A Night at the Golden Snail
Chapter 2 – The Velvet Curtain Opens
WARNING: There is one brief kiss in this part, between two guys (no prizes for guessing who – also no saliva or tongues). If that sort of thing squicks you, you need to stop reading Harry Potter fanfic. Go check out the L.M. Montgomery stuff instead.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything Potter-related and I am not making money off its use. Also, I do not own Moulin Rouge, neither do I claim to have invented the lines from this movie that I used in this part. Finally, I do not mean to offend anyone – it was written in good fun, so please take it in that spirit. Author's note at the end – your questions addressed.
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Remus was dreaming.
He was standing in the middle of a field of flowers the boundaries of which he could not see. Only they weren't flowers, they were egg beaters, every size and color they could possibly be. Then he was walking amongst the egg beaters, and then with no warning he was clear of the field, and sitting on the ground before him was a shoe. It was a woman's black high-heeled dress shoe with two straps and a gold buckle. Remus knew that he had to pick it up, but he also knew that if he did, it would bite his hand off.
Inexplicably, the scene shifted and Remus was in Italy, in a house with white walls and white curtains fluttering in a white breeze. He was wearing white (he was not in the dream but outside it looking at it like a portrait) and Artie Guardman was sitting across the table from him, wearing a suit.
"Do you want any tea?" said Artie.
Then Remus woke up.
"Oh dear God," he groaned quietly into his pillow, before realizing that the dream hadn't particularly bothered him, considering all the dreams he could have had. In fact, it had actually been a pleasant dream, except for the rather disturbing egg beater sequence.
"Why can't I have prophetic dreams like everyone else?" he said to himself. "Or at least relevant ones."
It was Saturday, and Remus luxuriated in the knowledge that he technically did not have to get out of bed until Monday morning. After fifteen minutes or so, Remus realized that he wasn't going to fall back asleep, so he got up.
Sirius was the only one in the room, and he was bent over something on the desk. Remus shambled over to see what it was.
"Another cauldron?" Remus said. Sirius bought cauldrons like some women bought shoes.
"Well, I didn't have a size five yet," Sirius said defensively. "And it was on sale."
"You've been to Hogsmeade already this morning?" Remus said.
Just then the door flew open and Peter ran in, his Quidditch robes flapping behind him. He took off the Quidditch robes and replaced them with standard-issue black, Remus and Sirius watching his frenetic activity with some amusement.
"Either of you seen my winter cloak?" Peter asked, rooting underneath his bed.
"Where's James?" Remus said.
Peter paused, spread-eagled on the ground, his head hidden beneath the coverlet. "At practice?"
"Why aren't you there?" Sirius demanded.
Peter squirmed out from underneath the bed, sat back on his heels and gave the other two a look that discreetly inquired what planet they had been living on for all of their benighted lives. "Don't you know what day it is?"
"January tenth?" Sirius said, looking hopelessly confused. "It is Saturday, right?"
"Would everyone please stop asking questions?" Remus snapped.
Peter and Sirius both glared at him.
"Fine," Remus said, "will you just – I mean, tell us why you aren't at practice."
Peter sighed the sigh of the terminally misunderstood. "Today's the day that the third book in the Velvet Curtain trilogy comes out. It's called A Night at the Golden Snail."
"Did you get any of that?" Sirius whispered to Remus.
"I've been waiting for a whole three months!" Peter went on, shining with excitement. "This one's supposed to be almost a hundred pages long. Plus, if the rumors are true, Christine is going to come back to life and she and Sebastian are going to run away together!" Peter was so excited at the prospect that he actually clapped his hands. "Well, I'd better get to Hogsmeade," he added, taking a fistful of Galleons out of his trunk and stuffing them into the pockets of his robe. "If Flourish and Blotts is sold out, I'm absolutely going to kill myself. See you all later." He left.
Remus and Sirius stood there, staggered.
"What was that all about?" Remus said after the first few minutes of bamboozled silence.
"What'd he say it was called?" Sirius went to the desk and began scrabbling for pen and paper.
"The velvet curtain, I think," Remus said. "Why, does that mean something to you?"
Sirius stood up, flapping the parchment back and forth to dry the ink. "Not a thing. But you and I are going to the library to find out what exactly has got our Peter in such a tizzy."
Sirius and Remus did not fully understand what they were getting themselves into until they reached the common room and discovered half of Gryffindor House dancing on the tables, the girls wearing dresses with frilly skirts and quill-thin heels, the boys wearing suits in the Muggle fashion of three-quarters of a century ago. A banner hanging above the fireplace read, "A Night at the Golden Snail – 10 January 1976."
"What is going on here?" Sirius yelled above the chatter and the pulsating music, shoving his way through the crowd with Remus close behind.
Just then, somebody yelled, "Everybody can-can!" And everybody did. Sirius and Remus made a break for the door, gaining the hallway just in time to avoid being pierced by a thousand needle-sharp spike heels and whipped by a thousand frothy skirts.
Sirius slammed the portrait on the flailing chaos and they both took a deep, grateful breath.
"What in blazes was that?" said Remus.
The Fat Lady glared at them over top of a book which, Remus noticed, had a picture of a gently flapping curtain on its front cover. "Don't tell me you boys have never heard of the Golden Snail?" she said in an accusatory tone.
Sirius looked at Remus. "We'd better take the shortcut," he said.
Within ten minutes, they had arrived at the library. It was deserted except for Madam Pince, who was wearing another of the cloud-like dresses, along with violently red lipstick and haloes of blue shadow around each eye. Her mousy hair was secured on top of her head in reluctant curls. She was reading a book identical in appearance to the Fat Lady's. She leaped out of her chair when Sirius and Remus came in, and scurried back behind the desk.
"What do you two want?" she said, even more irritably then usual, and Madam Pince was always irritable.
"What's with the music?" Sirius said suspiciously. "You're always telling us – "
"We want to know if you have any books about a velvet curtain," Remus interrupted, hoping to stave off the impending fight.
He had said the right thing. Madam Pince's eyes widened, and her painted face took on an expression of utter devotion. "Are you fans, too?" she breathed.
"We wouldn't be asking for the books if we'd read them already," Sirius snapped.
Madam Pince sniffed. "Actually, most people read them multiple times. I've only read them five times, myself."
"But do you have them?" Remus said.
"I'm afraid not," she said, not looking very repentant. "All the copies of the first two have been out for weeks, and so are four of the five copies of the third book."
"Where's the fifth?" Sirius said.
Madam Pince picked up her book again and resumed reading. "You wouldn't want it anyway," she said. "You'd never be able to appreciate it."
"So where can we find them?" Remus said.
She didn't even look up. "You might try Hogsmeade," she said.
They didn't say a word until they were out in the hall.
"So," Sirius said. "Do you think we ought to go?"
Remus looked grim. "It can't be worse than the common room."
When they got to Hogsmeade and saw the line outside of Flourish and Blotts, which extended the entire length of Main Street, Remus admitted that he might have been wrong.
"Every witch and wizard from fifty miles around is here!" Sirius yelled. "What do you mean maybe we can't get the books?"
They skirted the line and went to the Three Broomsticks, with equally bad luck; there wasn't a single seat open in the place.
"The wait's only twenty minutes," Madam Rosmerta told them.
Sirius sighed. "We'd better not. Twenty minutes is twice my attention span."
Outside again, Sirius said, "This sucks pond water. I'm going back up to the castle. At least it's warm there."
"Okay, but I'm staying," Remus said. "I have to get some more parchment."
Sirius snorted. "Good luck."
In fact, Remus had no such intention. Sirius was turning seventeen a week from Tuesday, and Remus needed to buy him a present. Fortunately, he had already decided what to get, and he passed a pleasant half-hour waiting in line and picturing with increasing glee the mayhem probably taking place in Gryffindor Tower, what with the party in the common room and Peter skipping out of practice early, and all.
Eventually, Remus emerged onto the street clutching his package. He'd had nothing to eat that day, so he thought he'd go look for some food, and ended up browsing through a guitar store for an hour. He would have bought one, too, if he'd had more than a Galleon and a few Knuts on him. As it was, he emerged from the shop shaking his head, wondering what had possessed him. A guitar was something you begged your parents to get you as your one and only birthday present, not something you picked up in Hogsmeade on a whim.
So Remus went back to the castle, stopping by the kitchen for a snack, and approached the common room with an apprehension that was entirely unwarranted, since the place was deserted. "Maybe they finally got sick of it," Remus said to himself, proceeding to the dormitory.
There, it was considerably more lively. There were no less than seven students, all of whom Remus recognized as third years or younger, clustered outside their door. One or two of them even had sleeping bags.
"What is this?" Remus groaned. "I thought we disbanded the James Potter fan club."
"We're waiting for Peter to finish reading," one of them said.
"He told us we could have it after he was done," another of the mites added.
Remus didn't have to ask what. "Just please move away from the doorway so I can get in, thank you very much."
The mites obediently shifted and Remus went in.
"New cologne, James?" he said, wafting the fumes away from his nose as he shut the door.
"No, it's another infernal potion," James said from his position on the floor. "Say, could you hand me that magazine on the bed?"
Remus complied, and then went over to the desk where Sirius was carefully sifting eraser crumbs into his new cauldron.
"What's that do?" Remus said.
"It partially blocks your magic for a few hours."
"Dangerous stuff," Remus remarked.
Sirius smirked. "Particularly around test days. You get your parchment all right?"
Remus had almost forgotten about the package in his hand. "Fine, thanks," he said, moving over to his trunk so he could get it locked safely away before Sirius needed to borrow some. "By the way," he said, "who broke up the party?"
"Oh," James said, "they're just taking a break. I imagine they'll get started after supper with some real absinthe."
"You've read the books too, then?" Remus said.
"Of course not," James said. "Books are for wallies. But everyone knows all about them anyway. They're like the best-selling books in fifty years."
"Then how come I've never heard of them until today?" Remus said.
"Peter's been reading them all year," James said. "I would have thought you'd notice that, at least."
"I have other things to do besides catalogue Peter's reading material," Remus snapped.
"You talk about me like I'm not here," Peter said in a wounded voice, from behind his closed bed curtain.
"Those must be some trashy books if you have to hide behind your curtain to read them," Remus said.
"They are not!"
"Peter, they take place in a brothel, and the heroine is a cheap whore," James pointed out.
"She isn't cheap!"
"Shut up and read, Peter," shrilled one of the mites through the keyhole.
"You shut up, or I'll double the price," Peter bellowed. "And don't forget, one of you has to bring me supper."
"Couldn't you just go downstairs and read while you're eating?" Remus said, very quietly.
"I'd be mobbed," said Peter with miserable certainty. "I got the last freaking copy in the entire town, and there were still five trillion people in line to sign the waiting list."
"Shit," Remus said reverently. "That must be some book."
"Actually, I like the second one better, so far," Peter said.
"Don't spoil it for us, Peter."
"Pipe down out there or I'll let Sirius test his potion on you."
Remus began searching through his trunk. "Do any of you have a tux, or do I have to transfigure something?"
Later on, they all went down to supper. Actually only Remus and James went. Peter couldn't, and all the pipsqueaks but the one getting dinner were staying, so Sirius refused to leave his potion unattended with them nearby. Luckily, their absence went unnoticed since above half the students had decided to skip dinner that night. Presumably they were either attending parties of their own or trying to get hold of the elusive book.
Remus stuffed his pockets full of pastry and added a few extra for Sirius, then he and James went back upstairs to get ready for the party. They were disgusted to find that Peter had finished already and had let the first lucky pipsqueak into their room to read the book.
"I just can't trust these first years alone with my book," Peter said.
Remus snorted. This particular first year had cascades of wispy hair and wood-brown Bambi eyes. It was hard to imagine a pixie like her running off with Peter's book, much less reading it in the first place, if James was correct.
"I'll be in the prefects' bathroom," James said, making a hasty exit.
Remus swore. "Now I can't go till he's done. He always stinks the place up like cinnamon. I guess I'll have to try making a tux somehow."
"Are you going to the party?" said the waifish firsty, peering over top of the book.
"Yeah." Remus laid his best robe out on the bed.
"Are you going to be there a while?"
"Dunno," Remus said, hunting for his wand.
"Do you have a girlfriend?"
Remus looked around. He recognized a certain particular look in those guileless eyes. "No," he said. "But I do have a boyfriend."
Peter choked on his pastry.
"Who?" pursued the nymphet.
"Him," Remus said, pointing to Sirius, who also choked.
"You don't act like it," she said accusingly.
"It's a secret," Remus said. "What's your name, kid?"
"Ellie," she breathed. "Ellie Tweazel."
"Now listen, Ellie," he said, "nobody else in the world knows about this and I need you to keep very, very quiet about it. Don't tell a single person, okay? Will you do that?"
Ellie looked at him with adoring eyes. "Yeah," she said, "but only if you kiss me."
"What?" Remus yelped. "I can't do that."
Sirius stalked over, his goggles around his neck and powdered sugar all down his front from the pastries. "I'm the jealous type," he said calmly. "I might go into a murderous rage."
"Fine," Ellie said. "Dance with me at the party."
"Fine," Remus said. "If you'll shut up so I can transfigure this thing in peace."
"Remus," Sirius said, "we need to talk."
He folded his arms. "I'm listening."
"Not here," Sirius hissed.
"Where then?" Remus said. "Out in the hall?"
Sirius scowled. "Come on." He grabbed Remus's sleeve and propelled him out the door.
"Ooo," Ellie said, watching with round eyes. "Are they going to fight, or kiss, or both?"
"I hope not," Peter said, summoning the remainder of Sirius's pastries. "Now shut up and read."
They went into their bathroom, just across the hall. Sirius put a Silencing Charm on the door and then said, in a deadly voice, "What do you think you're doing?"
"I couldn't tell her I was single," Remus yelped. "She was looking at me like I was a Popsicle or something."
"You could have just told her you fancy boys," Sirius groaned. "Why involve me?"
"She would have made me kiss her otherwise," Remus said. "You didn't see the look in her eyes. It was positively predatory."
"One kiss wouldn't have killed you."
"No, but I'd rather my first kiss wasn't in front of my friends."
Silence in the bathroom.
"You're kidding me, right?"
Remus shook his head minutely.
"No way," Sirius said. "We have got to do something about that."
"Are you volunteering?" Remus snapped. "You could probably use the experience too."
Sirius went red. "I'll just tell Ellie we broke up."
"That'll never work," Remus said. "Not only would I have to kiss her, but then she'd think I'm single."
"You are single."
"Shut up. I just don't want her stalking me for the rest of the year."
"Yeah, well, I don't want to go out with you for the rest of the year," Sirius said.
"Shit," Remus said. "Do you think she'd keep quiet if you kissed her?"
"There's no way around it, Remus. We have to break up, and you have to kiss her."
"We're not going out."
"Shut up." Sirius pushed him toward the door. "Act one, scene one, the unfaithful lover."
Remus shoved the bathroom door open and howled, "You heartless bastard!" as he ran for their room.
"Remus, please," Sirius whined. "Give me one more chance."
Remus wrenched the door handle. It was locked. "I'm through with you forever, you cheating scum," he yelled into the keyhole.
Sirius caught him by the waist from behind and Remus twisted around. "You still want me," Sirius breathed, smelling sweetly of pastry and potion.
"This isn't – " In the script, he was about to say, when Sirius kissed him. Just brushed his lips, really, but it was enough to make Remus go limp from shock.
"Woah," said one of the munchkins.
Suddenly aware of their audience, Remus pushed Sirius away, and Sirius let him. "Don't do that," Remus said.
The door swung open.
"What in the deuce?" said Peter.
Remus darted in. "Don't let him in," he said, and shut the door on Sirius and the munchkins.
"What is going on?" Peter said, following Remus back into the room.
"I don't want to talk about it," Remus said shortly.
"Did you break up?" Ellie said.
"Yes," Remus said. "Listen, if I kiss you, will you promise to keep quiet and leave me alone?"
"Yeah," she said, "but you still have to dance with me."
"Fine," Remus said, and kissed her.
"That wasn't too bad," she said judiciously.
"Glad you liked it," Remus snapped, thinking that even this munchkin had gotten more action than he had, up until about five minutes ago. Fuming, he turned his attention to his robe.
Meanwhile, Sirius was trying to repair damages out in the hall. "What would it take for all of you to keep quiet?" he said wearily.
The runts exchanged looks. This lot was a cunning one, Sirius knew, or else they wouldn't have been there. "Make us each a Love Potion," one of them said.
"You know those're against school rules, right?" Sirius said.
"So's boys kissing boys," one of the runts said, and all of them snickered appreciatively.
"Fine," Sirius said. "But it'll take me a while. I don't have all the ingredients. Come see me in two months and I'll have it for you."
"Two months?" another one said.
"It takes six weeks to finish the potion," Sirius said with forced patience. "That's if you want it to work, of course."
"Two months, then," a third runt said. "And it better be good."
"You got it, Romeo," he said, and went into the bathroom.
Five minutes later, Remus came out of the room, carrying a tuxedo, and went into the bathroom. The runts giggled in chorus.
"I'm in here," Sirius said hollowly from behind the shower curtain.
"Don't come out then, I'm changing," Remus said.
"Are you mad?"
Remus considered. "You didn't have to kiss me," he said.
"You were going to say something," Sirius said. "You were going to spoil it."
"That's because you hugged me," Remus said. "You didn't have to do that."
"I was trying to make it seem real."
"Well, good work," Remus said. "That bunch in the hall sure believed it, and they'll probably tell the whole school."
"No they won't," Sirius said. "I'm making them Love Potion to shut them up."
"That's against the rules," Remus said.
"Oh, is it?" Sirius said. "Maybe I'd better offer them some Swelling Solution instead."
"No need to be such an ass about it," Remus said.
"Listen, I'm the one making illicit potions to cover your butt, I think I'm entitled to be an ass."
"You make illicit potions every day of your life," Remus said, giving his tie a violent tug. "And they sure aren't for me."
"Can I come out now?" Sirius said petulantly. "My illicit potion needs stirring."
"See if I care."
Sirius shoved the curtain aside and stomped across the bathroom. "You might want to wear some shoes with that," he said.
"I know that," Remus yelled as the door slammed. "Bastard," he muttered, wrenching the door open just in time to see Sirius disappear into their dorm.
The runts were still there, and they were still giggling.
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Still later, in the common room. Remus was holding a mug of sparkling green giddiness. He was done dancing for the evening, his tie and coat both shed, the top two buttons of his shirt undone. Heat flooded his face. He was burning up in one long, spectacular trail of starlight.
Then he thought the music stopped, and the ceiling opened, and an angel came down balanced on a rope. She opened her mouth and she said, "The French are glad to die for love."
And then the trumpets shimmered, she sang and she sparkled like her song and then, he thought, she sashayed over to him and she said, like the raw edge of silk, "I believe you've been expecting me." Of course; he had been waiting for this moment all his life. They danced and shazam, they were twirling in the clouds on top of an elephant and he was singing to her, something about the sun and these words and her eyes, and she pulled away and laughed and kissed him and then there was darkness.
Remus woke up, lying on top of his covers, still wearing his transfigured tux. The sunlight was so bright that it lit up the heavy red darkness inside his curtains.
He sat up and nausea swilled around his head. He opened the curtains and there was another pipsqueak stretched out on the carpet, reading the book that he had not yet known about twenty-four hours and that had already tilted his world on its axis.
"I had a weird dream last night," Remus said to Peter, the only one of his roommates in view. "That absinthe makes you see stuff."
"So you danced with her," Peter said, just a hint of jealousy.
"Who?"
"Christine," he and the pipsqueak chorused. "The Sparkling Cubic Zirconium," Peter added.
"That was her?" said Remus.
"Actually, it was Viola Cunningham, in seventh year," Peter said. "But she did a good job, don't you think?"
"And you made a pretty good Sebastian," added the pipsqueak.
Remus groaned. "I think I kissed her."
"You were supposed to," Peter said severely. "I would hope you did."
"I need to read those books," he said. "Can you lend me yours?"
"Yes, of course," Peter said. "I won't even make you pay."
"Thanks," Remus said.
For the rest of that short day, Remus read. He finished the first two, went for a blustery walk around the lake, came back and read the third one when the last of the pipsqueaks had finally finished it. Around five-thirty, he sat up, pushed aside his curtains, and announced dramatically to the room, "I am ready to live and die for love."
"Excellent," Peter said, accepting his book back. "Welcome to the cult of true believers."
"Is that where you've been all day?" James said. "You haven't even changed."
"That's right," Remus said. "What time is it? I have to go get something in Hogsmeade." He began shuffling through his trunk.
"Not those books," James said.
"No, no, I'll get the books later," Remus said. "This is something quite different."
"Supper's in half an hour," Sirius said severely from his potions lab. "You'll miss it if you go now."
"This is more important than food," Remus said dismissively, pulling on his shoes.
"It must be those books," James muttered.
Sirius walked over, stood in front of Remus, and gently placed a Freezing Charm on him, welding his fingers to his shoes with a thin sheet of ice.
"Now listen to me," Sirius said pleasantly. "Right now I want you to go take a shower and change and then come down to supper with us, which still leaves you with five hours to do your Defense, Potions and Transfiguration tonight. What would it take," he said, "to get you to do that?"
Remus looked up at Sirius. It hurt his neck. "I want you to read the books," he said. "All three of them. I don't care when, just sometime."
"You've got a deal," Sirius said. "I swear it on my bubbling cauldron."
"And I swear it on my still-beating heart," Remus said. A gush of warmth on his fingers and the ice melted, making a wet spot on the carpet. Remus shook the sparkling drops off his fingers and dried them on his pants. He stood, and dug a change of clothes out of his trunk.
"I'll be back in twenty minutes," he said. "Don't leave without me." He left; the bathroom door banged and soon the shower was hissing.
Peter had the books piled on his nightstand. The curtain on the topmost one was undulating slowly. James looked at them and said, "Whatever's in there must be some powerful magic."
"Oh," Peter said, "it is."
Remus went downstairs with them, and the minute he appeared in the doorway all of Gryffindor House (all of it that was there) rose to its feet screaming, "Sebastian!" Remus bowed, blew a kiss, sat down between Sirius and Peter and ate everything that Sirius piled on his plate. He went obediently back upstairs with them, and Sirius cleaned off the desk, balancing his new number-five cauldron on the windowsill and risking draughts that could destroy his potion, so Remus could do his homework. Remus went to bed and got up and went to class, and the moment Transfiguration was over he brought out his broom, scraped together all his gold and went haring off to Hogsmeade.
It was not books he brought back, but a guitar.
%%%
Acknowledgments:
I am indebted to the makers of the latest Muppet Christmas movie, which includes a wonderfully funny parody of Moulin Rouge (Satine = Saltine!) and which inspired me to do the same thing. I am also indebted to the countless people who have contributed to Pottermania (that would include me, I guess). Also, thanks to my sister, who made me change the dream to make it more random/less disturbing.
Thank you also to those who reviewed the first part. It's nice to know you still love Potter and them. For all of you out there in reader-land, here's a Q & A to resolve your most burning questions.
Whatever happened to Oliver Wood?
Oliver is on hold indefinitely. I have to work through my Black and Lupin obsessions first.
Why did you skate by the Whomping Willow incident?
Because I don't want to mess with the biggies, i.e. the Map, the Animagi transformations, the Whomping Willow. I am considering writing deleted scenes for the DVD special edition, though, so perhaps it will appear in there.
What's up with the party scene?
I tried some of Remus's absinthe.
What are your plans for the rest of the story?
None, really, but I have enough ideas to fill up at least three more parts.
Why did this part take so long?
Two reasons. I'm a lazy bum, and I was worried about negative reactions to The Kiss. Prove me wrong, please.
Why are these chapters 500 words shorter than those in Short Guide?
Damn wide-rule paper.
How can I send you Valentines/Howlers/envelopes full of Bubotuber pus?
E-mail cornishpixie4@hotmail.com, or just review.
