Heh...does anyone actually remember this story? I've always intended to finish it, really, even though it has been almost a year since the last update. I'm trying to get my act together on some old unfinished stories, so look for more frequent uploads! I hope...
Chapter 12: Hungry Dreams
"Where's your boyfriend?" Irvine asked. Esarene shrugged.
"I'm sure he has something more important to do than hang around with me," she said. "Beside, we've got a lot of mother-son time to catch up on, right?" Esarene forced a smile; her son could probably see through it, but she didn't care.
"Um…I guess…" Irvine said.
"What's wrong?"
"Just, when you say it that way…you sound too much like a mom," Irvine said, and laughed a little. "Like you're going to start 'the talk' with me, or something."
Esarene turned red. "Oh, geez…I don't know if I'm even qualified for that…don't you get that stuff in SeeD training?"
"Now now, Mom, just because you weren't around to raise me doesn't mean that you have to miss out on all the joys of motherhood. Or is your own conscience getting in the way?"
"Insolent boy, that's none of your business." She sighed. "For what it's worth, just because I had you when I was young does not make it okay for you to be stupid, so be responsible and--oh god, you and Selphie are just too young for that!"
"Mom, that's none of your business," Irvine replied, mocking her tone.
"Eghh…" Esarene squeezed her eyes shut. "Do you want me to act like your mother, or not? I mean, I suppose if I'd raised you and you lived with me, it would be my business, but since I haven't seen you I haven't exactly been responsible for you, I…"
"Don't worry about it," Irvine said, laughing out loud at his mother's outburst. "We've only even kissed a few times."
"Well, I should know from experience that it doesn't take much," Esarene replied. "And though I don't regret bringing you into the world, I think I'd have done a better job at motherhood if I were older and wiser."
"It also would have helped if you weren't called to the army, and our house hadn't burned down," Irvine pointed out.
"Well, that's all in the past," Esarene said. "There's too much to think about in the future for us to dwell on it. You're a smart kid. I'll have to trust your judgment."
"I think I'm a little big for you to call me a kid," Irvine protested.
"Well, you're still my kid, so I can call you whatever I want," Esarene replied. "And you'll still be my kid when you're fifty and your hair--or whatever's left of it--is going gray and you've got grown up kids of your own."
"Mom!" Irvine held onto his hair protectively.
"I'm so glad," Esarene said, a bit surprised at the tears that were coming to her eyes. "I'm so glad that you're alive, and okay, and such a wonderful young man…and I want to see you get married and have kids--in a few years, anyway--and to just be here, Irvine…"
*
"Hey Uncle Laguna--"
"Look what we found in a used book shop!"
Jeina and Jochana burst into Laguna's office and dumped a pile of books and magazines onto his desk. Laguna put a smile on his gloomy face.
"Wow! I guess I'll have something to read on the plane tomorrow...these are all Galbadian! How did they get all the way here?"
"I don't know," Jeina said. "Do you like 'em?"
Laguna started flipping through an entertainment magazine that told of the Deling nightclub scene of twenty years ago. "I don't know what to say," he said. "I hate to think of how much you girls spent on these. Tell me, I'll pay you back--"
"Ta-da!" Jochana reached into her pocket and displayed a card. "Dad gave us credit cards for when we go back to school."
"And I figured it's only fair when you buy us so much stuff all the time..."
"And Mom and Dad are just glad that we're buying books!" Jochana and Jeina exchanged a sly look and laughed together. Laguna shook his head.
"I don't know if I should thank you or not," he said. "Gah, I remember when this bar opened! It makes me feel old..."
"Hey, look here." Jeina picked up the magazine that Laguna had been leafing through and looked at the table of contents, then flipped back to a certain page. "You'll have to tell Rinoa--I think that's her mom, isn't it?"
The girl set the magazine back down in front of Laguna, and he almost cried. There was an article about Julia, the dark haired woman smiling at him eternally from that slightly yellowed page.
"Yes..." Laguna said slowly. "Rinoa...will want to see it." He started to read the article; "Pianist Finds her Voice." He had to turn the page before he started crying on it.
The next page had the headline "Rising Stars!" Laguna scanned the photos that accompanied this article, but none were familiar to him. Well, one was, but he couldn't put a name to the face--
"What the heck? I thought Irvine wasn't even born!"
Laguna hadn't realized the girls were reading over his shoulder. "It's not the same Irvine," he said. "I think...that must be Esarene's brother." There was only a paragraph to go along with each of the names on the page, and Irvine Kinneas's only mentioned that he was a songwriter and pianist, only sixteen years old. The young man did bear a striking resemblance to his nephew.
"Oh...then you'll have to take it and show her," Jochana said, her voice teasing. Laguna turned red.
"I'll have to look at these later," he said. "I still have a lot of work to get ready before I leave..." Thanks to a great deal of procrastination, he reminded himself ruefully.
*
Where was I again?
Esarene looked down at her feet. They were still on the ground, where she'd left them. Sometimes that would happen, she'd get so lost on one tangent or another that she couldn't remember where she was or what she was doing for a second.
And then the real world returned to her, and she sighed. Now the daydream was forgotten--she couldn't even remember what she was thinking about. Probably him--her mind tended to wander in that direction.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, she admonished herself. Daydreaming isn't bringing in any money, and from the look of things I'm going to have to find a new home pretty soon…
I suppose I've got to figure out for myself--what do I really, really want? And--why can't I have it, dammit? I have my son--I already have more than I dreamed of a year ago--what more do I want?
Esarene sat down to watch the moon rise. That silly moon, full of monsters, the bane of this planet...why is it so beautiful from a distance?
*
Late that night, Laguna dozed off at his desk and ended up drooling on a pile of important paperwork. Crud--now I'm going to have to print those out all over again. He didn't want to think about it, it was just too late. Instead, he let his mind drift back in time.
In his memories, a younger Laguna stepped off an airplane--he bounded down the steps, heart full of joy. He could remember that joy that carried him when he returned to Winhill, how he wanted more than anything to see her again. He thought of what he'd say, how he'd embrace her and he wouldn't let her out of his sight--
Raine, I've got such a story to tell you! Raine, darling, you won't believe it. I came as quickly as I could, love, but I had a lot to do. You see--there's so much I have to tell you--
But I can tell you later, love. Oh, Raine, the most important thing is that I've missed you so much. I never want to be separated from you again, Raine. Forgive me, I'll never leave you alone again. You and me and Elle--we're a real family from now on, I love you so very much--I don't want to live without you. Forever, Raine. The future is so very, very beautiful now--
He remembered finding her headstone, the feeling as if everything he had was shattering. He looked for Ellone, but she was gone as well. They blamed him for Raine's death--the death of a person that he loved more than life. Laguna returned to Esthar a broken man. There were days when he could do nothing, when the pain was too much for him to bear--and days when he thought he could make it. Slowly, the good days began to outnumber the bad.
It had sometimes seemed shameful for the world to continue being beautiful after his loss, but that was the beauty of the world. He found he could still see the bright side of things, and the world still had a place for him. Before he had realized it, seventeen years had passed. His friends' children were growing up. He was...
Laguna decided to go for a walk.
*
"I had hoped you'd come here." Esarene sat on a bench in the shadows—Laguna hadn't even noticed her presence. She sat with her fists in her lap, staring down at the ground and avoiding his gaze. "I'm sorry."
Laguna closed his eyes. "There's nothing you have to apologize for." He turned to leave—and felt his ponytail almost ripped from his head. He made a sound of surprise that sounded like, "Oro?"
"You're not going anywhere," Esarene muttered.
"I guess I'm not…" Laguna smiled sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head.
"I didn't want to just be a replacement," Esarene continued, "but not being with you hurt, too. It's messing me up. I just don't know what's going on. I'm thirty-eight years old, Laguna, and I still can't…I still don't…"
She stood face to face with him, staring at him with pleading in her eyes. She let her fists fall against his chest, gripping his shirt, a bit off balance. Laguna said nothing. He didn't know what to tell her. He felt so strange.
"Tell me I'm not an idiot," Esarene murmured. "Just…tell me…"
"I don't think you're an idiot," Laguna replied. "You…are…"
Esarene's nails dug into the fabric of his shirt. "What?" she murmured, looking down at the ground. "What are you trying to say to me?" She made a small sound as Laguna's arms engulfed her. He felt so awkward—she could feel his heart pounding. And yet—and yet—
"Esarene." His voice was so quiet, barely more than a whisper. And he tightened his embrace, and Esarene let herself relax against him. She closed her eyes. "This is…"
"…right," Esarene finished for him. She felt her eyes stinging as she snuggled against him. He stroked her hair, running his fingers through the soft curls. She felt so relaxed now, completely comfortable and at ease. Contented in a way she'd never felt before.
"It is," Laguna agreed. Is this love? he asked himself. Is there only one love for a person in a lifetime? No…that can't be right. It's been such a long time, though…I made the choice, I suppose. But I was so lonely…
I don't understand how I'm supposed to feel.
I don't understand, but I'm happy anyway.
