Chapter 3: Judge of Slightly Annoying Migraines

As Dante enters the hall he is accosted by the following mission screen:

Mission 2: Judge of Slightly Annoying Migraines

Your mission, which you have no choice but to accept, is to open the door to the cathedral.

Dante: And?

And that's it.

Dante: That's it? Since when have mission statements been so simplistic?

Since we found out that you're the only creature in existence whose IQ is  measured using negative numbers. Now get going.

And with that our intrepid devil hunter is booted into the hall, collides with the wall and slides off like a piece of undercooked spaghetti. Picking himself up, Dante entered the first door he saw. He finds himself in a room with a humanoid lion statue holding an hourglass above its head. As Dante approaches it turns its head towards him.

God of Time: HALT, MORTAL!

Dante looks around.

God of Time: I MEANT YOU, DUMBASS.

Dante: Me? But I'm not mortal, I'm half-demon.

God of Time: YOU ARE? I MEAN, OF COURSE YOU ARE! SUCH DETAILS ARE COMMON KNOWLEDGE TO ONE SUCH AS…THE GOD OF TIME!

Thunder booms. Lightning flashes. Lungfish bark.

Dante: God of Time, eh? Man, I bet you can do all sorts of freaky things with time.

God of Time: UM…WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

Dante: Well, being the God of Time must mean that you can do things like speed up time, slow it down or even make it run backwards! Right?

God of Time: WELL…UH, NO.

Dante: No? But…you can at least see in far into the future and the past, yes?

God of Time: UH…

Dante: …Do you even know what time it is now?

God of Time: MIDNIGHT?

Dante: It's ten in the morning.

God of Time:

Dante: What can you do?

God of Time: I CAN PROVIDE YOU WITH SKILLS FOR YOUR WEAPONS AND POWER-UP ITEMS FOR YOURSELF.

Dante: And this has what to do with time?

God of Time: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I ADMIT IT! I ONLY CHOSE THE NAME BECAUSE IT SOUNDED COOL! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!?

Dante (sniffle): No.

Dante leaves the room only to come face to face with fifty Marionettes, led by the vengeful Bloody Mari from Chapter Two.

Bloody Mari: Ahah! We've got you now, Dante!

Dante: And what of it? You guys couldn't hit a particularly large assed cow with a banjo. I need not fear you.

Bloody Mari: Oh really? Fuchsia Marionette! Bring out…THE UNHOLY HAND GRENADE!

A hand from the back of the crowd primes said hand grenade and tosses it. Unfortunately, it only goes as far as the Bloody Mari's shirt pocket.

Marionettes: RUN AWAY!

The Marionettes run for cover as the Bloody Mari frantically tries to get it out of his pocket. Just as he does so it explodes, ripping him into tiny, tiny pieces and his remarkably unscathed head. Dante takes all of this, shrugs and ambles up the corridor as Bloody Mari's head gives him the evil eye.

Bloody Mari: One of these days, Mr. Sparda…one of these days.

Shocking Pink Marionette: Dude, give it up.

Back with Dante, who by now has discovered the Alastor embedded in the female statue. Dante gives the grim tableau a good look.

Dante: Hmmm…I'm not really believing her pain here…

Female Statue: Not really believing my pain, eh? Alastor, sic 'em!

Alastor: Yip yip!

Alastor flies out of the wall and into Dante, knocking him to the ground. After a few seconds Dante opens his eyes.

Dante (high pitched): What the…(looks down to see the Alastor buried in his crotch)…aw man, not again.

Dante contemplates the numerous ways he could extract the Alastor with minimal pain before deciding on what he figured to be the least painful way: lifting himself off the sword.

He was wrong.

After taking a few minutes to recover from the experience, Dante grabbed Alastor, ripped it out of the floor and raised it above his head. Lightning streaked forth from the weapon, causing the skylight above to shatter. Then, with his natural showboating nature rising to the surface, Dante proceeded to swing the blade around in slow motion, using an array of fancy techniques.

Dante (slo-mo): Ooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yyeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

After two hours of showing off Dante finished his routine, ending the slo-mo and sheathing Alastor in the invisible scabbard on his back (well, have you got a better explination as to how he fixes it there?). As he turns around Dante sees that the woman in pain has been replaced by a regal looking skull faced figure sitting on a throne. Five of his arms are clutching his head while the sixth is set in a way that it appears that it should be holding something.

Dante: Let me guess, you must be the Judge of Death.

Figure: Me? Oh no, no, no. The budget wasn't big enough to sign him up for this game. I'm the Judge of Slightly Annoying Migraines.

Dante: You're the what?!?

Judge of Slightly Annoying Migraines: You heard me. Listen, I need you to find something for me.

A picture of a staff appears.

Judge of Slightly Annoying Migraines: This is my Staff of Aspirin. Return it to me and I'll allow you into the Cathedral.

Dante: Right then. Off I go!

Alastor: Yip yip!

And so Dante went off on his mythical quest to find the Staff of Aspirin. After much item collection (whereby Dante found a nifty shotgun) and Marionette bashing, our hero retrieved the Staff and was about to leave the library he found it in when…

Voice: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!

As Dante turned around a trio of specters rose out of the floor and walls, all three equipped with a black cloak and a green lady mask. They are, of course, the Sin Scissors.

Sin Scissor 1: You're not going anywhere!

Sin Scissor 2: At least not without…

All three Sin Scissors pull out massive iron scissors.

Sin Scissor 3: A haircut!

Dante (hands on head): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Terrified at losing even a lock of his precious hair, Dante's Devil Bar filled up immediately, allowing the Devil Hunter to slaughter the deranged spirits before they could get even a snip in. Delighted, Dante left the library and returned the Staff to the Judge. As the door opened, a pack of Phantom Babies skittered into the hall. His destructive instincts peaked, Dante stomped all over them.

Phantom Baby: Armageddon! Armagedd - SQUISH!

Judge: You shouldn't have done that you know.

Dante (as he enters the Cathedral): Oh please, what are they gonna do? Sic their all powerful daddy on me? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Judge: Dope.

Alastor: Yip yip!

To be continued…

*****

Bestiary time!

This week: Sin Scissor and Phantom Baby.

Sin Scissor

Many years ago a group of hairstylists sold their souls to Mundus in exchange for the skills necessary to become the King or Queen of Hairstylists. A year after the deal, all of the hairstylists were killed en masse in a bizarre accident involving curling tongs and seventy cans of hairspray. Their souls in his possession, Mundus fashioned them into Sin Scissors so as to bolster his foot soldiers and keep his men looking stylish and clean cut.

The Sin Scissors are dependant on their masks for survival and will use their massive scissors to deflect blows aimed at them with considerable skill. However, all thoughts of personal safety go out the window once they spot a person with a bad hairstyle. They are extremely vulnerable as they attempt to fix the unruly bouffant, where a close range shot will destroy them easily.

Phantom Baby

The illegitimate children of Phantom, these spiders have the physical strength of a decomposed corpse and are about as attractive. Though to say that he is a deadbeat dad would actually be a complement, Phantom is extremely protective of his many, many kids and will deliver a slow and bloody death to whomever would hurt them. Or at least he would if he wasn't such an incompetent buffoon…