A/N GAH! I know I haven't updated in a long ass time. So here's a DADA class in Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings style. I needed some time to think. Oh, and the teacher's Lupin just because he's such an animal. Rowr.

Disclaimer: I own nothing T_T

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Last chapter Draco was snogging Dean right after he ate onions so this chapter should be about defence against dwarves. Everyone settled into the classroom with Remus Lupin as the instructor. He was here to instruct the little perverts, I mean innocent children how to defend against dwarves. Duh, I just said that. Pay attention.

"It's a written rule so I'm going to have to ask you prev- children why I should be teaching this lesson."

"Because you said so?"

"Good enough for me. Now we're going to be smacking dwarves. Why dwarves you ask?-"

"I didn't."

"Next person who speaks out of turn will have detention with Snape."

The class went dead silent.

"Always works... Anyways it's only Dwarves instead of the usual Orcs because Dwarves are small and can't be squished. Orcs are big and ugly and they smell worse than dwarves. And I had a little run in with an orc once..."

Uhhhhhhh... I'm not even going to say it. Let your sick perverted mind figure out the rest.

"Now get out your wands and say 'Expecto Bigo Hammerus' A giant hammer should appear in place of your wand. No, not a piece of ham. Though it might distract the dwarves it won't work as well."

The class got out their wands and said 'Expecto Bigo Hammerus' several people came crashing down from the weight of their hammers, and some got pieces of ham... And everyone expect Hermione started slamming the dwarves on the head with their hammer. Those less fortunate were chased by the dwarves because they had big pieces of ham. Lupin stood up and shouted.

"I thought I told you that dwarves can't be squished! You have to squash them. Like this."

He help up his hammer and slammed it into the side of the dwarf instead of on top.

"Ohhhhh."

The class continued, along with Hermione. All the girls and Dean screamed whenever a dwarf exploded. The dwarves that were still alive after the lesson were allowed to go see the house elves and do stuff... Some really sick and twisted people took the dwarves and snuggled with them because they were waist high. People these days. They'll do anything for a good shag.

Draco discovered that Dean was just a gay guy but continued the snogging as it was v. v. entertaining and a good way to ward off the prissy girls. Hermione found Harry to be disturbingly attractive in his Hobbit capris and made Ron and Snape very jealous. Snape took the rest of the week off to rest his erm... manliness. Lupin turned into a werewolf and gobbled down the rest of the dwarves but hairy beards leave a strange aftertaste so he gobbled down some of Snape's secret stash of...things.

At dinner, all the students were getting hairier and found it hard to stop scratching their feet. Some of the elves got loose and started stealing make-up and brushes. Lupin and Minerva soon found them in the girl's bathroom giving each other facials and joined in on the fun. The whole school, except Snape, went to sleep and the spell ended. Reminder that the spell was for everything to be Lord of the Rings style and not perverted style, so all that shagging and snogging was real.

Now, where's that damned Sabrina and her implanted wand? I need to see her about an anime spell.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A/N was that ok? Hope so. R&R