We're going down in flames! Just kidding.

I'm really happy with all the positive feedback I've gotten on this fic, but there's always room for more! (said the greedy author.) Haha, I don't think I need any real notes here, other than thank you for reading, please continue, blah blah....

-Rei Helen

Chapter Three: Some Things Hurt Too Much to Say

"Hey, is it all right if my mother comes along to Esthar?" Irvine asked. Squall shrugged.

"Fine with me," he said. "Why do you ask?"

"I want her to meet Ellone," Irvine replied. "Is that all right with the rest of you?"

"She's welcome to come to Esthar," said Laguna.

"Well, I figured you'd be okay with it," Irvine said to no one in particular. So, what's up?"

There was a moment of uneasy silence, finally broken by Zell's exclamation, "That woman is your mother?!"

"What did you say to her?" wondered Selphie.

"What happened? Did you know your mother was alive?" wondered Quistis.

"Don't tell me...since I've left, all you've been talking about..."

"She must've been so young when you were born," Zell said.

"So, do you have a dad, too?" wondered Selphie.

"Hold on, hold on, all right?" Irvine shouted. "Now you guys are all going to start talking about my mom behind her back?"

"Sorry," Selphie said softly. "We were just curious."

"Weren't we supposed to be talking about other things?" Irvine asked. "Like...trip to Esthar...SeeD business...ring a bell?"

*

Esarene leaned against the wall in the hallway, waiting for the meeting in the classroom to break up. She heard footsteps.

"Hi," said Rinoa. Esarene looked up.

"Hello," she said.

"We didn't really get a chance to talk, earlier," she said, reaching out a hand to shake Esarene's. "My name is Rinoa. It's nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you," Esarene replied. "I'm Esarene."

"Who knows how long they're going to be in there," Rinoa sighed, motioning towards the closed door. "Are you hungry? We can go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat."

"That sounds good," Esarene replied. "I've heard the hot dogs are good. Too bad I don't like hot dogs."

"You don't? Well, there's other stuff. Let's go." They took the elevator down to the first floor. "You do look like Irvine," Rinoa commented.

"You think so?"

"Yeah. I can tell you're related. He got his good looks from you, I see."

"Thanks," Esarene replied. "He looks more like his uncle than me, even. It's creepy--they both have the same name."

"Really?" Rinoa said. "Is Irvine an only child, then?"

"Yes," Esarene replied. "Well, he's my only child, anyway."

"What do you mean?"

"His father might've had more children," Esarene sighed. "I wouldn't know. Not that it makes any difference."

"I never realized that any of them might have living relatives," Rinoa said. "I mean, there had to be someone left who was related to them, but you actually found him."

"Well, his name was all over the newspapers," Esarene said. "And his pictures. I knew that I had to come."

"Wow," Rinoa breathed. "I wonder if any of the others have family that's out there looking for them. I never realized how lucky I was to know my family--even if my mom passed away, and my father's a jerk, at least I knew them. I wonder if some day, a woman's going to walk up to Squall and say, hello, I've been looking for you for a long time--I'm your mother."

"I don't know," Esarene said. She ordered a sandwich and a glass of water, Rinoa a couple pieces of pizza. "How much do I owe?" Esarene asked.

"You together?" the lunchlady asked, and Rinoa nodded. "Nothing. You're a guest."

"Thank you," Esarene said in a bit of surprise. It's a good thing. After the trip from Galbadia, I don't have much left...

They sat down at a table. "What do you do for a living?" Rinoa asked.

"Oh, I guess I've done some of everything," Esarene sighed. "I've been a waitress, a cook, a clerk, a bank teller, a secretary...nothing major." Nothing that I really wanted to do. But it kept me alive, and that's all that's important.

"I see," said Rinoa. "So where are you from?"

"Born and raised in Deling," Esarene replied. "Irvine was born there. After I got out of the army, though, I moved to Dollet."

"I was born in Deling, too," Rinoa said. "We were probably there at the same time and didn't even know it. Life's weird like that."

"Well, if you put it that way," Esarene said. She started on the second half of her sandwich while Rinoa polished off her second piece of pizza. At this time yesterday, I was in Galbadia. At this time tomorrow, I'll be in Esthar.

"Why didn't you..." Rinoa drifted off. Esarene knew what she was going to ask.

"I'd been told he was dead," Esarene replied. She sighed. "It's rather a long story."

*

"You didn't bring much with you," Irvine noted. Esarene had only a backpack and her handbag with her as they watched the plane land and waited to board.

"I sold most of what I had to get here," Esarene replied. "Travel is expensive in Galbadia, now..."

Irvine stared at her. What are you going to do when all this is over? he wondered. Do you even have a home to go back to?

"So you'll be accompanying Cid when he returns next week?" Laguna asked Squall.

"Yeah," Squall replied.

"Just making sure," Laguna said.

Just making sure? Whatever...

"Hey, hey, guess what, guess what!" A girl was running off the plane. She looked to be about fourteen, and her thick black hair was twisted back into a braid that fell down to her waist. "Hey, Dad! Are you surprised?"

She connected with Kiros at top speed, and her father stumbled backwards a bit. Esarene could see the resemblance between the two-the girl was a bit paler than her father, but they had the same sort of cut to their faces.

"Very," Kiros grunted, returning his daughter's hug. "What are you doing here, Jochana?"

"I'm the pilot," Jochana replied, grinning.

"You're kidding," Laguna put in.

"Hi, Uncle Laguna!" Jochana gave him another one of her enthusiastic hugs, making Laguna cough. "You know I've been taking lessons." She gave another hug to "Uncle Ward". "And Jenny and 'Banny were so jealous, too..." She looked up at Ward. "I'm gonna teach Deban to fly once I get my license, okay?"

Ward shook his head emphatically.

"How on earth did you talk your mother into this?" wondered Laguna.

Jochana looked around uncomfortably. "Well, um...my teacher said I could...he was helping, so I know she wouldn't care..."

Kiros shook his head. "We'll talk about this later," he said. "Let me introduce you to everyone. This is Squall Leonhart, this is Selphie Tilmitt, Irvine Kinneas, this is my daughter, Jochana. Oh, I'm sorry, this is Esarene Kinneas."

"Wow! I've heard so much about you-Jenny is gonna kill me when I get home!" gushed Jochana.

"Nice to meet you too, Jochana," said Selphie. "I never knew you had a daughter!"

"Yeah, I always kind of assumed-" Selphie slapped a hand over Irvine's mouth.

"I've got two, actually," Kiros replied. "Jeina couldn't find a way to stow away on the plane, I suppose, or you'd see her as well."

"Not for lack of trying," giggled Jochana. Kiros shook his head again. Jochana couldn't help but keep looking at Squall and grinning. "You were right, Dad, he is even better looking than his father!"

"About time to go, isn't it?" Laguna said, his face turning red.

They piled onto the plane, Esarene taking a seat by the window. No one took the one next to it, which wasn't surprising. Selphie and Irvine were deep in conversation with a couple other SeeDs, and she didn't want to butt in. After all, she thought wryly, how would I feel at their age if my mother were butting into everything that I did?

Esarene was beginning to like Selphie. I guess that means I approve of my son's match, she thought, and laughed at herself. Some of Irvine's mannerisms reminded her a bit of his father, but there was an easygoing frankness to Irvine that his father had never possessed. Thankfully, Irvine didn't look like his father-that would have been a bit much for Esarene to bear.

The fact that he looks so much like my dead brother is strange enough...

She pulled out a small tablet of paper from her backpack and flipped past the various notes to a blank page, and held a pen poised above it. But she didn't write-still couldn't write. Didn't know why she expected that she might be able to write again.

Someday, I suppose, I should give up... She put the tablet back in her backpack and sighed.

"May I ask you something?"

Esarene looked up to see Laguna Loire sliding into the empty seat beside her. "Um...all right..." she said.

"How did you do it?"

"Excuse me?"

Laguna's voice was a bit hushed for some reason, as if he were embarrassed or didn't want others listening in. "I mean...how did you tell Irvine? You know, that you're his mother."

Esarene raised an eyebrow. "Why do you ask?"

"Well...I um, you see...uh..."

"I don't know, I just told him. It didn't really go very well, to tell the truth...but I had some pictures, and I did explain to him why..."

"What happened?" Laguna asked.

Esarene told him the same story she'd told Irvine, starting with the birth of her son. She wondered why she was entrusting him with this story, but something about him struck a cord with her, even though they'd only met a few hours ago.

"So you...at least knew him...for a while," Laguna said thoughtfully. "I didn't even know..."

"Hmm?"

"Oh, nothing," Laguna said.

"Which one's yours, then?" Esarene wondered. Laguna very nearly fell over. "Squall, isn't it?"

Laguna didn't say anything. He didn't move. It was a long moment before he coughed, then started breathing again.

"Sorry, it just wasn't that hard to figure out," Esarene said. "After what Jochana said, there wasn't really much doubt about it." Though I disagree with her, Esarene thought, and felt her face getting warm. Hopefully Laguna wouldn't notice.

"I really didn't know," Laguna said. "It was Ellone who told me, and I thought I should be the one to-and so I came to Garden-but I...I..."

"Putting it off really isn't making it any easier," Esarene noted. Laguna sighed.

"I know, but...how do you say that to someone? What is he gonna think of me? How am I supposed to act like a father when I never even knew I had a son?"

"You were doing a fine job at it earlier today," Esarene said.

"Yeah, but that's different," Laguna said.

"What about his mother?" Esarene didn't think that Laguna was the same sort of man as Irvine's father, but she couldn't help but wonder. And then she saw Laguna turning a ring around the third finger of his left hand.

"She passed away," Laguna murmured.

Esarene could see that this was only the beginning of the story, but it didn't seem right to press him further.

Even though I just outlined my whole story to him, Esarene admitted to herself. Well, not the whole story. The place it really began...in the army...no, when my brother died...

I don't blame him for not wanting to say more. Some things hurt too much to say.

"Irvine says there is someone in Esthar who can let him see the past through my eyes," Esarene explained, changing the subject. "That's why he wanted me to come."

"Yes. Ellone can't send people back into anyone she hasn't met," Laguna replied.

"How does she do that, then?" Esarene wondered. "What do I have to do?"

"You don't really have to do anything," Laguna explained. "I know, she's done it to me. Irvine will fall asleep, and then he'll dream he sees things through your eyes, in the past."

"How does she do that?"

"I don't know. It's an ability she has. I don't know how to explain it."

"Oh," murmured Esarene. She looked out the window at the expanse of crystal-blue ocean. "I'm a little...scared..."

"There's nothing to be afraid of," Laguna assured her. "You won't even know it's happening. Really-she's done it to me before. And Ward, and Kiros."

"I see." I'm more afraid of having Irvine see my innermost thoughts--it wasn't a very good time of my life-but I want him to understand. He has a right to know where he came from, and hopefully he can forgive me for being such an idiot...

"--on a second...um...yeah, it works!" Jochana's voice came on over the intercom of the plane. "Hi, this is your pilot speaking!" She laughed. "Oh yeah, I can't believe I just said that! Anyway, I just wanted to say that we're approaching a bit of inclement weather, and we might experience a little turbulence, but don't worry, I've got everything under control. And yes, Dad, Mr. Aurner says he'll take over if I have any trouble. So, um, yeah, thanks for flying with us today, have a great flight!"

Kiros stormed through the center aisle up towards the pilot's cabin. Esarene just shook her head and snickered a bit. She wondered what Irvine had been like at fourteen, felt a bit of a pang at the thought.

Nothing could change the fact that the small boy in the photographs was now a young man of seventeen years, the fact that her son was a stranger to her now. She had left behind everything familiar to come and meet Irvine, so she had to deal with everything as it came. If it meant going to Esthar and meeting a woman to send Irvine into her past, she'd do it, and concentrate on the task at hand. From there on, she didn't know what would come.

"I wonder..."

Esarene looked up at Laguna. "Hmm?"

"What if...things hadn't turned out the way they did? If we'd just had families and lived in peace like we'd planned, would people like Adel and Ultemicia still be working their will on the people of our world? I think I did the right thing, but...but I don't..."

"I don't know," Esarene said. "What happened, happened, and it came out for the best, right? There are a lot of things I don't understand. Like, why are you, a Galbadian man, the President of Esthar?"

Kiros was walking back now, and he shook his head in passing. "You should know better than to ask him that," he said.

"What? Is it not a good story?" Laguna said to Kiros.

"Huh?" Esarene raised an eyebrow.

"Never mind, you'll see," Kiros said.

"What is he talking about?" Esarene wondered.

"Nothing. Okay, you see, the way it started..."

*

"I swear, that story gets longer every time you tell it," Kiros groaned.

"You were listening," Laguna accused.

"So was everyone else on the plane. Your voice is loud enough..."

Laguna looked to Esarene. "So..."

"Interesting," she said, "but it could have been told better in fewer words. I was expecting a short story, not a novel."

Laguna scratched the back of his neck. "Was it really that long?"

Jochana's voice came on again over the static. "Hey, we're approaching the Airstation and we've got permission to land. Geez, I can't believe you were so worried, Dad..."

Kiros stormed up the center aisle again, muttering something to Laguna in passing.

"What do you mean, this is all my fault!" Laguna called after him. Esarene had a coughing fit. "Hey, are you all right?"

Esarene bit back a grin. "Yes," she said, hiding her mouth behind her fist and coughing again. She looked up at him again and smiled, and Laguna found himself returning the smile.

"Oh my god! We're going down in flames! Just kidding. Yeah, we're going to be coming to a stop in just a couple minutes, so please get your stuff together and prepare to disembark. Thank you for flying Esthar Airlines, and please enjoy the rest of your evening--" The intercom snapped off.

"I've got to get my bags," Laguna said. "I guess I'll see you later, Ms. Kinneas."

"Yeah," Esarene replied. "See you later!" I hope, she added silently as he walked away. I think you're the only one here who doesn't make me feel as if I'm going insane.