Sorry this one took me a while, it's on the long side though. Hope you enjoy it, please let me know what you think. Thank you for reading!
Chapter Four: Irvine's Decision
"I see." Irvine had explained the situation to Ellone, and the woman nodded. Esarene sat up straight in her chair, almost as if she were paralyzed. "I can do it. If you're not opposed to it, Mrs. Kinneas?"
"Esarene, please," Esarene replied. "I'm . . . not a Mrs., anyway. And . . . yes. It's all right with me."
"All right, then," Ellone said. "I'm going to send you back, Irvine. You can go and do what you'd like, Esarene."
"What? I don't have to do anything?"
"No," Ellone replied.
"All right," Esarene said, standing up. "Thank you, Ellone."
"Oh, it's nothing," Ellone said. "I'm glad to help Irvine out. We were at the orphanage together for a while, you know."
"Oh," Esarene replied. Her voice sounded strangely empty. "Until later, then," she said, walking through the door.
"Nonono, don't shut it!" A girl's voice cried out as Esarene was about to shut the door. She came running down the hallway as Esarene blinked in confusion. "Irvine's in there, isn't he?"
"Yeah, but he's kind of busy," Esarene said. The girl pouted.
"It's all right," she said. "He's going to be here for a while, isn't he?"
"Yeah, as far as I know," Esarene replied.
"All right!" Something about this girl reminded Esarene of Jochana, and she had a feeling this was the younger sister who had been spoken of. "So you know Irvine, then? Isn't he hot?"
"Actually . . ." Esarene felt her cheeks growing warm. What am I supposed to say to that?
"Just don't be getting any ideas, all right?" Jeina shook her finger admonishingly at Esarene.
"Um . . . I don't think you need to worry about me," Esarene said. "Um . . ."
"Sorry--I don't think we've met," the girl said, and she smiled. "I'm Jeina Seagill. Pleased to meet you!"
"Hi," Esarene replied. "I'm Esarene Kinneas. I'm Irvine's mother."
"You are? Oh my god, this is so cool! Can I ask you something? Please, please?" Jeina was jumping up and down.
"Um . . . I suppose you may . . ."
"Just between you and me," Jeina whispered, "does Irvine have a girlfriend?"
"What? How old are you? Irvine's got to be five years older than you are!"
"It may sound like a lot now, but when we get older it won't make a difference!" Jeina said. "True love knows no age."
"I think he's already got someone he likes, anyway," Esarene sighed. Well, and I thought life couldn't get any more awkward . . .
"What?! You don't even know for sure?! But he's your son!"
"To tell the truth, I just met him for the first time in fifteen years today," Esarene sighed
"Ohhh . . ." Jeina said, nodding in understanding. "Does he know you're his mom?"
"What kind of a question is that?! Yeah, he knows."
"What about his dad?"
"Well, aren't you nosy?" Esarene said. "I assume his father is somewhere in Galbadia. It really doesn't matter."
"That's so weird, that's so weird!" Jeina said. "Haha, this time we're going to do it right! See you later, Esmene or whatever your name is!"
Jeina was off like a rocket down the hall. Esarene stood in motionless shock for a moment, then shrugged. I guess I'd better go find an inn for the night, she thought.
*
(So . . . here I am, thought Irvine.)
Esarene was one of only ten women in the entire mess hall. She moved like a ghost, like a woman possessed. Nobody cared enough to notice her, and she didn't care enough to notice anyone else. The roar of hundreds of conversations put her teeth on edge. She ate another tasteless meal, washed it down with a glass of water that tasted funny. As she finished, she felt a shadow fall over her. "Esarene Kinneas?"
Esarene turned to address the speaker. He wasn't a new cadet, but his uniform didn't bear any officer markings. "Yes, sir."
"You're Irvine Kinneas's sister?"
"Y--yes, sir."
"May I sit down?"
"Um...go ahead." Esarene wasn't used to anyone taking any interest in her, and wasn't sure how to react. The man was probably the same age as she was, and he left the top button of his dress uniform unbuttoned rebelliously. His blond hair was beautifully unkempt, a look that probably took longer to perfect in front of the mirror than Esarene had ever spent worrying about her own hair. Her curls got into horrible tangles when she let them grow out--it was better to leave them short.
"I knew your brother," the man explained. "My name is Darrion Valdaeve."
That name explained a lot. Esarene knew of the Valdaeve family; the matron of that clan was the sister of President Deling, and they were among the wealthiest families in Galbadia. She tensed almost as an automatic reaction.
"Hey, calm down, all right?" Darrion said. "Your brother was a friend of mine. He would always talk about his sister--you two were close, weren't you?"
Esarene pushed the crumbs of her dinner around with her fork. "Yeah," she said. "We were close."
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you," Darrion said. "I just wanted to meet the sister that Irvine was always talking about."
"I'm sorry," Esarene said. "I really don't want to talk about it right now."
"All right, all right, I understand." Darrion had a smooth, beautiful voice--a voice as beautiful as his face. "If you ever do want to talk--about Irvine, or anything--come to me, all right? You shouldn't have to bear things alone."
(I hope I don't come off like that, thought Irvine.)
Esarene watched him go. That night, the other nine girls in the women's dormitory were all crowded around her.
"So what did His Highness want with you, Esarene?" one of the girls asked.
"His Highness?" Esarene echoed.
"You know who I'm talking about," the girl sighed. "Darrion Valdaeve. He seems to have recovered nicely."
"Very nicely," another girl giggled.
"He hasn't been around here since he got injured in that mission," explained Cadallana, the young woman acknowledged as the senior among the female cadets. Even Esarene knew of the mission to which she referred--it was the mission her brother had been killed during. Something having to do with some secret project in Esthar...
"I guess he knew my brother," Esarene sighed.
"You need to be careful around a man like that," Cadallana said. "He is a Valdaeve. They're used to always getting what they want--then throwing it away once they lose interest."
"I'd give him what he wants," another girl announced. Esarene felt her cheeks turning red, staring down at her hands folded in her lap, while the other girls laughed. One of them gave her a hug.
"Don't look like we're all out to get you, dear," she said. "It's only because they're jealous of you."
"Well, if they want him, they can have him," Esarene said. "Do you want me to put in a good word for any of you, then?"
A few hands were raised. Esarene shook her head smiling. Her feelings were mixed. On the one hand, she was a bit wary of this Darrion guy, and on the other, she was a bit honored by his interest. Of course, if he had been a friend of Irvine's, he couldn't be that bad...right?
(Oh...oh, Mother...)
*
"Welcome back, Laguna."
Laguna looked up to see a small woman with short brown hair standing in the doorway. "Oh, hi, Anita. How are you?"
"I'm doing rather well, thank you," Anita replied. "I must say that you've looked better, though." She examined Laguna's face. "You didn't tell him, did you?"
Laguna twitched and winced.
"I heard Irvine Kinneas's mother came on the trip as well."
"Yes, they just went to meet Ellone." He looked at Anita's concerned expression. "That's not the same, all right? She at least knew she had him-god, there's no way that she couldn't know. And I . . ."
"You can't sleep," Anita finished for him. "And you're getting more gray hairs."
"I'd rather you didn't talk about that," Laguna said, pushing his hair away from the side of his face self-consciously.
"I'm surprised he hasn't figured it out for himself." She smiled at him. "Well, I just wanted to stop by and say hello. Go to bed soon, all right? You've had a long day."
"You're not my mother."
"Just pretend, all right? Someone's got to make sure you don't get into trouble or hurt yourself." She ran her fingers through her hair and turned to leave. "He won't hate you," she said, stopping in the doorway without turning around. "Just stop worrying about it, all right?"
And she disappeared down the hallway. Laguna sighed.
"I don't know, I just told him."
Esarene makes it sound like it was so easy. And it was hard for her, but she just did it. She just dropped everything to come and see him. Meanwhile, I can't say anything-and the chance passes me by-and I feel so pathetic...
I know what I have to do, so why can't I just do it? What makes it so hard to say?
*
"That's enough, all right?!" Esarene shouted. "I'm so sick of you people! Can't you mind your own business?!"
(I have a bad feeling about this, thought Irvine.)
"Where are you going?" Cadallana wanted to know.
"It's none of your business!" Esarene snapped, slamming the door behind her.
"Where am I going?" she asked the stars above her.
It was a beautiful clear night, and the stars cooled her temper, as they usually did. There had been days after Irvine's death when she didn't know how she could have gone on living if it weren't for the stars. She could have gone back to the barracks, then . . . made apologies for losing her temper over such a small matter . . . but fate intervened.
"Esarene?"
Esarene looked up to see Darrion Valdaeve, and her cooling anger broiled anew. "I'm so sick of all of them," she said, her voice dripping with soft-spoken rage. "They get so petty...so upset over the smallest things...I really can't stand it any longer."
"Sometimes I feel like everyone's that way," Darrion sighed
"They talk about you," Esarene added. "But none of them even know you! Just rumors, about how you should behave, since you're the son of the Valdaeve family and all. But-if Irvine-" She stopped suddenly. "I guess I don't know you, either."
"You know more than you realize," Darrion said. "I get sick of it, too. My dad would've bought me a higher place in the army, but I don't want to be just known as someone from the Valdaeve family, you know? But then, I get here, and no one can get past my name. They're all fawning over me like I'm some sort of sideshow. I didn't choose to be born into this family, you know! Is it too much to ask to be treated like a normal person?"
"I'm sorry," Esarene said, her voice soft. "I didn't know you felt that way."
"You don't have to apologize," Darrion replied, his voice smooth (-too smooth-be careful--). "You're different, you and your brother. I can see why he loved you so much."
Esarene's anger was beginning to turn to sadness. It was all she could do to keep going every day, not thinking about her brother . . . memories of Irvine always made her sad. "He was better than me," she murmured. "He had so much talent. If one of us had to die, it should have been me, not him..."
(You're playing right into his hands! Can't you see that he's got you right where he wants you? Oh, oh mother...you can't see it, can you? You don't understand...you're just lonely. Always so lonely-and so angry-because you lost him. It hurts...I can ever feel it hurting...)
*
Squall put the Galbadian newspaper out on the desk. On the front page were pictures of the three candidates for the presidency of Galbadia, as well as a lengthy article on the elections. Rinoa, Zell, and Quistis skimmed through the article.
"So he's the one who's favored to win the election, huh?" Zell said, pointing to one of the pictures. Squall nodded.
"So this is the man we're probably going to be dealing with from now on," he said. "He's from the same family as the last president, but they say he tried to distance himself from them."
"He looks kinda familiar to me. Are you sure we haven't run into him before?"
"He's a famous figure in Galbadia," Rinoa put in. "You've probably seen a picture." She looked at the picture and sighed. "Man, I remember him looking good when I was a kid. Time sure took its toll."
"He's only forty!?" gasped Zell.
"Something about him . . ." Quistis said. "I don't think we can trust him."
"You shouldn't judge so much on appearances," Rinoa said.
"Or else Seifer wouldn't be the only one calling you Chicken Wuss," Quistis said, hiding a smile behind her hand. Zell clenched his fists.
"What did you say?"
"Seifer . . ." Rinoa murmured. "So where do you suppose he is now?" Squall shrugged.
"Why does it matter?" Squall wondered.
"Well . . . he was with us in the beginning, too," Quistis said thoughtfully. "Fate cast us in different roles, but now that it's over . . ."
"I'm sure he'll find his place," Squall sighed. "Can we get back on the topic? You've got a lot to catch up on before you go to Galbadia, Zell."
"I hate politics," muttered Zell. "I'd rather go kick some monster butt any old day!"
Quistis shook her head. "It figures. Maybe I should take this mission, if it's too complex for poor Zell."
"Oh, shut up! You just want to escape from the pile of paperwork Cid left you with!" Zedd replied.
"Well, excuse me if I'm the only one willing to take any responsibility here . . ."
"Cut it out, please?" Rinoa interrupted.
"Sorry. We were talking about that one guy, right?"
"Darrion Valdaeve," Quistis informed him. "Sheesh, if you can't even remember his name . . ."
*
Esarene lay on her bed, curled up on her side, crying until she didn't have the energy left to do anything more than sob. She had come home, but everything still felt empty.
"I wish Irvine were here," she sobbed.
Her mother sat down beside her. "Esarene..."
"I'm pregnant," Esarene murmured, the tears starting again. "Oh, Mom, I'm so sorry-I hate myself-"
Her mother patted her back gently. "Please, Esarene, no one hates you," she said. "The world won't end. Your father and I will be with you-we'll be all right."
Esarene curled up tighter around herself. "I don't want to be a mother," she whispered. "I'm too young . ."
"You've got to deal with it, though," her mother replied. "Life goes on."
"You're not . . . going to scold me?" Esarene murmured.
"Why should I? You've been through more pain than you deserve already."
"I can't handle it!" she shouted aloud. "I can't-this can't be real!"
Esarene's mother hugged her daughter, sitting in silence as she shouted and cried uncontrollably. "First Irvine . . . and now this . . ."
"You'll be all right," the mother said sympathetically. "We'll be all right. I'm sure the father . . ."
"He threatened me," Esarene said. "He said, if it got out that he was the father-he would-" She dissolved into unintelligible sounds and moans. Her mother rocked her back and forth, as if she were a child-she was a child. A child who was going to have a child of her own. She felt so scared and confused and helpless.
"It's not something where you can say, 'all right, I've learned my lesson,'" she choked out. "I'm really . . . really going to . . . be a mother . . ."
(Of course she wouldn't want to be a mother. I certainly wouldn't want to be a father, at my age, but it still hurts-to know my mother didn't want me. It hurts.)
Esarene thought about the child. Nothing showed yet, but she knew he or she was there, inside her. It was such a strange thought. She had never planned on motherhood, but now . . .
It's not your fault, she thought at her child. I've got to smile, for you. I've got to be . . . strong . . . for you. I will love you. And we will be all right. No matter what other things I may have dreamed of . . .
From this day on, I'm a mother. A mother. Oh, god!
"Oh, god . . ."
*
"Oh, god." Jochana turned her back on her younger sister. "You're kidding. I can't believe you're stalking him."
"I am not stalking him!"
"Oh, come on. You come in here and start telling me about his mother . . ."
"You met her, too. She came on your plane."
"And, according to Dad, she got her ear talked off while Uncle Laguna told his how-I-saved-Esthar story." Jochana shrugged. "Maybe now Uncle Laguna will get around to telling Squall . . ."
"That's gotta be weird," Jeina sighed. "To grow up without a family, and then have your mom-or your dad-show up."
"But I'm sure you're willing to help Irvine get through it," Jochana replied. Jeina smiled and giggled.
"And you wouldn't do the same for Squall?"
Jochana blushed. "You know, if I married Squall, that would make Uncle Laguna my father-in-law!"
"Like that's ever going to happen." Jeina rolled her eyes.
"I know. But it's nice to imagine."
Jeina coughed. "Incest." Jochana picked up a pillow and threw it at her sister.
"Dork! Shut up, that's not what I meant! Besides, it's not like he's our real uncle."
"Does that make Squall our cousin?" Jeina wondered.
"I dunno . . . we don't call Elle and 'Banny cousin, so I guess we wouldn't call Squall that, either . . ."
"Do you think that when he finds out Laguna's his dad, he'll move here?"
"I doubt it. He's got all the SeeD stuff to worry about and all."
"So where are you two going to live when you're married, then?" Jeina had a mischievous grin on her face. Jochana blushed and looked for something to throw.
"Shut up! I know he's already got a girlfriend, all right?!"
"That doesn't sound like homework to me!"
"Sorry, Mom!" the girls chimed in unison.
*
"Please, don't cry, Esarene. You know we'll take care of him-and the war will be over any day, now. You'll be back before you know it."
Esarene pushed her father's hand off her shoulder. "It isn't fair," she said. "They shouldn't do this to me. They shouldn't need me. I-Irvine-" She looked down at her son, tugging at her leg.
(Oh my god-that has to be--)
"It's about bedtime, isn't it, Irvy?" she asked him gently. Irvine shook his head emphatically. His bowl-cut red hair swished around his head.
"I'm not sleepy, Mama," he said. "I don' wanna go to bed."
"All right, then," Esarene sighed, dropping down to squat beside him. "I wanna stay with you longer, too, Irvine."
Irvine's eyes lit up. "I'll build you a house! Okay, Mama?"
Esarene looked up at her father and smiled a tiny smile. "How about we both build a house," she said. "A house for Grandma and Grandpa."
"I jus' made Gramma a house," Irvine said. The boy and his mother went to where his blocks were strewn across the carpet. Esarene began stacking them absently as Irvine continued his monologue about building houses. "No, no, Mama, I need those!" Irvine said, snatching at the stack of blocks Esarene was making. He looked at his mother's face for a second and belatedly tagged on-"Please?"
Esarene smiled. "You're the builder."
Irvine knocked over Esarene's stack of blocks. "Oh no! There's a big-monster!" He knocked over the messy stacks that were his own project, making crashing sounds and laughing.
"I think you're getting sleepy," his mother said. "You're silly."
"I'm not sleepy!" Irvine insisted.
"Come here," Esarene said. "We'll read a book. Before you get any more wired." She lifted Irvine onto her lap and they sat down in a chair. She read to him, a book about a cowboy. Irvine's eyelids were growing heavy. Esarene closed the book, placed it aside, and hugged her son tightly.
"I love you," she said, tears escaping her eyes. "I love you so much."
"Why are you crying?" Irvine asked. Esarene managed a smile.
"Don't worry," she said. "There's nothing to worry about." She began to sing to him.
(That song, Irvine thought. I can remember . . . that song . . .)
And with that, he returned to the present.
She always felt so lonely, he thought. He could still feel the loss of her brother, her fear at becoming a mother. But . . . when we were together-she did love me. I know she did. And I adored her. But . . . she was still . . .
He thought of his father-the man who had used his mother's weakness, and then thrown her away. His poor mother . . . she had been innocent, but she had to deal with the consequences . . .
She needed someone to protect her, Irvine decided.
And I am her son, after all. "Never again," he said aloud, taking Ellone by surprise. "I'm not going to let anyone hurt her, ever again!"
