled to the ground in a heap.
Green Marionette: I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!!!!
Bloody Mari: Aw geez…this never happens to Kaede…
Dante considered fighting one of the few creatures in existence that was dumber than he was but eventually decided against such an act on the grounds that his precious Rusty Key might get damaged. Sensing that his prey was about to escape Bloody Mari started hurling daggers at a tremendous speed, not a single one coming anywhere near the snappily dressed Devil Hunter. As Dante drops down the hole Bloody Mari doffs his cap dramatically and narrows his eyes.
Bloody Mari: One of these days, Mr. Sparda…one of these days…
Green Marionette: Um…a little help?
And so Dante made his way to the Rusty Key Door slicing and dicing any Marionettes that got in his way. After blowing a man sized hole in the door (unwilling to risk losing his Rusty Key, you see) Dante spied the obscene door he was told to find to his left. Careful to avoid looking at it, Dante tried to find the doorknob. After a few minutes of fruitless blind searching Dante slowly peeked at the door. His mouth dropped as he saw that the knob was placed in a very sensitive place on the male Marionette.
Dante: You've gotta be kidding me…
Deciding to bite the bullet, Dante grabbed the knob and turned it.
Dante: I feel dirty…
When the door refused to open Dante saw the lettering below the x-rated tableau. It read thusly:
The 17 puppets are my masters. Yes, the weakest enemies in the game are my masters. Does that please you? Does it make your own pitiful life that much more fulfilling?!?! I'll bet it does, doesn't it?!?
Cut back to Dante's bemused face.
Just for that, you'll have to defeat my masters in order to make me open up! NYAH NYAH!
Slightly stunned from the message's outburst Dante walked around the broken down airplane in the center of the room, looking for Marionettes to slaughter. So engrossed was he in this task that he didn't notice the round hole in front of an obelisk. Falling straight in, Dante found himself up against a battalion of Marionettes, all armed with shotguns.
Marionettes: YEEEHAW!
In a misguided attempt to look cool, the Marionettes spun the shotguns. Unfortunately for them, their trigger fingers slipped the moment during the spin that their guns was pointed at their heads, resulting in the entire mob blowing their own heads off. Amazed, Dante took the elevator back to the plane room where he found the remaining Marionettes waiting for him, these ones armed with daggers and crescent blades. Taking heed of his earlier confrontations Dante stood stock-still. Minutes later he walked around the chips of wood that once formed a group of Marionettes, having witnessed a display of incompetence that the Keystone Kops couldn't have matched on their worst day. Screams of 'You git!' and 'Aim at him! HIM!' had raged around the room as the Marionettes ended up destroying each other with badly aimed dagger throws and spin slashes. Opening the Porno Door, Dante skipped happily on through, believing that all his enemies would be that easy to destroy.
Truly, the man was an arse.
To be continued…
*****
And now, the Bestiary!
This week: Marionette and Bloody Mari.
Marionette
This is one of the lower class spirits who need to possess an object to exist in the psychical world. In their finite wisdom, these spirits decided that a big hunk of wood dressed up like a Village Fair reject would offer them the best chance of survival. This fact alone should hint at an average Marionette's intelligence.
Despite the wide variety of weapons they can use, they are about as useful in a fight as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. More likely to destroy themselves and any other species allied with them before they can land a single hit on their actual target, many wonder why Mundus allows them to continue existing. Perhaps he's amused by their funny hats…
Bloody Mari
See 'Marionette' above, the one difference being the blood soaked clothes that the Bloody Mari wears, which increases their evil powers by the most miniscule of margins. It is unknown why this is so, though many guess it's because of the Bloody Mari's fury at having his nice clean shirt ruined by stubborn, hard to clean stains. Apparently laundry prices in the underworld are a bitch.
