Chapter 5
Disclaimer: I still hold that nobody actually reads disclaimers and they are, in fact, a pointless waste of time. But here goes. We own nothing, just Alicia, Elle and Morgan. Blah blah blah.
"Okaaay," Morgan was concentrating hard. Her tongue was hanging out the corner of her mouth. "Do you reckon we're in the film or book?" Elle was reciting over and over and over again :
"The square on the hypotenuse is equal to the square on the other two sides."
"Definitely book." Alicia stated confidently. "I mean, Legolas actually spoke at the Council! More than four words, as well!" She practised looking off into the middle distance, intoning 'You have my bow' over and over again.
"Right," Morgan nodded. "So we have..." she paused for thought. "...about two months till the Fellowship is formed." Elle broke off from her recitation long enough to ask,
"So?" in a very uninterested voice. Alicia and Morgan looked at each other, and rolled their eyes at each other.
"You haven't read -" began Alicia.
"NO!" screamed Elle, "So sue me!" Alicia's eyes lit up at the thought. Elle's parents were totally rolling in money. She was just about to accept the invitation, when Morgan spoke instead.
"So, we're going to join the Fellowship! And help them achieve world domination - I mean, help them destroy the Ring." She hastily amended. Neither Alicia or Elle had noticed her 'slip of the tongue'.
" Yeah, whatever," muttered Elle in her best 'Clueless' impression.
"You'll get to be a warrior princess type thing, like, say, Xena," Alicia said slyly. Elle's eyes lit up at the mention of her heroine and idol (after Miss Piggy of the Muppets, and Barbie, of course.)
"Wow!" she breathed. "Let's go, girls! We're gonna save the world!" She was suddenly transformed into a more stereotypical, gung-ho comic book character. Alicia and Morgan smirked.
They stood in front of Elrond, who looked slightly dumbfounded.
"Right, ladies, am I correct in assuming that you are wanting to become," he glanced at the cowering messenger elf beside him, " 'bodyguards and mentors' to the Fellowship? Who, by the way, currently exist of two little hobbits?" he looked at all three elves standing in front of him, glancing from the incredibly tall, angry-looking elf, to the little ginger one with bright eyes and a cheesy smile, to the one staring straight back in his eyes with her own piercing blue eyes, and raising a perfectly- manicured eyebrow as if daring him to refuse their request. This one was the one who had remained listening attentively at the Council, after her companions had departed. They all nodded in unison. Elrond gulped.
"Okay," he said slowly, "well, you'll have to begin an intensive training program..."
Alicia and Morgan trotted round the elven army compound, Alicia in a cute purple tracksuit, and Morgan wearing dark black garments, singing that well-known army chant:
"We are elven, yes indeed, We are what the Fellowship needs! We will help them on their quest, Stick by us coz we're the best!
We are elven, yes indeed, We will kill their enemies, We will help them get quite far..."
Here they paused, lost for inspiration.
"Wit and courage in a Wonderbra!" added Alicia with a cheeky grin. As they carried on round the perimeter of the camp, they came within sight of the archery range, where Elle was having lessons. As she selected one of her pink, fluffy arrows from her quiver, her little face was screwed up with concentration. Alicia and Morgan shared a quick look, then simultaneously darted for the safety of a nearby balcony, where they watched the scene below unfold.
Elle aimed her arrow at the closest target and chewed the corner of her lip. With one eye squinting (not an attractive pose - even for Elle) she let go of the arrow, letting it sail through the air. She closed her eyes and whispered a quick good luck prayer, but when she tentatively opened her eyes again, she saw the arrow had landed spearing the ground in front of her. The arrow was firmly embedded in the soil, as she discovered when she attempted to pluck the arrow from its landing position. She eventually mustered enough strength to haul the fluffy arrow from the ground, which was very reluctant to give up its prize. She was just thinking that her little practise had gone unnoticed when she heard a soft chuckling coming from over her left shoulder. Legolas' crumpled frame shook with laughter as he lay helplessly on the ground. Elle stormed over.
"I don't know what you're laughing at!" she spat ferociously.
"Elle, you are the worst archer I have ever seen!" said Legolas, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. Elle notched another arrow.
"Am not!" Her face pulled tight with concentration, she moved the bow into the best position. Legolas' laughter increased two-fold when he saw Elle's twisted features. Elle loosened her grip and turned back to the cheeky elf.
"This is not funny!" As her concentration slipped, so did the arrow she was clutching. It flew through the air and shot straight into a tree. An agonised yelp was heard and an elf fell from the tall branches clasping his leg. The smile left Legolas' perfectly formed mouth. Elle flicked her flaming hair and remarked innocently, 'Whoops!'
"Um.I think I have to. see. an elf about.an.orc." Gulped Legolas, sprinting away.
"Oh, no you don't, Sonny Jim!" shrieked Elle, bolting after the swiftly retreating tight granite elfin ass.
Alicia and Morgan (who had become accustomed to wearing dark colours) fell about laughing as they watched from the relative safety of their balcony retreat. Once they recovered enough to speak, they gossiped about the sudden change in Elle.
"I don't know where that brain came from, but it must have been in hiding for a couple of centuries!" Alicia commented, leaning on the railing. Morgan threw a stone at a nearby bird, knocking the creature from its perch.
"Yeah, I think the 'I'm a ginger bimbo' thing was all an act." tutted Morgan as she sent another stone flying at the hapless bird. Alicia paused poetically, head tilted towards the sun.
"Uh huh, personally I think it's a good thing," she saw Morgan's look of bamboozlement, and hastily added, "y' know, no more having to explain things six times before she even remotely gets it."
"I don't care, it's her shit, yadda, yadda, yadda. What I want to know is when are the Fellowship leaving?" Morgan's face looked surprisingly serene, save her eyes, which glowed with inner malice. Alicia shrugged.
"Dunno exactly, remember we need to wait till all the scouts return? It was in the book, anyway, but how the hell do we get into the Fellowship in the first place? We can't join, coz of the nine verses nine thing, so who do we evict?" queried Alicia.
"Gimli!" Morgan retorted, a little too eagerly. Alicia, who being close to perfect loved all living things, even if they have scary beards, shuddered slightly then said resolutely,
"Why? Morgan, I know that slight upset at Mirkwood, which caused a rift between you and all of dwarf-kind may have prejudiced you slightly, but - " Alicia was interrupted by a furious Morgan before she could finish her sentence.
"Slight upset? SLIGHT UPSET?! Have you ever SEEN a dwarf NAKED?! LET ALONE THIRTEEN!!! I had eighty years of counselling for that!" Morgan and Alicia both shook with barely repressed terror at the thought. The girls were sitting in silence trying to keep their breakfast down, when a petrified Legolas ran through their line of vision, followed briefly by a rampaging Elle. Alicia leant over the railing and hollered encouragement to Legolas.
"Run, Forest, run!". Unfortunately, Alicia being of the clumsy persuasion, she toppled headfirst over the edge only to be caught by six hunky and semi - naked elves, all of whom were members of the 'I love Ali' fan club. She smiled sweetly as they lowered her to the ground. Morgan took slightly longer to join her companion in the garden because, like all normal people, she took the stairs. Once she arrived the pair took off faster than speeding elf maidens in long dresses.
"Say I'm a good archer!" Elle shouted, the expression in her wide open eyes giving the impression that she was an axe-toting psycho. ( Actually, this was quite an accurate description of her, if you replaced the world 'axe' with 'sharp pointy stick'.)
"Never!" protested Legolas. Deep down, he was finding the situation hysterical, albeit very deep down.
"Have it your way!" Elle charged forward, catching the spunky elf in a headlock. She lifted her hand to ruffle the helpless elf's hair, when Alicia jumped forward from nowhere, screaming 'Nooooooooo!' In a slow motion dive, she freed Legolas from Elle's headlock and landed next to him on the ground.
"My hero!" contributed a somewhat dazed Legolas. Alicia shoved a violin into Elle's outstretched arms and commanded,
"Play!" A very confused (for a change) Elle inquired
"Why?" Alicia rolled her eyes and explained,
"Passionate embrace = violin music, and you'll do as good as anybody." Elle did the best she could, eventually getting into the swing of things. She shook her head violently, flailing her loose hair around her face, which was fixed into a violin player's face (grimace, mixed with look of intense concentration, while staring as if high off into the middle distance.)
Legolas and Alicia didn't even notice Elle's supremely crap playing because they only had eyes for each other. They sat for some time pouting and staring at each other meaningfully.
Morgan puffed up to the strange scene and voiced her thoughts.
"What the fuck is up with you idiots?" Elle elaborately flicked her bow, enjoying her new-found 'talent' for playing violins.
"Romantic love scene, here, you take over." She thrust the instrument into Morgan's capable hands.
"Hell, no!" Morgan dropped the instrument at her feet, with a loud twanging noise. "Fancy a drink?" Elle did the 'Elvis' lip and shook her head.
"Nah, I might go for a walk or practice some swordy things." Morgan arched an eyebrow.
"Glorfindel's gonna be there." she said tantalisingly. Elle's face split in two with a smile that threatened to engulf several third-world countries.
"Oooooooo! I could get him to sign my Lush Elf / Man / Hobbit Book! Will Aragorn be there?" she asked hopefully.
"Nup, he's getting loved up with Arwen." Morgan yawned and stretched her arms.
"Will Boromir be there?" Elle beamed as she departed with Morgan. Morgan pulled a face.
"Eeeeuuuuwww! You like him?!" Elle shrugged.
" No, but I want Faramir's number! Ohmigod, he is hot!" She unconsciously speeded her pace, until they were out of sight, leaving Legolas and Alicia canoodling in a bush.
Disclaimer: I still hold that nobody actually reads disclaimers and they are, in fact, a pointless waste of time. But here goes. We own nothing, just Alicia, Elle and Morgan. Blah blah blah.
"Okaaay," Morgan was concentrating hard. Her tongue was hanging out the corner of her mouth. "Do you reckon we're in the film or book?" Elle was reciting over and over and over again :
"The square on the hypotenuse is equal to the square on the other two sides."
"Definitely book." Alicia stated confidently. "I mean, Legolas actually spoke at the Council! More than four words, as well!" She practised looking off into the middle distance, intoning 'You have my bow' over and over again.
"Right," Morgan nodded. "So we have..." she paused for thought. "...about two months till the Fellowship is formed." Elle broke off from her recitation long enough to ask,
"So?" in a very uninterested voice. Alicia and Morgan looked at each other, and rolled their eyes at each other.
"You haven't read -" began Alicia.
"NO!" screamed Elle, "So sue me!" Alicia's eyes lit up at the thought. Elle's parents were totally rolling in money. She was just about to accept the invitation, when Morgan spoke instead.
"So, we're going to join the Fellowship! And help them achieve world domination - I mean, help them destroy the Ring." She hastily amended. Neither Alicia or Elle had noticed her 'slip of the tongue'.
" Yeah, whatever," muttered Elle in her best 'Clueless' impression.
"You'll get to be a warrior princess type thing, like, say, Xena," Alicia said slyly. Elle's eyes lit up at the mention of her heroine and idol (after Miss Piggy of the Muppets, and Barbie, of course.)
"Wow!" she breathed. "Let's go, girls! We're gonna save the world!" She was suddenly transformed into a more stereotypical, gung-ho comic book character. Alicia and Morgan smirked.
They stood in front of Elrond, who looked slightly dumbfounded.
"Right, ladies, am I correct in assuming that you are wanting to become," he glanced at the cowering messenger elf beside him, " 'bodyguards and mentors' to the Fellowship? Who, by the way, currently exist of two little hobbits?" he looked at all three elves standing in front of him, glancing from the incredibly tall, angry-looking elf, to the little ginger one with bright eyes and a cheesy smile, to the one staring straight back in his eyes with her own piercing blue eyes, and raising a perfectly- manicured eyebrow as if daring him to refuse their request. This one was the one who had remained listening attentively at the Council, after her companions had departed. They all nodded in unison. Elrond gulped.
"Okay," he said slowly, "well, you'll have to begin an intensive training program..."
Alicia and Morgan trotted round the elven army compound, Alicia in a cute purple tracksuit, and Morgan wearing dark black garments, singing that well-known army chant:
"We are elven, yes indeed, We are what the Fellowship needs! We will help them on their quest, Stick by us coz we're the best!
We are elven, yes indeed, We will kill their enemies, We will help them get quite far..."
Here they paused, lost for inspiration.
"Wit and courage in a Wonderbra!" added Alicia with a cheeky grin. As they carried on round the perimeter of the camp, they came within sight of the archery range, where Elle was having lessons. As she selected one of her pink, fluffy arrows from her quiver, her little face was screwed up with concentration. Alicia and Morgan shared a quick look, then simultaneously darted for the safety of a nearby balcony, where they watched the scene below unfold.
Elle aimed her arrow at the closest target and chewed the corner of her lip. With one eye squinting (not an attractive pose - even for Elle) she let go of the arrow, letting it sail through the air. She closed her eyes and whispered a quick good luck prayer, but when she tentatively opened her eyes again, she saw the arrow had landed spearing the ground in front of her. The arrow was firmly embedded in the soil, as she discovered when she attempted to pluck the arrow from its landing position. She eventually mustered enough strength to haul the fluffy arrow from the ground, which was very reluctant to give up its prize. She was just thinking that her little practise had gone unnoticed when she heard a soft chuckling coming from over her left shoulder. Legolas' crumpled frame shook with laughter as he lay helplessly on the ground. Elle stormed over.
"I don't know what you're laughing at!" she spat ferociously.
"Elle, you are the worst archer I have ever seen!" said Legolas, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. Elle notched another arrow.
"Am not!" Her face pulled tight with concentration, she moved the bow into the best position. Legolas' laughter increased two-fold when he saw Elle's twisted features. Elle loosened her grip and turned back to the cheeky elf.
"This is not funny!" As her concentration slipped, so did the arrow she was clutching. It flew through the air and shot straight into a tree. An agonised yelp was heard and an elf fell from the tall branches clasping his leg. The smile left Legolas' perfectly formed mouth. Elle flicked her flaming hair and remarked innocently, 'Whoops!'
"Um.I think I have to. see. an elf about.an.orc." Gulped Legolas, sprinting away.
"Oh, no you don't, Sonny Jim!" shrieked Elle, bolting after the swiftly retreating tight granite elfin ass.
Alicia and Morgan (who had become accustomed to wearing dark colours) fell about laughing as they watched from the relative safety of their balcony retreat. Once they recovered enough to speak, they gossiped about the sudden change in Elle.
"I don't know where that brain came from, but it must have been in hiding for a couple of centuries!" Alicia commented, leaning on the railing. Morgan threw a stone at a nearby bird, knocking the creature from its perch.
"Yeah, I think the 'I'm a ginger bimbo' thing was all an act." tutted Morgan as she sent another stone flying at the hapless bird. Alicia paused poetically, head tilted towards the sun.
"Uh huh, personally I think it's a good thing," she saw Morgan's look of bamboozlement, and hastily added, "y' know, no more having to explain things six times before she even remotely gets it."
"I don't care, it's her shit, yadda, yadda, yadda. What I want to know is when are the Fellowship leaving?" Morgan's face looked surprisingly serene, save her eyes, which glowed with inner malice. Alicia shrugged.
"Dunno exactly, remember we need to wait till all the scouts return? It was in the book, anyway, but how the hell do we get into the Fellowship in the first place? We can't join, coz of the nine verses nine thing, so who do we evict?" queried Alicia.
"Gimli!" Morgan retorted, a little too eagerly. Alicia, who being close to perfect loved all living things, even if they have scary beards, shuddered slightly then said resolutely,
"Why? Morgan, I know that slight upset at Mirkwood, which caused a rift between you and all of dwarf-kind may have prejudiced you slightly, but - " Alicia was interrupted by a furious Morgan before she could finish her sentence.
"Slight upset? SLIGHT UPSET?! Have you ever SEEN a dwarf NAKED?! LET ALONE THIRTEEN!!! I had eighty years of counselling for that!" Morgan and Alicia both shook with barely repressed terror at the thought. The girls were sitting in silence trying to keep their breakfast down, when a petrified Legolas ran through their line of vision, followed briefly by a rampaging Elle. Alicia leant over the railing and hollered encouragement to Legolas.
"Run, Forest, run!". Unfortunately, Alicia being of the clumsy persuasion, she toppled headfirst over the edge only to be caught by six hunky and semi - naked elves, all of whom were members of the 'I love Ali' fan club. She smiled sweetly as they lowered her to the ground. Morgan took slightly longer to join her companion in the garden because, like all normal people, she took the stairs. Once she arrived the pair took off faster than speeding elf maidens in long dresses.
"Say I'm a good archer!" Elle shouted, the expression in her wide open eyes giving the impression that she was an axe-toting psycho. ( Actually, this was quite an accurate description of her, if you replaced the world 'axe' with 'sharp pointy stick'.)
"Never!" protested Legolas. Deep down, he was finding the situation hysterical, albeit very deep down.
"Have it your way!" Elle charged forward, catching the spunky elf in a headlock. She lifted her hand to ruffle the helpless elf's hair, when Alicia jumped forward from nowhere, screaming 'Nooooooooo!' In a slow motion dive, she freed Legolas from Elle's headlock and landed next to him on the ground.
"My hero!" contributed a somewhat dazed Legolas. Alicia shoved a violin into Elle's outstretched arms and commanded,
"Play!" A very confused (for a change) Elle inquired
"Why?" Alicia rolled her eyes and explained,
"Passionate embrace = violin music, and you'll do as good as anybody." Elle did the best she could, eventually getting into the swing of things. She shook her head violently, flailing her loose hair around her face, which was fixed into a violin player's face (grimace, mixed with look of intense concentration, while staring as if high off into the middle distance.)
Legolas and Alicia didn't even notice Elle's supremely crap playing because they only had eyes for each other. They sat for some time pouting and staring at each other meaningfully.
Morgan puffed up to the strange scene and voiced her thoughts.
"What the fuck is up with you idiots?" Elle elaborately flicked her bow, enjoying her new-found 'talent' for playing violins.
"Romantic love scene, here, you take over." She thrust the instrument into Morgan's capable hands.
"Hell, no!" Morgan dropped the instrument at her feet, with a loud twanging noise. "Fancy a drink?" Elle did the 'Elvis' lip and shook her head.
"Nah, I might go for a walk or practice some swordy things." Morgan arched an eyebrow.
"Glorfindel's gonna be there." she said tantalisingly. Elle's face split in two with a smile that threatened to engulf several third-world countries.
"Oooooooo! I could get him to sign my Lush Elf / Man / Hobbit Book! Will Aragorn be there?" she asked hopefully.
"Nup, he's getting loved up with Arwen." Morgan yawned and stretched her arms.
"Will Boromir be there?" Elle beamed as she departed with Morgan. Morgan pulled a face.
"Eeeeuuuuwww! You like him?!" Elle shrugged.
" No, but I want Faramir's number! Ohmigod, he is hot!" She unconsciously speeded her pace, until they were out of sight, leaving Legolas and Alicia canoodling in a bush.
