Title: Static Cling and Other Things
Started 11/29/02
Disclaimer: I own nothing in the story




Chapter 7: She's all that.


Well Seifer's attempt at blackmailing Cid had not gone quite as well as he had hoped, but all was not lost. Now his next plan would take a bit more effort as well as a call to the President of Esthar. He figured that since he dispised Squall the most, Seifer would get back at him in several ways. And that is how the day started. Irvine had gotten up early and had gone to give Selphie her morning dose of sugar packets. This was good because Seifer wanted to be by himself when he made that oh so important phone call.

*Seifer and Irvine's Room*

Seifer: (Good. Now that Cowboy is out I can begin my plan). *Picks up the phone and dials*

*In the office of President Laguna Loire* *Ring, ring, ring* *Ring, ring ring*

Laguna: Hello. Laguna Loire speaking.

Seifer: *His voice disguised as a seductive woman* Oh I'm so glad that I could get a hold of you Mr.President. I've heard how wonderful and kind a man you were and I need your help.

Laguna: *Slight trickle of blood coming out of his nose* Oh ho ho ho. I'll be happy to help you miss. What can I do to you.... er, I mean for you?

Seifer: *Still just as seductive* Oh it's simple really. I'm going to be putting on a fashion show at Balamb Garden and one of the models is sick with the Funguar Flu and I was hoping that you could replace them. Please, pretty please?

Laguna: *Giggling with delight* Ah ha ha ha. Of course I would miss. I happen to know of Balamb Garden well because I have a son there. He's a great kid and has made me so proud. Not only has he become a Rank A SeeD and gotten himself a wonderful girlfriend, I can practically hear the wedding bells already, but he and his friends saved the world from that evil Ultimatum.

*A voice is heard in the background*

Kiros: Ward says that it was the evil Ultimecia, Laguna.

Laguna: I knew that. Anyways maybe while you're there I can introduce you to him.

Seifer: *You can almost see the steam pouring out of his ears and his voice isn't as seductive* Oh no Mr. President. That's ok. I don't think I'll have time to meet that sucker, er, I mean savior. I'll be too busy planning the show and getting your... outfit ready. The show will be held in 5 hours today so be sure to fly the Ragnarok over. Until then, toodles. *Rather forcefuly puts the phone down on the reciever*

Laguna: *Oblivious to anything* Oh this will be so exciting. I'll be able to see Squall again. I must get prepared. Kiros, Ward, prepare the Ragnarok. I must go pack.

Kiros: *Sigh* Yes Laguna. Let's go Ward.

Ward: .....

Kiros: I know Ward. He can be a little weird at times. Let's just hurry up and get this over with.

*Two and a half hours later on the Ragnarok*

Kiros: Geez Laguna. You think you got enough stuff?

Laguna: Well you can never be to careful, Kiros. Who knows what dangers lean around the corner?

Ward: ......

Kiros: Ward says that it's "lurk". Who knows what dangers lurk around the corner?

Laguna: I knew that. I was just testing you.

Kiros: Yeah but did you really need to bring all this crap.

Ward: ......

Laguna: That isn't nice Ward.

Kiros: I agree with him though. You do pack like a woman. What's next, wearing a dress and makeup?

Laguna: Oh come on now. I may be just a tad weird but I still have my masculinity. Oh good, we're finally here.

Kiros: It's about time.

*Laguna, Kiros, and Ward have landed the Ragnarok outside of Balamb Garden*

Laguna: *Adjusts his suspenders* You guys wait here and I'm going to find that young lady who needs my help. *Starts skipping off*

Ward: .....

Laguna: I know Ward. Laguna must have been dropped on his head as a child.

*In a dark corner of the Balamb Garden's.... Parking Lot? Seifer is there and he appears to be dressed in, well, a dress. As well as pantyhouse, make-up, and four inch heels. A black lacey scarf covers her, er, his face*

Seifer: *His voice disguised just like it was when he talked to Laguna on the phone* I'm so glad you could make it Laguna.

Laguna: Well of course miss. Anything to help a pretty girl such as yourself. *Gives a sly wink* ;)

Seifer: *Sweats slightly at that* Ah, of course Laguna. Here, I've brought the clothes for you. *Holds up what appears to be a black garbage bag*]

Laguna: Ok then. Let's have a look at what we've got here. *Takes the bag and opens it up*....... What the hell!?

Seifer: Is something wrong Laguna?

Laguna: Yeah something is wrong. Just what are you trying to pull here missy? *Pulls a bright yellow sundress out of the bag*

Seifer: *Pulls a pink kanky from out of nowhere and starts to dab at where his eyes are under the scarf* *Boo hoo hoo* I'm sorry I didn't explain everything over the phone Laguna, but I knew that if I did you wouldn't have agreed to help me. *Boo hoo hoo*. You see, the model that was supposed to where that has come down with a drastic case of the Funguar Flu. I couldn't find anyone else that was a perfect size 8 dress. (A/N: How Seifer knows Laguna's dress size is beyond me).

Laguna: *Starts to pat Seifer's shoulder* There, there little lady. There's no need to cry. I didn't realize just how important to you this was. I suppose that since you couldn't find anyone else, plus the fact that it's so close to showtime, I'll help you out. But just this once, ok?

Seifer: *Starts acting rather fruity* OH THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH. I WILL FOREVER REMEMBER YOUR KINDESS.

Laguna: Sure thing miss. Oh, and by the way, what might be your name be?

Seifer: Uh, my name is, um.....

Laguna: Don't be shy now. (She's so take by my charms, Laguna you stud you).

Seifer: My name is.... is Salamander. (Salamander? What the hell was I thinking!?)

*And of course Laguna being the idiot, er, I mean, being the stud that he was, had now clue that a Salamander is really a type of lizard*

Laguna: Of course. A fitting name for one such as yourself. Now be a dear and turn around while I change.

*15 minutes later*

Laguna: Well, how do I look?

Seifer/Salamander: *Salamander tried his/her best to hide his/her snickers* Oh you look absolutely stunning. You'll certainly be top dog at the show.

*And stunning he was for Laguna now was wearing the bright yellow sundress, pearl necklace and earrings, pantyhose, yellow three-inch heels, and make-up*

Laguna: Thank you kindly miss. I think it's about time for us to go meet with the other models.

Seifer/Salamander: *Quickly recovers* Oh that's ok dear. You just go on ahead and I'll meet you in front of the directory.

Laguna: Alright then miss, If you say so. See you later. *He leaves the garage and starts heading to the directory*

Seifer: (Good. That bafoon is finally gone. Now to get out of these ridiculous clothes). *Changes his clothes at the speed of light* (I never realized how weak men can be at times. All girls need to do is to put on the water works and you become putty in their hands. I guess that's how Rinoa was able to get away with charging 3,500,000 Gil to my credit card. Good thing I got that new Gold Chocobo Credit Card. But her time is coming. Just wait Rinoa. I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too). MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

*Meanwhile, at the directory where Laguna is currently waiting for Salamander*

Laguna: That poor girl. She must have been moved to tears by my kindness.

*At that moment Squall, Rinoa, and Selphie are walking out of the elevator and down the stairs. They are engaged in a conversation and so haven't noticed the dolled up Laguna yet*

Squall: I don't know about this Rinoa. I'm not sure I'm really into the idea of you and Selphie giving me a make over.

Rinoa: Nothing to worry about. We just want to dress you in a suit and style your hair. Then we can go dancing again. This time with Selphie and Irvine. I'll even wear that white dress you like so much.

Squall: *Smiles a little at the memory* Really? I guess that wouldn't be so bad. Just be careful not to bump into anyone.

Rinoa: *Also smiles at the memory* Sure. And besides, it's not like we're going to dress you up like a girl and put make-up on you.

Selphie: *Suddenly tunes in to the conversation* Why not guys, it looks like Squall's dad is doing it*

Squall&Rinoa: What!?

Selphie: See? *Points to where Laguna is at the directory*

*Laguna by now sees Squall and the others*

Laguna: *Yells really loud and starts to wave his arms* HI SQUALL. NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN SON. HOW ARE THINGS GOING WITH YOU AND RINOA. HAVE YOU JUMPED INTO THE HAY YET?

*Squall quickly runs over to his dad to try and shut him up*

Squall: *Shhhh* Keep it down dad. Do you want people to hear you.

Laguna: Of course I do son. Why, it's time for the fashion show and I'm waiting for the other models. I'm waiting for my lovely Salamander to show. By the way, have you seen her? Such a nice girl.

*Squall by now is also thinking that Laguna had been dropped on his head as a child*

Squall: Uh, no dad I haven't and besides, a Salamander is a type of lizard and there hasn't been any word about a fashion show her. If there is I'll just tell all the other drag queens that you couldn't make it. Now I think it's time for you to go home. I assume that you came on the Ragnarok, but if you came by train then it would probably be a good idea to change before you leave. I'm sorry to cut this visit short but I'm very busy. Be sure to stop by again when you're back to normal. Good bye father. *And with that Squall, Rinoa, and Selphie hurry off to their next destination all the while leaving a very confused Laguna*

Laguna: Hmm, maybe Salamander got the dates of the fashion show wrong. I don't see her and it's time for me to be getting back to the office. If I see her again I'll return it. Farewell, my sweet Salamander. *Laguna tearfuly leaves and returns to the Ragnarok where Kiros and Ward are waiting*

*Meanwhile, back at the Ragnarok*

Kiros: Dammit that's the 10 times in a row that I've lost at poker. You sure have a good poker face.

Ward: .....

Kiros: Oh no. Don't go thinking that I'm going to lose again. Bring it on pal.

*At that moment Laguna enters the Ragnarok*

Kiros: *Who isn't paying to much attention and doesn't even look up* You must be that woman that Laguna talked to on the phone. Sorry but that loser isn't here right now. He's probably looking for you in the Balamb Garden building right now.

Laguna: No actually that loser is right here.

Kiros: *Is rather stunned at first but then busts out laughing* Bhahahahahahahahaha. Laguna, what the hell happened to you? When we left you you somewhat resembled a man, but now I'm not quite sure how to describe you.

Laguna: *Very sarcastic* Ha ha, very funny Kiros. I'll have you know that the young woman just happened to need my help and me, being the kind person that I am, offered to help her.

Ward: ......

Kiros: Ward is right. You really are about a minus 3 on the manly scale.

Laguna: Yeah whatever. Let's just hurry up and go home. The pantyhose are starting to ride up.

Kiros: *Snicker* Sure thing Luann.

*Back in Seifer and Irvine's room*

Seifer: (That was probably one of the easiest stunts I ever pulled. I just wish I could have come up with a better name than Salamander. I mean,who the hell would be named that)?

*Off in an issolated island we see Chocoboy with his girlfriend Lulu and her Chocobo Salamander. Lulu is wearing a (rather familiar) bright yeallow sundress that she saw someone wearing and just had to get it*


Short? Yes! Stupid? Yes! Review? Yes!