Jhondie
All I can say is that Kayla was lucky Justin was with me when the cops called. She was lucky he went with me to the police station to get her. And most of all, she was lucky that he was holding my hand really tight when they brought her out. Because all I wanted was to choke the life out of her and I would have probably been smiling as I did it.
Arrested. Of all the dumb things possible, she manages to get herself thrown in jail. I swear it was tempting just to let her rot in there. That's another thing she had better be glad Justin was there for. My initial reaction was to go home and watch a movie. Maybe the entire Godfather trilogy, or something else at least four hours long. Let her sit there until I felt like dealing with her. But Justin reminded me that if I let her sit there for too much longer, there wasn't going to be the option of paying a fine and then Kayla was going to have to go to a judge. Mom would have to be the one to deal with it all then and that would make her regret leaving. Damn Kayla. She was so going to pay for this.
We went to the police station and Justin stepped up and did most of the talking. It never failed to amaze me how he could put perfect strangers at ease so that they were giving out more information than they had originally intended. It was so smooth and urbane and "let's just gloss this over, shall we?" that I would have sworn he was a different person. Not only was he offered some lousy coffee, but one of the cops offered him a doughnut as well. I managed to keep my mouth shut and let him handle things. That was the only way I could think of to keep from jumping up and down and screaming a lot.
Officer Peterson, the one that had called, told us that there was an abandoned house that kids like to use as a party place. As long as they are just drinking and not being a problem, then it's normally overlooked. There were a lot more important things to deal with in LA than a few kids getting drunk and not causing a scene. But they had gotten word that someone was selling a lot of meth at the house parties now and it was time to break it up and scare the kids off. The house was close to a decent neighborhood and there was no need to let such things start filtering in there without some kind of check. Cops came in, lights blaring; making most of the kids scatter. Kayla was too drunk to run fast. She might have gotten away, but the girl she was with, a certain Katrina Thomas, could not get her car to start. Apparently, someone at the party thought it would be a great joke to siphon her gas while they were inside. Very funny indeed. Katrina's boyfriend had paid her fine and was waiting for her to be processed out as well.
I know that before the Pulse, even a minor infraction like this would involve going before a judge and probably getting probation and community service or something along those lines. Things were different now. For little stuff like this, you were offered a choice to go to a judge and be sentenced or you could just pay a fine, a good chunk of which went into the cop's pocket, and be done with it. Justin paid the fine without arguing over the price (haggling over dropping a charge so the fine would be lowered was normal) and that made everyone all the more cooperative so that we didn't have to wait a few hours while they processed her out. Thirty minutes after we walked in there, Kayla was escorted out.
I caught a glimpse of her before she saw us, and it softened me a little. She was terrified. She was disheveled and looking around like attack was going to come at any second. Her stockings were run and one of the heels on her stilettos was broken, making her limp. Now I knew what the bag was that she had mentioned while on the phone. She had her own emergency slut- outfit for those parties that just spring up. No, I wasn't bitter.
As soon as she saw us, Kayla straightened her shoulders, her chin lifting defiantly. It didn't help. I could still tell that she had been crying and had the cop not been there, she wouldn't have been able to walk a straight line. Glaring and stumbling just isn't the bold look that you want at that moment. I doubted if she would remember most of the night though. From what the cops had said, she had been here a few hours already and I could still smell the alcohol on her from across the room.
We got into the car without a word spoken. Kayla was too drunk to say much and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to control myself once I got started. I think Justin would have preferred to take me home himself and he had also offered to have us go back to his place and let Kayla sleep it off there, but I decided that I would pick up my car over at Justin's and drive Kayla home myself. I needed to. That way I would have to have my hands on the wheel and not around her neck.
Justin was still worried when we got back to his place and Kayla got into my car. "Are you sure?" he asked again. "It's not going to do any good to lay into her tonight, trust me on that. She's not going to care where she ends up passing out."
And you need me. That's what he didn't say, but meant anyways. Jerk. He was so right too. Words cannot begin to express how much I wanted to say yes and have him with me for the rest of the night. I wanted him to be with me that morning for support when it was time to talk to Kay and find out what the hell was going through her mind when she decided to take off.
"I think I need to deal with her alone tomorrow," I said hesitantly. "More than one person and she's going to see it as ganging up on her."
"Don't lose your temper," he warned.
"I won't," I said. "I'm going to take her home, dump her in bed and in the morning make some really strong coffee and we'll just talk." I took a deep breath. "I've faced worse. I think."
He smiled slightly. "Don't forget what your first hangover was like when you go to talk to her, okay? Yelling is only going to drive her away."
I sighed. "Maybe I should let you do it. You're the soft interrogation expert. All my training started with slapping the person around and working up to breaking fingers and toes."
Justin hugged me and I gratefully sank into his arms. "You'll do fine," he said encouragingly. "You've kept your cool with Zack all these years. She's going to be a piece of cake."
I leaned up and kissed him briefly. "Thank you for everything. I love you."
"Love you too cariƱa. Give her hell. Just nicely."
He turned and walked out of the garage into the elevator. I almost pounced him and made him come home with me. No. This was better. I was going to handle this like an adult. She was my responsibility. And I was so going to apologize to Zack a thousand times over because if this was like what he had to deal with, then I totally understood him finally. It wasn't that she was drunk so much it was that she was being totally stupid for no good reason.
I got into the car and left the parking garage. Kayla was somewhat more alert and now looking like she was on the verge of a major pout. She looked like she was going to say something, but I got in there first. "We're not going to discuss this tonight," I said firmly. "You can sleep it off and then in the morning we'll talk about everything." I was so proud of myself. I was going to handle this like an adult.
I thought I was. I would have. But drunken teenagers just don't know when it's a good time to keep their mouths shut.
"Nothing to talk about," she muttered irritably, crossing her arms. "You wouldn't be able to understand," she said in an accusing tone. "You don't know how to have fun."
I slammed on the breaks, making them lock up and we skidded to a stop. It was a good thing it was so late and there wasn't much traffic. Kayla was jerked forward into her seatbelt and then slammed back into the seat. Her face jerked towards me in alarm. "Fun?" I asked menacingly. "You call what you're doing fun?"
I smiled. She flinched back from it. "You're right," I said cheerfully. "Maybe I do need to be more like you and have some real fun. I'll do just what you're doing."
"What are you talking about?" she asked suspiciously. I didn't answer. I just started driving. Kayla closed her eyes and leaned against the window. Perfect. She didn't realize that I wasn't heading home. Instead I headed out of the city towards the hills. Kayla didn't open her eyes again until I came to a stop. She must have thought that we were at home. She turned to me in confusion when she saw where we were.
The road ahead ran along some high bluffs. It twisted and turned sharply and there wasn't much in the way of lighting. Just the moon and stars really. To top it off, several of the homes that had once graced these hills had collapsed in landsides since the Pulse and had never been cleaned up or rebuilt. The road wasn't maintained anymore so it was rough and uneven. Just what I wanted.
"Did Miss Perfect forget the way home?" Kayla sneered.
I smiled tightly at her. "I told you," I responded coolly, "I'm going to start being more like you." Simultaneously, I flicked off the headlights and slammed the accelerator to the floor.
Kayla screamed as the car engine roared and the car began tearing down the road, hairpin curves invisible until we were on them. "Turn on the lights!" she screamed, panic sobering her almost instantly.
I was counting on her not remembering that I had told her I could see in the dark. From the sheer terror on her face and in her voice, she didn't remember. What was pitch black to her was clear enough to me. Curves she couldn't see until we were two feet from there were plenty visible to me at a distance. She couldn't see my eyes at that time, so there was no way for her to realize how much I was relying on my enhanced vision right then.
Kayla screamed again as we hit a tight curve. I let the car drift way over the centerline until we almost hit the edge of the road before pulling back. "Stop!" she sobbed. "You're going to get us killed!"
"What's wrong?" I yelled back at her. "You said I should be more like you. Here we are! Ninety miles an hour around blind curves with no lights. Not going to be able to see anything until it's too late. I'm just driving the way you're living, little girl, so enjoy."
"Oh God," she moaned her face in her hands. "I don't want to die like this. Please, Jhondie, stop."
We hit another turn and I had to slam the breaks, downshifting hard to slow down, and whip around the corner, almost putting the car on two wheels. Kayla shrieked again, bracing for then impact that didn't come. Between that fright and the alcohol in her blood, it gave her enough courage to actually try and grab the wheel.
Kayla lunged towards me, grabbing my shoulder to shove me back while wrapping her fingers around the wheel. I shoved her off of me easily with one hand, letting the car swerve wildly. She was slammed back into the passenger door, crying out as her head hit the glass. "You don't want anyone to try and slow you down!" I snarled at her. "Why do you want to stop now?"
Kayla was damn near curled into the fetal position as we slammed down the cliffs, heading for the ocean. Honestly, I wanted to slow down and comfort her and tell her that there wasn't any real danger. I had never seen her so scared in her life. But I had to. Now I knew how Justin had felt when he finally snapped on me. I had to shock her into seeing what she was doing. She didn't look up again until I slowed down as we hit the sand. I knew the area fairly well. It was mostly deserted and I liked to go there when I needed to be by myself. And the bet part was that nobody was close enough to come investigating when someone was screaming.
I stopped the car and threw it into park. Kayla managed to get her seatbelt off and was scrambling to get out of the car just as fast as she could. Even sober, there was no way she could move faster than me. I was over the hood of the car in a second and grabbed her just as she fell out onto the sand. It wasn't pretty. Kayla was fighting and screaming the whole time, but I didn't let her go even when she bit my hand. Great. Now I was going to have to get checked for brat rabies. I had to admit that even for me it was a challenge to keep my hands on her. The kid was a scrapper. If I was a normal girl, I didn't think I would have been able to drag her into the water.
But that's where I managed to get her. I got about shin deep in the freezing Pacific and tossed her into the next wave. She was drenched, sputtering, and about 90% sober at that moment. I grabbed her again and she hauled off and slapped me across the face as hard as she could. I wasn't expecting it and it knocked me slightly off center just as another wave it. Suddenly both of us were in the water.
She tried to get away but I caught her by the ankle, taking her back under the water. She kicked, barely missing my nose by an inch. She was lucky there. Had she hit me, only a direct act of God would have been able to save her. I lunged forward, grabbing her by her shoulders and dragging her up. She was still squirming and twisting and I barely caught the flash of her hand out of the corner of my eye.
I caught her wrist easily, holding her by the throat with the other one. "Do it again and I really will drown you like a kitten," I hissed. She froze. I guess after the car she had no idea what I was going to do next. "I don't care how long I have to hold you under water, you're going to sober up and sober up now, little girl. You sober enough to listen now?" She was sobbing too hard to answer. I gave her a sharp little shake. "Listen or go under the water?" I shouted.
"I'm listening!" she screamed through her tears.
"Good," I growled. "Because this ends now. You want to play grownup and run around and think there are no consequences? Wrong answer. *I* am your consequences. You make Mom cry one more time over you and I swear to God they are all going to think you ran away. You got that? You can't even control *yourself* anymore. You can't do it, you don't want help and nobody knows what to do. All you're doing is throwing away the only people that ever will really care about you and when your so-called friends leave you high and dry, what are you going to have left? Absolutely nothing. And trust me, that's the darkest, scariest place to be."
"You don't know anything!" she screamed at me, pulling back. I let her go and she stumbled back but stayed on her feet. I guess all that ballet was really helping her balance. "Mom doesn't want to understand and you can't care!"
"You think I'd be freezing my butt off if I didn't care?" I yelled back at her. "If I didn't care about you I'd be curled up with Justin right now and you'd be sitting in jail!"
"It's all fake!" she sobbed. "You don't know how to really care. If you did, you would have cared when Daddy died!"
I blinked. "What did you say?" I asked, my voice barely carrying over the surf.
"You didn't even cry!" she blurted. "He raised you for years. He called you his daughter. And you never cried. It didn't bother you at all! A girl you haven't seen for years disappears and you're all freaked, but your father dies and it's nothing to you." She turned and started out of the water, stumbling up the beach. For a long moment I couldn't move, remembering how I had told myself over and over back then that I had to be strong. That I had to be strong for Mom and Kayla. I had to. I had to.
"Kayla!" I shouted and ran fast, catching up to her easily. I gently turned her to face me. "The night Dad died, I had to have Justin drive us home," I admitted. She looked confused. "I couldn't think clear enough to even drive. When Justin was driving, I kept looking around and I had no idea where we were and you know how many times I've made that drive."
We were both crying now. I swiped at my face and plunged on, glad she was listening. "When we got home you and Mom were asleep and I did cry then." I shook my head. "No, I didn't cry so much as go totally hysterical. Justin was with me and I cried and cried until I didn't think I would ever stop. And that wasn't the worst of it. I was totally flipped out for a while. I went after this one guy 'cause I thought he was involved and I came within a hair of killing him on a suspicion." I let out a little laugh of self-mockery. "I even tried to seduce Justin one night and that was before we were even dating."
Kayla's jaw dropped. Considering that I had always been the one complaining about how boys always wanted sex from me right off the bat, hearing that I went after someone I wasn't with was a shock for her. I didn't just "hook up" for the night. "I didn't want you guys to see it," I sniffed. "Mom didn't need me to be all hysterical and I wanted you to think you could talk to me and not be a burden and all that. But I did cry. Days, sometimes weeks can go by and I don't think about the others. But I still think about Dad every day. I still miss him, Kay. I always will."
Her face was in her hands as she sobbed quietly. I wanted to put my arms around her and comfort her but I didn't know how anymore. I wasn't sure of anything.
"I don't feel good," she finally said in a small voice, looking up at me.
I nodded. "Come on," I said softly. "Let's go home."
We slowly walked back to the car. Hesitantly, I reached out and put my arm around Kay's shoulders. She stiffened, her arms still folded tightly, but she didn't pull away. I guessed that was a start.
I just wished I knew what it was the start of.
All I can say is that Kayla was lucky Justin was with me when the cops called. She was lucky he went with me to the police station to get her. And most of all, she was lucky that he was holding my hand really tight when they brought her out. Because all I wanted was to choke the life out of her and I would have probably been smiling as I did it.
Arrested. Of all the dumb things possible, she manages to get herself thrown in jail. I swear it was tempting just to let her rot in there. That's another thing she had better be glad Justin was there for. My initial reaction was to go home and watch a movie. Maybe the entire Godfather trilogy, or something else at least four hours long. Let her sit there until I felt like dealing with her. But Justin reminded me that if I let her sit there for too much longer, there wasn't going to be the option of paying a fine and then Kayla was going to have to go to a judge. Mom would have to be the one to deal with it all then and that would make her regret leaving. Damn Kayla. She was so going to pay for this.
We went to the police station and Justin stepped up and did most of the talking. It never failed to amaze me how he could put perfect strangers at ease so that they were giving out more information than they had originally intended. It was so smooth and urbane and "let's just gloss this over, shall we?" that I would have sworn he was a different person. Not only was he offered some lousy coffee, but one of the cops offered him a doughnut as well. I managed to keep my mouth shut and let him handle things. That was the only way I could think of to keep from jumping up and down and screaming a lot.
Officer Peterson, the one that had called, told us that there was an abandoned house that kids like to use as a party place. As long as they are just drinking and not being a problem, then it's normally overlooked. There were a lot more important things to deal with in LA than a few kids getting drunk and not causing a scene. But they had gotten word that someone was selling a lot of meth at the house parties now and it was time to break it up and scare the kids off. The house was close to a decent neighborhood and there was no need to let such things start filtering in there without some kind of check. Cops came in, lights blaring; making most of the kids scatter. Kayla was too drunk to run fast. She might have gotten away, but the girl she was with, a certain Katrina Thomas, could not get her car to start. Apparently, someone at the party thought it would be a great joke to siphon her gas while they were inside. Very funny indeed. Katrina's boyfriend had paid her fine and was waiting for her to be processed out as well.
I know that before the Pulse, even a minor infraction like this would involve going before a judge and probably getting probation and community service or something along those lines. Things were different now. For little stuff like this, you were offered a choice to go to a judge and be sentenced or you could just pay a fine, a good chunk of which went into the cop's pocket, and be done with it. Justin paid the fine without arguing over the price (haggling over dropping a charge so the fine would be lowered was normal) and that made everyone all the more cooperative so that we didn't have to wait a few hours while they processed her out. Thirty minutes after we walked in there, Kayla was escorted out.
I caught a glimpse of her before she saw us, and it softened me a little. She was terrified. She was disheveled and looking around like attack was going to come at any second. Her stockings were run and one of the heels on her stilettos was broken, making her limp. Now I knew what the bag was that she had mentioned while on the phone. She had her own emergency slut- outfit for those parties that just spring up. No, I wasn't bitter.
As soon as she saw us, Kayla straightened her shoulders, her chin lifting defiantly. It didn't help. I could still tell that she had been crying and had the cop not been there, she wouldn't have been able to walk a straight line. Glaring and stumbling just isn't the bold look that you want at that moment. I doubted if she would remember most of the night though. From what the cops had said, she had been here a few hours already and I could still smell the alcohol on her from across the room.
We got into the car without a word spoken. Kayla was too drunk to say much and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to control myself once I got started. I think Justin would have preferred to take me home himself and he had also offered to have us go back to his place and let Kayla sleep it off there, but I decided that I would pick up my car over at Justin's and drive Kayla home myself. I needed to. That way I would have to have my hands on the wheel and not around her neck.
Justin was still worried when we got back to his place and Kayla got into my car. "Are you sure?" he asked again. "It's not going to do any good to lay into her tonight, trust me on that. She's not going to care where she ends up passing out."
And you need me. That's what he didn't say, but meant anyways. Jerk. He was so right too. Words cannot begin to express how much I wanted to say yes and have him with me for the rest of the night. I wanted him to be with me that morning for support when it was time to talk to Kay and find out what the hell was going through her mind when she decided to take off.
"I think I need to deal with her alone tomorrow," I said hesitantly. "More than one person and she's going to see it as ganging up on her."
"Don't lose your temper," he warned.
"I won't," I said. "I'm going to take her home, dump her in bed and in the morning make some really strong coffee and we'll just talk." I took a deep breath. "I've faced worse. I think."
He smiled slightly. "Don't forget what your first hangover was like when you go to talk to her, okay? Yelling is only going to drive her away."
I sighed. "Maybe I should let you do it. You're the soft interrogation expert. All my training started with slapping the person around and working up to breaking fingers and toes."
Justin hugged me and I gratefully sank into his arms. "You'll do fine," he said encouragingly. "You've kept your cool with Zack all these years. She's going to be a piece of cake."
I leaned up and kissed him briefly. "Thank you for everything. I love you."
"Love you too cariƱa. Give her hell. Just nicely."
He turned and walked out of the garage into the elevator. I almost pounced him and made him come home with me. No. This was better. I was going to handle this like an adult. She was my responsibility. And I was so going to apologize to Zack a thousand times over because if this was like what he had to deal with, then I totally understood him finally. It wasn't that she was drunk so much it was that she was being totally stupid for no good reason.
I got into the car and left the parking garage. Kayla was somewhat more alert and now looking like she was on the verge of a major pout. She looked like she was going to say something, but I got in there first. "We're not going to discuss this tonight," I said firmly. "You can sleep it off and then in the morning we'll talk about everything." I was so proud of myself. I was going to handle this like an adult.
I thought I was. I would have. But drunken teenagers just don't know when it's a good time to keep their mouths shut.
"Nothing to talk about," she muttered irritably, crossing her arms. "You wouldn't be able to understand," she said in an accusing tone. "You don't know how to have fun."
I slammed on the breaks, making them lock up and we skidded to a stop. It was a good thing it was so late and there wasn't much traffic. Kayla was jerked forward into her seatbelt and then slammed back into the seat. Her face jerked towards me in alarm. "Fun?" I asked menacingly. "You call what you're doing fun?"
I smiled. She flinched back from it. "You're right," I said cheerfully. "Maybe I do need to be more like you and have some real fun. I'll do just what you're doing."
"What are you talking about?" she asked suspiciously. I didn't answer. I just started driving. Kayla closed her eyes and leaned against the window. Perfect. She didn't realize that I wasn't heading home. Instead I headed out of the city towards the hills. Kayla didn't open her eyes again until I came to a stop. She must have thought that we were at home. She turned to me in confusion when she saw where we were.
The road ahead ran along some high bluffs. It twisted and turned sharply and there wasn't much in the way of lighting. Just the moon and stars really. To top it off, several of the homes that had once graced these hills had collapsed in landsides since the Pulse and had never been cleaned up or rebuilt. The road wasn't maintained anymore so it was rough and uneven. Just what I wanted.
"Did Miss Perfect forget the way home?" Kayla sneered.
I smiled tightly at her. "I told you," I responded coolly, "I'm going to start being more like you." Simultaneously, I flicked off the headlights and slammed the accelerator to the floor.
Kayla screamed as the car engine roared and the car began tearing down the road, hairpin curves invisible until we were on them. "Turn on the lights!" she screamed, panic sobering her almost instantly.
I was counting on her not remembering that I had told her I could see in the dark. From the sheer terror on her face and in her voice, she didn't remember. What was pitch black to her was clear enough to me. Curves she couldn't see until we were two feet from there were plenty visible to me at a distance. She couldn't see my eyes at that time, so there was no way for her to realize how much I was relying on my enhanced vision right then.
Kayla screamed again as we hit a tight curve. I let the car drift way over the centerline until we almost hit the edge of the road before pulling back. "Stop!" she sobbed. "You're going to get us killed!"
"What's wrong?" I yelled back at her. "You said I should be more like you. Here we are! Ninety miles an hour around blind curves with no lights. Not going to be able to see anything until it's too late. I'm just driving the way you're living, little girl, so enjoy."
"Oh God," she moaned her face in her hands. "I don't want to die like this. Please, Jhondie, stop."
We hit another turn and I had to slam the breaks, downshifting hard to slow down, and whip around the corner, almost putting the car on two wheels. Kayla shrieked again, bracing for then impact that didn't come. Between that fright and the alcohol in her blood, it gave her enough courage to actually try and grab the wheel.
Kayla lunged towards me, grabbing my shoulder to shove me back while wrapping her fingers around the wheel. I shoved her off of me easily with one hand, letting the car swerve wildly. She was slammed back into the passenger door, crying out as her head hit the glass. "You don't want anyone to try and slow you down!" I snarled at her. "Why do you want to stop now?"
Kayla was damn near curled into the fetal position as we slammed down the cliffs, heading for the ocean. Honestly, I wanted to slow down and comfort her and tell her that there wasn't any real danger. I had never seen her so scared in her life. But I had to. Now I knew how Justin had felt when he finally snapped on me. I had to shock her into seeing what she was doing. She didn't look up again until I slowed down as we hit the sand. I knew the area fairly well. It was mostly deserted and I liked to go there when I needed to be by myself. And the bet part was that nobody was close enough to come investigating when someone was screaming.
I stopped the car and threw it into park. Kayla managed to get her seatbelt off and was scrambling to get out of the car just as fast as she could. Even sober, there was no way she could move faster than me. I was over the hood of the car in a second and grabbed her just as she fell out onto the sand. It wasn't pretty. Kayla was fighting and screaming the whole time, but I didn't let her go even when she bit my hand. Great. Now I was going to have to get checked for brat rabies. I had to admit that even for me it was a challenge to keep my hands on her. The kid was a scrapper. If I was a normal girl, I didn't think I would have been able to drag her into the water.
But that's where I managed to get her. I got about shin deep in the freezing Pacific and tossed her into the next wave. She was drenched, sputtering, and about 90% sober at that moment. I grabbed her again and she hauled off and slapped me across the face as hard as she could. I wasn't expecting it and it knocked me slightly off center just as another wave it. Suddenly both of us were in the water.
She tried to get away but I caught her by the ankle, taking her back under the water. She kicked, barely missing my nose by an inch. She was lucky there. Had she hit me, only a direct act of God would have been able to save her. I lunged forward, grabbing her by her shoulders and dragging her up. She was still squirming and twisting and I barely caught the flash of her hand out of the corner of my eye.
I caught her wrist easily, holding her by the throat with the other one. "Do it again and I really will drown you like a kitten," I hissed. She froze. I guess after the car she had no idea what I was going to do next. "I don't care how long I have to hold you under water, you're going to sober up and sober up now, little girl. You sober enough to listen now?" She was sobbing too hard to answer. I gave her a sharp little shake. "Listen or go under the water?" I shouted.
"I'm listening!" she screamed through her tears.
"Good," I growled. "Because this ends now. You want to play grownup and run around and think there are no consequences? Wrong answer. *I* am your consequences. You make Mom cry one more time over you and I swear to God they are all going to think you ran away. You got that? You can't even control *yourself* anymore. You can't do it, you don't want help and nobody knows what to do. All you're doing is throwing away the only people that ever will really care about you and when your so-called friends leave you high and dry, what are you going to have left? Absolutely nothing. And trust me, that's the darkest, scariest place to be."
"You don't know anything!" she screamed at me, pulling back. I let her go and she stumbled back but stayed on her feet. I guess all that ballet was really helping her balance. "Mom doesn't want to understand and you can't care!"
"You think I'd be freezing my butt off if I didn't care?" I yelled back at her. "If I didn't care about you I'd be curled up with Justin right now and you'd be sitting in jail!"
"It's all fake!" she sobbed. "You don't know how to really care. If you did, you would have cared when Daddy died!"
I blinked. "What did you say?" I asked, my voice barely carrying over the surf.
"You didn't even cry!" she blurted. "He raised you for years. He called you his daughter. And you never cried. It didn't bother you at all! A girl you haven't seen for years disappears and you're all freaked, but your father dies and it's nothing to you." She turned and started out of the water, stumbling up the beach. For a long moment I couldn't move, remembering how I had told myself over and over back then that I had to be strong. That I had to be strong for Mom and Kayla. I had to. I had to.
"Kayla!" I shouted and ran fast, catching up to her easily. I gently turned her to face me. "The night Dad died, I had to have Justin drive us home," I admitted. She looked confused. "I couldn't think clear enough to even drive. When Justin was driving, I kept looking around and I had no idea where we were and you know how many times I've made that drive."
We were both crying now. I swiped at my face and plunged on, glad she was listening. "When we got home you and Mom were asleep and I did cry then." I shook my head. "No, I didn't cry so much as go totally hysterical. Justin was with me and I cried and cried until I didn't think I would ever stop. And that wasn't the worst of it. I was totally flipped out for a while. I went after this one guy 'cause I thought he was involved and I came within a hair of killing him on a suspicion." I let out a little laugh of self-mockery. "I even tried to seduce Justin one night and that was before we were even dating."
Kayla's jaw dropped. Considering that I had always been the one complaining about how boys always wanted sex from me right off the bat, hearing that I went after someone I wasn't with was a shock for her. I didn't just "hook up" for the night. "I didn't want you guys to see it," I sniffed. "Mom didn't need me to be all hysterical and I wanted you to think you could talk to me and not be a burden and all that. But I did cry. Days, sometimes weeks can go by and I don't think about the others. But I still think about Dad every day. I still miss him, Kay. I always will."
Her face was in her hands as she sobbed quietly. I wanted to put my arms around her and comfort her but I didn't know how anymore. I wasn't sure of anything.
"I don't feel good," she finally said in a small voice, looking up at me.
I nodded. "Come on," I said softly. "Let's go home."
We slowly walked back to the car. Hesitantly, I reached out and put my arm around Kay's shoulders. She stiffened, her arms still folded tightly, but she didn't pull away. I guessed that was a start.
I just wished I knew what it was the start of.
