Fore note: This chapter's a bit different from the others for two, six reasons. First off, while I am still an insomniac I now have no laptop. No big deal, right? Well, it would be if I didn't have two half-finished chapters for two different stories on it. Luckily, I vaguely remember some details about Chapter 5 (it had new characters and it was still a sitcom.) but when my computer is returned in three weeks I can mince this version and the other together. Also, I'll regain the pseudo- poem at the beginning of this chapter, which I really like these poems since they're both spoilers and summaries.

Secondly, I am completely awake as I write this. Usually this story is written between 12:30-3:30, mostly around two A.M. Regardless of being awake or not, hell, especially if you're awake, you go crazy at 2:00 A.M. I blame the ATF, since I need a scapegoat.

C- This chapter is meant to be funny. It might not be since it wasn't produced at normal times. However, it might be, since Abinikai's JAC GW story is based on a comic I draw in awake hours. Yet this one is meant to be an Anything-Goes story in the extremist form.

4- For Chapter 5 I shall post a short story, completely unrelated to this one but part of a larger project I'm doing for my as-yet-non-existent website. It's where I, David Moonpuppy Ottewa, turn my favorite anything characters Chibi and do mean things to them as only a sado-masochistic slash-fic loving dorm student high on Pixy Stix can. The first one has Chibi Moony and Padfoot, plus my pet plant Jim. Yes, I have a pet plant named Jim.

Once again, this is based on the anime Excel Saga, which makes this story seem easy to understand. All the characters are twisted, save Harry and Snape, and this is vital to the plot I will reveal around Chapter 9. Yes, people, there is a plot.

And finally, a bit of confession. My favorite character is Moony, he was before I read my first HP slash. After him it's the twins, who I consider one character with two parts, then Sirius, then Draco. Fifth is Neville. Therefore, all five will have bigger parts than Ron and Hermione, who I'm not too fond of. Neville comes soon, as Hyatt to those who know XS, or to everyone, Kenny McCormick. This story is about Harry though, and will thus focus mostly on him.

So anyway.

Chapter 5

I lack a poem, therefore I shall use a short story I wrote in response to a challenge from the Marauder's_Slash mailing list. Requirements were -50 words and "Caught in the act." Enjoy it.

"Oops." James looked up.

Peter fainted.

"How could you? With him, of all people" Remus.

"Fuck." Sirius.

Snape scowled. "Well, we were."

James nodded.

"FUCK!"

Sitcom.

He was flying on an old Comet 2. Maybe he could get there before the day ended. Maybe before next Tuesday. Most likely two days before the new term.

The broom fell. He fell with it, straight into the Forbidden Forest.

CRASH.

~*~*~

Harry and Viktor were already free from their cage. In fact, they'd left hours ago and had gone to Honeyduke's, the Three Broomsticks, and Zonko's. Currently Viktor was owling his family some of Honeyduke's Best Chocolate and Butterbeer from the Post Office.

They were fine. However, Remus and the twins were shouting and banging the glass.

Granted, the banging was actually in rhythm and they were shouting "Brass Monkey that funky monkey, Brass Monkey junkie that funky monkey," but it was shouting and they were still locked in, and to top it off George was off-key.

Oddly enough, the noise wasn't heard by the people in the house. No, it was heard by their nearest neighbor, a cross young man who lived two kms away. This man's name was Severus Snape.

Now, Snape hates five things above all else. The Potters. A friend of the Potters is just as bad, because to the Potters, friends were practically family. Gryffindores. The Potters and their little friends could all rot in hell, and so could their offspring and their offspring's children as far as Snape was concerned. People who drink tea with sugar and cream instead of honey. Ooh, he hated that, using sweeteners not intended to be mixed into the drink. Werewolves. He would never forget his third year. And most of all, he hates Sirius Black. All of the above apply to him, and together it makes something more foul.

Lupin also applied to all. A Gryffindore werewolf pal of Potters. Black had converted him from simply using honey to two creams, eight sugars. And to top it all off, he was fucking Black senseless. He abhorred Lupin with a passion he only spared for Black. Gryffindor twins 1 and 2 did not help any.

Especially as all three were stripped down to their boxers, or briefs in twin 1's case, and one shoe each, dancing and singing "YMCA", a song much more fun with a gay man who came out 1977.

Snape sighed. "Do I even want to know why you three are prancing around a cage like faeries?"

Twin 2 smiled, pointing at Lupin. "He is one!"

Snape noted that Twin 2's boxers had a little Snitch flying over them. Lupin's were the same as the pair from Chapter 1, Snape was even willing to bet the exact same pair.

"Silence, insolent! Faeries and werewolves are two different things altogether! Although I knew about his sexual preference. I also know which one's on top." Regardless, he opened the cage.

Remus blushed. "Oh yeah, Potions tutorials sixth year."

Twins 1 and 2 looked intrigued, but Lupin merely said, "A story for another day." And invited Snape in for tea.

Snape's forehead has one of those twitching veins. It was twitching now. Lupin would certainly put sugar in it, and Black would slip poison, alcohol or worse, aphrodisiacs. He reconciled, offering a final insult he knew Lupin's lupine ears would catch.

~*~*~

He lay dead for a few moments, then he rose and started to crawl along the forest floor. As he crawled, someone rescued him.

Well. . . They couldn't save him from himself.

"Darn my bad luck."

~*~*~

"LIM-BO! LIM-BO!" they were shouting as Fred, George and Remus walked in. "Tequila" was playing on a radio and Draco was almost sliding across the floor under a bar that was only an inch higher than he was. He passed, Hermione was next.

"Moony baby!" Sirius yelled, jumping into his confused lover's arms and kissing him deeply. Hermione naturally hit the bar.

"I win!" Draco yelled, sounding like a giddy idiot. No one noticed.

"What took ya, Moony Baby?"

"Got locked in. Ran into Snape."

"What'd he say?"

" 'Give that mutt of yours a rectal pump for me.'"

Fred and George looked shocked. "I have good hearing."

Sirius growled something along the lines of "But I'M the butch." but everyone had guessed that. "'Course, it could be fun."

"Sirius Lee Black!" Remus yelled. He had gone several shades of red and had slipped into the orange spectrum.

Finally, Fred spoke up. "Official Gryffindor cocksmokers!"

George added, "Bum-banging professors!"

"Puppy sex," Hermione added, thinking about how cute they looked together.

"Doggie style!" Ron piped in.

"How can you think of doggie style when one of you is a wolf once a month?" Fred asked.

"Wouldn't that be wolfie style then?" George asked his brother.

Draco was scratching his head. (He hadn't caught on they were a couple yet.) Remus and Sirius were too busy gaping at the audacity.

"It's James and Peter all over again," Remus moaned.

"And here I thought our worst coming out story would always be that time your mum sent us to that Episcopal Gay-Reform clinic."

"Damned stupid of them to say we could be roommates." Remus sighed. "But the children don't need to hear about that."

Of course, the children wanted to, except Hermione who spoke up. "Actually, I already knew about that. It was one thing Mr. Black was charged for. 'Desecrating a Muggle Religious Facility by means of Pre-Martial Sex With An Underage Werewolf of the Same Sex, and Article 33b- Sub-paragraph 2 Footnote 6 of the Werewolf Registry Pact says that, quote, 'Lycantropes are not allowed to engage in sexual intercourse due to mating restrictions, even if they so choose a mate of the same sex,' which I think is rather silly since most werewolves are known to respond as females sexually regardless of gender-"

"Hermione, you do know that if you know too much you start to fade away?" Ron sneered.

"That's not true."

Remus cleared his throat. "Um, actually. I have a book on it right here." He pointed at a bookshelf, and Ron pulled off a copy of 'Strange Magical Afflictions You Really Didn't Want To Know About'.

"Our Aunt died that way. Knowing too much," Fred added.

"What was she?" Hermione asked as she flipped through the book.

George shrugged. "A reporter."

Sirius snapped his fingers, the sudden sound shocking everyone. "No _wonder_ I never got a trial! All the shit I did as a kid they turned against me!"

Hermione began to fade softly, but stopped it by engaging in conversation with Draco, who was biting into a light bulb.

He spit out the glass. "Not chocolate!" he screamed.

"And people say _Remus_ is a chocoholic," Sirius whistled.

"I am. I'm just not stupid."

Hermione began to name ways to cure chocoholics, but was prevented from fading as Viktor threw a bucket of pale green paint on her.

"When did you get here?" Ron asked.

Harry laid an armful of candy and butterbeer on the table. "Just got back from Hogsmeade."

"We found someone," Viktor added, stepping aside. Neville had collapsed on the floor next to him.

"Neville!" Hermione yelled in concern.

"Neville!" Remus also yelled, rushing to him.

"A kid!" Sirius added. He didn't know Neville.

"Why are you here?" Draco snarled.

Remus muttered an incantation. "No use. He's dead."

The others gasped. Ron sobbed about how he should have never invited him.

Neville rose up. "Sorry. Happens all the time. Happy Birthday, Harry." He handed Harry a package. Harry took it, but he couldn't help staring. Neville collapsed again.

"No pulse. No breathing. Eyes unfocused. Skin cold. He's dead, no doubt about it." Remus sighed. "I'm sorry."

Harry ripped open the package. "COOL! Muggle clothes that _fit_!"

He started to change while everyone mourned. After about two minutes, Neville rose up again. "Gram got those from some store that closed down. I remembered your clothes were in bad shape and stole you some."

"WOW!"

Remus checked Neville again. Pulse 68. Breath rate 22. Temperature normal. But it had been nothing a moment ago.

"Sorry I died again. I'm a little allergic to- Okay, I just die a lot, I don't have any allergies."

"And people say werewolf blood's valuable," Sirius mumbled.

Hermione started to explain how valuable when Viktor tossed paint again.

Harry really hates his life.