"It can't rain everyday"

Disclaimer: Fushigi Yuugi is not mine, it belongs to Yuu Watase. And as much as I love Tasuki, Kouji, and Nakago, they are not mine either.

WARNING: This contains SHONEN-AI, and maybe even YAOI. Between Tasuki and Nakago, as well as Tasuki and Kouji, you'll quickly come to realize if you actually read the thing. So, reader beware.

By the way, I got the idea for Tasuki/Nakago from J. Marie, an EXCELLENT writer, in the story "Only Time," which can be read here. You should read it!

++

Part 1--Hokkan

++

Why? I need to know why.

I was looking for something...

You couldn't find it here? With me?

I didn't know...Why did you never tell me? This whole time...you...

"No...!"

++

During the winter, when snow falls, clouds seem to trap the entire world in shadow, sinking in low from the sky to give the illusion of restraint. It was a smothering sensation, one he hadn't associated with snow until recently. Perhaps it was because of the near perpetual weather, day in and day out, or maybe because of something a bit more sinister.

Whatever the reason, trudging along in the dark, being pelted with snow, Tasuki felt a major sense of foreboding. This wasn't something he did often; it was far too dangerous for that. But in this weather, he didn't have to worry so much about being caught. Who, other than him, was crazy enough to be out here? Under any other circumstances, Tasuki wouldn't be caught dead out here.

Right now, all his friends would be curled up in bed. No one was worrying about when he would be back or concerned about his safety, out here in the dark. No one eagerly awaited his return. There was no one there to miss him and keep his bed warm until he got back. Everybody already had somebody. He wouldn't find what he was looking for back there. But would he where he was going? Tasuki sighed and watched his breath fan out and away from him. Probably not.

Before him, the road seemed to stretch into a lonely forever, with nothing for miles. Tasuki knew better. The place he was looking for was only another mile ahead. The falling snow limited even his sharp vision. A few more steps and he would be able to make out the first lights.

The sight of the small camp, as always, struck a small pang of fear in him. No matter how many times he came here, Tasuki would never be able to look upon this place with happiness, or feel the joy of returning here. Too much had happened here, too much that Tasuki regretted when the sun rose the next morning, too much that he tried to cram into the back of his mind when he was awake. He'd given up wondering why he came back, time after time.

As he walked through the camp, no one looked up and told him to get out or raised arms to him, as they should've. He was their enemy, after all. The dogs didn't even bark so much anymore. The way the soldiers seemed to recognize him filled Tasuki with a feeling he had no name for. Was it sadness? Or maybe guilt? Perhaps it was a mixture of both.

Shadows shifted and danced on the walls as they often did in small campsites; the tent walls concealed, but did not protect. The tent's single lantern threw the abstract, frightening images of monsters on the thin walls. Tasuki could see people inside the tents going about their lives. They didn't care one way or another what he was doing, who he was going to see and who he was betraying. In the distance he could smell the remnants of that night's meal. Nothing was even out of the ordinary for them. Tasuki smiled sadly to himself. He was probably just one of many to them.

How many other men and women had done this same thing? How many others threw everything away for one night, a chance to feel loved, or to achieve a sense of belonging, like him? Surely he hadn't been the first. No, no, he wasn't the first. He wouldn't let himself believe that, however many other lies he told himself.

The tent he was looking for was right in front of him, deep blue in color and easily the biggest in the camp. A banner of a blue dragon on a field of gold blew proudly from the top. The general's tent. Nakago's tent. Out of everything he had to do, entering here was always the hardest. It was always so dark inside...

The tent flap seemed like it weighed at least two hundred pounds, but Tasuki lifted it and entered the tent, anyway. Closing his eyes and waiting for them to dilate, he marveled at the heat of the compartments. To his left was a small table and chair with documents stacked and piled meticulously on top of it. To his left was a large chair. Tasuki could only make out vague shapes of what the rest of the tent contained. Everlasting darkness...had the sun ever seen this place?

He started when he saw a figure come apart from the shadows and begin towards him. In the dim light, he could only just see the cold handsome features he knew the other possessed. Tall, muscular, the man crept like a lion stalking tender prey. Tasuki fought not to retreat. Like always, every part of him screamed to get the hell out of there.

He felt more than he saw the smirk planted on Nakago's cruel mouth. He couldn't leave. It was too late now. Even if he...

"I'm glad you came, Tasuki," Nakago purred. The blonde's voice in the silence sent a shock through Tasuki's body. He failed to return the other's artificial, warm expression.

Even if he wanted to...

Tasuki said nothing, but stared as Nakago removed his shirt. The wrongness of the situation once again hit him. What was Miaka doing right now? Tamahome? Were they happy together, even as he betrayed them? What would Kouji say?

Tasuki looked away in shame. Kouji wasn't here.

Why was he here? What was he looking for? Tasuki was a fool to think Nakago could provide it for him. Or could he?

He stifled a gasp as a calloused hand reached from the darkness to cup his cheek. He leaned into the touch. It was nice to be touched in this way, even it was from Nakago, but this wasn't why he was here. Nakago may have thought it was, but the man wasn't always right.

What he was looking for...

Nakago stared down from his elevated height to meet Tasuki's eyes. One hand fell slowly to rest on his hip. Tasuki moaned into Nakago's mouth as they kissed. His hands fluttered and fell like dying birds at his side. His mind seized its furious working for a moment.

One part of a whole...He wanted to be...

Nakago pulled away to caress a line down Tasuki's neck. Tasuki found himself grasping Nakago's bare arms.

He wanted to...be with someone who wanted him. Someone who wouldn't push him away. Even if it was just sex...Is that what he came here for? No, not entirely.

Something passed before Tasuki's eyes even as he slid them shut and allowed himself to be drawn into a tight embrace. Just to be wanted. To be needed and belong. He would do anything for that. For that, he could be ruthless. Whatever it takes...

In the darkness, they missed each other's calculating glares.

++

"Some daydream." Tasuki's eyes snapped open as Nuriko plopped down into the vacant seat beside him. "I've been calling you forever."

"I wasn't daydreaming; I was just ignoring you." Tasuki quipped and settled back down in a comfortable position. He hadn't actually heard the other man, but he hated for Nuriko to think he had the upper hand in anything. Nuriko glared at him, but soon lost interest.

"Aren't you cold?" The effeminate man asked eyeing Tasuki's clothes. They'd been in Hokkan, the land governed by Genbu for at least three months and were still no closer to finding the shinzaho. People were getting frustrated being led on a wild goose chase, and because of the ice and snow that were constantly covering the ground. Tasuki chose to wear the same clothes he always had. As per usual when he was questioned about his clothes, he just shrugged.

"Cold doesn't bother me," he said. Tasuki pulled his tessen from his trench coat and started fiddling with it. Nuriko shook his head.

"No, I don't suppose it would." He was covered from head to toe, the only skin bare to the elements was his face. The ability to walk about as Tasuki did was beyond him. He sighed. "Anyway. We're all gonna have lunch. Let's go."

The dining hall was filled with the sounds of people eating, fighting, and generally being obnoxious. Sitting across two tables pushed together were the rest of the Suzaku warriors, who were holding down several conversations between the lot of them.

"I found him. He was dreaming in his room again." Nuriko announced and took a seat beside Miaka. She swallowed the bite she was eating and smiled up at Tasuki.

"Hey! Good morning! Where were you at breakfast?" She asked.

"I took a walk. Being cooped up in here is making me crazy." Tasuki said to the pretty little girl before taking his own seat next to Mitsukake. Miaka beamed at him and returned to her food. Tasuki felt a stab in his chest when he saw her guileless expression. The truth was he'd just gotten to the inn and crept into his bed when breakfast was called. Luckily, Chiriko, his roommate, had already left for the morning.

Mitsukake turned and stared at him with his penetrating eyes for a hard moment. Tasuki fought hard not to fidget. The somber, quiet man had always made him nervous, but he managed to return the large man's gaze openly. Mitsukake turned away when Chiriko began speaking to him. Tasuki let out a silent sigh of relief.

"All right, everybody," Tamahome said from the head of the table. He'd improved a lot in the few months since his family was murdered, even regained his position as the unofficial leader of their group again. Tasuki was happy to see him so well.

"Continue with whatever you were doing yesterday. If anybody finds anything, you all know what to do." Tamahome glared as Nuriko groaned and shoved his hands into wool mittens. So far, no one had turned up anything on the shinzaho. It was a very slow, very maddening process. It didn't seem like they were ever going to find it.

No one was very thrilled as he rose from the table, Tasuki included. The cold may have been impotent against him, but it still put him in a bad mood. He left before anyone could ask to join him. As much as he loved the other Suzaku warriors, he wasn't up to dealing with them today.

"What's wrong with Tasuki?" Chiriko asked, after he had gone. To his left, Nuriko shrugged.

"I don't know. He's been like that the past few days. It worries me." His full lips were pulled in a deep frown. "He's so calm and quiet..."

"Why are you complaining?" Chichiri asked, huge grin on his face. Nuriko tossed a look at him. The other man sobered. "I do see what you are talking about, though."

"Do you think he could be sick, Mitsukake?" Asked Chiriko. The huge man just shrugged.

"I wouldn't know until I was able to examine him. It could just be he's homesick."

It was silent a moment while this option was considered.

"I do suppose that could be it. I'm missing Konan myself these days." Chiriko said, thoughtfully.

"What are you guys talking about?" A small bright voice piped from the head of the table.

"Nothing, Miaka," Nuriko said, not wanting to bother her with their troubles. He turned to her and said, "Will you search with me today?"

"Sure!" She exclaimed. The pair got up and left the table. One by one, the others followed. They prepared themselves for another long day. It was getting to be the usual around there.

Outside, Tasuki trudged through the snow, looking for a clue of something he had no idea existed. As he was walking, it began to snow again. The odd stillness in the air that always accompanies winter storms made Tasuki pause in his tracks. It reminded him of the last time it had snowed in Konan. Storms are different in the forest, stillness in the woods makes the place seem mystical and strange and beautiful. Tasuki closed his eyes and faced the heavens.

++

"You look like a kid, standing there with your tongue hanging out like that."

Tasuki laughed as he finally caught a snowflake on his tongue. "Sometimes, Kouji, you have to stop and enjoy the finer things in life."

"Wise sentiment, coming from a seventeen-year-old bandit." Kouji said. He still found it hard to believe that this kid would be his boss someday. But he would never accept any one else as his leader; he loved the younger man fiercely.

"Like you're some wise, learned man yourself." Tasuki shot back. "'Sides, how often does it snow out here? Practically never." He answered his own question. It rained more often than it snowed in Konan, and he was never one to pass up an opportunity.

Kouji had to smile at the logic Tasuki presented. He was right, the last time in snowed, he'd been maybe fifteen. Kouji couldn't help but feel a little playful as well. He smirked, even as Tasuki completed another turn in the snow.

The look of shock on Tasuki's face as a snowball collided with it was priceless. He took a moment to clear the snow from his eyes and mouth before yelling a string of obscenities in Kouji's general direction. Kouji shut him up with another snowball.

"You're pathetic!" He teased. "Are you just going to stand there and scream like a girl?"

"Nobody calls me a girl, not even you, Kouji!" Tasuki growled and gathered up snow for his own assault.

"Ooh, feisty! The girl can fight!" He laughed.

"Bastard!" Tasuki hurled a snowball at his chest. It hit hard enough to sting.

"So? I doubt your mother was married when she had you, either!" It was Tasuki's turn to laugh.

"No, maybe not, but that's beside the point!" They continued flinging snow at each other.

Eventually Kouji collapsed under a nearby tree. Tasuki joined him a moment later.

"If you weren't so ancient, you wouldn't have lost." He said, breathing heavily.

"I'm two years older than you are, punk." Kouji said. The snow still continued to fall, it was getting hard to see far in front of him. He watched it start to fill the large tracks they'd made.

"Exactly. Ancient." Tasuki stared up into the sky. It seemed to have gained a yellowish tint. For the first time, he noticed the dead silence. If he listened hard enough, he was sure he could here the snow falling. "It's kind of eerie, isn't it?" Kouji nodded in agreement.

"The forest...it's never so silent. It's almost like its dead." He noted.

"That's what I was thinking." Tasuki said. The conversation dwindled, but the silence between the two men was comfortable. Both were content to watch the storm rage on from beneath the tree.

"Do you ever worry about what's going to happen, after the boss dies?" Tasuki suddenly asked. His brows were drawn together in a deep frown.

"No. I think everything is going to be taken care of. Are you worried about becoming the new leader?" Kouji glanced over at his younger companion.

"Yeah, but I don't know why. All my life I've dreamed of it, and now its finally happening. I can't help but wonder if..." Tasuki trailed off.

"What?"

"If this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I mean, before I came here, people always said how I would become a great man someday, and how I had a huge destiny to fulfill, just because of this mark on my arm." He lifted his arm to emphasize his point. "What if I'm screwing everything up by becoming a bandit?"

"Did you ever think this was your destiny?" Kouji asked. When Tasuki stared at him blankly, he sighed and tried to explain. "Do you respect the leader?"

"Of course, he's like the father I never knew." Tasuki answered, looking at Kouji.

"Would you say he was a great man?" Kouji asked.

Tasuki snorted. "Looking at all he's accomplished, yeah, sure." He scoffed.

"Then what's the problem, if you are taking this great man's place? Maybe this is your destiny. Do you see my point?"

"I--" Tasuki began, but stopped and grinned widely. "Thanks, Kouji."

"Anytime, kid." Kouji lifted himself up from the tree with a groan. He offered a hand to Tasuki.

"Thanks." Tasuki said, taking the hand and getting up. Kouji dropped an arm around his shoulders. Together, the two men walked back to their home. It never stopped snowing.

++

"Get out of the damn road, wouldja?" A cart tore through the mud and snow where Tasuki had just been standing. He shook his head at his own ignorance. He needed to pay more attention.

By now he was about a mile outside of town, still no sign of the shinzaho. He contemplated just giving up and going home for the rest of the afternoon. They'd never find it, anyway. Why waste his time? He turned around.

Out of nowhere, a figure dropped down beside him. Turning, he saw it was Suboshi, Nakago's lackey.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Tasuki easily dropped into a fighting stance. Pulling his tessen from his coat, he prepared to do battle. He was shocked when Suboshi did nothing but stare.

"I did not come here to fight you," he said disdainfully. "Master Nakago requests your presence, although I can hardly see why."

Tasuki growled, his fangs bared and glinting wickedly. "Watch your mouth, or you might just end up like your brother."

It was Suboshi's turn to become fierce. "Don't you ever mention my brother!" Before Tasuki could do anything, Suboshi disappeared, his lightening quick speed making him impossible to track. The boy was gone. Tasuki cursed wildly.

Why did Nakago need to see him? He'd never summoned him before, especially in the daytime. It certainly wasn't good. It wasn't as though he could ignore it, either. Tasuki had never feared any one man as much as he feared Nakago.

"Well, if he wants me..." Tasuki faced the direction of the Seiryu camp. It was a long walk, taking him completely around the town so he wasn't seen, but what else did he have to do today? He started on his way.

++

Why was this place always thrown in darkness? Tasuki thought, stepping into a large tent. It could be the middle of the day and it would still be as black as pitch in here. He briskly rubbed his arms, more out of habit than of need. He waited for Nakago to show himself.

"Your teammates have finally learned of the shinzaho's location." A voice spoke directly behind him. Tasuki started and almost fell over.

"Then what the hell am I doing here?" Tasuki asked, regaining his balance and turning around to face the other man.

"I need to ask you a favor." A smile could be heard in Nakago's voice when he spoke. Tasuki was immediately wary. This man was dangerous. He knew that.

"What kind of favor?" He already had a sneaking suspicion as to what Nakago would ask of him--but maybe he was wrong and he just wanted a foot rub or something.

"I need you to bring the shinzaho here after your teammates get it."

Tasuki closed his eyes. He figured it would be that. "I don't want to betray my friends." He said.

"Haven't you already? What difference does it make to you if they know or not?" Nakago said, a little harshly.

"I--" He broke off. What the other man had said was true after all. What difference does it make? What difference does it make? Tasuki turned the question over and over in his head. I never truly belonged with them anyway; just an extra body, now that they couldn't summon Suzaku normally...

Nakago looked at him expectantly. "What?" Tasuki snapped, not trusting the other man's expression. He was smart enough to know when he was being used and manipulated. How stupid did the other man think he was? Tasuki felt vaguely insulted.

It didn't really mean much to him, though. If he was being used, then Nakago needed him for something. He was useful. That was more than he received from the Suzaku Seven. They didn't need him. He wasn't as smart as Chiriko, not as strong as Nuriko, and he couldn't do magic like Chichiri. He wasn't the priestess's favored like Tamahome.

Tasuki hated to feel useless. At least with Nakago he served a purpose.

"If I do this for you, what will you do for me?" Tasuki asked.

Nakago looked a little taken aback. He obviously wasn't expecting Tasuki to ask for anything. He underestimated him, as always.

"What do you want?" He asked.

Use me.

"Let me work under you. Let me be your right-hand man." Tasuki met the other man's eyes for the first time since entering the tent.

"Certainly. You would be of great use...under me." Nakago smiled wickedly. Ignoring the other implications of the statement, Tasuki smiled. That was all he wanted to hear.

++

"Where have you been? I've been looking all over! We've finally found the shinzaho!" Chichiri's excited yells reached him even as he reentered the town. Apparently the other man had been waiting for him.

"You're kidding! Thank Suzaku!" Tasuki feigned surprise rather well, considering. However, at hearing the other man's excitement, couldn't help but feel guilty at what he was about to do. He felt sick to his stomach.

"Just come back with me to the inn, everybody else is there. We'll talk about it then." Chichiri grabbed his arm and hauled him off before he could say anything else.

"There you are! Did Chichiri already tell you?" Tamahome greeted Tasuki even as he stepped through the swinging doors. "We found it!"

"It's in a cave just a few miles north of here!" Miaka accompanied merrily. Everybody was in high spirits. Even Mitsukake was smiling. Tasuki felt sicker and sicker.

"Then why are we just waiting here? We don't have much time." Tasuki said. He sounded fake even to his own ears.

"I know. That Kutou camp not far from here has been moving a lot, lately. They must have found something as well. That's why Nuriko has already gone ahead. We all stayed behind to look for you." Tamahome explained. "Are you ready to go now?"

Tasuki's stomach lurched and the color drained from his face. "Yeah, let's go." He said weakly.

"Are you sure? You look kind of pale." Miaka glanced him over hurriedly. "Are you sick? Maybe Mitsukake should take a look at you."

"No! I'm fine. Let's go." He barked. He instantly regretted snapping at the girl. She looked hurt. Behind him, Chichiri threw Chiriko a weighted glance.

"Well, if you're sure you're fine..." Miaka took a few steps away from Tasuki, back into Tamahome's grasp. Tasuki turned away, hiding a pained expression.

"What are the rest of you waiting for?" He called out, moving toward the small stables around the building. The four other men and lady followed him.

"Did anyone else notice something weird about that whole entire exchange?" Chichiri asked. Chiriko nodded his agreement. Mitsukake said nothing.

"As long as I'm not the only one..." Chichiri said. He glared bemusedly at Tasuki's retreating back. "What is his problem?" The question remained unanswered. Miaka chose that moment to poke her head in their conversation.

"Hey, guh...." She began. Miaka stopped mid-word, but no one noticed. They had all stopped what they were doing as well. After a long moment, tears began coursing down her face. "Did you feel that?" She sobbed.

They had. Chichiri clutched at his chest while Mitsukake stared, shocked and upset, at the ground. Chiriko was weeping openly.

"Nuriko...Something's happened to Nuriko!" Miaka cried.

A few yards from them, Tasuki dropped to his knees. His vision had narrowed to a point and the deepest sense of loss filled him. Nuriko...Nuriko was gone! And it was all his fault! If he had been here, not at...he would not have agreed to that if he had known. He wouldn't have! Tasuki was sure he could hear Nakago laughing from here. He let out a soft sob.

"Tasuki..." Tamahome knelt and offered the other man a hand. Tasuki studied at it before taking it and getting up. "Now, more than ever, we have to hurry."

Tasuki wiped his face and nodded. Now more than ever...

++

Swing! Parry, thrust! Now, duck! A litany of commands sounded in Tasuki's head. Who would have thought these rich peacocks would have such a large team of bodyguards? It was just supposed to be a routine, in and out robbery. Three men should have been enough...Tasuki winced as the butt of some weapon was rammed into his midsection and he heard his ribs crack, a sick crunch. He tried hard not to wretch. He was already favoring one arm, the other sported a gash maybe six inches long, from bicep to forearm. The last thing he needed was another broken rib.

"Genroh, behind you!" A huge hulk of a man loomed over him brandishing what could have been a sword or a cleaver. Tasuki kicked his knees out before he had a chance to cause much damage.

"Kouji, you alive?" He yelled out over the skirmish. He'd lost sight of his two men sometime after the attack began.

"Who do you think is watching your ass?" Kouji threw the longish strands of his hair out of his eyes with a jerk of his head. "We lost Ran though!"

"It's about time for my ass to get out of here!" Tasuki called out. The bodyguards were starting to regroup. He and Kouji wouldn't make it much longer.

"I'd be more than happy to watch it for you!" One man started lumbering towards him. Tasuki pulled several wards from somewhere in his coat. The phantom wolves he was so aptly named for seemingly sprang from the air. He laughed as the men took a wary step back.

"Now!" Kouji and Tasuki tore from the scene as fast as they could, leaping into the trees as soon as there was a limb close enough to the ground. They were at least a mile away before Tasuki fell from the tree he was perched upon.

"How badly is the baby hurt?" Kouji asked, dropping soundlessly beside him.

"Screw you, Kouji." Tasuki flipped onto his side amidst the leaves that littered the forest floor. The movement brought the coppery taste of blood to his mouth. Kouji placed a hand on his shoulder, pushing him onto his back again.

"Seriously, how bad is it?" Outwardly, he looked nonchalant, and almost a little annoyed, but the expression didn't quite meet his eyes.

"Two...ah...three broken ribs. My right arm's useless." He looked Kouji over, noting the lack of blood or injuries. "Are you telling me you got out of that completely unharmed?"

Kouji shook his head. "Even I'm not that good a fighter." He lifted his shirt to show the mass of bruises on his chest. There were five, total, each the size of Tasuki's palm, easily.

"This bites." Tasuki groaned. Kouji just shrugged.

"It happens. You just got to go with it, sometimes." He looked at the sun, trying to gauge how many hours of sunlight they had left. "It is a pity about Ran."

Tasuki nodded, staring into the leafy canopy above his head.

"So, what do you propose we do, partner? We have maybe three hours of daylight left. Should we camp out here, or try to drag our carcasses home?"

"There's a stream near here, right?" At Kouji's affirmative response he continued. "Let's try to make it there before I die of blood loss."

"Good idea. I knew I kept you around for something." Tasuki snorted and winced.

"Out of all my winning qualities, you choose my cunning intellect? Over my winning personality? Unbelievable."

"C'mon, or do you need me to carry you?" Kouji grinned above him. Tasuki glared at him.

"I wouldn't want to strain those girly arms of yours."

"At least I have the good sense not to let them get torn apart, idiot!"

Despite Tasuki's protests, Kouji slipped one arm over his shoulders and helped him to the stream. Tasuki huffed, or would have, had his torso and upper body not been in excruciating pain. Kouji was amused with his annoyance.

"Stop it. It's not like you've never done this for me." He said.

"Yeah? And you're also a lot more stupid than I am!" Tasuki snapped, but immediately looked repentant. "I don't usually make mistakes like that." He added.

"Everyone makes mistakes like that. None of us saw that they had that many guards. Stop whining, you did what you could." Tasuki nodded bleakly. He had already shouldered the blame, regardless of his friend's comforting words.

The stream was only a little better than a puddle running through the forest usually, but after the heavy rains they'd been having, it was swelled to a good enough size. Resting against a log, Tasuki struggled to remove his shirt. Kouji sighed at the pathetic display, but let the other man take care of it. He scanned his own body to make sure a few bruises were all he had sustained.

Tasuki let out a bark of triumph when he finally removed his shirt. Kouji winced when he turned around. His torso was already turning a mottled purple-black and the gash in his arm must have severed a major artery. The second Tasuki let pressure off of it, it gushed wildly, blood so red it was black seeping through his fingers.

"It looks worse than it actually is," Tasuki muttered, placing his hand over the wound again.

Kouji sighed again. "Can you move your fingers?" The fingers of Tasuki's right hand twitched, flexed, and curled into a fist. Kouji nodded and plopped down matter-of-factly on the log next to Tasuki. Picking up his shirt from where it had been discarded on the ground, Kouji tore it cleanly into strips.

"Hey!" Tasuki protested.

"It's your arm! I'm not going to tear up my shirt!"

Kouji first cleaned all the blood from his arm--there was a lot of it--then bound the arm as tightly as he dared. It would have to hold until daybreak which was a long ways off yet. Tasuki sat in moderate silence while Kouji tended to him, but noticed how he tensed when he accidentally touched him while wrapping his ribs. Other than that, Tasuki was completely complacent.

"If I didn't know the horrible pain you were going through now, I would almost say you were enjoying this." Kouji stated, prodding at one of the fractures.

There was a long pause. "It's nice not to have to take care of myself for a change."

If what Tasuki had said hadn't given Kouji a pause, then the odd tone would have. What a weird thing, to hear it coming from Tasuki. Was it possible for a fever to have set in already? They had been traveling pretty hard...

"Genroh...what do you mean by that?" His face looked normal, he was warm, but nothing to worry about...

"Nothing." Tasuki met his eyes, almost seemed to dare Kouji to push just a little bit farther. Kouji looked away.

"Sorry I couldn't do anything else about your ribs. We'll have to take care of that when we get back." Tasuki sighed and eased himself onto the ground, either not noticing or ignoring Kouji's sidelong concerned glances.

Kouji stamped down the feeling of uneasiness. Why was he being so difficult, anyway? He hated it when Genroh got touchy and moody, luckily it didn't happen very often. They might have been best friends, but silent companionship wasn't something either of them was accustomed to. It was more than a little uncomfortable to Kouji and right now it seemed like it was stretching on forever. Kouji grew tired of waiting for Tasuki to break the silence.

"What's bothering you?" Kouji finally asked. He heard the loud whoosh of a sigh behind him.

"It's stupid. You'll laugh." Tasuki said.

"Have I ever laughed at you? When you're being serious, I mean?" Kouji smiled disarmingly.

"What about the time I told you my greatest fear as a child? I was serious then." Tasuki said stuffily.

"You were afraid of rabbits." Kouji pointed out.

"...it was my sisters' fault."

"Right. So just tell me your problem." Kouji sighed. Tasuki continued to glare at him. Kouji threw up his arms. "What do you want me to say?! That having a fear of rabbits is a healthy, valid fear?!"

"What were you afraid of as a kid?" Tasuki asked.

"Moths," Kouji admitted quickly.

"Moths? You're afraid of moths?" Tasuki exclaimed. "Why?!"

"Did you ever look at them? They're scary! That tube thing they have for a mouth...!" Kouji shuddered.

"You have to be kidding..." Tasuki laughed as softly as he could into the trees above him. "Rabbits and moths...what a pair we make!"

Kouji laughed along with his friend, and forgot all about the other fear Tasuki never named.

++

"Genroh!"

Kouji woke from the dream he was having with a start. Panting, and with trickles of sweat rolling down his back, he rose from bed. The bed itself was huge, rumpled blankets adorned its vast surface. It was a bandit king's bed, meant to hold several beautiful women with no clothes on. At the time, and for a long time previous, it had held only Kouji's lonely body.

For the past few nights, he had been dreaming of Tasuki. Not that this was an unusual past time for him, but lately Tasuki had been fully dressed, unlike usual. In the dream, Tasuki was standing in water that looked as viscous and black as tar, and no matter how hard he struggled, Kouji always seemed to get stuck and pulled under. All the time, Tasuki would just stare as if he didn't see him. Kouji didn't want to know what it meant.

It had been several months since he had last seen or even heard from his friend, and Kouji would admit to missing him. This would be the first time since he was sixteen that they would have been apart for this long. The fort where he lived seemed empty and lonely. When Tasuki had came there three years ago, he had made himself as much a part of the fort as the wood flooring or the lofty ceilings. It wasn't the same without him. Kouji wasn't the same without him.

Before Tasuki had left, Kouji had never realized how much a part of himself the other man was. It had taken him a few days to get used to Tasuki's absence. It made him feel almost impotent, without the fiery younger man there to back him up. Even now, months later, he would catch himself waiting to hear familiar footsteps outside his door and their odd way of identifying each other called out. Worse, he would be disappointed when it never came.

To say that Kouji and Tasuki were like brothers would be a vast understatement. They cared for each other much more deeply than that. However, there was always an underlying tension between them. That was mostly Kouji's fault. For a long, long time Kouji had been attracted to Tasuki. Naturally he didn't say anything. What was he supposed to do? For any options he saw he had open to him, the consequences, should Tasuki fail to return his feelings, were just too drastic. So he was happy and content to let the friendship remain as it was. At least, he told himself, he was happy. Now that Tasuki was gone, he regretted never taking action more and more everyday.

Kouji's room had a balcony that was positioned right in the treetops. From it, he could just barely make out the moon on clear nights. Tonight, there was no moon hanging dully in the distance. Clouds were surely blanketing the sky--there were no stars out tonight, either. Darkness dripped from the sky as surely as rain was about to. That was fine for Kouji. It complimented his mood. It made no real difference either--people could be robbed just as easily in the sunshine as they could in the rain.

He wondered where Tasuki was now. Did the rain match his mood, too? Was he happy among his new friends? Did he think of him? Did he miss him? It disturbed Kouji to think Tasuki was as miserable as he was. The man had always been so quick to laugh (at other people) and carefree...obviously his conscience and the morality of stealing never pestered him. Granted, he could be very loud and a little brash, but compared to the other bandits he was a joy to have around. Kouji's thoughts filled with the young man and he felt a sharp pang in his chest.

Pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, Kouji rubbed his eyes. He had to block Tasuki out if he was going to get any sleep. Maybe getting his mind off of him would help with the dream. Kouji sighed. He hoped he was all right, because there was no way he could save him if he was. And deep down, that thought terrified him.

++

Blue...Blue. A sea of blue. What a hideous color. The bed in which he had awoken from was swathed in several shades of the color; the ceiling presented before him was painted a dusky hue. Everywhere he turned it was all he saw. He was surrounded by it. Tasuki was sure it was some sort of cruel joke.

Which would be far, far less than he deserved, he thought, coming fully awake. Fresh memories of the day before flooded his thoughts even as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Had that really all happened in a day? It seemed like it had lasted weeks. First Nuriko, then...

News of his betrayal had surely reached Konan already. Very soon now the people would hear. Kouji would hear. Fighting not to release the pained sigh that built up in his chest, Tasuki fell back against his mattress. He fancied going back to sleep--he didn't have to think about things there--but figured someone was bound to come looking for him eventually. He couldn't stay hiding in the chambers he had been given forever, no matter how much he wanted to.

Beside him, a small pitcher of water sat on the table. It had been slightly disturbed by his movements. Ripples buffeted the sides and reverberated into the middle. Looking at it, Tasuki was mesmerized. In the light, the water looked full of depth--like the ripples, it too, went on forever. The blue sucked him in.

Betrayed eyes. Tears. The wordless, soundless cry of "How could you?" Her eyes, at that moment, had seemed to go on for eternity. Before they had closed down, and he was locked out of them. He'd never seen her eyes look that way, forbidding, warning, full of hate. Hate for him. Had he ever been hated?

It was the strongest emotion he'd ever coaxed out of her.

Tasuki almost surprised himself when he sent the vase hurdling at the wall, exploding into dripping glass. He hadn't really been aware of doing it...but it had felt good. He laughed in an unpleasant way to himself. He wasn't even in control anymore. If he didn't have that...Tasuki wouldn't be left with much else. He raised one hand to cross his chest and rest on the juncture of his shoulder and neck. The other hand crossed his torso to rest on one hip. He held himself for a few moments, trying to regain control. It was in this position that Suboshi found him, a little later.

"What are you doing? Having regrets?" He asked, peeping in from the door that hung slightly ajar. A small smirk was on his face, he smiling at having caught an enemy at a weak moment.

Tasuki relaxed from the tense pose, glaring over his shoulder at the young teenager. "Just stretching," he supplied. His feet hit the floor with barely sound. He crossed the room in a few short strides.

"Is breaking things a common morning activity for you?" Suboshi asked, eyeing the remains of the vase skeptically.

"Maybe. I suppose there's only one real way to find out." Tasuki grabbed the younger man's hand, grinning suggestively. He watched him yank his hand and back away from him in disgust.

"You're gross. I don't care what Nakago does. You're disgusting. You make me sick." Suboshi glared venomously at Tasuki. He held the hand that had been taken like it had been burned.

"All this, coming from a fifteen-year-old child killer. I suppose I've reached an all time low, this time. " Tasuki laughed mirthlessly. Suboshi's face seemed to crumble a bit, before he walked briskly away. Tasuki couldn't help but feel a little let down that he wasn't more of a fight.

Stepping away from the door and closing it behind him, Tasuki wasn't sure why he had done that at all. He'd known the kid would reject him--not that he wanted him anyway--but he'd also known the reaction he would have. And all that other stuff he'd said, and the look on Suboshi's face...Tasuki smiled to himself. What could he say? It felt good to break things.

That day, Tasuki managed to keep himself busy, although it wasn't easy. Not many people trusted the Konan Traitor, either in his native country or in Kutou. If he were to come out of this alive, which he seriously doubted, he'd have to move to Sairou just to be in peace. He ruined everything for himself in one impulsive move. And it wasn't as if he didn't have regrets about it now, but what was done was done.

Tasuki snorted. His mother had always said that, when he had done something stupid and she was too tired to beat him for it. When she did have enough energy, it was the greatest fear in Tasuki's young life to see his mother rumbling down the path to his usual hiding spot, which wasn't as hidden as he thought. But that was a long, long time ago. It was funny how things you thought you had forgotten...had made yourself forget...resurfaced at the oddest times? The last thing he needed was to be reminded of his original family.

Why couldn't he remember Kouji and the happier times at moments like these? Why couldn't he flashback to the time when Kouji had thrown him into the deep pond a few miles from base, trying to teach him how to swim? Sink or swim, he'd said. I've already thrown you in there and I'm not going in to save you. What's done is done. Now you try to fix it.

Of course, Tasuki had been furious and terrified when he'd finally made it to the shallower part of the water. Kouji had had to come for him, after all. He'd vowed he wouldn't speak to Kouji ever again. The older boy had been contrite, naturally, when he realized his mistake. He ended up trading one of his favorite daggers for Tasuki's forgiveness, and even then, Tasuki had trouble liking him again. This happened when he was fourteen.

Tasuki had never trusted Kouji again, completely, around water. No matter how many times he'd apologized, he couldn't take it back. He couldn't remove the sense of betrayal...

You were supposed to be our friend, you bastard! Tamahome. He'd growled that out as he was taking a wild swing at Tasuki.

I was your friend, Tasuki answered the voice in his head. I was and you were mine.

But that wasn't enough. It's never enough.

Tasuki squeezed his eyes shut. Maybe their voices would stop ringing in his head; their accusing eyes, one day, would stop staring. One day... At least...at least, Tasuki told himself, one pair of eyes had never--would never--look at him that way.

Good bye, Nuriko. From the deepest part of him Tasuki ached as he said the words.

++

They arrived just in time to see him fall. Tasuki remembered that with vivid, aching clarity, from the jaunty little figures embroidered on the hem of his overcoat, to the swimmy blue-green color that filled his vision after he'd stared at the snow too long. He could a hear a bird in the distance, and a snow rabbit beat a hasty retreat as they approached. Small things.

A gush of warm blood had partially melted the snow beside him, turning it a deep, deep crimson. The contrast between the colors was amazing, Tasuki remembered thinking. His mind had already started denying what his eyes clearly saw. The seven of them dropped to their knees around the dying man.

Chiriko was crying, great big gasping sobs. He remembered begging Mitsukake. Do something, anything! You're a doctor aren't you? Well, fix him! By that time, tears were falling from his own eyes. The large man had just looked away. Chiriko had just paused in his sobbing and Tasuki quit babbling just long enough to hear Nuriko pull one last labored breath before releasing it, and a moderate trickle of blood. In death, a small smile still seemed to hover gently on his lips, and his eyes were closed as though he was content. It was deceiving, was all Tasuki could think.

Miaka flew apart all at once, gibbering and talking to the corpse as though it weren't dead. She had a hysterical gleam in her eye that Tasuki seemed to reflect perfectly. Tamahome turned on them both like he wanted to slap them. Miaka ran off before he had the chance, not that he would hit his one and only. The six men could hear her crying in the woods not far from them.

"Why did you let him go?!" Tasuki screamed at Tamahome, who continued towards him. Tasuki squeezed his eyes shut and worked clenching and unclenching his fists at his side. Tamahome slowly embraced him; he knew Tasuki and Nuriko had been close.

"Why?!" He sobbed in Tamahome's ear. "This is all your fault!" The heads of the four other men lifted and suddenly listened to the conversation. Tasuki shoved the other man away.

"What are you going to now, oh fearless leader? What, now that everything's beginning to fall apart? It doesn't seem so easy now, does it? It's not some fairy-tale anymore! Nuriko..." The five Suzaku warriors looked on in anguish and sympathy as Tasuki broke down, sobbing and seeming to curl in on himself. Tamahome failed to hold back his own tears. Not quite sure what to do with himself, he ran into the forest after Miaka. The others gazed upon the once beautiful man, hoping, perhaps, that their tears could bring him back. Like so much of their quest so far, that failed as well.