"For Your EDutainment"
I continued walking down the street. I kept passing a bunch of unrecognizable Powerpuff Girls characters. None of them talked to me and I didn't talk to them. I had to figure out what to do once I left the city. As I walked, I put my hands into my jeans pockets again and discovered that I still had a few coins left. Just enough to buy some candy. I walked into a nearby candy store and bought four jawbreakers. They were almost as big as my head, and they looked really good. But I didn't have much of an appetite right now, so I put them into my back pockets and kept walking. (I had feared that the jawbreakers would cause noticeable bulges in my jeans but they didn't! They just, I dunno, disappeared in them! I guess that's how cartoon characters are able to whip large objects out from behind their backs all the time.)
I don't know how long I walked until I realized the buildings were becoming smaller and more residential. That made me glad; I was finally exiting Townsville. However, that wasn't the only difference I saw.
I stopped as I looked around. The neighborhood I found myself in was less detailed than downtown Townsville. Everything was brighter and more pastel-like. I scratched my head trying to figure out why.
I saw my arm out of the corner of my eye and did a double take. I shouted out as I saw what had happened to me. The entire outline of my body was an incredibly thick dark line...and it was FIDGETING! It was blinking back and forth like it was alive!
Once I saw this squiggly animation phenomenon, I knew exactly which show I was in.
As I smiled to myself, I arrived at an intersection. I looked to the right and saw a dead-end. My spine began tingling as I walked in that direction. As I walked closer, I saw that it wasn't just a dead-end, but a cul-de-sac. A very familiar one, too. I arrived at the cul-de-sac and saw several houses surrounding it.
I knew the Eds had to be at one of them.
I decided to temporarily abandon my quest to find my way home in order to explore this area. I began walking along the circular sidewalk. Halfway around, I stopped. Right in front of me was a rope net attached to an overhanging oak bough. This trap was obviously set by one of the kids. I easily sidestepped it and continued on my way. Suddenly, I caught some movement out of the corner of my eye! A figure had dashed behind a nearby house. I quickly ran down a small side yard in the direction of where I saw the stranger. I had the fence on my right and the house on my left. Before I knew it, I arrived at the corner of the house, and I pressed myself up against the wall. Taking a deep breath, I peeked around the corner of the house.
I was met with a spray of shockingly cold water. It knocked me clear off my feet! I heard insane laughter as the water kept spraying me.
"I got him! I got him!" said one voice.
"Eddy! That's not the enemy! It's just some stranger!" said another voice.
"I am a llama! Spitting water!" said a third voice.
The water stopped spraying at me. Drenched with water, I sat up. I wiped the water away from my eyes as I saw three young boys staring at me. They had squiggly outlines around their bodies too. The first boy was wearing a striped shirt and a green overcoat. He had a demented look on his face, and so I figured he must be Ed. The second boy was wearing a black hat, red shirt, shorts, and shoes. I knew he had to be Edd. The third boy, the one who sprayed me, was wearing a yellow shirt, jeans, and had three long black strands of hair. He, of course, was Eddy. All three boys were carrying large water guns. Eddy's gun was connected to a huge backpack filled with water on his back.
"Sorry about that, sir," said Edd, sympathetically. "Are you alright?"
"Double-D! Don't talk to him! He could be on the enemy's side!" said Eddy.
"He is as wet as a walrus," uttered Ed, stupidly.
"Could someone please tell me what the heck is going on?!" I shouted.
The Eds stopped and looked at me oddly. Edd spoke up first. "We are currently engaged in a water gun war against the other kids in the area."
"You Eds against everyone else, right?" I asked smugly.
"Hey! How do you know who we are?" asked Eddy suspiciously.
Crap. I did it again. Now I had to think of another excuse of how I got here and fast. I immediately came up with the first thing that came to my mind. "Well, I went on a secret mission to the enemy's secret base and they kept talking about you guys, so that's how I know about you." Now, would they buy it? Ed did, obviously. Edd seemed to accept it, although he was still skeptical. Eddy didn't believe me at all.
"Waaait a minute..." said Eddy as he pointed the water gun at my nose. "How do we know you're not some secret agent from the enemy sent here to gather information about where we are, hmm?"
"Eddy is the Jawbreaker Mastermind," said Ed as he stared off into the distance.
That's when it hit me. The jawbreakers! I could use them to get me on their side! I reached behind me and pulled out three of the four jawbreakers out of my back pockets and showed them to the Eds. "If I give you these jawbreakers, will you let me be on your side?"
All three boys nodded their heads as they greedily eyed the giant spheres of candy. "Thanks," I said and I handed the jawbreakers to the Eds. They stuck the candy in their cheeks, which caused them to swell bigger than their own heads!
"So," I said. "Where's my gun?"
Meanwhile, in a different part of the cul-de-sac, three boys and two girls were huddled around a large piece of paper in a backyard. They were discussing plans about how to infiltrate the "enemy's" defenses.
Ed's little sister, Sarah, spoke up. "Okay, we've been waiting all winter for the first water fight of the year, and here it is. We've had a few victories already, but it's not over yet."
"Yeah," said Kevin. "Remember that ambush I pulled off behind the shed? Those dorks never knew what hit them!"
"Yes!" said the Hispanic kid named Rolf. "It reminded me of the War of the Yorba People. It was-..."
"Rolf, I think we have more pressing matters at hand," said Nazz in an irritated tone of voice.
"Right," agreed Sarah. "Those Eds are going to keep at it unless we defeat them savagely and mercilessly."
"Great!" said Jonny. "Wait. What's that, Plank?" Jonny turned to his best friend, Plank. "Plank says that the current blueprints for the next plan aren't going to work unless we make one quick change."
Kevin rolled his eyes. Everyone else asked what the change was. Jonny took a pencil and sketched a few more lines on the map of the neighborhood and explained his plan. When he was done, everyone congratulated him. "Thanks, guys! It was Plank's idea."
"Sarah! Sarah!" shouted a voice to the side. It was coming from a boy wearing a large retainer and was running towards them.
"What is it, Jimmy?" asked Sarah.
Jimmy was panting heavily as he ran up to his friends. "I finished spying on the Eds, like you told me to, and they just added someone on their side. A really big kid I've never seen before!"
Everyone started becoming nervous. "Well, whoever this new guy is, he's not going down without a fight!" shouted Sarah. "We follow the plan and we should pull through victoriously!"
"Yes! Let us get the Ed boys!" yelled Rolf.
The kids grabbed their loaded water guns and put them in their pockets.
"Look out, dorks, here we come," said Kevin.
"How do I get myself into these messes?" I thought to myself. Here I was with a water gun in each hand plastered up against a house while the three Ed boys split up on their own reconnaissance missions. I tried to think about my allies' attributes. Ed was incredibly dumb, so it was unlikely he'd pull off any brilliant maneuvers on the enemy. Edd was the smart one, so he probably came up with an ingenious plan to ambush the other kids. Eddy could...well, I was unsure about him. He could be aggressive when he wanted to, as long as he wasn't lured into a trap by some irresistible bait.
I then began thinking about the enemy. My instincts told me all of the neighborhood kids were against me and the Eds. I knew I had to steer clear of the temperaments of Sarah, Kevin, and Rolf. I decided my best bet was to lay an assault on Jonny, Jimmy, or Nazz. Now, if I only knew where everyone was.
I decided to get a better view. I looked to my right and saw a drainpipe. Using all of my strength, I climbed up the pipe and crawled along the roof of the house. I lay on my stomach as I surveyed the entire cul-de-sac. I saw the Eds on the far side of the circle. They had reunited without seeing any of the enemy. I gulped as I saw that they were also in trouble. Sarah, Kevin, and the rest of the kids had surrounded the Eds, who were unaware of the enemy's presence. They were planning to ambush the Eds at any second!
Part of me was fed up with all this and wanted to leave. But a bigger part of me wanted to stay and help those three boys. Ed, Edd, and Eddy were some of my favorite cartoon characters! I had watched their show from the first episode. Didn't I owe it to the Eds to save them after all the entertainment they'd provided me? Without a word, I jumped off the roof into a bush (which I not recommend you do, unless you are in a cartoon as well) and ran toward the Eds, water pistols in hand.
"Did you see them?" asked Eddy to his buddies.
"I can't understand it!" said Edd to himself. "How can they hide themselves like that? And we searched everywhere! It was as if they weren't there at all!"
"They must have disappeared into the alternate universe!" shouted Ed, hysterically.
"SSSssshh! Be quiet, Ed," whispered Eddy. He was trying to think of what to do next. "We need to try and find that new guy so-..."
"FREEZE, DIRTBAGS!" shouted Sarah. She dove out from behind a bush and aimed her water gun at the Eds.
"Oh my. This is not good," said Edd.
Sarah let out a whistle and the rest of the kids came out from around the corners of the house and from bushes.
"Put them down, Ed boys," said Rolf.
"Yeah! We got you dorks surrounded again!" yelled Kevin.
"Oh yeah?" said Eddy, not letting his guard down. "Well, we've got a secret weapon that's gonna give us the upper hand!"
"We have upper hands?" asked Ed.
"We have a secret weapon?" asked Edd, confusingly.
"YEAH!" I shouted, and came out from behind a bush. All the kids, except the Eds, looked at me in shock. They had expected a kid their age to be on the Eds' side, not some seventeen year old guy with something behind his back. "Behold! The secret weapon!" I brought my hand out from behind my back and revealed to the kids.....the fourth jawbreaker. Some plan, huh?
All the kids busted out laughing, including the Eds.
"That's your secret weapon? A jawbreaker?" laughed Sarah.
"This guy's an even bigger dork than the Eds!" shouted Kevin.
"Hey, why are we laughing?" asked Eddy, who realized that my plan appeared to have backfired.
My plan, however, was only halfway done. Angered by Kevin's remark, I pretended to fiddle with something on the back of the jawbreaker. Then, I shouted at the top of my lungs, "This is no ordinary jawbreaker! It's a jawbreaker bomb!! And it'll go off the second it hits the ground!" Before anyone could stop me, I threw the jawbreaker high into the air.
"Aaaugh! Don't let it get me, Sarah," said Jimmy, who ducked behind her.
"Look out!" shouted Nazz.
All eyes were on the jawbreaker high in the air. My diversion worked! No one saw me as I ran quickly toward the Eds. As I ran past Jonny, I involuntarily sprayed a jet of water at Plank. I don't know why, but it was just something I've always wanted to do, I guess. I snatched up the Eds in my arms and ran like crazy into the next yard.
A few moments passed. The neighborhood kids opened their eyes and saw the jawbreaker sitting in the ground. It didn't take them long to figure out what had happened.
"Rrrrr. They tricked us!" shouted the temperamental Sarah.
"Plank! They got Plank!" yelled Jonny. He held the wet plank in his hands. "Speak to me, buddy!"
"What do we do now?" asked Jimmy.
"What we should have done in the first place," muttered Kevin. "Execute...Plan K!"
All the kids gasped. "Don't you think that's a little drastic?" asked Nazz.
Kevin looked at the "wounded" Plank. "Nope," he said. Kevin then took out a cell phone and dialed up a number. "Hello?...Yeah...uh-huh, go right on ahead." Kevin hung up.
"Ooooh, those boys are going to be in a hot pickle stew now!" said Rolf excitedly.
"C'mon! Let's head over to the rendezvous point!" said Sarah. Everyone else just stared at her. They didn't know what that big 'R' word meant. Sarah sighed. "Let's go meet up with them."
At the top of the hill that led into the cul-de-sac, a go-kart appeared. Three figures were sitting in it. They were surrounded by deflated balloons. The vehicle raced into the cul-de-sac. The license plate read "KANKER". (Uh-oh.)
Meanwhile, I was back with the Eds. They began asking me who I was and where I came from. I told them my name was Edward, and they instantly accepted me as one of them. I told them I was wandering all over the place and that I had recently stopped in Townsville. They had never met a wandering person before and they really appreciated my company. Soon, our minds got back onto the battle at hand. As we talked, some thunderclouds had appeared in the sky and thunder could be heard in the distance.
"Where is everybody now?" asked Eddy.
"I don't know!" cried Edd. "According to my calculations, they should still be in the vicinity."
"I had a calculation in my pocket once," said Ed.
"Tell you what, Edward," said Eddy to me. "Try and go around this house and we'll cover you from the rear. Got it?"
I agreed. I grabbed the water guns and made my way around the house. When I got to front yard, I said to myself that everything was quiet. Too quiet. (Great. Now I'm saying overused sayings to myself!) I looked up and saw the thunderclouds block out the sun. "Well, everything seems to be going alright," I said.
I should've kept my big mouth shut.
Immediately, a rubber something hit me in the side of the head and water exploded all over me. I slammed into the side of the house. "Eds!" I shouted, temporarily stunned.
"Y'hear, that girls? Our boyfriends are somewhere close by!" That voice. I should've known.
The Eds came running around the corner and came to my aid, but they screamed when they saw who hit me with the water balloon. "It's the Kanker sisters!" they shouted.
I got the water out of my eyes and observed three very ugly girls standing before us. They had a go-kart behind them that was filled with water balloons which were now filled with water. Standing around the Kankers were the rest of the neighborhood kids, their water guns pointed directly at us. Lightning flashed and thunder rumbled ominously when I saw everyone.
"It's over, Eds," said the blue-haired Kanker girl.
"You guys are gonna get so soaked!" said the yellow-haired Kanker girl.
"Any last requests, boys, before we soak ya?" said the red-haired Kanker girl.
Once again, I asked myself how I got into this mess. Here I was facing death by water gun as the Ed boys cowered next to me. I could only come up with one plan: throw the Eds at the enemy and make my getaway. I'd be betraying them, but I definitely wanted to get out of here.
Turned out, I didn't have time to execute my plan.
I didn't know what happened next at first. I thought it was like the end of the world or something. One moment, me and the Eds were looking down the barrels of ten water guns and an infinite arsenal of water balloons. The next, an explosion occurred off to the left. A brilliant flash of white light blinded everybody! Then, an ear-splitting BOOM rocked the entire neighborhood. Everyone started screaming, including myself. We scrambled over each other, dropping our weapons in the process. All the kids ran to their homes as fast as they could while I ran out of that cul-de-sac as fast as my legs could carry me. A torrent of rain fell on me as I ran to a bus shelter at the intersection.
As I huddled under the shelter, I looked back and saw some flames on a tree, just two houses over from where we stood. Lightning must have struck it and caused everybody to panic. I concluded that the Great Water Gun War had ended in a truce....at least, for that battle.
I lay down on the bench in the shelter and my head landed on a paper sack. Inside the sack was a few dollar bills! Now I could take the bus instead of walking! I pocketed the money, hoping the Powerpuff Girls didn't catch me. Then, I decided to take a quick nap until the bus came, which was about ten minutes later.
After I left the cul-de-sac and the storm passed, the kids would have four more major water battles before fall came. The Eds got whooped every time. Still, they always remembered that big kid, Edward, and how he brought the storm to save them from defeat. The other kids went about their normal routines as well and soon forgot about me. As for the Kankers, they ran all the way home and only then remembered that they left their go-kart back at the battlegrounds. They went back to get it after the rain stopped. The Eds saw the opportunity and hid on the roof of a nearby house with the water balloons. They surprised the girls with the balloons as they hauled their slightly rusted go-kart towards home. The Eds really enjoyed that moment. You could call it payback for that one water balloon episode where the Kankers kept pelting the boys with water balloons.
So here I was, on a bus heading out of the neighborhood. I continued wondering if this was the path that could lead me back home.
(Up next: How I Became A Vegetarian....The Cow and Chicken Chapter)
