Come Undone

Chapter 14

(unrated)         

                 Things progresses rapidly over the next few months. Padme`  rallied endlessly in the Senate for a reduction of the military, and Anakin continued to split his time between the Jedi Temple, the Chancellor and his wife.  He would come back from his various assignments, often meditate for a while, and they would share the rest of their evening together. Because of the unconventionality of their union, they were still often without outside visitors but still, they were relatively happy. 

                 This evening, however; Anakin came back to their flat and with barely a word, and went in to their shared bedroom to meditate.  Padmé looked up and shook her head; it seemed to happen more and more often these days. He would come home increasingly agitated and had spent many nights just wanting to be held or hold her in return. On some, (well as she was being honest with herself,) most of these nights, he would shiver terribly, seized by demons that he could not or would not exorcise and yet despite her protest, he would not speak to any healers, Jedi or otherwise. Even Obi-wan had expressed his exasperation with Anakin. To her own despair, it  seemed that as of late the only words they could share would be angry ones with neither man willing to concede an inch in any discussion. From Republic politics to Jedi Council policy, if one said black the other invariably would say white and it saddened her to see such good friends drift… no, to be ripped apart like this… They had been through so much together, hopefully things would pass soon enough. Perhaps when things settled back in to a semblance or normalcy… after the baby was born… If Anakin refused to give a little more than she would try to convince Obi-wan… although they had disagreed on many occasions,  Master Kenobi would at least listen to reason instead of simply drawing away…  Her mind drifted back to Anakin, who had still failed to reappear from the bedroom. Tonight, she decided, she would do anything she could to get him to open up to her. Perhaps she'd been neglectful of him? Not understanding enough? After all, he was fighting on entirely different fronts, not only with the Jedi, but on the military side as well… That and trying desperately to be everything he seemed to think that she wanted of him… it was all a little too much perhaps.  A sly smile crossed her face as she considered an idea. If anything, she could at least lighten his mood a little.

          About an hour or so later, she walked into the bedroom, a little surprised to find that he gone straight to bed with out a word. 

          "Ani?" she called softly, concerned now. "Are you ok? What's wrong beloved?"

          "Yes... no," came the reply, Anakin's voice shaky and unsure. He was lying with his back towards the door. "I... I can't talk about it Padmé I'm sorry."

           Her heart ached to see him like this. She decided that if he would let her, she'd, well; she would do what she could.

          "Ani," she repeated. "Can I come lie down next to you? I just want to be with you, OK?"

           He hesitated, and for a moment she thought that he might refuse but at last he said, "Yes." A pause as he rolled over to face her. "I'd like that Padmé. Please..."

          She slowly made her way over to the bed, dropping her robe on to the chair and  as she pulled back the covers, she realized that he was still wearing his loose sleeping trousers. This struck her as a little disturbing, it something he never did when he was with her alone.  She settled into his embraced, which was tense and unsure again. Padmé realized that he was obviously under a great deal of stress, yet oddly had not found any relief in his meditations. Concerned,  she started to stroke his arm and he pulled away suddenly.

         "I'm sorry Angel," He said, his voice heavy with emotion. "I just... I can't do... I can't..." he choked. "Please, try to understand..."

         Padmé kissed him tenderly, she understood perhaps more than he realized.

Determined now, she slowly slipped her hand into the front of his trousers with a lover's familiarity.

         Anakin gasped, but did not pull away this time. "Padmé! What are you doing? I just told you..."

          She gently kissed him again. "Hush," she whispered, seemingly oblivious to his reaction. She began to stroke him slowly and playfully. "You need this... let me help grant you some release."

         He rolled his head back and moaned her name softly as she continued, tenderly moving her hand up and down, softly caressing and applying gentle pressure here and there. He reached over for her but she brought her hand back up and pushed him away.

          "But Padmé..." he began to protest but he stopped as she started anew, with more urgency now.

         "I love you Ani," she said quietly. "Please, always remember that..."

           He was shocked by the speed and sudden intensity of the climax. He wanted to pull Padmé tightly in close as if he could somehow bring her into himself, to share the experience and cried out her name again and again before the rush of sensation washed any semblance of conscious thought. 

           She smiled and she kissed him again, knowing her gesture of love had been well received and had hopefully given him at least some reprieve…

           At long last, he let out a long, contented sigh, visibly relaxed now. Padmé smiled again.

           "Padmé," he began. "I... I don't know what to say... I mean... Force.... Angel..."

           Padmé interrupted him with a small giggle. "You're welcome, my love. I hope I helped..."

           "Helped?" Anakin managed a weak shake of his head. "By all the gods Padmé... you are the very light of my being... Without you..." His voice trailed off as she ran her hand along his chest. No, he would not entertain such thoughts right now...

           She slowly climbed out of the bed and slipped her robe back on. "I'll make us something to eat," she smiled at him again. "I don't think you ever do on these missions these days."

           He returned her smile with a sly grin of his own. "There's a LOT of things I don't do when I'm not with you. Perhaps after supper we can... well... discuss some of them?"

           Padmé laughed as she headed towards the kitchenette and Anakin only smiled.

           A little later, he came into the sitting room where they shared their meal in a relative silence, Anakin still occasionally lost in thought, but no where near as distant as he had been only a few hours before.

           At long last, they were laying together again, comfortable in each others embrace, but soon Anakin began to show signs of discomfort. Padmé began to explore his chest lightly with her fingers, dragging strands of her hair after them.

           "Do you need a repeat performance?" she asked him suggestively. He took her hand in his almost reluctantly and shook his head.

           "At least for the moment," he smiled but his smile quickly faded and his tone became serious.

           "Padmé" he started, and bit his lower lip in frustration as if he didn't know how to begin. "How much longer... I mean..." He put his hand on her stomach and rubbed it gently. Almost on cue, the kicking started in earnest. Padmé, who had become quite used to this by now only sighed.

            "Not soon enough," she admitted. "But the healers say we have another 6 weeks or so before we should start to be really concerned." She gave him a soft lingering kiss and whispered, "We can, you know, make love practically until it's time if you REALLY want to..."

           "It's not that," he replied softly, stroking her hair. "There's one more thing I must do... I need to... well; I.... only for a few days... a week at the most and then, I never will have to leave again..." He bit his lip again, this time hard enough to bring blood.

           Padmé sat up and regarded him carefully.

           "Why? Why Now?" She asked, suddenly afraid. "Ani, talk to me!"

           "Padmé, Angel... Beloved," he began again, unsure. "It's not that I have a choice, please... I can't talk about it now. Please." His eyes, beseeching her to try to understand, not to be angry.

           After what seemed to Anakin to be an eternity, she sighed resignedly, and lowered herself back down.

           "When do you have to leave?" She asked at long last. "Will you stay tonight, at least? Please Ani...."

           "I have a transport leaving at dawn, but yes... I can… I will. Padmé, I can't begin to tell you how much this hurts me. If there were any other way..."

           Padmé put her finger over his lips and he kissed it almost out of reflex.

           "I don't want to talk about it anymore," she said sadly. She kissed him tenderly in the crook of his throat and let her hand wander down his chest again, slowly and sensually. "Let's make the most of the time we have together.

            Anakin nodded and slowly brought his hand up cupping her chin. He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly brought her lips to his and kissed her again, and again, relishing her very being. He loved Padmé. She was his wife, his lover, and his friend. He was terribly afraid, but as long as he drew breath, no harm would come to her, or their unborn child.