Jhondie
A day passed. Then two and a third followed quickly. The days seemed to flow together in one continuous mass and the next thing I knew I was blinking at the calendar, wondering how over three weeks could disappear and I not even notice. I could tell myself over and over to stop this, you're not helping anyone, least of all yourself, but nothing was working and I really wasn't sure why.
I just couldn't shake off this feeling of doom that was lying over me like a blanket. I knew Justin was feeling hurt and confused at my sudden distance after the night that Kayla tried to sneak her boyfriend in, but I couldn't explain it to myself, so how could I explain things to him? All I knew was that I didn't feel like I belonged anymore. Like I shouldn't be there. Like I should call Zack and make alternate plans for my life.
It wasn't right and it wasn't fair, and intellectually I knew that, but I just couldn't stop feeling that way. It would be better all around. Maybe I needed to be with those that could understand me and what it was like to have gone through everything that I had. And didn't Justin deserve someone that he could really be with forever? He had been spending a lot of the last few weeks with Nikki and I wasn't jealous in the slightest. I wasn't helping him and she was there.
I wondered if she would be there in other ways if I left. I tried making myself think about that to get angry and want to stomp her. I just wanted to feel something really. But it seemed like a good solution. Justin would be upset for a while, but then he could get over it and move on with his life. Nikki was a good person really. Justin deserved to have someone that he could make a real life with. I was a freak of science, obviously not worthy of a lifetime commitment to someone.
He wouldn't leave me alone though. I wasn't pushing him away so much as letting attrition take it's course. That seemed all for the best. Just drift through the days and wait for the inevitable. I still went to school. Routines were still happening. Mom went to work and Kayla was still taking ballet classes three times a week. She wasn't spending all of her time at home on the phone, but that was only because she was seven shades grounded. Justin had a couple of final projects that he was working on and I did what I normally did.
It just all felt so empty and useless. I was living a lie. Nothing was right anymore. Nothing. If I kept up the class schedule I had now, then I would be graduating in three years instead of four. Maybe three and a semester. My professors had been stunned at the course load that I could manage, especially in the summer time, but it was nothing to me. I was genetically engineered to adapt to any situation and complete all missions. College was easy. I should be getting ready to take the MCAT so that I could apply to medical schools, but that didn't even get me to break out of the monotony of life. It was more like, why bother since you're not going to be here much longer.
Justin was taking the brunt of that. He knew it and I knew that it was bothering him. I would come over and just study or watch TV and it was more like we were acquaintances than lovers. Small talk about school and work and what was going on and that was that. We hadn't slept together since that last night and I hadn't even spent the night since then either. It wasn't that I would have refused. He just knew I wasn't interested and didn't want to push. Attrition. Simple attrition.
There were a couple of things that I hadn't planned on. Maybe one of them was more forgotten then not planned and the other I simply didn't know. The first was that Justin had never been a passive person. Attrition required passivity. The second...the second was something I had no idea about until I heard it being shouted at me. And that made all the difference in the world.
I was over at his apartment when he came home from his Friday classes. They were morning. I didn't have any. I had a report that was due in a couple of weeks and was working on it. I was just grateful it wasn't for Women's Studies. I was so sick of that class it wasn't funny. But to be fair, I was pretty sick of all of my classes. None of them meant anything to me, even the ones that I had liked. They no longer seemed like the gateway to my future. They seemed like a tease for a future that could never be for one of my kind. I was still doing great in them though. Mission completed as ordered, sir.
Justin came home and saw me pecking on the computer, glancing over my notes and then writing a few more lines. Normally I fly through things like that, but I was rather disinterested in the lot of it.
"Hey," he said brightly. It had been a few days since I had seen him at all actually.
"Hey," I muttered back. I could see a ghost of his reflection in the monitor and his response to my less-than-enthusiastic response was obvious.
"Genetics paper?" he asked, not touching me. That was a first. He had still been at least giving me a quick kiss on the cheek at the very least.
"Yeah," I replied. I had mentioned that I had a paper to do in that class. "Just messing with it if you need the computer."
"I'm good." And then he was in the kitchen getting something. I saved my paper and got my stuff together. I shouldn't have come over at all. I don't know why I did. I still felt drawn here no matter what I thought was best.
"Leaving?" I heard him ask from the doorway. "You don't have to take off every time I walk into a room, you know."
"I know that."
There was the longest pause. I knew he was still behind me, watching me. "You're not coming back are you." It wasn't a question.
I sighed. "Justin, you know..."
"No I don't," he snapped, cutting me off. "I don't know anything anymore Jhondie. All I know is that you're toying with me. You don't know if you're going to stay or go. So you play here and play there and make us all wait for you. I'm tired of waiting for you to decide if you're going to start living again." He left me, open mouthed, in the room. I heard him throw his glass into the sink. It didn't register quite then, but when I thought about it later, I realized that I was shocked. More important than being shocked that he had said that to me, I *felt* shocked. I felt. For the first time in weeks, there was more than just numbness.
I went into the living room. He was staring out the sliding glass doors, watching the city skyline. After two years, I guess he deserved some kind of explanation. "It's not like I stopped loving you," I said softly. No response. "But I've been forced to realize that I should have taken on my responsibilities from the start and not dump them all on Zack."
"Because we all know that you're responsible for everything that they do," he said bitterly.
"I should be." Why wouldn't he look at me? "I don't think I'm doing any good here anymore and maybe I can do better out there." He snorted and I rolled my eyes, anger rising in me. When had he ever had that kind of responsibility put on him? He could walk away from it whenever he wanted to in his charmed little life. What did he know of deprivation? Of pain and suffering? Watching brothers and sisters being taken away to die?
"I know you can't possibly understand now, but one day you will get it and..."
Justin spun around on me so fast I took a step back. I had seen him angry before, but never this pissed. For a second, I would have sworn that he was about to hit me. "I don't get it," he mocked. "How could I possibly get it? How could I possibly have any idea what forty-six hours and eleven minutes means to you?"
I couldn't help flinch at that. He didn't know. I had never told him. Zack certainly would never have said a word. I knew what he was doing. It was what made him such a great investigator. He knew there was something there and was going to act like he knew. Then I would say something, let it slip, and that would give him the first chink to slip the crowbar into. He was good, I would give him that, but I knew the techniques too.
He took a step towards me, his eyes drilling into mine. "You really think I don't know you, Jhondie? That I don't know what you went through? That I don't know how they strapped you to a table and did unspeakable things to you for forty-six hours and eleven minutes just to prove that eventually you would break?" I could feel every bit of blood in my body land somewhere in my feet. For a second I felt dizzy and had to grab the back of the couch to stay on my feet.
"Shut up," I whispered weakly. This was all guesswork. Had to be. But oh, God, what it was doing.
"Someone's got to start talking!" he shouted.
I shook my head. "You're guessing."
"Then how do I know that Eva was the second to break?" I couldn't say anything. I tried to, but only a tight rush of air came out. Justin smirked. "But you held on and on and on. You, my love, would not give in no matter what they did with the lasers and the needles and pliers. You wouldn't break. At the end it was you and Zack and in a moment of truly refined cruelty, they let you see each other and in the end, it was him that broke first. And when you were completely and utter alone in your agony, that's what got to you. Never them. It was knowing that you were alone."
I could feel tears pouring down my face but was helpless to stop them or even lift a finger to wipe them away. "They taunted you, didn't they?" he asked cruelly. "They told you how Eva broke fast. Laughed as each one went down. Because that hurt you worse and they knew it. You had no idea why Eva went so quickly, but I will fill in some guesses on that. She knew that you and Zack were too damn stubborn and one of you had to be capable of taking care of everything when it was over. So she was taken away and you held on for hours and hours and they didn't let up for a minute. Changed shifts because they were tired and never once thought of you. They..."
"YES!" I screamed. "YES! YES! YES! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?" My voice lowered, my body shaking. Words were coming out between sobs. "That was one episode in the life of a Manticore trainee. One piece of what they thought would make us better. Lydecker wanted us to know that we had to learn this lesson or we would never take one of the other things he wanted us to know seriously." Anger flashed in me. "Who told you?" I demanded. "Where did you find this out? I asked you not to dig, but you obviously did anyways, so who told you?"
He moved closer so that we were almost nose-to-nose. "You did."
"Don't lie to me," I said furiously. How dare he think I was that dumb to tell him and then act like I hadn't.
He let out a little snort of what should have been mocking laughter and stepped away from me. "You don't like to sleep," he said almost casually. "Not that you need to, but you don't like to. There's a difference. You don't really know why. I do."
He turned around, and the anger was gone, replaced with something that tore at me worse than the yelling. "You talk in your sleep. You don't remember your dreams. I've asked. When I did, you didn't notice that I was looking for something. You honestly don't remember them. But trust me, I do. I've heard things that I never thought human beings were capable of doing to other people, least of all children. You think I don't know what happened? That I can't fathom it? For almost a year now, I've been with you every step of the way. I wasn't there the first time, but I've damn sure been there while you relive it. So don't you dare tell me I don't know. It wasn't my body that went through the torture, but I have been there."
He walked over to the sliding glass doors, his back to me. "Get out," he said, trying to be cold, but his voice was shaking. "If you're going to go, then just get out. Because I can't do this anymore." His forehead rested against the glass and in a flash I knew how serious he was. He wasn't going to try and stop me from walking out. If I did, then there wasn't going to be a call tomorrow. No let's talk it over. Nothing. It was just going to be over.
No more frustration. No more confusion. No more anger. No more trying. No more belief. No more hope. All that pain and suffering. The escape. All that we had all gone through to stay free. All for no more. Justin was right. It was time for no more.
Justin
It was quiet enough that I could hear the runaway beating of my heart. I wanted to scream and break the glass and do something, say anything that would make this right. I didn't want her to go. God knew that the last thing I wanted was to have my heart ripped out and that's what was going to happen the minute I heard the door close. But I couldn't keep her if she didn't want to stay. That's what they had done to her. I would have it wrapped up in pretty words and gilded bars, but in the end making her stay if she wanted to go would be sticking her right back in a cage.
I jumped about a mile when a hand gently touched my shoulder. I whipped around and Jhondie was still standing there, her face streaked with tearstains. She felt bad the day she almost broke my hand? I had never felt lower knowing that I was the cause of every one of those tears.
"Justin," she murmured, a slight sob keeping her from saying more.
"No," I said quickly. "Don't say anything because you feel bad or are scared or any of that. No more running and hiding and ducking, Jhondie. That's got to end." I was fighting myself to keep from grabbing her and holding her and telling her a million times that I was sorry. I was on the verge of tears myself, but I had to say it.
"You can't stay here because you're scared to leave. It's got to be because you want this. Because you want us to work. That you're willing to do anything to keep it together and that you are willing to do whatever to make us work. That's what I need from you. I can't keep wondering if you're going to leave without a word the next time you have a crisis. I can't keep pretending that everything is fine when there are things you won't stop hiding. If you're willing to work this out...to hope and believe, then I'm here. But it's got to be all or nothing, right down the line."
There was a long moment of silence that seemed to span eternities. Her eyes met mine. "What is hope?" she asked in such a small, quivering voice that I had I been able to move, all my resolve to not touch her would have died right there.
"Baby," I said, my arms out in a shrugging gesture. "That's us."
She was in my arms in a second, knocking me into the glass as she kissed me hungrily. "Oh my God," she sobbed softly between kisses. "You do understand. You do."
I kissed her back just as hard, thanking God that she was still here in my arms. But she wasn't going to do this to me again and use sex to make me forget that there was still something unresolved here. It didn't matter that we were already on the floor. "No more," I managed to get out. "Promise me, Jhon. No more hiding."
She stopped and our eyes met evenly, despite the fact both of us were already breathing hard. A tiny smile touched her lips. "No more," she said softly. "Just hope." Then she pulled me back down to her and any resistance was gone.
I'm usually not a "drop to the ground and ravage" kind of guy. I'm really not. But let's just say this was a special circumstance. In any case, Jhondie wasn't complaining. As a matter of fact, she was being downright encouraging. So many whispers of apology, countless promises from both of us between passionate kisses. God, I was glad she didn't leave. I said I would let her go, but honestly, I don't know if I would have let her make it to the elevator. She was my life and my heart and all the time I had spent with Nikki meant very little to me compared to Jhondie.
It's rather easy to lose track of time in a situation like that. I know we made love twice in the living room before ending up in the bedroom where I was comatose for a while. I woke up some time later, glad to feel her warm body still pressed against mine, soft hands caressing me. I didn't think she had slept, but she needed the comfort of simply being together. I think Jhondie was ready to talk then, but her touches were getting to me in a rather non-verbal fashion. We made love again and this time she slept in my arms. I waited for nightmares but was relieved when they didn't come.
She didn't sleep for long and then we were both awake. She was the first to break the silence. "What do you want to know about it?"
That was a loaded question if I had ever heard one. I knew she was would tell me whatever I asked, but I didn't want to hurt her with an interrogation. There was a lot I wanted to know, and this was going to set the standards on if she would be willing to tell me, or just grudgingly get it out. And there was the fact that I didn't want to hurt her any more than I already had today. I know, I know, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, but let me tell you; it didn't make it any less painful to do it.
"Tell me about the others," I finally said. She blinked. I knew she was expecting to be asked about training or experiments. "I know why you picked Jhondie for a name. What about the others? Did you ever laugh and tease each other? Play?"
"Sometimes at night," she said very softly. A tiny smile formed. "Most kids are afraid of nights and the dark. We weren't because that was our time. Max and I never slept and Ben didn't much either. He would make these great shadow puppets on the wall and cover up the signs." She giggled. "We thought it was so naughty. Even Zack would watch."
I laughed, thinking of the Zack I knew enthralled with shadow puppets. "What do you think he's doing now?"
She thought for a second. "Ben is either writing for horror comic books or a priest."
"That's a big switch there."
"He's the one that formed the whole religion around the Blue Lady," she replied. She had told me about that in bits and pieces. "And he would tell us the stories. That's where the Good Place came from and the horrors of the things in the basement. Here we are being trained to be killers and Ben manages to get us terrified of the monsters in the basement. Ben...Ben believed that everything had an order to it. There's a higher purpose and higher wisdom. He never believed that Lydecker was the ultimate authority. He wanted to look higher. He'd make a great priest."
Her smile was a little nostalgic remembering the people she had been so close to. "Who had the best sense of humor?" I asked, wanting to let her remember happy memories. We had opened enough coffins for one day. Better to go for the good parts.
"Zane," she answered immediately and then laughed. "Some of the things he did...I thought he was going to get us all killed. One time..."
We talked for a long time. She told me a lot about the others and some of the stunts that they had pulled. For a while she got serious and I heard about the darker times. But then there were more things to follow about the others and what they were like. We talked about what they were doing and how she thought they had turned out.
Finally the words seemed to die out and she was curled up around me again, with her head on my shoulder. I tentatively started rubbing my hand up and down her back and she sighed with contentment. I felt like we had turned a corner in our relationship and she was ready to be part of it forever. I thought about our anniversary that was coming up soon. Two years since the day we had met. Last year had been a rather heated argument on when exactly our anniversary was. She said Prom. I said it had to be before then because by her Prom we both knew there was something going on there that was more than friendship. Then we both realized that from the night she landed at my feet and took off running, there hadn't been another person in our lives. I could finally admit that I had been enthralled from that moment on. It had taken her a bit longer, but still, point was that was the night we met. And the second anniversary of it was coming up very soon.
"I feel better," Jhondie said, startling me out of my own thoughts. She looked up at me, her expression pensive. "I wouldn't have thought that I would, but I do."
I hugged her tightly. "I guess it's like a poison or something. Once you get it out of your system, you feel better."
She nodded. "Poison. That's a pretty accurate description." She sighed. "I am sorry about everything. I really thought I was doing okay and then Bryn happened, and...and I guess I wasn't doing as okay as I had thought."
I thought hard about how to respond to that. "I guess I would flip out too if I found out Britt was kidnapped and there was no way for me to find her and get her back."
"I've been lucky. A little bad luck and it could be me."
"You were lucky that you picked up a life from someone that didn't need it anymore," I reminded her. "Weren't you the one that said the best place to hide is sometimes right out in the open?"
She snuggled against me. "You know it's not fair to use my words against me."
I shrugged as much as I could with her weighing down my arm. "All's fair, baby, you know that."
She grinned at me wickedly. "Maybe. But I can get you back for it." And then her fingers started racing across one of three ticklish spots on my body and I was laughing and trying to get her away from there while trying to tickle her back. Tickling soon changed to other things and then we were making love all over again.
A day passed. Then two and a third followed quickly. The days seemed to flow together in one continuous mass and the next thing I knew I was blinking at the calendar, wondering how over three weeks could disappear and I not even notice. I could tell myself over and over to stop this, you're not helping anyone, least of all yourself, but nothing was working and I really wasn't sure why.
I just couldn't shake off this feeling of doom that was lying over me like a blanket. I knew Justin was feeling hurt and confused at my sudden distance after the night that Kayla tried to sneak her boyfriend in, but I couldn't explain it to myself, so how could I explain things to him? All I knew was that I didn't feel like I belonged anymore. Like I shouldn't be there. Like I should call Zack and make alternate plans for my life.
It wasn't right and it wasn't fair, and intellectually I knew that, but I just couldn't stop feeling that way. It would be better all around. Maybe I needed to be with those that could understand me and what it was like to have gone through everything that I had. And didn't Justin deserve someone that he could really be with forever? He had been spending a lot of the last few weeks with Nikki and I wasn't jealous in the slightest. I wasn't helping him and she was there.
I wondered if she would be there in other ways if I left. I tried making myself think about that to get angry and want to stomp her. I just wanted to feel something really. But it seemed like a good solution. Justin would be upset for a while, but then he could get over it and move on with his life. Nikki was a good person really. Justin deserved to have someone that he could make a real life with. I was a freak of science, obviously not worthy of a lifetime commitment to someone.
He wouldn't leave me alone though. I wasn't pushing him away so much as letting attrition take it's course. That seemed all for the best. Just drift through the days and wait for the inevitable. I still went to school. Routines were still happening. Mom went to work and Kayla was still taking ballet classes three times a week. She wasn't spending all of her time at home on the phone, but that was only because she was seven shades grounded. Justin had a couple of final projects that he was working on and I did what I normally did.
It just all felt so empty and useless. I was living a lie. Nothing was right anymore. Nothing. If I kept up the class schedule I had now, then I would be graduating in three years instead of four. Maybe three and a semester. My professors had been stunned at the course load that I could manage, especially in the summer time, but it was nothing to me. I was genetically engineered to adapt to any situation and complete all missions. College was easy. I should be getting ready to take the MCAT so that I could apply to medical schools, but that didn't even get me to break out of the monotony of life. It was more like, why bother since you're not going to be here much longer.
Justin was taking the brunt of that. He knew it and I knew that it was bothering him. I would come over and just study or watch TV and it was more like we were acquaintances than lovers. Small talk about school and work and what was going on and that was that. We hadn't slept together since that last night and I hadn't even spent the night since then either. It wasn't that I would have refused. He just knew I wasn't interested and didn't want to push. Attrition. Simple attrition.
There were a couple of things that I hadn't planned on. Maybe one of them was more forgotten then not planned and the other I simply didn't know. The first was that Justin had never been a passive person. Attrition required passivity. The second...the second was something I had no idea about until I heard it being shouted at me. And that made all the difference in the world.
I was over at his apartment when he came home from his Friday classes. They were morning. I didn't have any. I had a report that was due in a couple of weeks and was working on it. I was just grateful it wasn't for Women's Studies. I was so sick of that class it wasn't funny. But to be fair, I was pretty sick of all of my classes. None of them meant anything to me, even the ones that I had liked. They no longer seemed like the gateway to my future. They seemed like a tease for a future that could never be for one of my kind. I was still doing great in them though. Mission completed as ordered, sir.
Justin came home and saw me pecking on the computer, glancing over my notes and then writing a few more lines. Normally I fly through things like that, but I was rather disinterested in the lot of it.
"Hey," he said brightly. It had been a few days since I had seen him at all actually.
"Hey," I muttered back. I could see a ghost of his reflection in the monitor and his response to my less-than-enthusiastic response was obvious.
"Genetics paper?" he asked, not touching me. That was a first. He had still been at least giving me a quick kiss on the cheek at the very least.
"Yeah," I replied. I had mentioned that I had a paper to do in that class. "Just messing with it if you need the computer."
"I'm good." And then he was in the kitchen getting something. I saved my paper and got my stuff together. I shouldn't have come over at all. I don't know why I did. I still felt drawn here no matter what I thought was best.
"Leaving?" I heard him ask from the doorway. "You don't have to take off every time I walk into a room, you know."
"I know that."
There was the longest pause. I knew he was still behind me, watching me. "You're not coming back are you." It wasn't a question.
I sighed. "Justin, you know..."
"No I don't," he snapped, cutting me off. "I don't know anything anymore Jhondie. All I know is that you're toying with me. You don't know if you're going to stay or go. So you play here and play there and make us all wait for you. I'm tired of waiting for you to decide if you're going to start living again." He left me, open mouthed, in the room. I heard him throw his glass into the sink. It didn't register quite then, but when I thought about it later, I realized that I was shocked. More important than being shocked that he had said that to me, I *felt* shocked. I felt. For the first time in weeks, there was more than just numbness.
I went into the living room. He was staring out the sliding glass doors, watching the city skyline. After two years, I guess he deserved some kind of explanation. "It's not like I stopped loving you," I said softly. No response. "But I've been forced to realize that I should have taken on my responsibilities from the start and not dump them all on Zack."
"Because we all know that you're responsible for everything that they do," he said bitterly.
"I should be." Why wouldn't he look at me? "I don't think I'm doing any good here anymore and maybe I can do better out there." He snorted and I rolled my eyes, anger rising in me. When had he ever had that kind of responsibility put on him? He could walk away from it whenever he wanted to in his charmed little life. What did he know of deprivation? Of pain and suffering? Watching brothers and sisters being taken away to die?
"I know you can't possibly understand now, but one day you will get it and..."
Justin spun around on me so fast I took a step back. I had seen him angry before, but never this pissed. For a second, I would have sworn that he was about to hit me. "I don't get it," he mocked. "How could I possibly get it? How could I possibly have any idea what forty-six hours and eleven minutes means to you?"
I couldn't help flinch at that. He didn't know. I had never told him. Zack certainly would never have said a word. I knew what he was doing. It was what made him such a great investigator. He knew there was something there and was going to act like he knew. Then I would say something, let it slip, and that would give him the first chink to slip the crowbar into. He was good, I would give him that, but I knew the techniques too.
He took a step towards me, his eyes drilling into mine. "You really think I don't know you, Jhondie? That I don't know what you went through? That I don't know how they strapped you to a table and did unspeakable things to you for forty-six hours and eleven minutes just to prove that eventually you would break?" I could feel every bit of blood in my body land somewhere in my feet. For a second I felt dizzy and had to grab the back of the couch to stay on my feet.
"Shut up," I whispered weakly. This was all guesswork. Had to be. But oh, God, what it was doing.
"Someone's got to start talking!" he shouted.
I shook my head. "You're guessing."
"Then how do I know that Eva was the second to break?" I couldn't say anything. I tried to, but only a tight rush of air came out. Justin smirked. "But you held on and on and on. You, my love, would not give in no matter what they did with the lasers and the needles and pliers. You wouldn't break. At the end it was you and Zack and in a moment of truly refined cruelty, they let you see each other and in the end, it was him that broke first. And when you were completely and utter alone in your agony, that's what got to you. Never them. It was knowing that you were alone."
I could feel tears pouring down my face but was helpless to stop them or even lift a finger to wipe them away. "They taunted you, didn't they?" he asked cruelly. "They told you how Eva broke fast. Laughed as each one went down. Because that hurt you worse and they knew it. You had no idea why Eva went so quickly, but I will fill in some guesses on that. She knew that you and Zack were too damn stubborn and one of you had to be capable of taking care of everything when it was over. So she was taken away and you held on for hours and hours and they didn't let up for a minute. Changed shifts because they were tired and never once thought of you. They..."
"YES!" I screamed. "YES! YES! YES! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?" My voice lowered, my body shaking. Words were coming out between sobs. "That was one episode in the life of a Manticore trainee. One piece of what they thought would make us better. Lydecker wanted us to know that we had to learn this lesson or we would never take one of the other things he wanted us to know seriously." Anger flashed in me. "Who told you?" I demanded. "Where did you find this out? I asked you not to dig, but you obviously did anyways, so who told you?"
He moved closer so that we were almost nose-to-nose. "You did."
"Don't lie to me," I said furiously. How dare he think I was that dumb to tell him and then act like I hadn't.
He let out a little snort of what should have been mocking laughter and stepped away from me. "You don't like to sleep," he said almost casually. "Not that you need to, but you don't like to. There's a difference. You don't really know why. I do."
He turned around, and the anger was gone, replaced with something that tore at me worse than the yelling. "You talk in your sleep. You don't remember your dreams. I've asked. When I did, you didn't notice that I was looking for something. You honestly don't remember them. But trust me, I do. I've heard things that I never thought human beings were capable of doing to other people, least of all children. You think I don't know what happened? That I can't fathom it? For almost a year now, I've been with you every step of the way. I wasn't there the first time, but I've damn sure been there while you relive it. So don't you dare tell me I don't know. It wasn't my body that went through the torture, but I have been there."
He walked over to the sliding glass doors, his back to me. "Get out," he said, trying to be cold, but his voice was shaking. "If you're going to go, then just get out. Because I can't do this anymore." His forehead rested against the glass and in a flash I knew how serious he was. He wasn't going to try and stop me from walking out. If I did, then there wasn't going to be a call tomorrow. No let's talk it over. Nothing. It was just going to be over.
No more frustration. No more confusion. No more anger. No more trying. No more belief. No more hope. All that pain and suffering. The escape. All that we had all gone through to stay free. All for no more. Justin was right. It was time for no more.
Justin
It was quiet enough that I could hear the runaway beating of my heart. I wanted to scream and break the glass and do something, say anything that would make this right. I didn't want her to go. God knew that the last thing I wanted was to have my heart ripped out and that's what was going to happen the minute I heard the door close. But I couldn't keep her if she didn't want to stay. That's what they had done to her. I would have it wrapped up in pretty words and gilded bars, but in the end making her stay if she wanted to go would be sticking her right back in a cage.
I jumped about a mile when a hand gently touched my shoulder. I whipped around and Jhondie was still standing there, her face streaked with tearstains. She felt bad the day she almost broke my hand? I had never felt lower knowing that I was the cause of every one of those tears.
"Justin," she murmured, a slight sob keeping her from saying more.
"No," I said quickly. "Don't say anything because you feel bad or are scared or any of that. No more running and hiding and ducking, Jhondie. That's got to end." I was fighting myself to keep from grabbing her and holding her and telling her a million times that I was sorry. I was on the verge of tears myself, but I had to say it.
"You can't stay here because you're scared to leave. It's got to be because you want this. Because you want us to work. That you're willing to do anything to keep it together and that you are willing to do whatever to make us work. That's what I need from you. I can't keep wondering if you're going to leave without a word the next time you have a crisis. I can't keep pretending that everything is fine when there are things you won't stop hiding. If you're willing to work this out...to hope and believe, then I'm here. But it's got to be all or nothing, right down the line."
There was a long moment of silence that seemed to span eternities. Her eyes met mine. "What is hope?" she asked in such a small, quivering voice that I had I been able to move, all my resolve to not touch her would have died right there.
"Baby," I said, my arms out in a shrugging gesture. "That's us."
She was in my arms in a second, knocking me into the glass as she kissed me hungrily. "Oh my God," she sobbed softly between kisses. "You do understand. You do."
I kissed her back just as hard, thanking God that she was still here in my arms. But she wasn't going to do this to me again and use sex to make me forget that there was still something unresolved here. It didn't matter that we were already on the floor. "No more," I managed to get out. "Promise me, Jhon. No more hiding."
She stopped and our eyes met evenly, despite the fact both of us were already breathing hard. A tiny smile touched her lips. "No more," she said softly. "Just hope." Then she pulled me back down to her and any resistance was gone.
I'm usually not a "drop to the ground and ravage" kind of guy. I'm really not. But let's just say this was a special circumstance. In any case, Jhondie wasn't complaining. As a matter of fact, she was being downright encouraging. So many whispers of apology, countless promises from both of us between passionate kisses. God, I was glad she didn't leave. I said I would let her go, but honestly, I don't know if I would have let her make it to the elevator. She was my life and my heart and all the time I had spent with Nikki meant very little to me compared to Jhondie.
It's rather easy to lose track of time in a situation like that. I know we made love twice in the living room before ending up in the bedroom where I was comatose for a while. I woke up some time later, glad to feel her warm body still pressed against mine, soft hands caressing me. I didn't think she had slept, but she needed the comfort of simply being together. I think Jhondie was ready to talk then, but her touches were getting to me in a rather non-verbal fashion. We made love again and this time she slept in my arms. I waited for nightmares but was relieved when they didn't come.
She didn't sleep for long and then we were both awake. She was the first to break the silence. "What do you want to know about it?"
That was a loaded question if I had ever heard one. I knew she was would tell me whatever I asked, but I didn't want to hurt her with an interrogation. There was a lot I wanted to know, and this was going to set the standards on if she would be willing to tell me, or just grudgingly get it out. And there was the fact that I didn't want to hurt her any more than I already had today. I know, I know, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, but let me tell you; it didn't make it any less painful to do it.
"Tell me about the others," I finally said. She blinked. I knew she was expecting to be asked about training or experiments. "I know why you picked Jhondie for a name. What about the others? Did you ever laugh and tease each other? Play?"
"Sometimes at night," she said very softly. A tiny smile formed. "Most kids are afraid of nights and the dark. We weren't because that was our time. Max and I never slept and Ben didn't much either. He would make these great shadow puppets on the wall and cover up the signs." She giggled. "We thought it was so naughty. Even Zack would watch."
I laughed, thinking of the Zack I knew enthralled with shadow puppets. "What do you think he's doing now?"
She thought for a second. "Ben is either writing for horror comic books or a priest."
"That's a big switch there."
"He's the one that formed the whole religion around the Blue Lady," she replied. She had told me about that in bits and pieces. "And he would tell us the stories. That's where the Good Place came from and the horrors of the things in the basement. Here we are being trained to be killers and Ben manages to get us terrified of the monsters in the basement. Ben...Ben believed that everything had an order to it. There's a higher purpose and higher wisdom. He never believed that Lydecker was the ultimate authority. He wanted to look higher. He'd make a great priest."
Her smile was a little nostalgic remembering the people she had been so close to. "Who had the best sense of humor?" I asked, wanting to let her remember happy memories. We had opened enough coffins for one day. Better to go for the good parts.
"Zane," she answered immediately and then laughed. "Some of the things he did...I thought he was going to get us all killed. One time..."
We talked for a long time. She told me a lot about the others and some of the stunts that they had pulled. For a while she got serious and I heard about the darker times. But then there were more things to follow about the others and what they were like. We talked about what they were doing and how she thought they had turned out.
Finally the words seemed to die out and she was curled up around me again, with her head on my shoulder. I tentatively started rubbing my hand up and down her back and she sighed with contentment. I felt like we had turned a corner in our relationship and she was ready to be part of it forever. I thought about our anniversary that was coming up soon. Two years since the day we had met. Last year had been a rather heated argument on when exactly our anniversary was. She said Prom. I said it had to be before then because by her Prom we both knew there was something going on there that was more than friendship. Then we both realized that from the night she landed at my feet and took off running, there hadn't been another person in our lives. I could finally admit that I had been enthralled from that moment on. It had taken her a bit longer, but still, point was that was the night we met. And the second anniversary of it was coming up very soon.
"I feel better," Jhondie said, startling me out of my own thoughts. She looked up at me, her expression pensive. "I wouldn't have thought that I would, but I do."
I hugged her tightly. "I guess it's like a poison or something. Once you get it out of your system, you feel better."
She nodded. "Poison. That's a pretty accurate description." She sighed. "I am sorry about everything. I really thought I was doing okay and then Bryn happened, and...and I guess I wasn't doing as okay as I had thought."
I thought hard about how to respond to that. "I guess I would flip out too if I found out Britt was kidnapped and there was no way for me to find her and get her back."
"I've been lucky. A little bad luck and it could be me."
"You were lucky that you picked up a life from someone that didn't need it anymore," I reminded her. "Weren't you the one that said the best place to hide is sometimes right out in the open?"
She snuggled against me. "You know it's not fair to use my words against me."
I shrugged as much as I could with her weighing down my arm. "All's fair, baby, you know that."
She grinned at me wickedly. "Maybe. But I can get you back for it." And then her fingers started racing across one of three ticklish spots on my body and I was laughing and trying to get her away from there while trying to tickle her back. Tickling soon changed to other things and then we were making love all over again.
