Disclaimer: This is where the Slash starts. On the plus side, it's comedy,
not romance or angst or drama, so mostly it'll just be sex jokes, and I
like making sex jokes.
Chapter 4:
Our hero is suffering quite the trial for his patience.
Lucky him he actually likes the poor sods.
Perhaps he shall over come this.
Perhaps this hardship will make him stronger.
Who am I trying to fucking kid here?
Party.
"What the hell was with those alien things?" Harry asked Sirius as they suddenly were back in their normal clothing. Except for Remus, who now had a far-too-cute headband with wolf ears and a fake tail.
The Sci-Fi had been low budget after all.
Remus Lupin's aerial charades had not changed in the slightest to Harry's chagrin.
Sirius turned to the boy on his back. "What do you mean aliens? What the hell are those?"
Harry sighed. He noticed that Sirius too had gained a costume, a black leather collar that said "Padfoot" on a small gold circle. He sighed again. Typical Sirius- or at least, it might have been. Harry was, after all, a second generation Marauder.
Sirius laughed. "Wanna listen to music, Moony?"
As Remus was too far on the other side to answer, Sirius took that as a yes. He turned on the radio.
"And in current events, a group of aliens have come to Earth to try to take over the world!"
"Huh! Listen to that, eh Moony, Harry was right."
"i feel soo sick."
"Good Moony."
The radio continued. "They tried to use a CD compilation album to ruin the minds of our people, but it backfired when suddenly it became the number 1 easy listening hit album. They have opted to control us by our economy instead."
"Well! Can you imagine that, Harry?"
"Please don't tell me there are Muggles who enjoy that stuff."
"I know!" Heavy metal began to play loudly over Sirius's small speakers.
"So how's your summer been, kid?"
Harry groaned. "I practically live in a cupboard."
"Really?"
"Well, not anymore. But it's rather dull. How was yours? Anything big?"
"Well. Where to begin? Ah, yes. First I had to go around recruiting people. Then I had to get back into shape. And Dumbledore paid me for my services- Don't you worry, I got you a nice birthday present. I found my bike- hello darling- and fixed her up. All in all, a good break."
"How about you, Professor?"
"I got my old job back but I got burdened with two extra mouths to feed and I don't have that much money and Sirius you bastard you forgot to tell him the most important part I gotta go irk!"
As he went back, Sirius smiled evilly. "Oh yeah. Well, I also got a new broomstick for me! And then I found a secure job- I'll be coaching Quidditch at Hogwarts because Madam Hooch is going into retirement. Remus and I got married. I even managed to find a new wardrobe, and I got my ear pierced again! Like it?" He said this all very quickly, except for the last sentence.
"I guess. Wait, what?"
"Wanna see Moony's tattoo?" Before either Harry or Remus could protest Sirius had pulled his shirt out of his pants and lowered them slightly to display the wolf and dog running in the full moon in the small of his back.
"Oh that tattoo I thought you meant one of the other ones."
"You have other ones?"
"Yes but Sirius is not stripping me to show them off because I don't even want to admit where some of them are I mean what tattoos don't be silly I only have the one oh my dear lord I feel so ill but still Harry I don't think you should get one I only have this one and my Werewolf Registry number-"
"And 'Sirius was here' right on you ass. But the one I really like is the little stars going around your waist, especially Canis Major right over your belly button. And then you have that one on your ankle of the two little mars symbols- and the one's inside the other with the second rearing his head at the moon. So fucking sexy, when you see them all."
Harry looked appalled at Remus, who had finally risen and was chewing gum. "You actually sleep with this guy?"
Remus shrugged. "We all make mistakes. I just wish I could have taken it back when it mattered. And sometimes it's worth it."
"Aw, Moony!"
Remus winked at Harry. "Actually," he whispered to his godson-in-law, "Siri's very sexy, and he's probably the best mate I could have picked, but don't tell him that."
Harry looked quizzical. "My original question still stands- You actually sleep with this guy?"
"Hey, don't knock until you try it." He laughed as he cuddled in Sirius's embrace. "And if you try it I'll kill you. Besides, the whole tattoo thing was just that Sirius thought it would be sexy to play with needles and ink last night. I was bit preoccupied to protest-"
"That and I had you pinned and squealing. And pleading! 'Oh! Siri please! Siri! God yes! Siri! Siri, I love you! OH! Love you sooo much-Oh! Oh oh oh YEEESSSS!', if I recall the begging correctly."
Harry winced. "Like walking in on your parents."
"Oh, dear, I really yelled like that?"
"Yep. I distinctly remember there were three 'E's."
"Oh, dear." Remus's face was bright red, and Harry realized he could have rivaled Ron, easily. "But Sirius gave me these. And I will never again participate in one of Sirius Black's little sex games."
Sirius lifted his own shirt, showing a dog and a wolf wrestling in the forest on his left shoulder blade. "He likes to play, too, Harry, don't let him fool you. He tries to be by the book, but he's completely unconventional."
Remus hit him, and Sirius laughingly put his shirt back on.
The bike landed beside a nice, cozy cottage by the Dark Forest.
"You live near Hogwarts?"
"Hogsmeade, but yes. Welcome to your new home." Remus opened the door and was shocked.
"SIRIUS BLACK, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!?"
~~WARNING! WE INTERRUPT OUR DRAMATIC SCENE TO ANNOUCE THAT THE WRITER OF THIS STORY HAS BEEN GRANTED PERMISSION TO MAKE "HARRY POTTER" INTO A TELEVISION SITUATION COMEDY! WE HOPE YOU ENJOY~~
Sirius looked inside. "D'oh!" he yelled, falling off his bike. Harry dared a peak.
Inside the house were Hermione and Ron. Hermione had brought Viktor, too, Harry noted, and for some odd reason Draco Malfoy was there too. The first three were holding presents, the last his wand.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY!!!" Ron, Viktor and Hermione yelled, Viktor yelling it with only a slight mispronunciation. Draco held the wand up high and started to yell, too- "AVADA KE-"
But Remus snatched his wand. Draco actually began to cry until Remus gave it back, scolding him. "It's not nice to use the unforgivable curses, Mr. Malfoy."
"I'll handle this, Moony, you go upstairs and change into something else."
"I like these clothes, Padfoot-"
"Jesus, you would wear that to a party."
"I don't have anything else."
"Put on something of mine. We wear the same size."
The children looked at him. Sirius was a good four inches taller and a bit broader.
He shrugged. "We do."
Remus snarled like his wolf as he stomped up the stairs, and Sirius sat down.
"So. Welcome home. I guess this is a really good surprise."
Hermione spoke up. "Mr. Black-"
"Jesus, Herm, call me Sirius."
"Mr. Black, you didn't even tell Remus you were going to invite us all to his house?"
"Hey, it's my house too! Sorta. I live here."
Draco scoffed. "Why in hell am I here?"
"'PARTY!'" Sirius informed him. "I believe those were your exact words."
"Not much of one."
"Well, then let's fix it." He pulled out a large cake. In fact, it was too large.
"Oh my dear lord, you got him a stripper?!" Remus yelled as he came down the stairs in baggy Muggle jeans and a t-shirt that seemed appropriate for Sirius but not for him. (I'm Lazy, Unorganized, Immature and Loud- BUT I'M FUN!)
The cake did open, and out popped Fred Weasley's head. "A stripper?"
His twin joined him. "We missed her?"
"Dammit, this was supposed to be chocolate!" Sirius wailed.
"I don't particularly like Weasel flavored."
"Shut up about my family Malfoy!"
"Where's the inside of it?!"
"Christ, calm down, Siri, I baked one for him earlier anyway. Let me go get it."
"Actually I don't really mind."
"So, how was Romania, Hermione, I forgot to ask."
"It was wonderful, Mr. Black! We got to see your brother, too, Ron."
"Oh, really? That's good. What did he say?"
"He said that 'Her-my-knee, you should try not to give Ron so much trouble and try to get him on the Quidditch team this year because my idiot brothers will never be any good even if they did win the Cup one year.' Was that what you wanted to hear?"
"Hey!"
"We're insulted!"
"We're quite skilled at Quidditch!"
"Right, Fred!"
"I was a Beater too, y'know."
"Here's the cake, Harry. I'm sorry if it's a little cold, but I kept it refrigerated while we went to get you."
"CAKE!"
"Back off it, Malfoy!"
"Oh, let him have a piece, Ron, everyone deserves cake."
"But Hermione it's Draco Malfoy."
"I wanted the corner piece!"
"Sirius, love, there are four corners."
"Wow, Moony, you're the best!"
"MOONY?!?"
"Um, Fred, George, perhaps Harry should have told you we found out who made the Map."
"The Map's still around?!?"
"Um, Professor Lupin, perhaps you should have told Mr. Black that you gave Harry back the Map."
"Call me Sirius!"
"Love, the girl's merely polite."
Harry could take no more. "Will everyone STOP ALL THIS NONSENSE?!?" Everyone shut up. Then they all looked at him. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY!!!" except, of course, Draco, who instead said, "This is damn good cake, Professor Wolfie!"
"Draco, you shouldn't disrespect teachers," Hermione scolded. "Call him Professor Lupin."
"Or Black!" Sirius giggled.
"Sigh. Yes, or Black would be fine." Remus agreed grudgingly.
"MOONY?!?" the twins yelped again.
"Professor Moony. I kinda like it!"
"Sirius, as you are the most juvenile person here, you have no more right to talk."
Viktor gaped. "So you are the inn-fa-mus prisoner Serious Black?"
"You mispronounced that name somehow, but I can't really tell how so I won't scold you- Holy shit you're that kid Seeker!"
Harry smacked Draco. "May I have some of my own cake now?"
"Get your own!"
"That one's mine." But Draco cltched it to his chest and refused to share.
"Ooh, Professor? As Viktor here is a student from Drumstrungs, where they put more emphasis on DADA, do you think that a sort of hands-on lesson for advanced curses would be out of place?"
"Well, Ron, that's a good idea, and I was thinking about starting fifth years on them during the middle of the first semester- aw, there goes the surprise."
"What I meant was, can we have Viktor curse Draco then change him back? You know, Defense."
Viktor shrugged and pulled out his wand. "It would be no trouble, Professor." He blinked. "Ron, Her-my-knee, Harry. Did you realize your teacher was a werewolf?"
"Absolutely!"
"Abso-fuckin'-lutely!" Sirius yelled. "My Moony!"
Draco looked up from the cake long enough for Harry to steal it and run. "OH MY GOD, YOU'RE A WHAT?!"
"Funny, I could have sworn your favorite teacher announced it at my leave."
"I get it now, he's Moony because of the wolf!"
"Well, duh, Fred, but I still can't believe he's THE Moony!"
"Oh for Christ's sake, Padfoot, shut them up."
"PADFOOT?!?"
"And here we go again." Ron moaned as Draco cried over first losing his wand then his cake and finally being the only one who didn't know Remus J. Lupin was a werewolf.
(Poor bloody git. But I kinda like him in a "Just how much can I fuck with him?" sort-of way. My other HP story shows exactly how much, but it's drama, so no plugins here.)
Harry was in a cupboard- he was quite used to them- and was shoveling down his treat while the others argued. Draco was right, it was damn good cake.
Sirius stood up. "Who's up for Quidditch?"
The twins, Ron, Draco, Viktor and Harry all leapt up, or on top of the cake as they trip out of the closet.
"Damn, it's an odd number. And three of us are seekers. What do you play, Ron?"
Ron shrugged. "Whatever's necessary, I guess."
"Ah, versatile, eh?" Sirius winked, and Harry moaned.
"Dear God, how did you make that sound dirty?" Remus pulled him over and whispered in his ear, shutting him up and making him blush deeply.
".I'm scared." Draco said to break the silence, and Viktor, Ron and Hermione all nodded in agreement.
Sirius sighed. "I guess you kids'll have to play by yourselves. Oh well. Run off then." he said with only a hint of regret. Then he realized something. He smiled. "Oh, Hermione, did Moony ever show you his book collection?"
"No, but then again, this is my first visit."
Sirius laughed, "Come on then!" He took her downstairs and showed her the library. When she approved and picked one up to read, Sirius ran out and locked the door.
He then ran up and grabbed Remus's hand, dragging him up the stairs. "Quick, Moony, while they're all busy!" he giggled.
"Are you ever not horny?"
"So says you, you make me look like that idiot Snape when it comes to carnality. Celibacy!! Eww."
"You say that like it's a fate worse than death."
"No shit, Moony! Door locked, silencing spell just in case. Close the curtains baby."
"I have work, Siri."
"AW!!!"
A Bludger suddenly smashed through the window. "Well, that settles it then. Later, Siri." Of course, the window repaired itself after being cracked, so this was nothing.
"No no no no no!" Remus left the room, and Sirius found himself alone. He tried to follow, but his locking charm kicked in then and he was stuck.
"AW!!!"
Suddenly Ron fell off his broom through the window, crashing it. The window fixed again, and they were both locked in.
Silence filled the room. Then Ron, "Sirius.?"
"Yes, Ron, we are stuck."
"No. Why are you in your underwear? And why does it have little wolf paw prints?"
". Because Remus Lupin is a sexy beast?" he tried quickly with a small smile a soft blush.
"Ah." He waked up to the window and started pounding. "LET ME OUT!!!"
Remus did indeed have work. It was to prepare the materials for his classes. Granted, he could do this during the next two months, but he felt he owed it to Harry not to spend six hours locked up with his Godfather during daylight hours just to sate himself.
So he went to the back shed, opened it, and started to separate the cages for kappa from the ones for merfolk. He had just set the piles when the twins crashed into the shed, both landing in a cage but not before tossing him inside with them.
The cage lid fell, automatically locking. And all of their wands were outside the cage.
"Oh bloody hell George.!"
"Quite a mess you got us in this time, Fred."
"Me? But you were the one who-"
"No Fred, you did this."
"You!"
"You!"
"It was both of you now shut up."
"Dear God, I hope we get out before the next full moon! I mean, no offense, but I don't want to go furry in two." One twin said.
"Me either." His brother.
Remus sighed. "That makes it unanimous."
Harry and Viktor both dived at once, and ended up crashing into each other. They fell, landing in a dumpster. Draco sat there in midair alone. He caught the snitch when everyone had left.
".Does this mean I win?"
Everyone else was locked and didn't even notice, so no.
Draco smiled as he landed, ran inside and ate the rest of Harry's birthday cake. Sure, everyone else was locked up, but he didn't care. "CAAAKE."
Six hours later.
Now Draco was beyond bored. He started calling for people. When he didn't hear anyone, he started to yell. Finally he heard Hermione, and he opened up the library for her.
"Well, that was rude of him! He locked me in!"
"Why would he do that?"
"Usually I'd say he didn't like me, but considering he was chanting 'Moony's so sexy, Moony's so sexy', I'd say he had his own plans. Probably locked in their room now."
"?"
They opened the door, expecting to see Moony and Padfoot mid-coitus. Instead they found Ron and Sirius sitting on the floor playing old maid.
Draco has no tact. "Where's the SEX?!?"
"With Ron? You pervert."
"I'm not gay, he is."
They eventually found the others, but they took their time.
Chapter 4:
Our hero is suffering quite the trial for his patience.
Lucky him he actually likes the poor sods.
Perhaps he shall over come this.
Perhaps this hardship will make him stronger.
Who am I trying to fucking kid here?
Party.
"What the hell was with those alien things?" Harry asked Sirius as they suddenly were back in their normal clothing. Except for Remus, who now had a far-too-cute headband with wolf ears and a fake tail.
The Sci-Fi had been low budget after all.
Remus Lupin's aerial charades had not changed in the slightest to Harry's chagrin.
Sirius turned to the boy on his back. "What do you mean aliens? What the hell are those?"
Harry sighed. He noticed that Sirius too had gained a costume, a black leather collar that said "Padfoot" on a small gold circle. He sighed again. Typical Sirius- or at least, it might have been. Harry was, after all, a second generation Marauder.
Sirius laughed. "Wanna listen to music, Moony?"
As Remus was too far on the other side to answer, Sirius took that as a yes. He turned on the radio.
"And in current events, a group of aliens have come to Earth to try to take over the world!"
"Huh! Listen to that, eh Moony, Harry was right."
"i feel soo sick."
"Good Moony."
The radio continued. "They tried to use a CD compilation album to ruin the minds of our people, but it backfired when suddenly it became the number 1 easy listening hit album. They have opted to control us by our economy instead."
"Well! Can you imagine that, Harry?"
"Please don't tell me there are Muggles who enjoy that stuff."
"I know!" Heavy metal began to play loudly over Sirius's small speakers.
"So how's your summer been, kid?"
Harry groaned. "I practically live in a cupboard."
"Really?"
"Well, not anymore. But it's rather dull. How was yours? Anything big?"
"Well. Where to begin? Ah, yes. First I had to go around recruiting people. Then I had to get back into shape. And Dumbledore paid me for my services- Don't you worry, I got you a nice birthday present. I found my bike- hello darling- and fixed her up. All in all, a good break."
"How about you, Professor?"
"I got my old job back but I got burdened with two extra mouths to feed and I don't have that much money and Sirius you bastard you forgot to tell him the most important part I gotta go irk!"
As he went back, Sirius smiled evilly. "Oh yeah. Well, I also got a new broomstick for me! And then I found a secure job- I'll be coaching Quidditch at Hogwarts because Madam Hooch is going into retirement. Remus and I got married. I even managed to find a new wardrobe, and I got my ear pierced again! Like it?" He said this all very quickly, except for the last sentence.
"I guess. Wait, what?"
"Wanna see Moony's tattoo?" Before either Harry or Remus could protest Sirius had pulled his shirt out of his pants and lowered them slightly to display the wolf and dog running in the full moon in the small of his back.
"Oh that tattoo I thought you meant one of the other ones."
"You have other ones?"
"Yes but Sirius is not stripping me to show them off because I don't even want to admit where some of them are I mean what tattoos don't be silly I only have the one oh my dear lord I feel so ill but still Harry I don't think you should get one I only have this one and my Werewolf Registry number-"
"And 'Sirius was here' right on you ass. But the one I really like is the little stars going around your waist, especially Canis Major right over your belly button. And then you have that one on your ankle of the two little mars symbols- and the one's inside the other with the second rearing his head at the moon. So fucking sexy, when you see them all."
Harry looked appalled at Remus, who had finally risen and was chewing gum. "You actually sleep with this guy?"
Remus shrugged. "We all make mistakes. I just wish I could have taken it back when it mattered. And sometimes it's worth it."
"Aw, Moony!"
Remus winked at Harry. "Actually," he whispered to his godson-in-law, "Siri's very sexy, and he's probably the best mate I could have picked, but don't tell him that."
Harry looked quizzical. "My original question still stands- You actually sleep with this guy?"
"Hey, don't knock until you try it." He laughed as he cuddled in Sirius's embrace. "And if you try it I'll kill you. Besides, the whole tattoo thing was just that Sirius thought it would be sexy to play with needles and ink last night. I was bit preoccupied to protest-"
"That and I had you pinned and squealing. And pleading! 'Oh! Siri please! Siri! God yes! Siri! Siri, I love you! OH! Love you sooo much-Oh! Oh oh oh YEEESSSS!', if I recall the begging correctly."
Harry winced. "Like walking in on your parents."
"Oh, dear, I really yelled like that?"
"Yep. I distinctly remember there were three 'E's."
"Oh, dear." Remus's face was bright red, and Harry realized he could have rivaled Ron, easily. "But Sirius gave me these. And I will never again participate in one of Sirius Black's little sex games."
Sirius lifted his own shirt, showing a dog and a wolf wrestling in the forest on his left shoulder blade. "He likes to play, too, Harry, don't let him fool you. He tries to be by the book, but he's completely unconventional."
Remus hit him, and Sirius laughingly put his shirt back on.
The bike landed beside a nice, cozy cottage by the Dark Forest.
"You live near Hogwarts?"
"Hogsmeade, but yes. Welcome to your new home." Remus opened the door and was shocked.
"SIRIUS BLACK, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!?"
~~WARNING! WE INTERRUPT OUR DRAMATIC SCENE TO ANNOUCE THAT THE WRITER OF THIS STORY HAS BEEN GRANTED PERMISSION TO MAKE "HARRY POTTER" INTO A TELEVISION SITUATION COMEDY! WE HOPE YOU ENJOY~~
Sirius looked inside. "D'oh!" he yelled, falling off his bike. Harry dared a peak.
Inside the house were Hermione and Ron. Hermione had brought Viktor, too, Harry noted, and for some odd reason Draco Malfoy was there too. The first three were holding presents, the last his wand.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY!!!" Ron, Viktor and Hermione yelled, Viktor yelling it with only a slight mispronunciation. Draco held the wand up high and started to yell, too- "AVADA KE-"
But Remus snatched his wand. Draco actually began to cry until Remus gave it back, scolding him. "It's not nice to use the unforgivable curses, Mr. Malfoy."
"I'll handle this, Moony, you go upstairs and change into something else."
"I like these clothes, Padfoot-"
"Jesus, you would wear that to a party."
"I don't have anything else."
"Put on something of mine. We wear the same size."
The children looked at him. Sirius was a good four inches taller and a bit broader.
He shrugged. "We do."
Remus snarled like his wolf as he stomped up the stairs, and Sirius sat down.
"So. Welcome home. I guess this is a really good surprise."
Hermione spoke up. "Mr. Black-"
"Jesus, Herm, call me Sirius."
"Mr. Black, you didn't even tell Remus you were going to invite us all to his house?"
"Hey, it's my house too! Sorta. I live here."
Draco scoffed. "Why in hell am I here?"
"'PARTY!'" Sirius informed him. "I believe those were your exact words."
"Not much of one."
"Well, then let's fix it." He pulled out a large cake. In fact, it was too large.
"Oh my dear lord, you got him a stripper?!" Remus yelled as he came down the stairs in baggy Muggle jeans and a t-shirt that seemed appropriate for Sirius but not for him. (I'm Lazy, Unorganized, Immature and Loud- BUT I'M FUN!)
The cake did open, and out popped Fred Weasley's head. "A stripper?"
His twin joined him. "We missed her?"
"Dammit, this was supposed to be chocolate!" Sirius wailed.
"I don't particularly like Weasel flavored."
"Shut up about my family Malfoy!"
"Where's the inside of it?!"
"Christ, calm down, Siri, I baked one for him earlier anyway. Let me go get it."
"Actually I don't really mind."
"So, how was Romania, Hermione, I forgot to ask."
"It was wonderful, Mr. Black! We got to see your brother, too, Ron."
"Oh, really? That's good. What did he say?"
"He said that 'Her-my-knee, you should try not to give Ron so much trouble and try to get him on the Quidditch team this year because my idiot brothers will never be any good even if they did win the Cup one year.' Was that what you wanted to hear?"
"Hey!"
"We're insulted!"
"We're quite skilled at Quidditch!"
"Right, Fred!"
"I was a Beater too, y'know."
"Here's the cake, Harry. I'm sorry if it's a little cold, but I kept it refrigerated while we went to get you."
"CAKE!"
"Back off it, Malfoy!"
"Oh, let him have a piece, Ron, everyone deserves cake."
"But Hermione it's Draco Malfoy."
"I wanted the corner piece!"
"Sirius, love, there are four corners."
"Wow, Moony, you're the best!"
"MOONY?!?"
"Um, Fred, George, perhaps Harry should have told you we found out who made the Map."
"The Map's still around?!?"
"Um, Professor Lupin, perhaps you should have told Mr. Black that you gave Harry back the Map."
"Call me Sirius!"
"Love, the girl's merely polite."
Harry could take no more. "Will everyone STOP ALL THIS NONSENSE?!?" Everyone shut up. Then they all looked at him. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY!!!" except, of course, Draco, who instead said, "This is damn good cake, Professor Wolfie!"
"Draco, you shouldn't disrespect teachers," Hermione scolded. "Call him Professor Lupin."
"Or Black!" Sirius giggled.
"Sigh. Yes, or Black would be fine." Remus agreed grudgingly.
"MOONY?!?" the twins yelped again.
"Professor Moony. I kinda like it!"
"Sirius, as you are the most juvenile person here, you have no more right to talk."
Viktor gaped. "So you are the inn-fa-mus prisoner Serious Black?"
"You mispronounced that name somehow, but I can't really tell how so I won't scold you- Holy shit you're that kid Seeker!"
Harry smacked Draco. "May I have some of my own cake now?"
"Get your own!"
"That one's mine." But Draco cltched it to his chest and refused to share.
"Ooh, Professor? As Viktor here is a student from Drumstrungs, where they put more emphasis on DADA, do you think that a sort of hands-on lesson for advanced curses would be out of place?"
"Well, Ron, that's a good idea, and I was thinking about starting fifth years on them during the middle of the first semester- aw, there goes the surprise."
"What I meant was, can we have Viktor curse Draco then change him back? You know, Defense."
Viktor shrugged and pulled out his wand. "It would be no trouble, Professor." He blinked. "Ron, Her-my-knee, Harry. Did you realize your teacher was a werewolf?"
"Absolutely!"
"Abso-fuckin'-lutely!" Sirius yelled. "My Moony!"
Draco looked up from the cake long enough for Harry to steal it and run. "OH MY GOD, YOU'RE A WHAT?!"
"Funny, I could have sworn your favorite teacher announced it at my leave."
"I get it now, he's Moony because of the wolf!"
"Well, duh, Fred, but I still can't believe he's THE Moony!"
"Oh for Christ's sake, Padfoot, shut them up."
"PADFOOT?!?"
"And here we go again." Ron moaned as Draco cried over first losing his wand then his cake and finally being the only one who didn't know Remus J. Lupin was a werewolf.
(Poor bloody git. But I kinda like him in a "Just how much can I fuck with him?" sort-of way. My other HP story shows exactly how much, but it's drama, so no plugins here.)
Harry was in a cupboard- he was quite used to them- and was shoveling down his treat while the others argued. Draco was right, it was damn good cake.
Sirius stood up. "Who's up for Quidditch?"
The twins, Ron, Draco, Viktor and Harry all leapt up, or on top of the cake as they trip out of the closet.
"Damn, it's an odd number. And three of us are seekers. What do you play, Ron?"
Ron shrugged. "Whatever's necessary, I guess."
"Ah, versatile, eh?" Sirius winked, and Harry moaned.
"Dear God, how did you make that sound dirty?" Remus pulled him over and whispered in his ear, shutting him up and making him blush deeply.
".I'm scared." Draco said to break the silence, and Viktor, Ron and Hermione all nodded in agreement.
Sirius sighed. "I guess you kids'll have to play by yourselves. Oh well. Run off then." he said with only a hint of regret. Then he realized something. He smiled. "Oh, Hermione, did Moony ever show you his book collection?"
"No, but then again, this is my first visit."
Sirius laughed, "Come on then!" He took her downstairs and showed her the library. When she approved and picked one up to read, Sirius ran out and locked the door.
He then ran up and grabbed Remus's hand, dragging him up the stairs. "Quick, Moony, while they're all busy!" he giggled.
"Are you ever not horny?"
"So says you, you make me look like that idiot Snape when it comes to carnality. Celibacy!! Eww."
"You say that like it's a fate worse than death."
"No shit, Moony! Door locked, silencing spell just in case. Close the curtains baby."
"I have work, Siri."
"AW!!!"
A Bludger suddenly smashed through the window. "Well, that settles it then. Later, Siri." Of course, the window repaired itself after being cracked, so this was nothing.
"No no no no no!" Remus left the room, and Sirius found himself alone. He tried to follow, but his locking charm kicked in then and he was stuck.
"AW!!!"
Suddenly Ron fell off his broom through the window, crashing it. The window fixed again, and they were both locked in.
Silence filled the room. Then Ron, "Sirius.?"
"Yes, Ron, we are stuck."
"No. Why are you in your underwear? And why does it have little wolf paw prints?"
". Because Remus Lupin is a sexy beast?" he tried quickly with a small smile a soft blush.
"Ah." He waked up to the window and started pounding. "LET ME OUT!!!"
Remus did indeed have work. It was to prepare the materials for his classes. Granted, he could do this during the next two months, but he felt he owed it to Harry not to spend six hours locked up with his Godfather during daylight hours just to sate himself.
So he went to the back shed, opened it, and started to separate the cages for kappa from the ones for merfolk. He had just set the piles when the twins crashed into the shed, both landing in a cage but not before tossing him inside with them.
The cage lid fell, automatically locking. And all of their wands were outside the cage.
"Oh bloody hell George.!"
"Quite a mess you got us in this time, Fred."
"Me? But you were the one who-"
"No Fred, you did this."
"You!"
"You!"
"It was both of you now shut up."
"Dear God, I hope we get out before the next full moon! I mean, no offense, but I don't want to go furry in two." One twin said.
"Me either." His brother.
Remus sighed. "That makes it unanimous."
Harry and Viktor both dived at once, and ended up crashing into each other. They fell, landing in a dumpster. Draco sat there in midair alone. He caught the snitch when everyone had left.
".Does this mean I win?"
Everyone else was locked and didn't even notice, so no.
Draco smiled as he landed, ran inside and ate the rest of Harry's birthday cake. Sure, everyone else was locked up, but he didn't care. "CAAAKE."
Six hours later.
Now Draco was beyond bored. He started calling for people. When he didn't hear anyone, he started to yell. Finally he heard Hermione, and he opened up the library for her.
"Well, that was rude of him! He locked me in!"
"Why would he do that?"
"Usually I'd say he didn't like me, but considering he was chanting 'Moony's so sexy, Moony's so sexy', I'd say he had his own plans. Probably locked in their room now."
"?"
They opened the door, expecting to see Moony and Padfoot mid-coitus. Instead they found Ron and Sirius sitting on the floor playing old maid.
Draco has no tact. "Where's the SEX?!?"
"With Ron? You pervert."
"I'm not gay, he is."
They eventually found the others, but they took their time.
