All You Wanted
By VivaGlam
(Song by Michelle Branch)
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Diana closed the door to her room and sank down onto her bed, exhausted and fatigued, but yet, the sleep was the most unattainable and unimportant thing on her mind right now. A few doors down, she could still feel the waves of fear, regret, and pain radiating out from Ryan. Despite her shielding, Ryan's despair at the seemingly insurmountable odds that faced them and his fear for Suzuka, made especially strong by the nightmare that he'd just had, had increased drastically from a dull buzzing that had been hovering at the edge of Diana's consciousness the entire evening, to a loud roar that shook her consciousness and made her vision swim.
She could feel a migraine coming on, but instead of talking to Ryan and asking him to not project his emotions so much, Diana instead concentrated on pushing the humming back, and keeping it down to a minimum. After a few minutes of struggling, she finally managed to keep her power to a minimum, and rose from her bed, to slowly trudge to the makeshift kitchenette found in the spacious cabin that they were now inhabiting.
She opened some cabinets, before finally finding the aspirin. She downed a couple, and found some milk. Milk was always comforting. Some people turned to mashed potatoes as their comfort food, while others viewed brownies, or chocolate chip cookies as their personal comfort food- a safety blanket of sorts that transported them back to a quiet time, when they had not been threatened by the wiles of the world, and the smell of Mom's freshly baked cookies was all that was needed to make everything right once again. For Diana, it was milk- something about just drinking the dairy product reminded her of times when her aunt's kindhearted maid would comfort her during difficult times with a glass of cool milk and a plate of warm cookies. It wasn't so much of the food, mused Diana, as it was the warm feeling of knowing that somebody cared for you that really made the comfort food as, well, comforting as it was.
In times like these, she'd come to realize that now, instead of the maid and her milk and cookies that she used rely on for comfort, she'd replaced those with the team. More specifically, Ryan. She cared deeply for everybody on the team, of course. Even- no, especially Jhonen. But most people would always be closer to some people in the team than to others, and she was no exception. She'd always had a soft spot for young Deirdre, but she and Ryan had connected in a way that she doubted few other people ever had.
Even from the first time that they'd met each other, she'd felt a special connection. She had looked up to him, wanted to be like him so badly. He'd been free, alive, away from the constraints of boarding school, and so far away from her uncaring, snobby aunt and her perfect, beautiful half sister. He led the kind of life that she'd always wanted to lead, and so she'd been more than willing to join him.
I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything
And he'd been exotic. Not exotic in his looks, but exotic in his history, and in his background. Ryan had been so different, and yet so familiar at the same time. And he was a mutant. A true blue mutant. Sure, she was a mutant just like Ryan was, but he somehow embodied everything that she thought a mutant did, or should do. A hero, on the run, using their abilities for humankind, for the greater good, leading a life of chivalry and heroism against those who would endanger the innocent. It was so romantic. He'd appeared from out of the blue- they'd both met through a chance encounter, and somehow, they'd just clicked.
And it didn't hurt that he'd been rather good-looking, too. Ryan had always acted towards her in a very brotherly way, and she wondered if he knew. If he'd ever wondered about the way that she looked at him, eyes full of adoration and…
Did she dare say it? Love.
So when the time and need for them to go into hiding came, she'd been more than willing to follow Ryan. Ryan, her very own handsome, courageous hero, who she'd follow to the ends of the Earth, in his quest for peace between the mutants and the humans.
So I tried to be like you
And I got swept away
When she'd first joined up with Ryan, she'd been a hopelessly inexperienced fighter- now, after two and a half year, she was actually decent- she wouldn't be completely helpless in a fight, that's for sure.
But Ryan had been gently patient with her the whole time through. She'd clearly been his weak link, back when she'd first joined him, and yet, he still kept her around, despite the fact that she was a liability, a loose end. Somebody more ruthless would have gotten rid of her, or left her behind. But not Ryan.
I didn't know that it was so cold
But being a mutant on the run wasn't as romantic, or as wonderful as she'd thought it would be. She nearly blushed with embarrassment at the memory of her ignorance and naiveté. The lack of food, having to sleep in cars, or even, once, in an alleyway, all made her curse her stupidity. Nobody had told her that having adventures was going to be difficult. Or painful. If she had known, she wouldn't have gone.
Who was she kidding? She'd known it all along. And she'd still gone, anyways. She'd just refused to believe herself. That it would be this difficult. And yet, Diana reasoned, that's what made it so meaningful. One savored triumphs and victories much better if one had had to work for it. And she'd sure as hell worked hard to stay on this team, and pull her own weight, and be somebody who the others, the younger, more inexperienced ones could count on to mother them, to comfort them whenever they needed it.
And on bad days, she comforted herself with the fact that she was being a hero, doing what heroes did, and maybe, someday, she would be appreciated for what she did.
And you needed someone to show you the way
In a way, she felt that Ryan needed her as much as he needed the team. Not many people got the chance to see Ryan show his emotionally vulnerable side, but she did, and she often saw the pain that he went through. Leading this team had taken its toll on him. In so many ways, he was as lost as they were. He was just better at hiding it.
She hadn't really been surprised when Ryan had picked her to be his second-in-command. Kyle was older, and Suzuka a better fighter, but nobody knew Ryan quite like she did. And she'd come to realize that Ryan leaned on her for a certain amount of emotional support as much as she leaned on him. It was a relationship of mutual benefit- neither of them could carry the heavy burden of leadership by themselves, so they relied on each other for strength, and carried the load together.
So I took your hand and we figured out
That when the tide comes I'd take you away
Someday, she mused, when this was all over, she would tell Ryan. About everything. About her feelings for him, and about how she wanted to care for him and be by his side forever. She'd take him away, to a place where the pain and hurt of the world could never taint his soul anymore than it already had.
If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
She recalled the exact words that Ryan had said to her, when extending his hand to her, encouraging her to join his team. "You're not safe here anymore. I can't guarantee your safety forever, because it's a tough world out there. But if you want to, I can take you away, and save you."
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted was somebody who cares
She'd agreed immediately. Anywhere was better than here. And there was Ryan. He'd take care of her. Protect her. Somehow, something about the way he'd said those words had struck a chord deep within her, and she was moved to go with him.
In hindsight, Diana realized that part of the reason that she was so willing to go along was because she'd somehow sensed that despite his tough, self-sufficient exterior lay a lonely man who was badly in need of care and compassion. It had taken awhile to get to the core of it. Ryan was good at hiding his emotions behind work, behind the guise of necessity. And yet, once she'd dug beneath the surface, she'd discovered that he felt so… empty. There was no real word for it- being an empath, it was hard to describe what she'd seen of his emotional core. All she knew was that he needed somebody to open up to, to care for again, before he was lost for good.
I'm sinking slowly
So hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Diana sank slowly down to the floor, and rested her back against the cabinets, tipping her head back to rest them against the cool, smooth plastic. She could identify completely with the emptiness inside of Ryan.
Tired, so tired. The weight of the world lay heavily on his shoulders, and now, it's terrible weight dragged her own being down with it, too. It was so easy, sometimes. To just give up, and lay there, waiting for the inevitable. So tempting, the prospect. How Ryan had even managed to last this long, she had no idea. The pain of having sent Suzuka to her probably doom started to gnaw at the edges of her heart, and she closed her eyes, a tear slowly trickling down her cheek.
Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone
She held her head in her hands, and rocked back and forth, slowly. How does Ryan cope with this? She wondered tearfully. I can't. I can't. I don't want to. Too young. Don't want this responsibility anymore.
The sudden change in her mood was palpable, and the night air seemed pregnant with expectation. If this was a movie, Ryan would have appeared from his room, and swept poor, fragile Diana into his arms, whispering and comforting her, that everything was going to be alright when she woke up, that it was all just a bad dream.
But this was no movie.
If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
And Diana was left alone to her sobs. Alone, without anybody to comfort her, or to make her feel better.
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted was somebody who cares
She raised a hand to her eyes and wiped the tears streaming down her face roughly, angry that she had succumbed to the feelings of guilt and regret that were plaguing her. She couldn't afford to have the luxury of wallowing in self-pity. The others needed her. She had to be there for them all, and especially for Ryan. Ryan, who had enough to worry about already, without having his second-in-command go to pieces on him.
All you wanted was somebody who cares
But if she was there for them, then who would be there for her? In times like this?
If I'm caring for Ryan, then who'll care for me? The only answer that she got from her mind was a blank.
If you need me you know I'll be there
Oh, yeah
She smiled ruefully. But then again, that didn't really matter, now did it? Because the team came before her. She loved Ryan, and his well-being would have to come before hers, because the well-being of the entire team depended on him. And if that meant that she went to pieces, then, well, so be it. Sacrifices have to be made, and Diana would make them for the sake of the team.
And for Ryan.
She placed the glass of milk down in the sink, and then proceeded to head back to her room. Did Ryan know? Did he even have the slightest clue about her feelings for him? Surely a telepath like him would be able to pick up on such feelings. And yet, she'd grown to realize over time that even telepathic men could be incredibly dense and stupid.
As she reached her room, she flopped back onto her bed. How was Ryan feeling right now? Cautiously letting her shields down, she discovered that he was no longer projecting his emotions out. Breathing a grateful sigh of relief, she lifted the covers and snuggled back down under them. Sleep wasn't going to be easy, but she needed the rest, and the Tylenol that she had taken was starting to take effect, the drug causing her to feel drowsy.
Eyelids heavy, she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.
