Title: Static Cling and Other Things
Started: 11/29/02
Disclaimer: I own nothing in the story

A/N: Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out. I'll try and get the next one out sooner. :)


Chapter 5: Never come between a Chicken Wuss and his hot dogs



It was a bright and sunny day. Seifer slept well knowing of the damage that he had inflicted to the Balamb Garden students. True he might have been a little surprised at what Selphie had done the previous morning, but it was a small price to pay to exact his revenge.

Seifer: (Soon those fools will know what happens when you humiliate Seifer J. Almasy. Everyone will remember me. I'll even be more famous than the Card Queen) No one can stop m

*Seifer was stopped in mid sentence when he was suddenly whacked up side the head by *Dum Dum Dummmmm*..... Zell?

Zell: *snicker* Oops, sorry there pal. I didn't notice you since you don't have that bright pair of undies stuck to your back.

Seifer: *Glowing red and snarling* ZELL WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING AND WHY DID YOU SUDDENLY JUST HIT ME? *Seifer notices that people have stopped and and staring at him. He lowers his voice and continues on* Ahhh, Chicken Wuss. You must be swatting those flies again. Maybe if you bathed once in a while it might help.

Zell: Ha. You're one to talk Underwear Man. The flies didn't show up until you appeared. I was just defending myself from the likes of them as well as that stench you were giving off. I'm going outside to get some fresh air. Once you're in a better mood come talk to me and I'll teach you how to swat those flies away. See ya later loser. *Turns and jogs the rest of the way out *

Seifer: Grrr. Damn you Zell Dincht. How dare you talk to me as if I was a child. *Turns and stomps away*

*Seifer and Irvine's room*

Seifer: (Good. Looks like Selphie's out taking her Cowboy for a walk. Now to think of how to get my revenge on that Chicken Wuss. Who does he think he is anyways, the President of Deling? Dammit! I knew that my new Malboro Mist cologne was strong, but I didn't think it was that strong. I guess they really do use the essence of Malboro Breath in it. Oh well. No time to ponder that now. I have to find a way to get back at that loser and I think I know exactly how I'm going to do it too. I truly am the superior one). MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

*The sound of slamming doors could be heard through out the Garden's halls as students ran to their rooms and locked their doors. Seifer leaves his room and starts heading for the Cafeteria*

Seifer: (Now to put my plan into action) Hello Cafeteria Lady. How are you today?

Cafeteria Lady: Well hi there youngster. I'm fine but if you are here for the hot dogs I'm afraid we're all sold out today.

Seifer: That's ok ma'am. I'm not here for any hot dogs, but I have some rather disturbing news about them.

Cafeteria Lady: Look. I know that you're part of the Discipline Commitee and all but for the last time I don't know what's in the hot dogs.

Seifer: That's not what this is about ma'am. This is about the hot dogs and how they're really *sniff* quite dangerous to a *sob* Chocobo's voice. *Pretends to cry but is really trying to keep from laughing at the Cafeteria Lady's expression*

Cafeteria Lady: *Has a look of horror on her face* *gasp* I had no idea. Oh those poor Chocobo's. Tell me dear, just how do the hot dogs affect a Chocobo's voice?

Seifer: *Still keeping up his fake act* Well it really is quite horrible. As I'm sure you are well aware of Chocobo's go around saying "Wark" in there oh so cute, gag me with a spoon, way. However when the poor little Chocobo gets a hold of a hot dog it will that cute sounding "Wark" in to a mean and gruff "Work". Then people capture them and use them in there Materia Mines and all the while the Chocobo's just get a measly one Gysahl Green a day.

Cafeteria Lady: *sob* This is just so horrible. What can I ever do to help?

Seifer: (Ha. Hook, line, and stinker. This is going better than I thought). It's simple really. Just discontinue the selling of "these" hot dogs.

Cafeteria Lady: Oh but everyone really likes hot dogs. *Starts to rant madly* Why, this could put us out of business and Cid would have to send out for that expensive Balamb Fish and Shumi Surprise. No one would be able to afford to eat here and so they would move away. People would come to hire SeeDs only to find that know ones around. Garden will be shut down and the place will be turned into a space ship by the race of PuPu. Oh the humanity of it all!

Seifer:*Starts to sweat* Um ma'am, I only said to stop selling "these" hot dogs.

Cafeteria Lady: Oh well now that's a Chocobo of a different color sonny. *Slaps Seifer on the arm so hard that he almost falls over*

Seifer: Uh, yeah, sure. Now You leave everything to me and I'll have you're new hot dogs to you first thing in the morning.

Cafeteria lady: Really? Oh thank you. Is there anyway I can repay you?

Seifer: Just one thing ma'am. I'd like to keep up image so don't tell anyone what I've done, ok?

Cafeteria Lady: You got it Sonny. *Goes back to work as Seifer leaves the Cafeteria*

Seifer: (Now that that's settled it's time I go take care of some other business. That fool Zell won't know what hit him and I'll be the one laughing last). MWAHAHAHAHAHA.

*Meanwhile in the Cafeteria*

Cafeteria Lady: That poor boy. He's been working so hard and now it sounds as if he's coming down with something. Must be that Funguar Flu that's been going around. I'll be sure to take him some nice, hot Torama Soup and maybe a couple of Jelleye Donuts.

*The next day*

Seifer: (Good thing I got here early and was able to find a good seat to watch the show. Too bad I have to sit behind this guy who keeps mumbling about Quistis. Doesn't that fool know she's mine? Oh well. Zell should be here any minute).

*As if on cue a very energetic Zell came busting through the Cafeteria's doors. He looked rather sweaty too*

Zell: Alright I got here as fast as I could. I even had the Auto-Haste ability junctioned so that I could get here faster. So are there any hot dogs left?

Cafeteria Lady: Why sure thing sonny. These were just delivered this morning so you're in luck.

Zell: Really!? Alright! *Starts to jump up and down and even performs his victory dance*

Cafeteria Lady: Now tell me youngster, how many do you want?

Zell: 10. No wait, 20. Ah hell I wouldn't want to be greedy so I'll just take 50. Thank you. *Accepts the tray with the mountain of hot dogs on it and finds a place to sit*

Seifer: (Way to go Chicken Wuss.Ha. That fool was probably fighting in the Training Center so it's no wonder that he's reeaalll). *snicker, snort, hack, cough, weez, gasp*

*And Seifer probably would have busted out laughing but at that moment he accidently choked on his Three Stars Tea and only managed to end up having it squirt out his nose. However no one noticed for at that time Zell had started to cause a rather large commotion*

Zell: *Waving a hot dog with a rather large bite taken out of it* WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP? I FINALLY GET MY CHANCE TO HAVING A TRAY FULL OF HOT DOGS AND YOU PEOPLE GIVE ME THIS TRAY FULL OF SHIT INSTEAD! THIS STUFF'S SO BAD THAT I DON'T EVEN THINK CERBERUS WILL EVEN EAT IT. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE TO THE "HOT DOGS OF ESTHAR" GROUP. DON'T THINK THAT THIS ISSUE IS RESOLVED FOR I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT! *With that Zell stormed out of the Cafeteria. Everyone ran after Zell to see what he would do so the only people left in the Cafeteria were Seifer and the rather disturbed Cafeteria Lady.

Seifer: (This is great. What will Chicken Wuss do since the Cafeteria only serves fake hot dogs. I'll have to call that Veggie Farm and thank them. This is just to perfect and me without my camera. Oh well. On to the next victim. And speaking of cameras I think I know just the fool to target next). MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

*If there had been anyone else, besides the Cafeteria Lady, in the room they would have all fled at the sound of the horrendous laugh. As it turned out instead the Cafeteria Lady walked out to Seifer with what appeared to be a bowl of soup and a donut*

Cafeteria Lady: Too bad about the thing with the hot dogs. I know you tried your best though so I fixed you up a little something to help you with that awful cough of yours. Eat up sonny cause this might be the last meal I ever fix here.

Seifer: Thank you ma'am (I think). (What a strange soup. Rather tasty though. Oh well. No need for it to go to waste). *Seifer finishes his meal and heads off to his dorm*

*It turns out that the Cafeteria Lady was correct about something. That was the last meal she ever cooked at Balamb Garden. Zell had complained to Headmaster Cid so much that Cid finally agreed to employ Zell's Ma as the new head chef. The Cafeteria Lady became known as the Cleaning Lady and is currently the main janitor for the MD Level of the Garden. The rest of the Veggie Dogs were used as fertilizer in the Training Center. Strangely though there don't seem to be as many T-Rexaurs as there used to be.Know one really knows why the Cafeteria had tried serving Veggie Dogs and the Cafeteria Lady, er, make that Cleaning Lady, isn't talking either. Lastly we look in an issolated forest where Chocoboy is sharing his lifetime supply of hot dogs with the local Chocobos. Note that if you look closely at the hot dog box you will see a label that
says: "Is safe for all Chocobo's and in no way will it impair their voice and they will not be shipped off to Materia Mines where they are forced to tell people to "Work"*


*And so ends another fun filled chapter of Seifer getting his revenge. Tune in next time to see who the poor fool is* :)



Short? Yes! Stupid? Yes! Review? Yes!