Three Rings of the Elven-kings under the sky

Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their Halls of Stone Nine for Mortal Men Doomed To Die One of the Dark Lord on his Dark Throne In the Land of McMordor, where the cookers lie One Ring to Rule them All, One Ring to Find Them One Ring to Bring them All, and in the Darkness Deep-Fry Them In the Land of McMordor, where the cookers lie.

The Lord of the Onion Rings

By Shadowiii and Mr. B

The original book was written by Tolkien, but he's old and dead and probably doesn't care anyway. Its not like I'm going to go to his gravestone and ask, "Hey man, can I use your book for an inspiration for a bunch of stupid blather?" I could be waiting for DAYS for a reply, for crying out loud! Then how would I ever get this story done?! Sheesh.
Prologue: Concerning Boppits, and other stuff no one cares about

This book is largely concerned with Boppits, and from its pages you'll probably learn nothing about Boppit history and a lot about how you are glad you are not one. If you want further information, take this to the Library of Congress and ask for the "Secret Surprise" and tell them the password: "I have a bomb in my pocket so hand over all your money." When the police arrive, don't resist and instead say the second password, "I'm guilty." After which, you'll have a few years of peace and quiet to realize that you have been scammed into acting like an idiot in front of the United States. Ha ha!

Erm.uh.anyway.

Boppits are an unobtrusive but very ancient people, more numerous formerly than they are today; because of two simple reasons: Fast food, and the fact that they look like lilliputions. The first will be dealt with during the story, however, so lets turn to the fact that these guys look like a bunch of people who's legs were sawed off by a magician but never replaced. The original of Boppits is unknown, however, they were originally known to be vicious warriors and supreme masters of the art of pillow fighting. To become a Shakanoapellowai master (that's Boppit for 'Where's the nearest sleepover?'), a young Boppit would first have to go through rigorous training, usually starting at around age 3 and a half. They would perform tasks including jumping on their bed, throwing stuffed animals and other harmless projectiles at passing travelers, and sleeping in. After a few decades they would be promoted and begin rigorous training atop ponies. Pillow jousting was a popular sport back in the days of yore (yore who? Your Momma! HHAAA GETS ME EVERY TIME!), and involved two Boppits atop ponies riding towards each other then bashing each other will a pillow. Rounds could last for years at a time, not because pillows couldn't do damage to a housefly, but because the Boppits arms were too short to reach each other. It usually ended when one passed out from exhaustion from holding the pillow for so long.

The Boppit empire, which consisted of about 7000 Boppits over 2 square miles, was eventually invaded by the world of Men. Men, known to the Boppits as "Those tall, skinny guys," were bigger and clumsier then Boppits. But, for some unknown reason, even though the Men were outnumbered 7000 to 1, almost the entire Boppit population fell that day, simply because of the fact that pillows are a useless defence against swords.

After that dreadful day, Boppits decided to forge an alliance. After trying to forge one from iron failed, they decided to write up an alliance with the world of Men. The Men were more than willing to have Boppits on their side, but, sadly, the next time a siege came around, the Boppits were usually run over by a speeding horsemen, and in the process this caused their pillows to get all muddy, lowering the moral of the Boppits because they had to sleep on them that very night. That was very uncomfortable. So, after years of working for the world of Men, boppits decided to branch out on their own. They moved to Boppiton, in an area known as the Shire. After kicking out the locals, they formed a peaceful community and dissapeared from the world of Men, remaining only as legends and in a very ugly picture on a tapestry in the king's basement. However, they weren't forgotten. Even long after their extinction (or should I say assimiliation), Mattel produced a toy making the name of Boppits immortal. The toy is called the Bop-It.

But enough about that, lets get on with the show!