"How I Became A Vegetarian...The Cow and Chicken Chapter"
I sat on the bus seat as the bus continued down the road. I had no clue as to where I was going. All I knew for sure was that I was heading somewhere...maybe back home. The other passengers consisted of the usual bus-riding stereotypes. Y'know, old ladies, punks, biker guys, you name it. They obviously weren't going to talk to me, so I just sat back and enjoyed the ride.
I rode on that bus for about thirty minutes before I lost my patience. Either that, or I realized I had traveled as far as my money could take me. Whichever reason it was, I got up when the bus stopped at the next bus stop, and I paid the driver. When I stepped off the bus, I viewed my surroundings.
I saw a large swamp off to my left. To the right, I saw a house on a hill. The animation had changed again. This time, it was far more fluid and surreal than in the Powerpuff Girls or Ed, Edd, and Eddy. "This seems familiar," I said to myself. But I couldn't remember which show it was. I decided to head up to the house.
When I got there, I knocked on the front door. Right before the door opened, it suddenly hit me. I had figured out which show I was in! To confirm my suspicions, the door opened to reveal a short, skinny, malnourished chicken.
"Yeah. May I help you?" Chicken asked in a very sarcastic tone.
As you have already seen, I can come up with the most outlandish lies you've ever heard of right off the top of my head. So, after taking a second to think, I came up with a response. "I'm your cousin, Zeke!" I said with a grin.
"I ain't got no cousin Zeke," said Chicken.
"Your...DISTANT cousin Zeke," I replied.
"Will you get out a here before I call the cops?" Chicken threatened.
I probably would've left at that point, but a voice from inside the house stopped me. "Chicken? Who's at the door?" said a woman's voice. Two pairs of legs appeared behind Chicken. Judging from the shoes, the legs belonged to a man and a woman, obviously the parents of Chicken and Cow, wherever she was.
"Just some guy who thinks he's a relative of ours, Mom," pouted Chicken.
"A relative? We love relatives! C'mon in!" said Chicken's dad. Chicken glared at me as I stepped inside. I went into the kitchen and saw Cow. She was squirting milk out of her udder. The milk flew high into the air and landed in a glass next to her dinner plate.
"We were just about to serve dinner," said the Mom. "Honey, could you set an extra table setting for Zeke?"
"Don't mind if I do," said the Dad.
As they set the table, Cow waved to me and I waved back. "Are you our long lost uncle?" she asked.
"Cousin, actually," I answered.
We probably would've continued talking, but Chicken shoved me into the living room. He had quite a bit of strength for such a small chicken. "Look, whoever you are. I'm gonna allow you a little food just this once, but once you're done, you are out a here, got it?!"
This was fine by me. Cow and Chicken never was one of my favorite cartoon shows anyway.
When we were all at the table, the Dad spoke up first. "So, Zeke, how's it been?"
"Oh, um, fine," I said. "I just got off the bus today, and I feel like I've been traveling on the bus all day long, y'know?"
"Oooh! Oooh!" squealed Cow. "I've been on a bus once!"
"Really?" I asked. "Tell me all about it!" This way, I wouldn't have to make up anymore stories.
Chicken stared at me throughout the entire dinner. When we were all done, I was positive he was going to force me out of the house, but before he had the chance, the doorbell rang.
"Zeke, could you get that?!" yelled the Mom from upstairs.
I dashed to the door and was met by a vacuum cleaner salesman. He wore a three-piece suit, a fedora, and had a briefcase in his hand. But this wasn't just your run-of-the-mill vacuum salesman. This salesman had red skin! And no pants!!! (Yes, folks, it's that red guy again.)
"Hellllllooo," said the Red Guy. His pitiful salesman disguise made him look even more ridiculous than he already was. "May I interest you in a vacuum cleaner?"
"Uh...I....um," I stammered.
"Awww. I see you can't seem to make up your mind right now. Yes, WELL TOO BAD!!" he shouted.
With that, the Red Guy abruptly entered the house. I was too stunned to stop him. He ran right into Chicken at that moment.
"Hey! What are you doing in my house?" Chicken then turned to me. "And didn't I tell you to scram?!"
Before I could answer, the Red Guy whipped out a vacuum cleaner from his briefcase. He turned it on and pointed the nozzle at Chicken. Chicken was instantly sucked into the vacuum cleaner.
I heard a gasp from the kitchen. It was Cow. She saw her "brother" get sucked into the vacuum cleaner too. "What are you doing, Vacuum man?!" she screeched.
"Hmm. Something tells me I've overstayed my welcome. Ta-tah!" said the Red Guy. He quickly ran past me and out the door.
"Ooooh! Help, Zeke! What do we do?" she grabbed me by my shirt collar as she said that.
I could only think of one thing to do. "I'll go after him. You, um, stay here and...do something." I immediately ran out the door.
Cow stood alone in the living room. She thought to herself for a moment, and then she ran into a closet. She felt her hooves along the top shelf, searching for a familiar costume...
I ran out of the house just in time to see the Red Guy dash into the swamp with the vacuum and Chicken. He had apparently ditched the costume and briefcase. I ran after them through the muck-filled swamp. I tried my best to get through the swamp, but it was slow-going. Finally, I heard someone screaming. It sounded like Chicken! I ran to a bush and parted the leaves. I saw the Red Guy sitting inside a small crane that was lowering a tied-up Chicken into the bayou water. A ring of alligators was circling in the water below Chicken. I ran out into the clearing.
"Hold it! Don't move!" I shouted. I sounded like a cop. The crane stopped moving, and the Red Guy stared at me.
"Ha! And just what do you plan to do if I do move? Hmmm?" mocked the Red Guy.
To tell you truth, I didn't know what to do next at all. Because of the slimy atmosphere in the swamp and Chicken screaming "Don't just stand there, Zeke. Get me out of here!", I couldn't think clearly at the moment. I thought about launching myself at the Red Guy. But before I could, someone else beat me to it!
"AAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!"
The shriek echoed all over the place. I ducked and closed my eyes, thinking some swamp witch was attacking us.
"What the...?" asked Red Guy.
"Look!" shouted Chicken.
I opened my eyes and right before me stood Cow! She was dressed from horn to hoof in a wacky purple superhero costume.
"SUPER COW!!" she shouted. She then started yelling out a bunch of Spanish words for some reason. As she did, Cow took a flying leap towards the crane! She tackled the Red Guy right out of the crane's cabin, and they fell behind a large bush. Stars and fighting sounds started coming from the bush.
I wanted to get Chicken out of here, but I didn't know how to work a crane, and the gators were still swimming nearby. I didn't need to worry, because Cow suddenly ran out from behind the bush and headed for the gators. She held the battered and bruised Red Guy above her head like a mallet and ran into the water. The next scene reminded me of the "Whack-a-Gator" arcade game where you whack the machine-like gators with a foam mallet. In short, Cow took care of those alligators very easily. She then tossed the Red Guy into deeper water. I last saw the red guy swimming off into the distance with gators right behind him.
"Thanks, Super Cow!" said the now-released Chicken.
"No thanks needed, little one, but I must be off! Mooo!" With that, Cow ran off in the direction of the house.
After a minute or so, Chicken turned to me. "Look, Zeke, um, maybe I was a little rough with you back there, so...uh..."
"No need to apologize, Chicken," I said. "I was just planning on leaving anyway. I do need to go the bathroom, though."
With that, we headed toward the house.
When I was finished, I went downstairs and saw Chicken talking to Cow about how he was "this close to being gator bait" and how Super Cow saved him. It always struck me odd that Chicken could never figure out that Super Cow was really Cow in a bad costume.
"Well, I'll be going now!" I exclaimed.
"Take care!" said the Mom and Dad.
"Bye-bye!" shouted Cow.
"Yeah, whatever," said Chicken, but he waved at me anyway.
I walked down to the road, and I thought to myself, "What the heck. I'll just keep on walking." I walked along the side of the road until the swamp and the house were far behind me. Having no money, no food, and clue to where I was going I kept walking down the two-lane road.
The only odd thing that happened to me along the way was when this freaky ape-like person in a white shirt ran across the road in front of me with a straw hat in his paw. Before he ran off into the tall grass, I caught a glimpse of his big red butt before he ran out of sight. Moments later, an orange weasel ran across the road. He stopped in the middle of the road and saw me. He was panting heavily as he walked up to me.
"Excuse me, sir," he proclaimed in a deep voice. "Have you seen a rather large baboon run by with my favorite hat?"
"Uh, yeah," I said. "He went that way," and I pointed in the direction where he went.
"Thank you, sir," said Weasel. He then ran into the grass, shouting "I.R.! Give me back my hat!"
I scratched my head, wondering if I was going crazy. Then, thinking nothing more of that odd occurrence, I continued walking down the road.
(Up next: "Dexter's Dilemma")
