Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Okay, we own absolutely nothing, except Alicia, Elle and Morgan. Yadda yadda yadda.

The next morning dawned bright and early ("Damn! Why does it always do that?" growled Morgan). The three elven maids began their long journey from the Bay of Belfalas to Rivendell, avec donkey, baggage and hot elf guide. Their journey took them many days; they travelled for over a week. During this lengthy trip, they all grew bored and exasperated. Elle, of course, tried to entertain everyone with her (non-existent) wit. "Did you hear the one about the elf, the hobbit and the orc?" she asked. "They all went into a bar..." "Elle, shut up before I kick my foot up your sorry ass!" screamed Morgan. "Who told you I was into that?!" replied a bewildered Elle. They sailed as far as they dared up the River Isen, then carried their little boat to the tributaries of the River Gwathlo. The group travelled up Gwathlo as it metamorphosed into the River Hoarwell, then until it became the River Bruinen. (As the three friends were now elves, Alicia insisted on calling the rivers by their elven names.) When they reached the Ford close to Rivendell, Orophin was adamant that they complete the rest of their journey on foot. Unfortunately, this dramatically slowed the pace, as Elle consistently managed to get 'gravel' in her shoe. They finally reached Rivendell on the morning of October the twenty-fifth. Elle tied Bill up by a copse of trees just inside the Last Homely House. All was peaceful as they entered the hallowed place, crossed the sweeping lawns and headed towards the House of Elrond. Suddenly Alicia spun round. "Did you say October the twenty-fifth?" she inquired. Orophin nodded dumbly. "Ooooohhh, yay!" she squealed "The Council of Elrond takes place today! I always wanted to see it! Do you think it's like the film? Ooh! Let's go and join in! It'll be great fun! Yay!" With that, she took off towards the porch on the front of the house.

*

Elrond looked gravely around at the guests at the Council as they listened attentively to Glóin as the dwarf finished his story. Ignoring all the murmurs that rippled through the gathering, Elrond addressed them all. He spoke of the forging of the rings of power fabrication of the One Ring. He spoke of the fall of Númenor, and of the great battle fought between Sauron and the Last Alliance, led by Gil-galad and Elendil. He recounted the deaths of Gil-galad and Elendil, and was about to explain the path of the One Ring through the history of Middle Earth, when three elven maidens skidded onto the porch, interrupting the proceedings and spoiling the solemnity of the moment. The first elf slipped across the stone floor and crashed into the granite table headfirst. When she had recovered enough to stand up, she gave a huge wink to one of the elves from Mirkwood. A second elf stormed on moodily. She had a miniature storm cloud hovering above her head. Occasionally a bolt of lightning lanced down and struck whatever was nearest. A loud crash resonated around the walled area as thunder rolled. This was followed by a torrential downpour. When the third elf finally trailed onto the porch, she shrieked "DILDO!" at the top of her voice and gave Mr Baggins, Senior an enormous hug. Bilbo turned to Frodo and whispered under his breath with urgency "There is a worse thing than orcs, Frodo, run while you still can!" Elle promptly grabbed Frodo into her and Bilbo's embrace. The second elf looked quite grumpy at the proceedings, in fact, positively cantankerous. Still, at least she carried herself with a bit more dignity than her erstwhile companions. Elrond felt quite disgruntled at them spoiling his lovely ceremony. A worried-looking male elf followed them onto the terrace.

*

Orophin did his best to smooth Elrond's ruffled feathers, and eventually the Council reformed. Just as Elrond was, again, getting to the crucial part of his tale, a strange beeping noise emerged from Elle's pocket. "Sorry, everyone! Hang on, this'll only take a mo!" she called, whipping out a mobile phone whose ring tone sounded vaguely like 'Auld Lang Syne', but it was actually 'May It Be' by Enya. ( one of the Lord Of The Rings ringtones - it's crap, we know from experience - authors note) "HELLO? YEAH, I'M AT THE COUNCIL OF ELROND..." was heard as she dashed off along through the terraced gardens. Elrond sighed in exasperation, then resumed his narrative. As he got to the end of his gloomy tale, an anguished cry was heard from the terraces. Morgan rolled her eyes. "Bejeezus, Elle, it was a story stricken with tragedy, and could behold the doom of Middle Earth, and the extinction of the fair elven race, yadda yadda yadda, but you don't need to bawl about it!" she called. Elle came woefully round the corner, her face a picture of misery.

"I wasn't shouting coz of some tacky gold ring, I mean, platinum is soooo much cooler. It totally rocks!" she said "I was screaming coz Olli dumped me!" She burst into very loud, wet tears, and hid her face in her hands. By now, Elrond was more than a little bit pissed off at the three intruders. Morgan decided, sensibly, to take Elle away from the important meeting. They disappeared out of sight in the gardens of Elrond. Alicia remained listening attentively. However, she soon got bored of the endless dialogue - it was no better spoken aloud than read in The Fellowship Of The Ring. She gazed round the assembly, looking at each person and trying to name all of the unimportant characters to pass the time. As her eyes sighted upon the elven delegation from Mirkwood, she noticed they were all sitting primly, with their legs together and their hands folded in their laps. Not so with Legolas, though. He was sitting with his legs splayed apart, and he looked as if he was feeling himself up! When Alicia saw this, she burst out into hysterical laughter, earning herself a glare from Elrond. At this point, she thought it would be best, council or no council, to get as far away from Elrond as possible. Still chuckling away to herself, she slipped away.