Title: A Slayer Lost (1/11: Free Of This Life)

Author: Angelus

E-mail: angelus1317@hotmail.com (Please put "A Slayer Lost" on the subject line.)

Subject: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Category: BSR

Rating: R.

Summary: Buffy asks Spike to turn her, and so begins a new life for the Slayer and her vampire lover.

Spoilers: A couple of tiny ones. You probably wouldn't even count them as spoilers.

Archive: Anywhere, just please let me know first.

Disclaimer: Yeah, right, sure I own 'em. In my dreams. Buffy, Dawn, Spike, Willow, Giles, Xander, and other characters mentioned are the property of Joss Whedon, WGN, and Mutant Enemy Inc. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's notes: OK, first I want to explain that this is the most whacked-up timeline ever. Buffy and Spike have met Halfrek, but Xander and Anya are still happily engaged. The Halloween episode never happened, Giles is in England, and Tara has kinda disappeared off the face of the earth. I apologize to Tara fans - I forgot to include her when I wrote this, then I didn't have the time nor patience to go back and write her in. The reason Spike can hurt Buffy is because when she came back, not all of her soul came back with her, and his chip doesn't register her as completely human. And last but not least, humans are turned into vampires by the exchange of blood on three consecutive nights. I realize that there is more than one belief in that area, none of which are necessarily wrong, but that's the path I chose to take with this story. And I will apologize now for Buffy being a bit out of character.

ALSO: This was originally an NC-17 fic. I love it so much that I edited it, taking out most all of the sex, so that it's now an R, but I just don't think it flows as well. If you enjoy NC-17, it's posted under the same authorname at AdultFanFiction.Net.

Dedication: To Nikki and Elizabeth. Nikki, neither one of us would have ever guessed that I'd get more obsessed with this show than you, huh? But on a more serious note, I love both of you guys *so* much. I've had a bunch of tough shit to go through in the past few weeks that made me realize just how few people I can actually trust, and I'm so happy to have you two to rely on. Thank you both so much for everything.

~*~

"I want you to turn me," she says one night while they're in bed. The shock of her words makes him pause before their meaning actually sinks in. She was thinking while they were shagging? That wasn't supposed to happen. Oh, hell, maybe he was losing his touch. Wait, what did she just say? He can do nothing but blink.

"Spike, hello? Important topic here," she reminds him. As if he's forgotten.

"Bloody hell," he mutters. Why now? Why can't they just finish shagging first so the blood can flow back to his brain so that he can actually think?

"Is that *all* you have to say?" she asks incredulously.

"You can't be bloody serious." At this, she pushes him off of her and stands, pulling the sheets with her to cover herself.

"Of course I'm serious!" she exclaims. "You think this is something I just joke about with master vampires on a daily basis?"

"Well, you're the one whose brain decided to take a walk while we were shagging!" he tosses back at her. "How do you think that makes me feel?"

Her head hangs. "It doesn't matter," she says softly. "This isn't about you."

"Bollocks," he replies. "Like hell it isn't about me. You love me, Slayer, and you know it - 'else you wouldn't keep coming back here, begging for more." She stands motionless, looking like nothing but an ancient Greek marble statue., the white sheets draped over her like a toga. She makes no comment as he rises from the bed to pull on a pair of jeans, and she lets him approach, lets him take her chin in his hand and tilt it upwards, forcing her to meet his eyes.

"What is it, Buffy?" he asks, genuine concern shining through his eyes to match the tears shining through hers. He sits her down on the bed and holds her as she cries.

"I'm sick of it," she tells him. "Sick of this life. I'm sick of not knowing what's right and what's wrong. I'm sick of having to hide, I'm sick of feeling guilty every time I come here to see you, and I'm sick of having everyone coddle me like I'm made of glass. It's not going to stop, Spike. Like it or not, you'll always be a vampire, and I'll always be the Slayer, and Xander and Anya and Willow and Giles will always treat me like I just crawled out of that coffin yesterday. But there's a way out - I die, and another Slayer is called. Someone else can wear the weight of the world on their shoulders, and I'm free."

"Slayer, you don't know what it's like..."

"I've been fighting since I was fifteen, Spike. Don't think I don't know what the whole vamp package entails."

"I don't doubt that you do," he assures her. "But have you ever lived it yourself? Have you ever hunted after one of your own kind? Have you ever been trapped in some godforsaken place for hours on end simply because the sun was out? Have you ever..." His voice broke. "Have you ever watched someone you loved grow old and die while you could do nothing but sit by and watch? Buffy, I would give my left arm - and my right, and my legs for that matter - to have what you have. And you're willing to give that up?"

She reaches forward to chain her arms around his neck, letting the sheet fall to the ground, pressing her bare chest to his and melding their mouths together.

"Yes," she answers simply after releasing him. "If it would mean being able to be with you forever."

He is reluctant still. "Slayer, I don't think..." he begins to protest, but she silences him again with a kiss, pushing him backwards so that he is sprawled on his back on the bed, and she straddles him, leaning forward to whisper in his ear as she lays on top of him.

"Just think how wonderful it would be," she murmurs. "You and me. Together. Feeding together at night, spending the day holed up in some seedy motel room, making love until the sun goes down. We'd make a great team, William. We could find a way to get that chip of yours out, go massacre a few towns, wreak havoc...isn't that what you want?"

"Hell, we could even give good old Peaches a ring," he jokes. "Shag him into soul-losing and bring him along for the ride." When he looks down at her, however, her eyes are shining, and she can think of nothing but the three of them together. She doesn't look like his Slayer anymore. He doesn't know what she's become, but it's a far cry from the soft, fragile, kick-ass beauty he fell in love with. Still, he can't help but cater to her every whim, and he gently takes her hand in his, bringing it up to his lips to rain soft kisses across her knuckles. Perhaps this will change things; make things better for them.

"As you wish, Princess," he promises. The eyes light up again, and the kiss he receives is enough to make up for all of his fears and doubts.