~Wasuremono Koiboto~
Shadow Dreamer
Epilogue
-- Yamato --
I was surrounded by a peaceful darkness, and no sound around me. In this dark, black hole, time moved so fast that I could have sworn that time didn't exist at all.
It was swirling.
A dark, cool ribbon flashed past me, and began to envelope my body. The force pulled me down to the ground.
Surrounded by nothing but pure, pitch blackness, and the eerie sound pitch of it, and the tightening black snake, I was about to close my eyes and surrender when a familiar warm light burst through the darkness.
-- Taichi --
I feel guilty about what I said to you.
But it's too late for that now…
I just couldn't stand having you here.
…You had too weird of an effect on me, I think. It's silly. Over these past five years all I wanted to do was talk to you…to find out if you were okay, what you thought about me…and then, when I finally got a chance, I blew it.
I screwed up that chance totally, and the only reason was because you were here and I couldn't stand that feeling, I couldn't talk with you around.
Because of those weird feelings I just let my anger take over and I lost track of anything that I had wanted to say to you, and let you do the talking and let my body do the screaming. But I wish it hadn't been that way.
It wasn't fair to you Yamato, it wasn't fair that the one time you actually tried to apologize I didn't accept it at all.
But whose fault is that? What exactly brought that on?
….Both of us. And everything, that's what. That's what brought everything on us in the first place.
…As I'm sitting here, trying to work out what happened, desperately trying to cling to what you said to me and figure it out, I can feel that something's definitely not right.
With you.
Something's seriously wrong.
My senses are tingling and I know that it has something to do with you, something that will turn around this game forever.
I immediately began to panic, because I have no idea what it is that you could be doing. It makes no sense.
Just what could you have done, so fast, that what cause all of this?
In my panic all sense of logic has left my mind.
My senses are still tingling; my heart is screaming at me to get to you, fast.
I immediately jump up and shove all of my confusion deep down inside me; temporarily let myself forget about what has just happened.
I have to go to you, I just *have* to, something happened….
….and you know, I told myself that I wouldn't go back. I had tried so hard, and it had worked, and then you had come back to me…
…but I can't worry about it now. You need me, something tells me that you need me; I can stop you from doing something…
…but what? What, Yamato? My heart isn't exploding in my chest for nothing.
My mind is telling me that I'm too late, and part of me is screaming not to go back to you, that I will only regret it, but I can't think of that right now. I shove it all down deep inside of me along with most of my feelings.
You need me right now, for whatever reason, and that feeling is too strong over me that it takes over anything else that I could have felt right at that moment.
Quickly grabbing my coat, I rush out of the door into the pouring rain, ignoring the fact that I am in fact returning to you, and the effects of this won't be good at all.
But what tells me that that fact all depends on how you look at it?
~~~~~~~~~~
The rain is blinding as I run down the streets. It stings my eyes and I can just barely see, yet I know exactly where I am going. By now I can go strictly on impulse when it comes to you, I know exactly where you are.
The park…
But why? Immediately I know it's not because you wanted to go there to dwell on memories. You're too smart for that, and after all that happened…
I shake my head. I can't think about today right now. Shoving it deep inside me will only let it come crashing harder down on me later on, but at this point, I don't care.
Things are too screwed up for me to care.
~~~~~~~~~~
I do not stop running when I reach the park. Whatever you've done, you would not do it so public, so I continue running deeper and deeper into the forest and make turns here and there and let myself be furiously pulled by the magnet that you have on me.
As I feel myself nearing the spot where you are, the scent of death reaches my nose. It's awkward, and I don't know why I can smell it. But I can and it makes me want to throw up, it makes me want to stop now and turn back.
Yet, I can't. My heart won't let me turn back because that's where you are. You're somewhere in that direction.
I stop suddenly. I don't want to but my heart makes me. Only then did realization strike me and I suddenly know what you did.
But that can't be possible.
You wouldn't have done it. I can't say that there was no reason for it, because there was…but you wouldn't have done it.
Surely you wouldn't have.
You came back to apologize to me, to say that you were sorry. Your last words to me were "I'm sorry." If you seriously were sorry you wouldn't have gone and done this, because by doing it you're only breaking another promise to me…
…you would have been completely abandoning the game, breaking all of its rules, and you *know* that I can't handle that…without the game, I can't go on.
I know I'm in denial but I don't care and my thoughts on you cause me to continue running again, running in the direction where I know you are.
It is but a matter of a few minutes before I can see a tree ahead of me. Not just any tree, but a very large tree…
…a tree with blood stains on it; and the scent of death around me is so strong that I just wanted to jump in with it.
There's no denying it now. I wouldn't be able to feel it so strongly if it weren't you.
But…well, maybe not. Maybe it's not you. Maybe I can only feel it because my emotions are so whacked.
Maybe I've turned psycho or something.
Yet I walk forward and look at the ground, and then my heart jumps into my throat and I cry out.
I can see your mangled body lying on the ground against the tree. Your hand is clutched over your chest where the wound is, and blood is still trickling out of it. The gun still lies in your other hand, and your head back, your eyes closed, but not in peace.
Suddenly my mind is clouded and I can't think, I'm shrouded in darkness. My body is trembling and I give in. Collapsing to my knees, I look down at the ground and keep my gaze there in disbelief. In its heartbreak my heart has drastically raised its pace. I can hardly breathe.
Why, Yamato? Why did you do it?
Was it because of what I said to you? Is it because I was so angry at you when you came? Is it because I did not apologize to you, I only wished you away from me as soon as physically possible?
Around me, the rain continues to pour but as I pant the wind just around me is starting to slow. Just around me the wind begins to make a circle around my body, and I suddenly get a warm feeling.
"…No."
No, that's not why you did it. If one of us were going to kill ourselves simply over that, one of us would have been dead years ago. There's a more complicated reason.
A sob escapes my throat and tears begin to run down my face. Why did you do this Yamato? Why?
Did you not know?
By doing this…I know you knew that it would cause me pain. And it is. My anger for you is only growing and my heart is clenching. I…
…damn it, Yamato, I may have been mad at you, but I'm not sure that I can live without you…
Before at least, I knew you were alive, and that was enough. I had always known that you would come back to see me eventually, or I would go to see you, because never before have we quit our game. Always we have kept it up, never stopping, knowing that it would bring us pain, but to completely separate ourselves from each other would be even greater pain than the results of the game…even though it would have been better for us in the end…
…that's it.
That's why you did it, isn't it?
You knew that neither of us were satisfied by your visit. By coming back to me, it had sparked something in you, I could see it. You had begun to feel what I had felt so many years ago. You had known that you would come back to me, and that's why you did it.
That's why isn't it?
You were trying to stop the game, or at least delay it a great deal.
…but why? You can't delay the game forever Yamato, it must be continued. It's gone on for far too long, we can just simply *stop* it like that.
Why did you kill yourself then? You knew that it would delay the game. But you knew that it wouldn't completely stop this. I know you well enough by now; your thoughts are mine. You did this because you wanted never to return to me, thinking that it would be better in the end, if we ended this here.
But you made a big mistake you know.
…I could feel when something started to happen, and you must have known that I would know. Or maybe you didn't think of that, in your confusion and grief. But I know. And I won't let you do this.
If you were trying to stop it you failed miserably, and simply delaying it will cause both of us much more pain in the end.
Both of us will only be as content as we can be at this point when the game is continued. Things should not work that way at all yet they do. The game was our way of life Yamato, it has been for at least six years now, probably longer. Why can't you see that? But killing yourself you are only taking the game to the next stage way too early, and causing me more pain…
…not only that, but you're breaking your promise to me, Yamato. You broke it this time. I may have broken the promise about always coming back, but that was long ago. You broke a promise too you know, you broke a promise by leaving me for five years.
After what happened today, I would have thought that you would know better than to break anything else.
…Yet, you broke it again. You broke it when you left me five years ago, and you broke it again.
We had promised to be there for each other Yamato, always. We had sworn that nothing would ever come between us, and in absolute doubt, we'd be there for each other.
When we started to fight we still kept up that promise, through the game. At times when we couldn't stand each other anymore the game kept that promise alive, and by being its only players, we remained true to each other and kept it all alive.
You killed yourself, Yamato. You deliberately eliminated yourself from that path in the game.
Why?
You can't stop the game Yamato, but you can go and break promises. Did you know that you would be breaking it?
I'm sure you did.
Yet you still went and did it.
You kept insisting to me that you still loved me. Your last words to me were "I love you. I'm sorry." Why'd you do it then?
I know the answer. You wanted to stop the game. But I just can't come to believe that, that you would actually try to stop it. The love that we still hold for each other…it only showed through the game.
Did you really want to stop that? Did you really want to let go of our feelings for each other? Did you want to let go of the purity and the innocence, the simple fact that we love each other, but could no longer show? Yet why would you, if you still loved me?
Or were you really just stupidly trying to stop it, so that neither of us would further get hurt?
I will not be able to rest until I know…but I do not know when I will be able to find out, if I ever will.
I hate you now more than ever, yet the pain of your death is too great…
I'm crying harder now, can you see? Can you see the pain that your death has caused me?
I still love you Yamato. I really, truly do. I never got to tell you tonight, before this. That's a greater pain than anything…
…and you still love me. You do. Why couldn't I have believed you?
Sobbing and trembling, I make my way to your body. I only cry harder, shake harder at seeing you like that, but I owe something to you, for coming back and trying.
Ken was right. I should have given you more credit for coming back and trying. I've screwed this up way too badly…
It's my fault.
But perhaps there's something I can do yet.
I gather your limp body into my arms and rest myself against the tree. Having you in my arms again awakes something inside of me that I stubbornly always hid: my desires and passion. Yet it does no good now.
I've heard you Yamato, finally. I listened. In coming back to me all you wanted to say was that you still loved me, and that you were sorry. You weren't trying to say goodbye…but you were trying to give me some peace.
I wish I could have listened earlier, and that I could have told you the same thing. Those same words are all that I wanted to say to you. It's too late now.
Until, at least, we meet again. Maybe it will be easier then. Perhaps you knew that it would be easier for us in death. Yet if you have foreseen that, I cannot understand how.
Yet now I can finally understand…finally. Somehow I know, you understood long ago.
I can still feel the tears streaming down my face and mixing with the rain but I can't sob now. I know why you did it, and I can no longer blame you, despite the fact that you did break your promise.
Tentatively, I press my lips to you, very gently, ignoring the feelings it stirs inside me. It is only my way of apologizing to you, for now.
-- Yamato --
A bright, warm light burst through the darkness and the black, snake-like ribbon around me cowered in the light and disappeared. I was no longer being pulled down into the darkness. It no longer seemed warm and I wrapped my arms around myself while shivering. As fast as I could, I began to scurry over to the warm light, and felt almost invisible, glittering wings forming on my back.
I could not help but smile, yet I was frightened. Only your own light could have done this, Taichi. And with the tingling on my lips joining the rest of the light, I knew it was you. Perhaps I have had a positive reaction.
My wings were forming and I positioned myself and waited. This was the most dangerous part. If we could surpass this, the game would be taken to the next stage, but it would get much, much easier rather than harder.
Yet what would you do next?
-- Taichi --
I know what I must do.
I will not try to live on without you. Your efforts now would have been in too much vain.
It's stupid.
If I was smart I would leave now, and go far away, not following. By following I will, most likely, only make things worse and take in what's accounted for, yet that's all I can do. The game has gone on for far too long, neither of us can abandon it now.
The question is, how long will it be until I catch up? You will be far along death's road by now, and by the time I catch up, we may have forgotten about our efforts to bring the game back to its innocent point and instead only continue to argue. If that happen I fear that even us, its own creators, will not be able to control what turn the game takes…death does much to who its holds. And the game goes where we go.
…It's a risk I'm willing to take. For you. Yet I still fear what you have already done.
Taking a deep breath, I release the gun from your hand. Then I tenderly lay your body out on the ground, right next to the tree. It still causes me pain to see you like that, but not much, not anymore. I'll be with you soon.
-- Yamato --
~Wait for me. I'm coming for you.~
Your heart is calling out to me. You're asking me to wait for you. But how?
Our connection is much stronger than I ever thought before, the game kept us much closer than both of us ever realized. Why is it that we have realized this only through death?
Could it be that the time of our pain has almost passed?
My wings have fully formed off of your supporting light, and even though it's almost disappeared, I take no notice. Bursting through this barrier of darkness I fly to where I know you will emerge.
*I'm waiting. Please hurry.*
-- Taichi --
I have no regrets. It's selfish, but all I wish is to be reunited with you. It's foolish to think things will be okay right away, but I have hope, as foolish as I know it is.
"Sorry Ken. It's not your fault, do not believe it." I wish I had time to go back and say sorry, but this cannot be delayed. I just hope that he will understand.
Knowing that I must make haste before I can have any regrets about Ken, I lay myself down next to you and look up at the sky.
I always remember looking up at the stars with you at night. We'd lie on the grass and wonder what forces up there had in store for us.
Funny that I should still look back up to fate at a time like this.
Turning back to look at your face, I keep my gaze glued there. I want my last memory of being alive to include you.
Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes, and place the trigger straight on my heart.
~I'm almost there. Will you be waiting? Just how far has this game gone? Can you forgive me?~
I pull the trigger, and all I feel is immediate pain.
-- Yamato --
A gigantic burst of wind and light comes into my otherwise dark clearing and I am almost pushed full force to the ground. Fear shoots through my body. What will come of this meeting?
I'm happy though. In death we will be given all the time needed. Somehow I know, we will be allowed to remain in this clearing, until an agreement has been reached. I do not doubt that in the end, we will not be separated from each other. The game will either end (in us both winning) or continue. It will most likely continue; I do not think that all that has been done in the past six years can be healed so quickly. Yet I can not judge.
*I waited for you, I'm still here. When you come, what will you do? Can you forgive me? Can we forgive each other?*
~*We had let all that we had be reduced to pain and regret. Can we remember what we had, and our happiness, and let that rule our lives? Is this darkness too strong, has it really gone too far?*~
-- Taichi --
The amount of darkness that surrounded me was overwhelming. I was shoved into a very tight crack and could not breathe.
I held out, though, for I could feel myself being pushed out of the crack.
When I emerged, I realized a strange pressure on my back, but was forced to forget about it as I flew tumbling into a dark black clearing.
This was certainly not death's road, it was a place to wait before death fully claimed. Why was I here?
A warm light quickly supported me and I began to push against the forces around me, floating upwards, upwards, desperately trying to escape the pressure.
From the warm light wings began to form, and as I flew the light grew stronger until it was blinding.
Your essence surrounded me, and I was nervous.
A flash of anger ran through me. Why have I done this? Why have I gone and given up my life for you, when you're the person who started this in the first place? You're the one who left me Yamato, I did not ever leave you, I was always the one to return and forgive, until finally I stopped. Yet not for long.
You did come back to me today Yamato, but in the end all you did was leave me again. Here we are, at the very end of this road, and I'm the one returning to you. It's just like it was in the beginning.
How is it that after all that's happened, and after the pain you've caused me, I'm still willing to do this for you? How is it that I can be so mad at you and yet at the same time still love you to death, willing to follow you until we've made up, even if it means being separated forever?
My heart was pounding violently in my chest and all I wanted to do was turn back, that or take a different road. I do not want to face you.
…But I kept going. I still love you, and I've heard you now, I need to see you again, yet I will be mad, I know that I will be…
Yet as I reached the top, my heart stopped.
I see you, you're up there.
You're waiting for me, smiling hesitantly and painfully down at me, with a tentative hand outstretched to assist me if needed.
So, fate has chosen for us to remain here and work it out. I do not know how long it will take.
…But, what I do know, is that you did not break your promise to me. We cannot ever forgive for the pain and regret we have caused each other and ourselves over the past six years. But it helps, at least, to know that by killing yourself you did not break your promise to me after all. You waited.
Our hearts communicated with each other and you were willing to wait for me, to try and fix things, though you realize that it may all be in vain.
I know how stupid it will be, to try and fix things with you. As soon as I reach you we will be awkward, and we will argue. Yet we will be stuck together until we reach something.
How are we going to manage even that? I know what will happen, we will be eager to see each other at first, but when the time comes to talk we'll be awkward and then we will argue, and blame each other for it. I do not see how we can reach an agreement…it's been too long…
To end this game is almost impossible at this point, yet maybe…
All I am saying to you is, if we truly have forever to talk and work it out…
I love you. You love me, and we are both sorry. That was never enough before, as it should have been, but death is odd and gives people strange privileges.
And right now, seeing you waiting for me, I cannot help but let my love for you push past all other feelings, and for one moment, let it dissolve my anger for now. For one moment we will be granted a chance to go back to when life was this: each other, with no problems or doubts. I know it will go away within a minute, and our anger, pain, and regret will remain…
~*Yet I cannot help but hope*~
It is asking far too much, and part of me does not want it, part of me is still too angry.
Yet maybe…
Maybe we'll be okay after all.
~*Owari*~
Well, that's the end everyone!! I hope it was satisfying enough.
Do not be fooled by the ending. It seemed happy…it's deceiving. I never wanted a happy ending for this fic, which is why I never wanted to do the sequel, but it was haunting me, I couldn't help it, and most of you who reviewed asked me to go on….so I posted it.
I do suppose that you can look at it however you want. I did think I made enough implications that once they both met each other again, the tension would be too great, and they'd have to continue their "game", thus leading to an unhappy ending…but if you'd like to make it a happy ending, I suppose you can…I just thought it too unrealistic. But, then again, it's fanfiction, and it's love….odd things happen.
For those of you who asked for fluff, I will be posting fluff, I've had enough of dark angst fics for a while! Although I have promised a friend of mine to start some Lord of the Rings fics….so I'll be doing that, but I *will* get some Taito fluff out, if you're all patient!
Thanks so much for the great reviews, despite the death and hate threats, I did get some rather nice comments on my writing style, which was very encouraging. Thanks so much to all of my reviewers. If you would be so kind as to review this too, I'd be ever grateful to all of you! So review please, and so you next time with a fluff! Arigatou, minna-san!! Ja ne!
~Shadow Dreamer
