Chapter 11
(The one with the cross-pollination)
Disclaimer: This is to all our loving fans. Namely, Jo. And once again, none of this belongs to us. I admit to having stolen freely from Friends, Harry Potter, Star Wars and Discworld. We're very sorry, Mrs Rowling, Mr Pratchett and Mr Lucas, but it is so much easier to rip off other people's ideas than to come up with our own. And plus, I always wanted a lightsaber.
"Aww, damn!" Morgana was not better pleased. Elle and Alicia were. "Woooooo!" they yelled in unison. Elle whipped out a list (à la Austin Powers) of things she always wanted to do in her life, and scored off have a lightsaber. Having completed one of her other goals, pinch Orli's ass (very simple when you're best friend's going out with Orlando's alter ego), this only left rule the world. Good things come to those who wait. Anyway, basically the intrepid trio were standing on the rusty sand of Tatooine. The jazz tinkling of the Mos Eisley cantina was on the air. And Elle and Alicia were in ecstasy. Morgana had just come to the conclusion that an evil genius' time machine of dubious origins should never be trusted. Especially when you're already cross-pollinated more stories than you can do a Morris dance at. Elle was about to run off in search of her kindred spirit, JarJar Binks, when they heard a strange tearing sound. As they were in the middle of the desert, there didn't seem to be much explanation for this fact, other than the already unsteady space/time/genre/film continuum had finally given up. Their suspicions were confirmed when a quivering house elf was deposited on the sand. "DOBBY!" yelled Elle, hugging the house elf to within an inch of his dirty tea towel. Morgana rolled her eyes, but Alicia was pleased, if a little puzzled, to see a familiar face. "How's Olli?" badgered Elle. "Oh, and, um, is Prof. McGonagal still mad at us? OH! And how did you get here, you cute lil thang, you?" The house elf looked bemused. He bowed. "Dobby chased by bad man, miss, very bad man." He ventured. Morgana's eyes brightened. The Harry Potter books were her one weakness. "At laaaaaaaaaast," she cried in her vengeful evil voice "the caaaah- wad has deigned to recognise me as a threat!" Then, returning to her normal (ever so slightly less evil) voice, she continued "No more Moldie Voldie, la la la la la LA." At this point, there was another ominous ripping noise. Alicia brandished her lightsaber hilt, weighing it up in her hands, carefully introducing herself to her new weapon. Elle whipped hers out and managed to brain Dobby with it. "Whups!" she grimaced. Morgana snorted, being an evil genius she did not require a lightsaber. Alicia and Elle looked at each other, took a deep breath, both shouted 'ONE-' and switched on their sabres. There was the statutory electrical discharge noise, and two beams of light flickered into life. Alicia's was silver, with baby blue and pink stripes. Elle wielded a blacked beam of light. The two looked at each other. "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" they cheered, and threw their arms around each other, as if to hug. Alicia's saber burned a hole in Elle's hair, and Elle nearly decapitated Alicia, who was only saved by some reflex house elf reaction. Dobby, while still unconscious, somehow threw himself at Elle and managed to knock her aim off balance. During this time, Saruman stepped onto the sands. Morgana was taken aback. "But, you're not." she began. Saruman nodded. "I know, I'm not supposed to be here, but there's a much more lucrative market for battlestation plans, nobody wants Uruk-Hai anymore. So I've decided to branch out, expand the business.I tried once before, you know, selling glow in the dark fangs, but that never really took off the ground." he mused. "All I can say is people drive a bloody hard stake.bargain, bargain, a bloody hard bargain.Anyway, I thought I may as well pop over and build another genetically modified army, only this time I thought clones - they're the future, you know." Morgana fixed him with one of her glares. "That's not fair, you know. We're the only ones allowed to cross- pollinate, and anyway, everyone knows you're Saruman. And apart from anything else, how are we supposed to fight you in two worlds?" The wizard stroked his beard. "Well, I've come rather incognito, I hoped no-one would notice. I thought, now's the time, seize the throat.day, seize the day, change my name, cut the beard a bit, and volia! Entirely new dictator!" Morgana thought for a moment. "Well, that's all very well, but we're supposed to be foiling you. How can we do that if you're here?" Dooku started. "I can clone myself, you know, once I get the enterprise running. I'll make sure someone's in Orthanc to manage my affairs, I'm due a new henchman soon, actually, name of Grima. Nasty, greasy haired chap, maybe you know him? I got him from Evil Henchmen R Us, very reasonable rates." The wizard, moonlighting as a Jedi was interrupted by a timid voice. "No, Dooku, sir, save the world, Dobby will!" The tiny green wrinkly thing produced a minuscule lightsaber with a green blade, and proceed to aggravate Dooku, jumping around him like a frog on speed. "Stop evil tyrants, Yoda will! Malfoy slave no more, warrior great is he!" Alicia, Elle and Morgana strode away, leaving the wizened green thing and the alarmed looking Sith Lord to settle their own grievances. "Well, all's well that ends well, etc etc," muttered Elle, "But I wanted to use my lightsaber! Do you think I can keep it in Middle Earth?" Morgana was about to answer in the negative when Hayden Christiansen strode by, looking very dark and brooding, swirling his cape. Elle and Alicia promptly fell over in a dead faint, conveniently leaving Morgana alone to battle the hordes of groupies running after the beleaguered Jedi Knight, in a nod to the actions of Anakin and Obi-Wan in the film. Morgana sighed. She hated having to dirty her hands fighting the uncontrolled masses. She strode to the front of the crowd, and took something from her waist. "Okay, here I have my lightsaber. It's invisible yet scary. Anybody want to fight me?" All of Hayden's fans scrambled to get past the crazy lady. Morgana sighed. Again. She ignited her non-existent saber, and invited the surging crowds to attack. They did so. All the while, Morgana was intoning: 'Here is my invisible lightsaber. Rar.' and other such macho comments which the occasion seemed to call for. She dispatched three groupies with her empty hand, and the strength of their conviction she had an invisible lightsaber. The rest of the assemblage turned and fled, and as soon as they had done so, Alicia and Elle hopped up, apparently unhurt. Having convinced a troop of fans she held a lightsaber by their staunch conviction she did, Morgana was happy. One of her heroines was Granny Weatherwax from Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels. She dusted off her hands, and the three stepped into the wormhole which conveniently opened up to lead them back to Middle Earth.
Wise old lady, she says Yoda is really Dobby, and Dooku is really Saruman. Foolish casting agents. Did they really think they could fool us????
Disclaimer: This is to all our loving fans. Namely, Jo. And once again, none of this belongs to us. I admit to having stolen freely from Friends, Harry Potter, Star Wars and Discworld. We're very sorry, Mrs Rowling, Mr Pratchett and Mr Lucas, but it is so much easier to rip off other people's ideas than to come up with our own. And plus, I always wanted a lightsaber.
"Aww, damn!" Morgana was not better pleased. Elle and Alicia were. "Woooooo!" they yelled in unison. Elle whipped out a list (à la Austin Powers) of things she always wanted to do in her life, and scored off have a lightsaber. Having completed one of her other goals, pinch Orli's ass (very simple when you're best friend's going out with Orlando's alter ego), this only left rule the world. Good things come to those who wait. Anyway, basically the intrepid trio were standing on the rusty sand of Tatooine. The jazz tinkling of the Mos Eisley cantina was on the air. And Elle and Alicia were in ecstasy. Morgana had just come to the conclusion that an evil genius' time machine of dubious origins should never be trusted. Especially when you're already cross-pollinated more stories than you can do a Morris dance at. Elle was about to run off in search of her kindred spirit, JarJar Binks, when they heard a strange tearing sound. As they were in the middle of the desert, there didn't seem to be much explanation for this fact, other than the already unsteady space/time/genre/film continuum had finally given up. Their suspicions were confirmed when a quivering house elf was deposited on the sand. "DOBBY!" yelled Elle, hugging the house elf to within an inch of his dirty tea towel. Morgana rolled her eyes, but Alicia was pleased, if a little puzzled, to see a familiar face. "How's Olli?" badgered Elle. "Oh, and, um, is Prof. McGonagal still mad at us? OH! And how did you get here, you cute lil thang, you?" The house elf looked bemused. He bowed. "Dobby chased by bad man, miss, very bad man." He ventured. Morgana's eyes brightened. The Harry Potter books were her one weakness. "At laaaaaaaaaast," she cried in her vengeful evil voice "the caaaah- wad has deigned to recognise me as a threat!" Then, returning to her normal (ever so slightly less evil) voice, she continued "No more Moldie Voldie, la la la la la LA." At this point, there was another ominous ripping noise. Alicia brandished her lightsaber hilt, weighing it up in her hands, carefully introducing herself to her new weapon. Elle whipped hers out and managed to brain Dobby with it. "Whups!" she grimaced. Morgana snorted, being an evil genius she did not require a lightsaber. Alicia and Elle looked at each other, took a deep breath, both shouted 'ONE-' and switched on their sabres. There was the statutory electrical discharge noise, and two beams of light flickered into life. Alicia's was silver, with baby blue and pink stripes. Elle wielded a blacked beam of light. The two looked at each other. "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" they cheered, and threw their arms around each other, as if to hug. Alicia's saber burned a hole in Elle's hair, and Elle nearly decapitated Alicia, who was only saved by some reflex house elf reaction. Dobby, while still unconscious, somehow threw himself at Elle and managed to knock her aim off balance. During this time, Saruman stepped onto the sands. Morgana was taken aback. "But, you're not." she began. Saruman nodded. "I know, I'm not supposed to be here, but there's a much more lucrative market for battlestation plans, nobody wants Uruk-Hai anymore. So I've decided to branch out, expand the business.I tried once before, you know, selling glow in the dark fangs, but that never really took off the ground." he mused. "All I can say is people drive a bloody hard stake.bargain, bargain, a bloody hard bargain.Anyway, I thought I may as well pop over and build another genetically modified army, only this time I thought clones - they're the future, you know." Morgana fixed him with one of her glares. "That's not fair, you know. We're the only ones allowed to cross- pollinate, and anyway, everyone knows you're Saruman. And apart from anything else, how are we supposed to fight you in two worlds?" The wizard stroked his beard. "Well, I've come rather incognito, I hoped no-one would notice. I thought, now's the time, seize the throat.day, seize the day, change my name, cut the beard a bit, and volia! Entirely new dictator!" Morgana thought for a moment. "Well, that's all very well, but we're supposed to be foiling you. How can we do that if you're here?" Dooku started. "I can clone myself, you know, once I get the enterprise running. I'll make sure someone's in Orthanc to manage my affairs, I'm due a new henchman soon, actually, name of Grima. Nasty, greasy haired chap, maybe you know him? I got him from Evil Henchmen R Us, very reasonable rates." The wizard, moonlighting as a Jedi was interrupted by a timid voice. "No, Dooku, sir, save the world, Dobby will!" The tiny green wrinkly thing produced a minuscule lightsaber with a green blade, and proceed to aggravate Dooku, jumping around him like a frog on speed. "Stop evil tyrants, Yoda will! Malfoy slave no more, warrior great is he!" Alicia, Elle and Morgana strode away, leaving the wizened green thing and the alarmed looking Sith Lord to settle their own grievances. "Well, all's well that ends well, etc etc," muttered Elle, "But I wanted to use my lightsaber! Do you think I can keep it in Middle Earth?" Morgana was about to answer in the negative when Hayden Christiansen strode by, looking very dark and brooding, swirling his cape. Elle and Alicia promptly fell over in a dead faint, conveniently leaving Morgana alone to battle the hordes of groupies running after the beleaguered Jedi Knight, in a nod to the actions of Anakin and Obi-Wan in the film. Morgana sighed. She hated having to dirty her hands fighting the uncontrolled masses. She strode to the front of the crowd, and took something from her waist. "Okay, here I have my lightsaber. It's invisible yet scary. Anybody want to fight me?" All of Hayden's fans scrambled to get past the crazy lady. Morgana sighed. Again. She ignited her non-existent saber, and invited the surging crowds to attack. They did so. All the while, Morgana was intoning: 'Here is my invisible lightsaber. Rar.' and other such macho comments which the occasion seemed to call for. She dispatched three groupies with her empty hand, and the strength of their conviction she had an invisible lightsaber. The rest of the assemblage turned and fled, and as soon as they had done so, Alicia and Elle hopped up, apparently unhurt. Having convinced a troop of fans she held a lightsaber by their staunch conviction she did, Morgana was happy. One of her heroines was Granny Weatherwax from Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels. She dusted off her hands, and the three stepped into the wormhole which conveniently opened up to lead them back to Middle Earth.
Wise old lady, she says Yoda is really Dobby, and Dooku is really Saruman. Foolish casting agents. Did they really think they could fool us????
