Chapter 3:

So our hero's loved ones really did love him.

(Did that make sense? Probably not.)

The Boy Who Lived thus joined the Scholar and the Runaway.

The only two surviving members of the greatest Mischief-makers known.

Oh hell, what did I do to him?

Motorcycle.

"WHOO-HOO!" Harry yelled as he climbed on the bike.

"See, Moony, I told you he'd love it. I missed her too. My baby." Sirius ran his hand possessively along the fuel tank. Harry slapped it away, caressing the bike himself.

"I used to dream about this bike."

Lupin grew even paler than usual. "Sirius, didn't I tell you not to take him out on it-"

"They were such great dreams. You used to take me out?" Sirius nodded. "Then maybe I remember you. Professor, why are you so nervous?"

"Because Siri took you with him when he went for beer runs!"

"Aha! That explains why there was always someone yelling 'BOOOOZZE!' in the background."

"He was reckless sober, Harry!"

Sirius patted Lupin's back. "Don't get yer panties in a twist."

"I do not wear panties."

"Right then. Hop off for a sec, mate, I need to drive her home first." Harry nodded. He counted. Two seats. Three people. He counted again, but found that his basic math skills had indeed been correct the first time. "How will we fit?"

"Oh, I'll just apparate home."

"Oh no you don't, Remus! You are going to learn to love this bike if it kills me!" Remus and Harry looked confused.

"Don't you mean until it kills me?" Remus asked suddenly.

"No! Moony'll eat me alive before you love this thing."

"Then why do you waste your time, Sirius?" Harry asked. Lupin put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't even question it, Harry, the man is the biggest bloody fool you will ever meet."

"Ah."

"If we're done debating my intellectual capabilities, Harry can have the backseat and Moony can sit in my lap."

"Are you sure, Sirius?"

"That would be a little uncomfortable for you, wouldn't it, Siri?"

Sirius scoffed. "Get on the damn bike." He scooted back a little, patting his thighs. Harry climbed behind him and gripped his waist for support. Remus sighed, climbing on. "I hate this, Sirius Black."

"Don't pull that on me, Remy, not when you were the one holding Harry and screaming along with me." He blushed. Sirius punched his shoulder. "Admittedly, you got pretty damned air sick some times."

"Wolves belong on the ground."

"Oh? Well, this dog was meant to fly!" He revved it loudly and sped down the drive. Harry let out a wail of excitement that resonated melodically with Remus's yelp of unadulterated fear. Sirius kicked them off the ground, getting louder screams from both of them. Remus was clutching Sirius tightly in fear, but Harry had let go, hands on the sides of the seat as he looked down.

"Like a big broom," he remarked.

"Better!" Sirius laughed. "Hey! We should play Quidditch when we get back!"

"Oh no no brooms." Harry noticed that the usually sickly Lupin had turned an exceptionally odd shade of green, and had oddly lost all function of spoken commas. "Can you play?"

"Sure as hell can! Remy here sucks though. He can get up fine, but."

~~~FLASHBACK~~~

First flying lesson: Sirius was a giddy idiot like usual.

James was calm, collected, and beaming.

Lily was having very little difficulty with hers.

Peter was slow and bumbling, but he was certainly flying.

The Slytherins.

Crabbe and Goyle were tossing Avery between them while LeStrange threw small rocks from his pockets for Snape and Malfoy to catch.

Everyone else could get it, but not poor Remus Lupin.

Oh, sure, he'd gotten it off the ground- had been the first, actually. But once it rose and he'd mounted it, he'd started sobbing and screaming in fear. So while the others zipped around, little Remus just hovered there hugging the broom for dear life, even if it was only four feet off the ground.

~~~END~~~

Harry was amazed. He'd never met anyone so amazingly bad at flying before- Even Neville could move the broom.

"Did you really, Professor?" Lupin didn't say anything, he just leaned over the side and hurled.

Sirius and Harry watched, amazed. "...Hungry, Harry?"

"Actually, a little bit."

"How can you two talk about eating?!" Remus wailed.

"Oh, it's easy. Like saying the sky is a beautiful shade of blue- As it quickly whips past us!- and the birds are singing softly in my ear- Think if I swerve to run into them it'll shut them up, Harry?- And there you go again, Remus, I can't believe you get so damn sick!"

~~WARNING! WE INTERRUPT OUR SERENE STORY ~Moony hurls again~ TO ANNOUCE THAT THE WRITER OF THIS STORY HAS BEEN GRANTED PERMISSION TO MAKE "HARRY POTTER" INTO A SCI-FI ACTION THRILLER! WE HOPE YOU ENJOY~~

Suddenly the happy sky around them was filled with small alien spacecraft.

"Oh no, not again!" Sirius yelled, suddenly wearing a tight black pilot suit.

"Harry, hit the after thrusts!"

Harry pointed in front of Sirius. "It's right there."

"Ah, yes! Remus, get out the ionic laser-like sub-particle beam weapon wave gun blaster!"

Remus, now a man with pointy wolf ears and a tail, leaned over the side of the bike again.

"Oh shit! Our gunner has come down with airsickness again! Harry, you take over the guns!"

"Better yet, can I fly?"

Sirius laughed. "No, of course not!"

The lead spaceship hovered in front of them. Remus raised his head up and looked directly at it. "Oh shit oh shit oh shit I'm gonna die." he mumbled, scratching his new ears with the back of his foot.

The UFO opened and a small alien thing came out. It was half human, half jittery, and half woozy. "Do youse guys know where we c'n find a Mr. Ben Dover?"

"Ben Dover? Who's Ben Dover?"

"Okay!" The alien bent over and smiled.

Sirius clapped, marveled at the alien's witty- or not- joke, Remus was back to his usual aerial standards and Harry just groaned.

"We shall come to take over your world with our deadliest weapon!" He held up a CD player/AM/FM radio boom box.

"Dear Lord Harry! Help me get that thing away from him!"

"Sirius, if you could afford to buy me a Firebolt two years ago, you can certainly afford a Wal-Mart brand radio."

"But think of the devastating ways that could be used!"

"Like, oh, to play music?"

"Not just any music, Human! A special mix we made to destroy the human race!"

Harry was shocked. What kind of disastrous music could do that? He imagined the alien wailing being sent across the airwaves, a hidden message going inside and melting the brains of the poor souls, both Muggle and Wizard. Although admittedly he kinda wanted to watch Dudley and Malfoy go through it, and Sirius was thinking the same thing about Snape. Remus just wanted Dramamine.

The alien smiled as he played the CD in his hand. Suddenly, every radio in the world snapped on, playing loudly "My Heart Will Go On".

Sirius and Harry covered their ears and screamed, and even Remus joined in.

"You fiend!" Sirius yelled over the music.

"What the hell is this?" Harry cried.

"Our special mix we made to destroy the human race! Celine Dion, Cher, Faith Hill, Phil Collins, Eddie Arnold and of course-" He changed the song. "- The Macarena!"

"AHHHHHHHHH!" they all screamed.

"I have no choice!" Sirius yelled, "I have to blow us up for the sake of the world!"

"Why not just use your wand?" Sirius blinked.

"Oh. Yeah. Wand." He pulled out a small chicken. "WHAT IS THIS?!" It clucked at him.

The alien gasped. "He has the sacred bird of our people!" The other aliens all stare in awe.

"What, this?" Sirius waved the bird as it pecked his fingers.

"If you give me that bird, we promise to leave your planet in peace!"

"No! Break that damned CD!"

The alien leapt, grabbing Sirius's hand. "Give the bird here!"

"Get your filthy paws off me, you damned dirty- what the hell are you, anyway?"

"A Lippali Pallipa."

"A Lallapaloopa?"

Harry was sick of this. He wanted to spend a nice vacation with his Godfather and his favorite teacher, and he was going to, dammit! He grabbed the alien. "Hi. I'm Ben Dover."

The alien did so. Harry hit him over the head with Remus, who was trying to figure out why the hell he had a tail but no paws.

The alien fell. "Let's go home."

Sirius held the chicken still. "But I wand my wand back."

Remus, gasping for air, finally looked at Sirius with a look of complete confusion. "But your wand was snapped before you went to Azkaban, Siri. Almost fourteen years ago."

Sirius scratched his head. "It was?" He looked at the chicken. "It was, wasn't it? Then how did I get this thing?" Harry sighed.

This was not how his vacation was supposed to happen.