~Wasuremono Koiboto~

Shadow Dreamer

Chapter 3

-- Yamato --

                I have to admit, your silence worries me.

                I expected you to be as mad as hell.  You probably are.  But I just expected you to be constantly screaming at me. 

                You're not.  You're just as quiet as I am.

                "I-"I managed to start saying something but I couldn't finish.  I still don't know where to start.

                We have so much to talk about…but some of it may be best left alone…

                "I came back…to apologize." I blurt out, and I don't even realize that I'm saying it at first.  Although I'm looking down, I can hear your every move.  You lay down again and then you sigh.

                "Why?" You ask me in a very strange tone that scares me.  I've never heard that come out of you before.  The feeling in your tone of voice is almost suicidal…but you've never…

                Shaking my head, I'm forcing myself to answer the question.  It's best this way…

                "I…I felt guilty." I whisper to you honestly.  Well what else am I supposed to say?  This is not a time for stalling.  It would only annoy you more.

                After a few minutes you still hadn't answered me and I knew that you were expected more. 

                One thing that being a musician taught me is that if you want to express your feelings, drawing it out will only make things worse.  If you get everything out at once, it comes out much easier.  So, taking a deep breath, that's what I plan to do.

                "Taichi…look, I felt guilty.  I still do. I feel guilty about five years ago.  About leaving.  I feel guilty about never apologizing to you.  I still love you, you know.  I've never stopped.  And I just…didn't want you to hate me, although I know that you do.  But I wanted you to know that I'm sorry.  And…how I feel about you…I already answered that.  I'm mad at you Taichi, and I don't think I can trust you that much anymore.  But I still love you.  And then…I want to know…why you didn't come back…"

                I said it all so quickly that I could barely understand myself and when I was done I felt like all of my breath had been pulled out from under me as a rug.  Being near you was only making it worse, and so I abruptly stood up and walked over to the end of the room, sitting on the floor.

                The distance may be a good thing.

                For five minutes, I sat in an eerie silence, waiting for you to reply.  As I waited I watched your face.  It was sort of amusing.  I watched your expressions.  They rapidly changed from angry to sad, sad to confused, confused to pissed, pissed to guilty…and sometimes you looked like all you wanted to do was break down and cry.

                For a minute you looked like you would.  Then you gained hold of yourself.  I expected you to reply calmly.

                Well it wouldn't be the first time I was wrong about you.

                You exploded on me and it happened so fast that I could have sworn it didn't even happen.

                "GUILTY?!" You suddenly screamed at me.  "YOU felt guilty?  If you're feeling guilty enough to come and apologize to me five years later, you never should have gone in the first place.

                "SCREW apologizing, Yamato!!  That was due five years ago!!  Perhaps more than that.  I can't believe this.  How dare you just come barging in and apologize to me like that after all that happened!"

                I have to admit that I was quite taken aback by your sudden outburst.

                But it did answer something for me.

                You are mad at me, Taichi.  You really are.

                I never expected you to be as mad as you are.  I suppose I screwed things up more than expected.

                The silence was interrupted by your sudden pacing and deep breathing and then you suddenly started to talk again.  But this time you were starting to cry.

                "It's not fair, Yamato.  It's just not fair.  God, you don't know how much I love you.  After everything that's happened, I still love you.  I never stopped.  You want to know why I didn't come back a year ago?  I was going to, you know.  I was at the airport when your flight came in.  But I didn't stay.  I couldn't have Yamato, you have to understand that.  I love you so much…if I had stayed then I wouldn't have been able to leave you again.  You know about this game that we're playing, Yamato.  And it has to stop.  It has to stop before we both get ourselves killed.  I hate you so much and you could burn in hell for all I care.  But at the same time all I want to do is hug you and kiss you until everything's better.  But this isn't a fairy tale.  There.  Now you know how I feel about you.  And it's just not fair that you finally come back to me apologizing for something that you did five years ago.  After all that time…I don't think I can even believe you anymore.  I don't know how you can believe-or trust-me.  Because I can't."

                Then you really did break down crying, sinking to the floor with your face in your hands.  I felt little pieces of my heart being ripped apart when I heard your wrenching sobs that continuously shook your body.

-- Taichi --

                Fuck you Ishida, fuck you.

                Why did you have to come back here?

                What happened between us five years ago would never have been solved.  We both would always be to blame for it. 

                A year ago, when we could have at least tried to make up, we didn't.

                I felt guilty for everything, and I know now that you did too.

                But that didn't give you any right to come back.

                I was getting along okay without you, you know.  Sure, I love you, and I missed you, and I felt guilty.  But slowly, I was starting to get used to living without you.  Having you as a memory was enough, but I only realize that now.

                Why couldn't you have stayed away?  If you had stayed away then both of us would have been much better off.

                And you know what?  What really makes me mad is…I know that you know that.  You know that it would have been better if you had stayed away.  You're not stupid.

                Only now is it crossing my mind that you must really be sorry if you're coming back to apologize.

                At the beginning that may have been enough for me to forgive you.  But it's not now.  It's too late and the damage is far from done.  You crumbled up my friendship with Ken and threw it in the trash can and now you're just making it worse between us.

                Somehow I know that if you stay here we're going to both do things that we will really regret.  More so than the stuff that we have both already done.

                If you leave now, I just might be able to forgive you again to the point where I don't want your ass to rot in hell.  If you leave now, I just might be able to take in all that we've said and put it together.

                Get out of here.

-- Yamato --

                Your simple crying did not last long.  Soon you were crying and shaking but you were also shaking of anger, and sometimes I saw your fist clenching.  It would not take a rocket scientist to see that your very spirit was restless. 

                It's kind of funny, you know.  People would think that in a situation like this, I would be the one with mixed emotions.  But I'm not.  It's you that's taken the full blow of this, for once.

                Then…I'm the one who caused you to leave every time that you did, and I never did a thing to earn you back.  You always came back on your own and forgave me instantly. 

                And I expected you to do that forever.  That's what got us in into this mess in the first place, remember?

                And although I know that this is your fault too, it's really me that's screwed this up.  I'm the one who deserves to be as restless as you are, not you.  But it happened to you.  After all you've done for me, and after all the times you forgave me, it still happened to you.

                As pissed at me as you are, I still can't stand to see you how you are.

                Very tentatively, I walk over to you and place my arms around you, very lightly.  "Taichi…"

                Immediately your sobbing stops and I can feel your whole body tensing.

                "G-g-get off o-f me."  This time it's not a command, it's a plea.  You're pleading with me to let go of you…

                …because you're scared.

                I release you and step back.

                God Taichi…if it's gotten to the point where you're actually scared of me touching you…

-- Taichi --

                Why…?

                Why did you just do that?

                What gave you the right to touch me like that again?

                Damn you Yamato…and what scares me the most is, part of me liked it. 

                I was right.

                If you stay here much longer, we're both going to do something that both of us will deeply regret, and if that happens we really won't have a chance at all…

                Not that our chance now is very high, but still…

                I…I need you out of here.  I can't stand you being here anymore.  I just can't.

                "Taichi…"

                Your voice rushes through me again, but this time, my brain interprets it as a threat.

                Not familiar, not warm, not loving, not even something to be angry at.

                Your voice is coming through to me as a threat.

                "Go away…" I whisper shakily.  My crying has now stopped but I can feel myself trembling.

                "Taichi, listen to me, please-"

                "Go away!" I interrupt, and I keep my voice as steady and firm as possible.

                "But…Taichi, please-"

                "Just go!" I continue to plead with you.  Please Yamato, don't be stubborn now.  Don't question me.

                Just go.

                "Go, Yamato." I choke.  "Just go.  I can't stand you anymore…"

                "Taichi…"

                Your voice is hurt.  But it doesn't matter anymore.  Right now I have ice water in my veins and my feelings for you are so mixed that I just can't handle it.  I just want to die…

                "Go, Yamato.  I can't stand you here anymore.  Please…just go…"

                I don't know what I said or did, or maybe it was my tone of voice, or my shaking, but I could hear you backing away from me.  You backed away slowly; until I could hear you turn around and head towards the door.

                Relief flooded through my body, but at that very moment I felt incredibly guilty as well. 

                I waited for the time when you would actually leave.  I know that you will now, but I could sense your hand on the doorknob, and you were hesitating.

                Then your voice rang through me one last time.

                "Taichi?"

                For a reason still unknown to both of us, I turned my head to you.

                "I love you.  I'm sorry."

                The freezing rain dampened the welcome sign as you walked out the door.

*End Chapter 3*

                Next chapter, which is posted like the others, is last. 

~Shadow Dreamer~