I
guess they lied when the doctors said those things to me, I guess they didn't
want me to be afraid. I wouldn't have been afraid, but I guess they didn't
realize whom they were speaking with. I'm not the kind of person who cares what
people say; I should have known that they wouldn't have told me that day.
I missed my chance to fight some more; I missed my chance to go for the door. I
missed my chance to hug my family, friends and fellow employees. I missed my
chance to tell my brother how much I love him once more. I missed it all
because of them, those doctors who knew I needed my friends.
I was told that it would be all right, that, at the end of the night,
everything would be back together again. They told me that my brother was okay,
that he was taking it so well. They said that I shouldn't be worried about a thing;
I guess I should have asked them again.
I guess I should have asked to see my friends one last time. I guess I should
have asked to speak with my father on the phone. I guess I should have asked to
see that sparkle in my brother's bright eyes. But, that wouldn't have helped; I
guess I should have demanded it from them.
The least I could have done was beg, or plead, I should have at least
done something.
But, I didn't. Damn, if I could go back in time I would have made sure to duck
that once. I would have made sure that the fans would have cheered when I
gripped the ladder myself, and shoved it back at him. I should have taken my
chance to make it all turn out all right. I should have taken the chance to win
the fight. But, I guess the story goes as told. I didn't get the chance to win
the gold, I lost it at my fingertips.
The fans went wild as I climbed the turnbuckle for the last time in the match.
To hit my famous move, then roll away to lose the match, to lose everything I
ever had. And let it all be saved in their minds, because I will never be there
again.
I will never have the chance to see the signs once more. I will never have the
chance to hold the titles with my brother. I will never have the chance to talk
to my friends and family. I will never have the chance to make the fans go
wild. I will never have so many chances to do so many things, I guess it was my
calling to end, let's just leave it at that.
I wish my father could have been there, so I could look into his eyes, and tell
him I was sorry for ruining my superstar rise. I know he would have told me,
that I did all I was meant to do, and that my brother would watch after our
names, so that we could live forever. I wish I could have mumbled something to
my brother, who held my hand the whole while, before I went up to where I had
to go, and told him how much he meant to me. I wish Jay, Adam, Amy, and
everyone could have crammed inside of the room, so I could see them all once
more, before I went up through space. I have so many wishes, that I can never
see come true, I have so many wishes and I can't figure out what to do.
My heart just aches with pain, knowing I can't hear their voices, except when I
look down. At least I still have memories from every second in a day. I
remember every event that I, or my brother, was ever in. I remember the first
one like it was yesterday, down to every last detail.
I guess I just have to laugh at some of the memories, though. Like when Jeff
first figured out how to dye his hair. Oh God that was the damn day that I will
never forget. And, then, he decided to surprise me. He dyed my hair while I was
sleeping! I got him back bad, though. I didn't talk to him for a week, or at
least I tried not to talk to him for a week. I only lasted about half an hour
before Jeff made me laugh with one of his weird faces that he makes, it was too
funny not to hug him. I miss him so damn much!
Well, I don't know why, but I guess that it was my time. I wish it wasn't, I
wish it was somebody else's time. I just wish that I could go back home. Why
can't this be a dream? It's not a dream, and I guess I have to get that through
my head. That I can never go home, that I can never hug my dad or Jeff, that I
can never talk with anyone backstage, that I can never see the fans again.
But, I can watch over them. Kind of like a guardian angel, for every last one
of them. And, tonight will be my first try at it. I'll have my chance at the
watching pool, or so some call it up here, tonight and on Mondays. Tonight, I
remember, Jeff will be in a match, it was supposed to be a tag team action
night. But, it just wasn't meant to be.
I'll watch over him though, he can always count on me, just like I could always
count on him. I'll never let him down, I better get watching though. As I look
through the pool, I can't even believe my eyes. Almost every single sign being
held up as I watch Jeff and Amy bounce down the ramp, not as happy as usual, in
our home state of North Carolina. Almost every sign reads something about Jeff
and I, about Team Xtreme, about how they are so sorry, I can't believe it.
"Thank you" I mumble, hoping they can hear me. I know they can't, it's just
something in return to them, and it makes me feel better to hear it for them. I
think they know, or I hope they know, how much I love them all. Jeff seems very
upset, I can't blame him. I know how he feels, kind of, I can never be there
again. It's been a few weeks, but it doesn't feel right to be up here and not
down there. "Give your all buddy, I'm proud of you either way." That was for
Jeff, he knows I'm proud of him, he knows that. "And remember, your big bro
loves you."
No time to finish watching, I can't hold back the tears. I hate it when I cry,
I hate it when I sob out loud, and I hate that I can't be there. I hate that I
can't be there, just one more time.
