Jhondie
I was throwing some stuff in a bag when Justin came in my room. I wanted to tell him to get out. I wanted to yell and scream and cry and a whole host of other things. I wanted it all to just go away. I didn't want superpowers anymore. I hated them. I hated this. I hated my memories. I didn't want to remember Bryn and Max and how cold it was. Didn't want to think about Max going under the ice, but pushing on. She would live. I knew that then. I hated this. HATED IT HATED IT HATED IT!!
Justin didn't say a word to me. Jerk. It wasn't fair. If he had said something I could have yelled at him and pushed past him and stalked out. I had an idea of how to find Zack relatively easy. I could have left LA and taken off with him and helped him keep the others safe from that point on. But Justin didn't say anything. It was like he knew. I don't know. I had never said and there was no way that he could have known why it still hurt so much to think about it, but somehow, he just knew.
No words. He simply took my wrist and kept me from shoving some jeans in my bag. I didn't try to resist. I had hurt him enough already today. Why wasn't he afraid of me? Didn't he see what a monster I was? Couldn't he tell? He was smart; why wouldn't he admit it to himself that I was never going to be safe to have around. I had heard some of what Kayla said in the kitchen. She was right. I wasn't human. Never had been, never would be. Still no words from Justin. I didn't fight him and he pulled me close to him, his arms wrapping tightly around me, my head tucking under his chin, fitting together perfectly as we had so many times before.
"I want to go," I whispered weakly.
"I know."
Still didn't let me go. Strong. Capable. Trained. Dangerous. I was all that and more. Yet I still couldn't get away from him. Shove back. Wouldn't hurt him. Just make him take a step back. Outrun. Easy enough. Gone in an instant. Gone. Everything would be gone. Warmth. Laughter. Hope. Love. A soldier didn't need any of that in her life anyways. Justin couldn't understand that life ever. He had told me before that if I had to leave, he would come with me, but he couldn't. It wasn't a life for a human. Maybe for us, but we weren't human, now were we?
"I don't think I belong here anymore," I said, trying to make him see. Make him understand. He must have. His arms loosened.
"I think you're right about that," he said softly, looking down at me. "I think you belong with me." He touched my face softly. Had I any tears left, I would have probably been crying again. "Come home with me." And then his arms tightened around me again and I was listening to the soothing sound of his heart beating steadily.
"I hurt you," I said, wanting him to see me the way I really was. How could he trust me? I was nothing but an accident waiting to happen.
"Doesn't count."
Was he that blind? "Of course it counts," I protested. "I hurt you. And next time it might be worse."
A tiny smile brightened his eyes. "Remember a couple of weeks ago when we were playing around and I started tickling you? You hit your head on the side of the bed. If this counts, then that should count more since I was doing it willfully."
There was so much to say. So much to argue. But the silence seemed to make more of a point then words. I wanted to be somewhere where nobody would know I was a freak. Where I could be me. I didn't want to be here. Didn't want little glances trying to check out the barcode. Odd looks when I said something reminiscent of my origins. I just wanted...just wanted to be with someone that knew all of it, and quite simply didn't give a damn.
"Justin?"
"Hmm?"
"Take me home."
I didn't realize until he let out a breath that he had been holding it. Again, jerk. He could have let me know he was nervous about the fact I was flipping out on him. Not that I needed him all freaked out. I had to admit, it was nice to know that there was someone else who was willing to be the strong one when I couldn't be. He leaned over and kissed me softly. I knew that he wanted to take away the hurt, but he couldn't really. Some things I was just going to have to shoulder on my own. But it was nice that he was there for now.
"I'll be downstairs," he said. Good. He could take care of my mother and sister and I could walk out. Maybe I would just take the window. I did not want to deal with them anymore today. I had no idea what I might say next. I had spent so long trying to keep things from them for their own good, and now they were pushing, not understanding that they didn't really want to know the truth. They thought they did, but if they had the choice between keeping that knowledge and being able to forget, they would choose forgetting in a second. I knew I would. I bet Kay was already wishing she had stayed in her room and not tried to steal my skirt.
Justin left and I finished throwing some things in my bag. But I did take out our Prom picture and put it back on my shelf. I wasn't going to need it with me. Just some clothes were needed. In reality, I didn't even need those. I had clothes and even a toothbrush over at Justin's already. I sighed. All I had to do to move in there would be changing my address at school. Maybe I should just go ahead and do that. Did I want to move in just to move in though, or was it to hide from my family here? I picked up my bag and headed down the stairs, pausing at the head of them when I heard Kayla speaking.
"I don't get it," she was saying. "Why is Jhondie so freaked about all of that when whatshisface said that the other one *chose* to go back?"
"Zack," Mom interrupted. "His name is Zack."
"Zack, whatever," Kayla said, frustrated. "Point is, how is it so bad for her where she won't even talk about it and the other one decided she would rather go back than die? Aren't you supposed to say you'd rather live than die under any circumstances?"
"I don't know why Jhondie is so different," Mom said as I went down the steps quietly. I could hear the frustration in her voice and knew they must have been trying to get answers from Justin. If anything could have made me love him more, it was knowing that he wasn't letting people know things that I had told him in confidence, even if he thought it was for my own good. "But she thinks she is and that's what counts. I would hope in that kind of situation, she would then realize that there's always another chance for escape if she lived and that..."
"There wouldn't be another chance for me," I said coldly. Mom looked up sharply. She had forgotten how quiet I could move. Never seen, never heard. Maybe that was the Manticore creed. Right up there with Mission, Discipline and Duty. I started walking to the door, and then stopped, knowing I shouldn't be saying it but my mouth going anyways.
"Maybe Bryn can get out. But there's no way that they are going to believe that I don't know where the others are. And trust me, they are going to do whatever is needed to get that out of me."
"Why you?" Kayla asked. If she hadn't of asked like she did, her voice full of snotty disbelief, then I might have ignored her and left. But she needed a dose of reality. I wasn't the girly, fluffy sister she had always thought me to be.
"Because I became Zack's second in command the night we escaped. And I went back and got him out. He took a tazer for Max and I wasn't going to lose him and Eva in the same night. Max went under the ice, good place to hide as any until the guards passed, I sent Bryn on and then I went back for Zack. Stupid guard didn't think any of us would do that. Hadn't even called for reinforcements. Took him out and then helped Zack until he didn't need me and we separated. They wouldn't believe that Zack's kept me in the dark for so long after all of that. By rights, I should either be with him or we're separately helping the others."
I went to leave, but Mom had to ask for a clarification. "You took the guard out? How?" she asked.
"I asked him nicely," I said sarcastically. "With a pretty please and a cherry on top. How do you think, mother? I came up behind him and snapped his neck. He didn't even hear it coming." I hated myself for relishing the look of shock on her face before I turned again and walked out.
Justin
Well, if you wanted a top ten list of seriously dramatic exits, Jhondie's would have to be at the top of said list. The last thing I was ever expecting from her was to admit to killing someone. I didn't know about the guard, but it didn't surprise me. Those kids were running for their lives. Anyone getting in the way at that moment was going to be deemed expendable, especially when they were shooting at them already.
Jhondie brushed past me and jumped into my car. I thought about saying something to Mrs. Harris, but there didn't seem to be anything in the world that would get rid of the shock she had just experienced. Time, maybe. I knew that she knew the purpose of Manticore. What else were they going to be learning there? But she really only knew the Jhondie she had raised. She had never seen Jhondie like I had when we were working for Eyes Only. There was still a soldier lurking beneath the surface. But Jhondie never wanted her mother to see that side of her. Not until today at least.
I got in the driver's seat and Jhondie had her head in her hands. It was an official "oh my God what did I just do" look if I had ever seen one. "Jhondie..." I tried to say something, but even now I'm not sure what was going to come after that.
"Drive," she said tightly. "Please. Just drive."
I started the car and started heading towards my apartment. I had a feeling she was holding onto her mind by the thinnest of threads and didn't want to push her. For the first time I thought about breaking and going behind her back to the boss and ask for his help find a couple more of her siblings. Maybe they would be able to help her deal with this in a way that I couldn't. They had been part of it and had lost their sister too. And Jhondie was dealing not only with the loss of her Manticore sister, but the possible loss of her adoptive family as well.
"I can't believe I said that," she muttered finally. She looked up, her eyes wide and staring blankly ahead. "Oh my God. I can't believe that I said that."
"They needed to hear it," I replied. Maybe. Maybe not. More towards the not, but I wasn't going to tell Jhondie that right then. She looked over at me a little suspiciously.
"You're not surprised at all," she said, her tone suddenly sharp and accusing. "Did you suspect it all along? That I was more of a killer than I had told you."
I wanted to pull over and talk to her calmly. Let her know everything that I knew. But we were on the freeway and if you've ever driven in LA before, you know that causing problems in traffic is a good way to end up with some serious bullet holes riddling your car and body. All I could do then was put on the investigative face and try to keep her from jumping out of the car.
"Let's see, you guys have a hell of a lot of training in how to escape and evade, you're putting it to the ultimate test and they were shooting first. Honestly, I would be surprised if that was the only guard that got killed that night." She seemed to settle back a little. "The only thing that gets to me is why you still feel so bad over what happened to a guy yanked off of death row, but not at all over the other."
She shrugged, still looking defensive. "The night we escaped, I was fighting for my life. Zack's life, all of them. The other time...we were just animals on the hunt." Now the defensiveness seemed to fade. "I can stand the thought of protecting the people I love. I don't want to be...someone who can hurt people deliberately. Like I just did to Mom and Kay." Her bruised and swollen face was back in her hands and she was crying again.
This time I was close enough to an exit. I cut down it sharply, pulling into an abandoned restaurant's parking lot and took her in my arms as soon as I could throw the car into park. She tried to pull away from me but I wasn't about to let her go. For once she wasn't going to have to face her nightmares alone. She was going to know that I was there with her and for her.
"Don't touch me!" she cried, trying to get away from me. Well, at least making an attempt at acting like she didn't want me to touch her. If she really didn't, she would have gotten out of the car. Instead of listening, I jerked her to me and didn't let go. If she wanted to get away, she was going to have to use force.
"No," I said, trying to hold onto as much of her as I could. "I won't let you go. Not like this, baby. Not ever."
"DON'T YOU GET IT?" she screamed at me, making me jerk back, almost letting her go but not quite. Her eyes blazed hotly at me. "I'M NOT HUMAN!" Her voice lowered slightly, but there was no less intensity to go with the lowering of the volume. "I am going to hurt you. I am going to lie to you and make you miserable. And you can say all you want that good times make up for it, but it doesn't change the fact that I can't be human. All I can do is hurt people and cause pain and suffering. And lies. Oh God, I can lie like you can't believe. And I am going to do it because I can't keep from doing it. I can try to stop myself and be a good person, but underneath that monster, that animal is still there." A harsh sob wracked her body. "I can't ever be a human, Justin. You've seen me at my worst, why won't you understand that?"
I had never, ever suspected the depths of the hurt Manticore had done to her. She had been out for so many years. She had been free for so long, I didn't think she could still think like that. Still believe all of the lies that they had beat into her. "Jhondie," I managed to get out, my voice higher pitched then normal. "Of course we're going to have bad times. You're going to make me mad and hurt me and I'm going to do the same to you. Lots of things are going to be said and done that we regret. And we'll make up for it later and try again. That *is* what makes you human all along."
Her struggles ended and she collapsed against my chest, both of us rocking slightly and for a long time on that dark, early spring night, I wasn't sure if the moisture on my face was from her tears or mine.
I was throwing some stuff in a bag when Justin came in my room. I wanted to tell him to get out. I wanted to yell and scream and cry and a whole host of other things. I wanted it all to just go away. I didn't want superpowers anymore. I hated them. I hated this. I hated my memories. I didn't want to remember Bryn and Max and how cold it was. Didn't want to think about Max going under the ice, but pushing on. She would live. I knew that then. I hated this. HATED IT HATED IT HATED IT!!
Justin didn't say a word to me. Jerk. It wasn't fair. If he had said something I could have yelled at him and pushed past him and stalked out. I had an idea of how to find Zack relatively easy. I could have left LA and taken off with him and helped him keep the others safe from that point on. But Justin didn't say anything. It was like he knew. I don't know. I had never said and there was no way that he could have known why it still hurt so much to think about it, but somehow, he just knew.
No words. He simply took my wrist and kept me from shoving some jeans in my bag. I didn't try to resist. I had hurt him enough already today. Why wasn't he afraid of me? Didn't he see what a monster I was? Couldn't he tell? He was smart; why wouldn't he admit it to himself that I was never going to be safe to have around. I had heard some of what Kayla said in the kitchen. She was right. I wasn't human. Never had been, never would be. Still no words from Justin. I didn't fight him and he pulled me close to him, his arms wrapping tightly around me, my head tucking under his chin, fitting together perfectly as we had so many times before.
"I want to go," I whispered weakly.
"I know."
Still didn't let me go. Strong. Capable. Trained. Dangerous. I was all that and more. Yet I still couldn't get away from him. Shove back. Wouldn't hurt him. Just make him take a step back. Outrun. Easy enough. Gone in an instant. Gone. Everything would be gone. Warmth. Laughter. Hope. Love. A soldier didn't need any of that in her life anyways. Justin couldn't understand that life ever. He had told me before that if I had to leave, he would come with me, but he couldn't. It wasn't a life for a human. Maybe for us, but we weren't human, now were we?
"I don't think I belong here anymore," I said, trying to make him see. Make him understand. He must have. His arms loosened.
"I think you're right about that," he said softly, looking down at me. "I think you belong with me." He touched my face softly. Had I any tears left, I would have probably been crying again. "Come home with me." And then his arms tightened around me again and I was listening to the soothing sound of his heart beating steadily.
"I hurt you," I said, wanting him to see me the way I really was. How could he trust me? I was nothing but an accident waiting to happen.
"Doesn't count."
Was he that blind? "Of course it counts," I protested. "I hurt you. And next time it might be worse."
A tiny smile brightened his eyes. "Remember a couple of weeks ago when we were playing around and I started tickling you? You hit your head on the side of the bed. If this counts, then that should count more since I was doing it willfully."
There was so much to say. So much to argue. But the silence seemed to make more of a point then words. I wanted to be somewhere where nobody would know I was a freak. Where I could be me. I didn't want to be here. Didn't want little glances trying to check out the barcode. Odd looks when I said something reminiscent of my origins. I just wanted...just wanted to be with someone that knew all of it, and quite simply didn't give a damn.
"Justin?"
"Hmm?"
"Take me home."
I didn't realize until he let out a breath that he had been holding it. Again, jerk. He could have let me know he was nervous about the fact I was flipping out on him. Not that I needed him all freaked out. I had to admit, it was nice to know that there was someone else who was willing to be the strong one when I couldn't be. He leaned over and kissed me softly. I knew that he wanted to take away the hurt, but he couldn't really. Some things I was just going to have to shoulder on my own. But it was nice that he was there for now.
"I'll be downstairs," he said. Good. He could take care of my mother and sister and I could walk out. Maybe I would just take the window. I did not want to deal with them anymore today. I had no idea what I might say next. I had spent so long trying to keep things from them for their own good, and now they were pushing, not understanding that they didn't really want to know the truth. They thought they did, but if they had the choice between keeping that knowledge and being able to forget, they would choose forgetting in a second. I knew I would. I bet Kay was already wishing she had stayed in her room and not tried to steal my skirt.
Justin left and I finished throwing some things in my bag. But I did take out our Prom picture and put it back on my shelf. I wasn't going to need it with me. Just some clothes were needed. In reality, I didn't even need those. I had clothes and even a toothbrush over at Justin's already. I sighed. All I had to do to move in there would be changing my address at school. Maybe I should just go ahead and do that. Did I want to move in just to move in though, or was it to hide from my family here? I picked up my bag and headed down the stairs, pausing at the head of them when I heard Kayla speaking.
"I don't get it," she was saying. "Why is Jhondie so freaked about all of that when whatshisface said that the other one *chose* to go back?"
"Zack," Mom interrupted. "His name is Zack."
"Zack, whatever," Kayla said, frustrated. "Point is, how is it so bad for her where she won't even talk about it and the other one decided she would rather go back than die? Aren't you supposed to say you'd rather live than die under any circumstances?"
"I don't know why Jhondie is so different," Mom said as I went down the steps quietly. I could hear the frustration in her voice and knew they must have been trying to get answers from Justin. If anything could have made me love him more, it was knowing that he wasn't letting people know things that I had told him in confidence, even if he thought it was for my own good. "But she thinks she is and that's what counts. I would hope in that kind of situation, she would then realize that there's always another chance for escape if she lived and that..."
"There wouldn't be another chance for me," I said coldly. Mom looked up sharply. She had forgotten how quiet I could move. Never seen, never heard. Maybe that was the Manticore creed. Right up there with Mission, Discipline and Duty. I started walking to the door, and then stopped, knowing I shouldn't be saying it but my mouth going anyways.
"Maybe Bryn can get out. But there's no way that they are going to believe that I don't know where the others are. And trust me, they are going to do whatever is needed to get that out of me."
"Why you?" Kayla asked. If she hadn't of asked like she did, her voice full of snotty disbelief, then I might have ignored her and left. But she needed a dose of reality. I wasn't the girly, fluffy sister she had always thought me to be.
"Because I became Zack's second in command the night we escaped. And I went back and got him out. He took a tazer for Max and I wasn't going to lose him and Eva in the same night. Max went under the ice, good place to hide as any until the guards passed, I sent Bryn on and then I went back for Zack. Stupid guard didn't think any of us would do that. Hadn't even called for reinforcements. Took him out and then helped Zack until he didn't need me and we separated. They wouldn't believe that Zack's kept me in the dark for so long after all of that. By rights, I should either be with him or we're separately helping the others."
I went to leave, but Mom had to ask for a clarification. "You took the guard out? How?" she asked.
"I asked him nicely," I said sarcastically. "With a pretty please and a cherry on top. How do you think, mother? I came up behind him and snapped his neck. He didn't even hear it coming." I hated myself for relishing the look of shock on her face before I turned again and walked out.
Justin
Well, if you wanted a top ten list of seriously dramatic exits, Jhondie's would have to be at the top of said list. The last thing I was ever expecting from her was to admit to killing someone. I didn't know about the guard, but it didn't surprise me. Those kids were running for their lives. Anyone getting in the way at that moment was going to be deemed expendable, especially when they were shooting at them already.
Jhondie brushed past me and jumped into my car. I thought about saying something to Mrs. Harris, but there didn't seem to be anything in the world that would get rid of the shock she had just experienced. Time, maybe. I knew that she knew the purpose of Manticore. What else were they going to be learning there? But she really only knew the Jhondie she had raised. She had never seen Jhondie like I had when we were working for Eyes Only. There was still a soldier lurking beneath the surface. But Jhondie never wanted her mother to see that side of her. Not until today at least.
I got in the driver's seat and Jhondie had her head in her hands. It was an official "oh my God what did I just do" look if I had ever seen one. "Jhondie..." I tried to say something, but even now I'm not sure what was going to come after that.
"Drive," she said tightly. "Please. Just drive."
I started the car and started heading towards my apartment. I had a feeling she was holding onto her mind by the thinnest of threads and didn't want to push her. For the first time I thought about breaking and going behind her back to the boss and ask for his help find a couple more of her siblings. Maybe they would be able to help her deal with this in a way that I couldn't. They had been part of it and had lost their sister too. And Jhondie was dealing not only with the loss of her Manticore sister, but the possible loss of her adoptive family as well.
"I can't believe I said that," she muttered finally. She looked up, her eyes wide and staring blankly ahead. "Oh my God. I can't believe that I said that."
"They needed to hear it," I replied. Maybe. Maybe not. More towards the not, but I wasn't going to tell Jhondie that right then. She looked over at me a little suspiciously.
"You're not surprised at all," she said, her tone suddenly sharp and accusing. "Did you suspect it all along? That I was more of a killer than I had told you."
I wanted to pull over and talk to her calmly. Let her know everything that I knew. But we were on the freeway and if you've ever driven in LA before, you know that causing problems in traffic is a good way to end up with some serious bullet holes riddling your car and body. All I could do then was put on the investigative face and try to keep her from jumping out of the car.
"Let's see, you guys have a hell of a lot of training in how to escape and evade, you're putting it to the ultimate test and they were shooting first. Honestly, I would be surprised if that was the only guard that got killed that night." She seemed to settle back a little. "The only thing that gets to me is why you still feel so bad over what happened to a guy yanked off of death row, but not at all over the other."
She shrugged, still looking defensive. "The night we escaped, I was fighting for my life. Zack's life, all of them. The other time...we were just animals on the hunt." Now the defensiveness seemed to fade. "I can stand the thought of protecting the people I love. I don't want to be...someone who can hurt people deliberately. Like I just did to Mom and Kay." Her bruised and swollen face was back in her hands and she was crying again.
This time I was close enough to an exit. I cut down it sharply, pulling into an abandoned restaurant's parking lot and took her in my arms as soon as I could throw the car into park. She tried to pull away from me but I wasn't about to let her go. For once she wasn't going to have to face her nightmares alone. She was going to know that I was there with her and for her.
"Don't touch me!" she cried, trying to get away from me. Well, at least making an attempt at acting like she didn't want me to touch her. If she really didn't, she would have gotten out of the car. Instead of listening, I jerked her to me and didn't let go. If she wanted to get away, she was going to have to use force.
"No," I said, trying to hold onto as much of her as I could. "I won't let you go. Not like this, baby. Not ever."
"DON'T YOU GET IT?" she screamed at me, making me jerk back, almost letting her go but not quite. Her eyes blazed hotly at me. "I'M NOT HUMAN!" Her voice lowered slightly, but there was no less intensity to go with the lowering of the volume. "I am going to hurt you. I am going to lie to you and make you miserable. And you can say all you want that good times make up for it, but it doesn't change the fact that I can't be human. All I can do is hurt people and cause pain and suffering. And lies. Oh God, I can lie like you can't believe. And I am going to do it because I can't keep from doing it. I can try to stop myself and be a good person, but underneath that monster, that animal is still there." A harsh sob wracked her body. "I can't ever be a human, Justin. You've seen me at my worst, why won't you understand that?"
I had never, ever suspected the depths of the hurt Manticore had done to her. She had been out for so many years. She had been free for so long, I didn't think she could still think like that. Still believe all of the lies that they had beat into her. "Jhondie," I managed to get out, my voice higher pitched then normal. "Of course we're going to have bad times. You're going to make me mad and hurt me and I'm going to do the same to you. Lots of things are going to be said and done that we regret. And we'll make up for it later and try again. That *is* what makes you human all along."
Her struggles ended and she collapsed against my chest, both of us rocking slightly and for a long time on that dark, early spring night, I wasn't sure if the moisture on my face was from her tears or mine.
