~Wasuremono Koiboto~
Shadow Dreamer
Chapter 4
-- Yamato --
You don't want me there.
You don't want me in your life anymore, Taichi.
I cannot tell you how much it hurts.
I understand that we need to be away from each other sometimes. But you practically just asked me out of your life back there…
…No, wait. Scratch that. You didn't.
Maybe if we hadn't spent so much time together before the problems began so many years ago none of this would have happened, but now it has and yet we keep returning to each other.
You know that. And you didn't ask me out of your life because you know that you can't.
You know that I will be back. It could be in 10 or even 50 years from now, but you know that I will be back.
Just like I knew that you would come back all those times long ago.
The decision was sudden.
But I knew that I had to do it.
It would be the best thing for the both of us.
I didn't even run back to my small apartment because it was with me.
The mud seemed to disappear, or at least it did not affect me anymore. My shoes did not slide when I walked through it anymore, it only dirtied them.
And then I began to run.
Even in the freezing rain with the slippery roads and the mud in the grass, I ran at a speed that I never had before.
You see Taichi, that's just the thing.
That's the answer.
Since "that" happened five years ago both of us have assumed that we would always come back to one another.
And today, and a year ago, I came back to you as you had expected.
Just like you always came back to me when I expected you to.
But, Taichi, there was one time when you didn't come back.
That was a year ago.
Even though you wanted to, you didn't come back. Because you knew better than that.
And now, I won't go back either. Because I know better than that, after what happened today.
Mere will would not stop me from returning. The magnet is too strong.
But something can.
With a sudden burst of speed I reach the park. This park would normally bring back happy memories that would pain me. I don't need to be reminded of the happier times with you. But luckily, it's dark outside and raining so hard that I can barely see a thing.
It takes me a while but eventually I am able to find a rather large tree in the forest that's pretty hidden once you think about it. Besides, if things haven't changed over five years, no one comes into this park of the forest anyway. It's really not that far from the park, but people just don't come here.
Some part of me is hesitating…because somehow I don't doubt that you will find out about this eventually. We're connected now, we were connected long ago. That's why we keep coming back to each other even when we would like to see each other rot in hell. You'll feel it when it happens, and you'll know what happened. You're not stupid Taichi, and you know me.
You'll know.
What I don't know is whether or not you'll come here and see for yourself.
Well, it doesn't matter, because by the time you got here it would be too late.
This is the coward's way out you know.
But it seems right now that there's no other way…one of us had to do something eventually.
By doing this I am only delaying the inevitable, but the delay may be good for us. If I don't do this then I will eventually go back to you. Again. Or you may come to me, but I doubt that. Your will to come back to me has been broken and god knows how long it would take to mend it. Mine has just fully evolved and it's strong.
Too strong in fact. It would force me to go back way too soon.
Until death, we would return to each other. After death as well, I think.
That's why I am doing this.
Most people have no regrets when they do this. How I wish I could say that that was true for me, but it's far from not. Regret is the reason why I am doing this. Among other things.
But part of it is regret.
Again, most people have something to say. I don't.
White lie that is, ne? I have everything to say, but only to you. You would not want to know what it is and you could not hear me right now anyway. There is no chance in hell that I am going back to tell you.
You'd figure it out right away anyway and then you'd try to stop me.
You'd probably succeed.
Taichi…my only wish is that you knew how much that I still love you, and how much I regret about everything that I've done to you.
Okay, so you know. I told you and you heard me.
But did you listen? Do you believe me or is it just another thing that I said to you?
…or is it that you want to believe me but you can't? That would be perfectly understandable, after all that I have done.
When you find out…I'm sorry. Don't let it bother you too much. Don't think twice on it. You will know why I did it but you'll be in denial. You may try to find another reason.
Don't. Please don't.
Go with your first instincts. You'll understand why I did it then; and you'll be able to hear all that I want to tell you but don't have the time.
Will you remember about our last promise to each other Taichi? Or have you forgotten?
No…
…you'll remember. You'll remember because by doing this, I will have broken it.
That's why I'm not allowing myself to think too much on this, because if I think on it too much more guilt of breaking yet another promise to you will stop me from doing it.
I don't even realize that my hand is shaking when I pull it out of my suitcase.
The one that I had with me. But as you pulled me into your door it fell to the side.
I'll bet that you didn't even realize.
You know what else you didn't know? I haven't been in Odaiba for the past year. I've been in Kyoto. And I just got off of a train to here, and went straight to your place.
Would knowing that have changed the outcome of my visit?
Perhaps, but probably not.
Swinging it around in my hand, I squint to see through the blinding rain. This deep into the forest, I cannot even see people. All I can see are trees and muddy grass, and of course the blinding rain that's pounding down on the ground.
If I wasn't going to do this I'd probably die of ammonia anyway.
Taking a deep breath, I raise the thing in my hand. I peer at it, and it doesn't even look threatening anymore. Not like when I first found it.
"I love you Taichi, I'm sorry…" my last words to you are the only that I want to say now. The wind will not carry them to you; that kind of thing only happens in the cheesy shoujo romance manga that I know Hikari and Miyako used to love reading. But I know you will hear them when you come here.
It's just the magnet effect.
The rest I'll leave to you to figure out on your own. If you figure it out I will know that you didn't deny the way that I died.
If you do deny it…well I don't know what that means and I don't want to know because the possibilities scare me.
I cannot believe that I am actually doing this. I've thought about it before sure, but I never imagined actually doing it.
God, I'm such a coward. But that's all I ever was. You were the one who gave me my strength and my courage. That disappeared from me a long time ago, and so now I'm using the last memory of what I had to do this.
I just have to tell myself that it's the best for you. And it is. You said yourself that I never should have gone back to you. So it will be good for you if I simply can't go back.
Without a second thought I bring the thing to my chest and place my finger on a certain part of the bottom.
This is something that I have to do. It's just another part of life.
My decision has been made.
I can't turn back now.
By now you should be sensing that something odd is happening to me and if I don't do it now you'll be here before I can.
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and clear all of my regrets-and you-out of my mind. I think only of the terrible mistakes that I have made over the past six years.
With only those thoughts in mind, I pull the trigger on the thing, and the force blows me to the ground and bangs my back against the large tree.
I have to bit my lip hard to keep from screaming. It hurts like hell, but at least it will be over faster than cutting myself.
Now that I think of it I should have just jumped off of a bridge.
Yet it would be dangerous. People could see me that way.
In my mind however, I picture myself doing it. I picture myself jumping off a bridge.
It keeps my mind off of the pain.
Subconsciously, my brain brings my hand to my chest and clutches it over the spot where I hit myself.
Even over the rain I can feel the blood pouring onto my hand.
The rain falls into the wound and stings it hard.
I bite my lip so hard that blood begins to trickle down from it and I shut my eyes tighter.
Think of jumping off of a bridge. It keeps your mind off of the pain.
I see myself hesitating and starting to jump to the music of the pounding rain that my ears are still hearing, yet they are ringing.
I know that I missed my heart because I haven't died yet.
But…
I also know that I missed my heart because I can feel that you know now. By now you'll know that I have done something unbelievable.
Stupid. Cowardly.
Think of the bridge. It keeps your mind off of the pain, and off of the world.
Off of my regrets and guilt.
My imagination has always been very good. It can do great things. My imagination can be so powerful that it takes my mind off of everything, including any level of pain.
Yet, not off of you.
I jumped.
Even though I am laying on the ground, the pounding rain stinging my wound, I can feel the wind rushing through my body and chilling me as it I had actually jumped.
I can feel my body actually cooling. I can almost feel my organs beginning to shut down from blood loss.
My mind is the only part of me that's alive now.
And in my mind, the last thing I see is your soft, warm, smiling face before I hit the ground and the world blacks out…
*End Chapter 4*
**Owari**
*hides behind rock wall*
Um…please don't kill me!! I love Yamato! I do!
Although Ken *seemed* to not have much significance to the story, I do think that he helped out Taichi a bit in the end, don't you? And it added to the drama…at any right, could you see Taichi doing something right away with Yamato when he came in? I could not…so I threw another character in there. Sorry if that REALLY bothers anyone.
Yes, I do realize that it was different themed than Eiei Koiboto, and the feeling around it was different. I apologize. I'm not completely happy with Ken, but otherwise, I liked it, but then again…I do have a weird mind. (All right, stop accusing me of being a sadist!! Sometimes character torture it a bit fun!)
I know that their emotions were a bit messed up, but yours would be too, if you were in that situation. I tried to interpret as best as I could how a person would react when they are that upset, yet still love the person, and obviously emotions would not be normal.
I am sorry if this sucked so bad it ruined the first one. I sincerely hope that wasn't the case. But since I wrote it, I figured I'd post it. I apologize HIGHLY to those of you who asked for a happy ending. Realistically, I just could not picture it, and although I usually stretch reality in fanfiction, I felt, at least, that a happy ending would ruin it in a way. However, I've written an epilogue entirely from Taichi's POV that ties up some lose ends. The ending…well it's not happy, but it's not really sad either.
You know the drill everyone, please review!! Be honest about what you think, okay? Tell me if you think it sucked, but please try to say one nice thing at least, okay? I know I normally do not ask for that, yet I'd really appreciate it this time. I will only post the epilogue if enough people want it, so speak your mind!!
One more thing, please no death threats!! I've had enough of those!! I have already promised a few people a happy fic, so I *do* promise that my next Taito will be happy fluff!
Until next time. Arigatou, minna-san! Ja ne!
-Shadow Dreamer
