Chapter Eight: …No Future in the Past?
"You look upset," Selphie said, leaning over Irvine's shoulder. "What's wrong?"
"All I can think about is Laguna and my mother," Irvine moaned. "They were making out. My mom's infatuated."
"That's cute!"
"Cute?!" Irvine sputtered.
"Well, just think. If he and your mom get together…" Selphie giggled. "Hey, are those cookies?"
"Yeah, my mom made them. She said it seemed like a motherly thing to do." He passed the jar to Selphie. "Help yourself to as many as you want. They've got a sort of crispy, burnt texture with more than a hint of ashes."
"I bet they're not that bad." She put one in her mouth. "Ew."
"And she says she used to make a living as a cook. I don't understand it."
"Well, no one is perfect." She raised an eyebrow. "We could go out and feed them to the birds."
"Yeah…I guess…" Irvine sighed. "With all the monsters around, though, there aren't many birds left." After that, the two of them sat in awkward silence until Ellone peeked in the door.
"Hey, what are you two crazy kids up to? I thought I smelled cookies."
"You mean you thought you smelled something burning," Irvine corrected her, holding up a blackened cookie. Ellone took it and took a bite.
"They're better crispy," she said, eating it quickly.
"Then they're all yours," Irvine replied, putting the jar in her hands. Ellone grinned.
"Thanks!"
"Elle—can I ask you a favor?" Selphie said. Ellone nodded, another cookie already in her mouth. "Do you think you could send me and Irvine back into our pasts—like, at the orphanage? I wanna know what it is that I can't remember…I wanna see what we were like."
"Sure." The answer came out muffled through a mouthful of cookie. "When do you want to do it? Today's not good, I'm kinda busy…"
"Do you have a chance tomorrow?" Selphie sounded gentle and a bit apprehensive, but she knew that she wanted to do it. Maybe she could even go back far enough to see her own parents…
"Yeah, I think so. After lunch?"
Selphie nodded. "Fine with me."
"Well, I was just passing through, got a date with one of your friends from Balamb. Let me know if you need to unload any more cookies. See ya!" Ellone left, and Irvine frowned.
"What did you do that for?"
"I want my memories back," Selphie replied. "I mean, what we lost through the GFs…Ellone's power can bring it back, right? I didn't really think about it before, but now there's a gap in the back of my mind, when I try to remember our childhood…it's just barely there, barely out of reach. I can grasp snippets…but I'm missing so much…"
"Okay, I understand." He smiled. "You were a cute kid. It'll be fun."
"Are you implying that I'm not cute now?"
Irvine winked at her. "Well…beautiful is more the word I'd use…but yeah, I'd say you're pretty cute now."
Selphie giggled. "Who says that you're only young once?"
*
Laguna stretched his arms above him and walked into the park. Okay, not a park, really…just a small courtyard within the palace grounds, where there were trees and grass and other living things that the rest of Esthar lacked. Here, one could almost ignore the hum of electricity and artificial glow of the city. Here, he could almost feel at home. It was a pleasant place to come and think, especially on a beautiful day like this.
Home…a funny thing, home. He'd never been that pleased with his original home with his family in Galbadia, and after he'd left for the army, he hadn't stayed anywhere long enough to call it home. There was Winhill…but even when he'd returned there, after the years, there was no place for him any more. Unless he wanted to lie down beside Raine…
Never in his life had Laguna wished for death, and he wasn't about to start any time soon. How could anyone want to die on a day like this? What happened, happened, and there wasn't any point in worrying about it. There was today. There was now. Everything was green and bright with sunlight. He smiled. Life was something he could handle; he didn't want to give it up for anything.
Life had always been enjoyable, but today he felt wonderful…even after a meeting that had droned on for hours, his spirit was light. And now…
He heard something. So, someone else was out here…and she was humming a song Laguna didn't recognize. She sat on a bench in the shade, staring down at a book in her lap, completely oblivious to the world around her. "…now until we meet again…" Laguna read over her shoulder.
Esarene looked up at him in surprise and shut the book self-consciously. "Hello—sorry—"
"Nothing to apologize for," Laguna replied. "How are you?"
"I'm all right, how are you?"
"Good. Mind if I sit here?" Laguna wondered.
"Go right ahead." Esarene smiled at him, her expression as sunny as the weather. Awkwardly, Laguna placed his hand over hers, and she leaned against his shoulder and sighed. She tried to put Irvine's words out of her mind. Laguna was a widower, but his wife had been dead for seventeen years. Laguna certainly didn't seem the type to brood over things, and Esarene knew that when they had kissed last night, he had been thinking of no one but her. I don't know what's come over me, she thought. Or maybe I do. It's been a long time since I even considered it…
She sighed and looked up at the sky, white clouds slowly wandering through the endless blue. "What are you writing?" Laguna wondered.
"I'm trying to write down the lyrics to a song that my brother used to sing, but I can only remember a few," she explained. "I'm trying to fill the blanks the best I can, but I'm not the lyricist he was…"
"Your brother?" Laguna echoed.
Esarene nodded. "His name was Irvine…he was a musician, and he might have been famous, if it weren't for the war…"
"And you named your son after him," Laguna finished for her. He could hear more in her voice than her words. So she lost someone close to her as well…
"He shouldn't have died," Esarene said. "He was too young to be drafted, and they sent him on a suicide mission…everyone was killed or captured except for that man…"
Laguna put an arm around her as tears welled up in Esarene's eyes. She pulled her lips together in a wistful smile.
"It's all right," she said. "It was a long time ago. More than eighteen years…" She looked up at him, eyes drying. Death is not the subject we want to get on here…let's try something else. "Did you have any brothers or sisters?" she wondered.
Laguna seemed a bit surprised by the question. "Well, yeah, actually," he said. "I've got an older sister. Last I heard, she was getting married…of course, that was twenty-some years ago…" He gave her a sheepish smile. I haven't even thought about them in such a long time, let alone talked to anyone about them. Well, Raine, of course…
It was a strange mix of feelings. When he was with Esarene, the emotions she stirred were both familiar and new. He kept thinking of Raine, but then he'd be drawn back in to the present by a light touch from the woman beside him, just the tickle of her hair on his face or her fingers brushing against his leg. And there was just the day and Esarene, and he was content to sit in silence, with his mind on the present, unhaunted.
Esarene, on the other hand, did not find it so easy to avoid her ghosts. She knew so little of this woman in Laguna's past, other than that he had loved her dearly. But he had also left and never returned, never knew of the child she bore until he was reunited with Ellone…Esarene almost felt as if she could feel Raine's ghost staring down at her. She shuddered—it was an uncomfortable feeling, being stared at as if she were a trespasser—
"Esarene?" Laguna had felt her shudder, and interpreted it as more sadness. He would have to comfort her, she obviously needed someone… "It's all right, Esarene."
Laguna didn't find her unwelcome, and he was warm and solid and real, as opposed to any specters born of her imagination. He was willing to hold her and didn't ask any questions, and his touch had somehow managed to ward off the ghosts.
"May I see your writing?" wondered Laguna. Esarene blushed.
"I'm sorry, it's kind of embarrassing," she said. "You'd probably just laugh at it."
"No I wouldn't, I promise," Laguna replied. Esarene shook her head.
"I'd rather not…" she said warily, her fingers clutching the cover of her book.
"Why not?"
"Because it's no good!" She knew she was turning red. Laguna had been a writer as well—although as a journalist, not a writer of fiction—and she didn't want him to see her pathetic snippets. The muse seemed to be waking again, but it was slow in doing so, and the pieces of lyrics and prose in the book were embarrassing, even compared to the work she'd done in her teens.
"Can I just see a little?" Laguna tried to pull the book from her hands, and she yanked it back.
"No!"
"Geez, I'm sorry." He sulked a little, and Esarene relaxed her grip. I guess he does learn his lesson—
The thought was interrupted as Laguna snatched the book out of her grasp. Esarene made an indignant noise and reached for it, but Laguna held it out of her reach. When she stood up to grab at it, Laguna got up and took off.
Esarene chased him across the grass, finally tackling him and forcing him down to the ground. When Squall arrived, she had Laguna pinned beneath her, and the two of them were panting, grass-stained, and laughing. He raised an eyebrow.
"Mercy," panted Laguna. Esarene took the book back from him and rolled away to sit beside him. He propped himself up on his elbows and looked down at his green-stained khakis. "I hope that washes off…"
"You deserve it," Esarene replied, breathing heavily and grinning, clutching the prize that she had wrestled away from him.
"I wasn't actually going to read it…" Laguna looked at her plaintively. Squall cleared his throat, and the two finally realized they were not alone.
"Anita told me I could probably find you here, but maybe I should come talk to you later…" he said.
Laguna was about beet-red by this point; Esarene was also a nice shade of pink. The two of them stood up and brushed themselves off while Squall shook his head.
"Kiros decided you should probably hold a conference on the coup in Galbadia," Squall said. "No hurry, but he's waiting in your office." Squall walked away casually, and Esarene cursed.
"He wouldn't…he wouldn't do that…" she murmured. "Besides, he's too stupid to get away with it. There's no way…"
*
"People like stability," Anita sighed. "I suppose Valdaeve managed to convince enough people that Akito was going to change the way that they had lived for generations, and they now have a president from the old ruling family."
Esarene was clenching and unclenching her fists. "The idiot…" she murmured. "I should have known that he wouldn't stop at anything to get his way…"
"So this Valdaeve is a famous figure in Galbadia?" Laguna asked obliviously. Esarene felt her face turning red. "I don't really see much we can do now…I don't believe that this is a legitimate government, so we'll refuse to recognize it, of course, but with our history of isolationism…"
"I doubt he'll be happy with that," muttered Esarene. "This feels worse and worse…"
"Galbadia is far too unstable to pose a threat to us now," Kiros put in. "These things happen, in order to build a lasting government—"
"Do you know who this man is?!" Esarene called out suddenly. The many discussions at the table fell silent, and all eyes were on her. She had only been allowed in the meeting of Esthar's leaders as the voice of someone who knew Galbadia, and some of the council members doubted the justification for a woman who was already rumored as being the president's girlfriend. She swallowed hard; she had to put her personal pride aside for this. "Darrion Valdaeve fathered an illegitimate child while he was in the army, many years ago. He abandoned the mother and threatened her family if they let word out to the media about the child's fatherhood. Who am I to talk about his past? Well, that child was Irvine."
Laguna stared at Esarene in disbelief. Of course, some rational part of him had known that Esarene's son had to have a father somewhere, but he didn't give it much thought. This news certainly wasn't something he expected…his feelings were somewhere between shock and sorrow. He put a hand on her shoulder, and she shook her head. "I'm fine," she said, sounding stronger than she felt.
"You're probably right, and there's nothing we can do now. But we can't just sit and do nothing—we've got to watch him--"
"Can you all hold on a second, please?" Laguna grabbed Esarene's arm and dragged her out into the hallway. "Would you please explain this to me?" he hissed.
"There's not much to explain that I didn't say already…"
"Yeah…but you mean that you…"
"It doesn't matter what I did. I know him, Laguna…enough to know that he can't be trusted…"
"Yeah, apparently you do know him, if he's Irvine's father—"
"That doesn't matter!" Esarene shouted. Laguna stepped back as if she'd slapped him. "We can talk about it later, if you really want, but you've got other things to worry about now, don't you? This isn't about me…he's stupid, but he's powerful, and he's dangerous."
Laguna blinked at her. "I'm sorry…Esarene…"
"You didn't have any trouble putting your personal problems aside to save Esthar before," Esarene said softly. "It's really none of your business, anyway." She opened the door and went back into the meeting, which continued in a much more professional manner. Esarene was only called upon to answer questions about Valdaeve and Galbadia, and she got out of there as quickly as she could.
I suppose I should tell Irvine, she decided, what an idiot his father is being. And she put other matters out of her mind…for the time being.
