Chapter 2: The Shadow of the Past
Talk about Bulbus' disappearance didn't die in nine days, or ninety-nine days; it was talked about all over the land for exactly one year and one day, and remembered longer than that. It became the Boppit children's favorite fireside tales to hear about Crazy Bulbus who would evaporate into flying muskrats and than appear again with bags of flower-wilting onion rings. Most of the adult Boppits grew to believe that Bulbus had gone crackers and got drowned off in the wild blue yonder. Nerdo maintained Bulbus' End to the best of his abilities, and always celebrated his and Bulbus' birthday. Most folks commented on this but he always defended himself by saying that he didn't think Bulbus had died.
Alf the wizard hadn't been seen in the Shire for a long time and most folks thought he had quitted the area entirely.
Nerdo soon began to exhibit some signs of his uncle's peculiarities.

Nerdo walked into the door. "Hello, em, Andember. I would like, uh, to by some gold."
Andember Fatbelly looked up. He was the local goldsmith. "Ah yes, young Nerdo. My favorite customer! Of course! How much do you want?"
Nerdo looked at the displays. "Duh...uh...*snort* Like, maybe a pound. Is that enough?"
Andember nodded in amazement. "Yes, of course. How are you going to pay for this?"
"Do you , like, take Mastercard?"
"Sorry. How about an instalment plan?"
"Well, I was, uh, hoping to pay for it all, like, here." Nerdo fished his wallet out of his pocket and layed a number of bills on the counter.
Andember was amazed. "I didn't know they made them in those denomintations."
Nerdo laughed. "They were, uh, made especialy for me. I think."
"Well, here's your gold."
"And, like, here's your money."
Nerdo walked out of the shop holding the gold and with a well-pleased expression on his face.

When he got home, Nerdo entered his living room to find Spam, Hairy, and Spittin' engaged in an exotic celebration involving wine, beer, poker cards, and ornate combat pillows. Hairy and Spittin' were throwing the pillows, the beer, and the stray inkwell at each other - most of which landed in a large pile halfway between the combatants in the center of the room. Spam was standing in the extinguished fireplace with his head and shoulders up the chimney, singing.
BEER, BEER, HOW DO I LOVE THEE, LET ME COUNT THY WAYS,
I LOVE THE STICKY FEELING WHEN I POUR YOU DOWN MY FACE,
AND WHEN I GET MY WELLFARE CHECK, I GUZZLE YOU IN TRAYS,
JUST DON'T PUT MY BREATH A-FIRE, OR YOU'LL SET THE ROOM ABLAZE!

At each line of the song, the two pillow fighters launched their weapons at each other, alternating between sticking out their tongues and shouting mocking insults at each other.
"Hey, uh, guys? Could you, uh...uh..." Nerdo scratched his head. It was a long word. "...like, procrastinate...uh...for a while? I...uh...yeah..."
"Howdeedoodeeday, Nerdo!" Spam shouted, dislodging some soot, "We're having a big, fat, par-tay!"
Spittin' turned to Nerdo and threw a random inkwell, "WATCH YOUR FACE!! Haw haw, you didn't watch fast enough."
With all his might, Hairy threw an elaborately jeweled combat cushion at Spittin'. It joined its fellows in the center of the room. "Aw, nuts. WALLnuts, haw haw... Say Nerdo, Spittin' has something he wants to tell you."
Spittin' drew himself up to his full height of 1.18 meters and puffed out his chest proudly. "Nerdo, I went up a level, an' now I'm a level 5 pillow ninja! I get my own embroidered pillow an' nightstand an' parade an' just about everything! YARRRR!!!!"
Nerdo didn't know what to say. "I don't...uh...know what to say. That's totally, like...ya know."
"We're having a little party!" Hairy squeaked. "We knew you wouldn't mind. Besides, it covers up last week's party, so now you won't have to look at it."
"Uh...that rocks...so...what's cooking?"
"Me." Spam shouted promptly, dislodging some more soot.

About three years after Bulbus' memerable disappearance party, Alf suddenly began visiting again.

BLAMBLAMITTYBOOMKAPOW!
Nerdo looked up from his newspaper. He was sitting in his sitting room with his three friends; Spam Flabby, Hairy, and Spittin'. "Who's bangin' my, like, door? What's, uh, the meaning of this?" He got up and opened it. The outside surface of the door was charred and smoking; charcoal and soot lay in a fine powder all over the front walk. A lone, frizzled figure (obvously the victim of a backlash of a magical nature) stood there, nervously muttering faint prayers and patting out burning clothing. Nerdo's jaw dropped.
"Duh! It's, like, Alf! Hi, Alf!"
Alf stood surounded by smoke. "Hello, Nerdo. How are you?"
"Uh, pretty good. How are you?"
"Pretty good."
Nerdo stood there trying to think of something. "Uh, won't you come in?"
"Thanks." He sat down in Nerdo's chair. "I've discovered a new magic ring thing."
Everyone stood up except Spam, Hairy, and Spittin'.
"Uh, please come over here, Alf." Nerdo lead the way into another room. "You don't say?"
"Yes. I havn't actualy tried it yet, but I think it should work. It's my newest invention, realy."
"I, uh, I hate to be tedious, but you do owe me money."
"And so you want me to make a new ring."
"Duhhh, like, yah."
"First, I'll need a gold ring."
"Won't copper do? We, like, go through so many gold ones."
"No, only gold will work, Nerdo."
Nerdo was crestfallen. He pulled his newest ring out of his pocket. It was a gold ring with a picture of a ring carved on it. He liked rings. "Uh, here, Alf."
Alf took the ring and placed it on the floor. Then he pulled a chair up right to it. "If this works, I'll have penetrated a whole new field." He seemed struck with a thought. "I could become a published auther!"
"What kind of field, Alf?" Nerdo felt nervous.
Alf sat down in the chair and closed his eyes. "Be quiet now. I'm concentrating."
"What are you, like, concentrating?"
"Hush."
Nerdo walked over to the door and sat down in front of it. Looking at the wizard, he felt a strange sensation. He felt like...he felt like he wanted to...he felt...suddenly, he didn't feel like anything. A fifth-and-a-half sense told him that the wizard had something to do with what he wasn't feeling. He didn't feel anything for the next seven minutes.
Alf opened his mouth. "Alakazam! Abrakadabra! Hocuspocus! Please! Thank-you! You're welcome!" He stood up and opened his eyes. "That's over with." He picked up the ring and gave it to Nerdo.
"Did something happen, Alf?"
"I'll say. I feel like I've been licking a car battery." Alf stuck out his tongue and felt it. "But I didn't, realy."
"So what happened?"
"I have developed a Vibe concentator."
"Vibe?"
"Vibes are a field that surrounds us and perminates us." Alf rubbed his chin. "That's as far as I've gotten."
"And this ring, is the Vibe concentrator?"
"Yes."
"So wat'l it do?"
"It makes your vibes much, much stronger. By an order of several magnitudes."
"Yes. But practicaly, like, what will it do?"
"This one will only magnify certain vibes. If you wear it and eminate Baldness Vibes, then you will in fact actualy become bald."
"Dude! Is it, like, reversable?"
"Of course. Juest stop eminating Baldness Vibes."
"So what'l it do for me besides, like, making me look as old as Uncle Bulbus?"
"If you wear this ring and his ring, you should become entirely invisible."
"No duh?"
"None whatsoever."
Nerdo chuckled to himself. "That's, like, rad."

That night, Nerdo and the wizard Alf sat beside the hearth and basked in the last light of the embers. Alf through in a few more logs.
Nerdo held the newly enchanted ring in his hand. It felt very special. "This ring...uh...it feels very very special."
"I know. That's because it is special. Have you tried it on yet?"
"No." Nerdo shrugged. "You try it on."
The wizard blanched. "NO! That is, you see, I, erm, *cough*, It might make my beard perminantly invisible, and then, er, it would be difficult to shave."
"Oh."
Alf stood looking at the fire so that Nerdo couldn't see his face. "Well, Nerdo. The time has come to tell all."
"All?" Nerdo was confused.
"Yes. All. All about your Uncle Bulbus's ring."
"You mean, like, its story?"
"Exactly." Alf leaned back. "A long time ago, there was a serious war between the Dark Lord Sauroff with his slugs, and the Elves, Dwarves, Humans, etc. Eventualy Sauroff was killed and his magic ring was taken from his finger. The guy who took it should have destroyed it, but he didn't. As you know, it makes it's wearer invisible. This guy wore it and tried to make a detour around a group of slugs, but the ring betrayed him and fell off of his finger. The slugs shot him and he died. For a long time after that, the ring, the one ring, lay at the bottom of the river. Finaly, a small, distant relative of a Boppit found it only to have his cousin immediately kill him and take it. The cousin's name was Gurgle."
"What?" Cried Nerdo. "Not the Gurgle Uncle Bulbus got the ring from?"
"The same Gurgle. And now the enemy, Sauroff, wants the ring back. And we're not going to let him have it, right?"
"We arn't? No, we arn't! Never!" Gulped Nerdo. "Why does he want it?"
"Well, a long time ago, the Elves made magic rings..."
"Dude! Is that where you got your ring makin' stuff from?"
"I wish. Anway, nobody knew that Sauroff was bad then, and so the Elves let him help them make the magic rings. After they were done, he made his own magic ring that was able to control all the others. That is the ring currently around your neck."
"Like, how can you be sure?"
For answer, Alf ripped the ring of Nerdo's neck and threw it in the fire. Nerdo tried to grab the ring but only burnt his fingers. After a few minutes, Alf recovered the ring from the coals and carelessly held it in the palm of his hand.
"You see, Nerdo, the ring isn't even hot."
"No..."
"There's writing on it."
"What's it say?"
"It says..." Alf cleared his throat. "...it says, 'one ring to rule them, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness deep fry them'."
"That's scary." Nerdo shivered.
"I think I have a job for you."
"What's that?"
"You must face impossibe odds, take this ring to Mount Boom in the middle of Sauroff's mighty kingdom, and toss it into the Crack of Boom."
"Will it be very dangerous?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact...just a minute." Alf hurrind to the window, reached out, and bodily pulled Spam Flabby into the room. "What were you doing, Spam?"
Spam squocked. "I was only trimmin' the lawn, if you take my meaning, sir." He held up a pair of gardening shears.
Alf glared at him. "It's two A.M. Spam."
"Well...I wanted to get an early start." Spam grinned until he saw the look on Alf's face.
Alf dropped Spam on the carpet. "You were eavesdropping. I'm going to punish you by sending you with Nerdo."
It was only now that a look of serious alarm spread across Spam's face. "Me? Go with Nerdo? To see the Elves and all? All the way? To Mount Boom? All the way back? The whole way?"
"Well, he can leave you there if you want."
Spam giggled suddenly. "I'm going with Nerdo!"
"I'm glad this is settled."
Nerdo stood up and motioned to Spam. "We'd better, like, get packing."