"Don't Kiss the Cook" (The Time Squad Chapter)
(I was going to make this chapter a separate story, but then I thought, why not include it in this one?)
Onward I walked. To tell you the truth, I was getting a little tired of all this walking. But I couldn't see any other form of transportation available. I noticed that I was leaving the neighborhood now and entering two fields, one on either side of the road. I saw a scarecrow standing in the middle of the field on the right. I was bored beyond belief at this moment, and I had to talk to someone about my adventures. So I entered the field and walked up to the scarecrow. I told the scarecrow all about my adventures with the cartoons I had seen. The Powerpuff Girls; Ed, Edd, and Eddy; Cow and Chicken; Dexter; Johnny Bravo; and the Kids Next Door. I must've spent over an hour talking to that scarecrow.
I was just about to explain to him that I didn't know how I was going to get home, when suddenly, an explosion occurred twenty feet in front of me! I had to shield my eyes from the explosion's bright light. When I opened my eyes, I saw that the explosion was gone! In its place stood three figures with their backs to me.
Even from behind, I recognized them immediately. One of them was a muscled man in a black and white uniform and boots. With him was a metal robot and a small boy. I knew that it had to be Time Squad!
An idea formed in my head. Maybe their time-traveling technology could teleport me back to my home! With that in mind, I got to my feet and walked over to the Time Squad. As I got closer to them, I could hear their conversation.
"Hey! This isn't the satellite!" Buck Tuddrussel said.
"Oopsie," said Larry 3000. "I must've pushed a wrong button or something."
"That's been happening a lot lately, hasn't it?" asked the kid named Otto.
"Yes," agreed Larry. "Well, this new keyboard is obviously too small for my fingers."
Buck sighed. "Here. Let me see that."
I could hear Buck push some buttons on the keyboard as I approached. "There we go," he said.
"Excuse m-..." I began.
I was suddenly hit with a bright light and a loud ZAP!!! Next thing I knew, I had lost my balance, tripped over Otto, and landed hard on the floor.
"Oh my!" said Larry. "It seems we've picked up a visitor."
Buck quickly pulled out a ray gun and shouted, "Don't worry, guys! I got it covered."
"Wait!" shouted Otto, in my defense. "Let's figure out who he is first." He helped me get to my feet. "What's your name?"
"Jonathan," I said. I looked around. "Wow! Is this your satellite?"
"Oh, absolutely," said Larry, as Buck put away his gun. "Do you like it?"
I'll say I did. There was a huge window on one wall that displayed the Earth floating in the vastness of space. It was breathtaking. "This is really....amazing," I said, trying not to cry. "But..." I cleared my throat and assumed a more serious tone. "I need to get back home. Do you think you could transport me home real quick?"
"Sure!" exclaimed Otto. "We'd be happy to. Right guys?"
"Sure," said Buck. "As long as Butterfingers here doesn't mess up again."
"I already told you," argued Larry. "The buttons are too small!"
"Well, I'M not the one who installed the keyboard."
"You leave Otto out of this!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"Yeah??!!"
"Yeah!!!!"
Otto and I were just about to break them up, but an alarm beat us to it. Red and blue police lights whirled all around us, and a police siren screamed all over the satellite.
"We'll discuss this later," said Larry, as he ran to the monitor room.
"Nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh," mimicked Buck, who ran after Larry.
"But what about me!" I cried out.
"Sorry, Jonathan. We have to take care of this first," said Otto, as the four of us ran down the hall.
Larry was seated in front of over twenty viewscreens. Buck, Otto, and I stood behind him. The main screen quickly displayed the portrait of a uniformed navigator named James Cook and the year 1778.
"Wow! James Cook!" said Otto eagerly. "He was an 18th century British explorer who was known for his voyages to the Pacific Ocean and his application of scientific methods to exploration and cartography!"
"Yeah!" I blurted out. "He explored the coasts of New Zealand and eastern Australia and discovered the Hawaiian Islands!"
The three of them seemed very impressed that I knew those facts. Actually, I had to do a report on James Cook not too long ago.
Upon mentioning Hawaii, Buck Tuddrussel quickly dashed off into a hall and came back with a surfboard and sunglasses. "Hawaii, huh? Alright! Time for some fun in the sun!"
The three Time Squad members headed to the transporter platform. "Now Tuddrussel, keep in mind that were on a mission here and..."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll get to it," said Buck, half paying attention.
"Hey!" I shouted. "What about me?"
"Hmmm," said Larry. "I'm afraid you'll have to come with us."
Was this for real? Was I actually going to go on a Time Squad mission? For a moment, I just stood there, taking it all in. Then I walked up onto the platform
behind Otto and watched Larry punch in the coordinates.
A bright flash and a loud ZAP later, we were in Hawaii. My view of the Earth outside the window had instantly changed to a white sandy beach, with palm trees swaying in the breeze and waves crashing onto the shore. Hawaii looked a little different for some reason. Then I remembered that this was 18th century Hawaii. No condos or hotels or tourists clogging the beaches! A paradise, to say the least.
"Woo-hoo! Surf's up!" yelled Buck. He began to run to the ocean, but Larry stopped him.
"Not so fast. First we need to find this Cook fellow and complete our mission."
"Awww," groaned Buck.
"Where do you suppose Cook is?" I asked.
"I have a hunch he might be over there," said Otto, who pointed to something behind me.
I turned around and saw a tall building sticking up out of the palm trees below it. It was made entirely out of palm tree trunks, and it had balconies and windows on the side facing the ocean. It was a hotel! On top of the building, stood a big sign that read "Cook's Condos". On the beach in front of the condos was a group of islanders lounging on towels and deck chairs and acting like tourists. There were also people swimming in the water. In deeper water floated a large wooden ship.
One islander ran up to us. "Hey, dudes!" he shouted.
"Dudes?" asked a bewildered Larry.
"Yeah, isn't this place great?"
"I'll say!" said Buck.
"We need to talk to Mr. Cook!" declared Otto.
"No sweat, little guy. He's working the front desk inside his hotel. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta get my board! Killer wave approaching, dude!" He ran off.
"C'mon!" said Otto. Let's go to that hotel!"
Once we arrived in the hotel's lobby, Buck walked over to the front desk and rang the service bell. As soon as the "ding, ding, dings" died out, a man wearing a white wig came out and stood behind the desk. If it weren't for the wig, we wouldn't have known he was a British explorer. The rest of his outfit included a Hawaiian shirt, shorts, sandals, and sunglasses.
"Welcome to Cook's Condos! Would you care to sign in?" Cook held out the sign-in book.
Buck flashed his badge to Cook. "Deputy Officer Buck Tuddrussel. Time Squad. You're in violation of..."
"Hey! Almost forgot!" interrupted Cook. "We also have discounts over by the other desk."
"Really?" asked Buck.
"Actually, sir," said Larry. "You should be continuing your voyages of the Pacific Ocean."
"That's right," added Otto. "There are still plenty of places you need to explore."
It was my turn to speak up. "So why don't you jump back in that ship of yours and head on out of here?"
"Are you kidding?" exclaimed Cook. "Look at this place! I single-handedly created a tourism industry on this island! And my travels have proved that there isn't another group of islands within miles of this place! Good-bye competition!"
"But what about your explorations?" asked Otto.
"Oh, I think I've explored enough already. Besides, I'm thinking of staying here and expanding my chain of condos to the other islands. Think of the profits! People all over Britain will love it here!"
"Really," said Larry. "And how do you plan to do that if you're stuck here?"
Without a word, Cook clapped his hands. Moments later, ten crewmen entered the lobby. "My men would be more than happy to carry out the job. I just need to make the proper arrangements first."
"This is terrible," I whispered to Otto and Larry.
"I'll say," agreed Larry. "We need some way to get Cook back onto his journey."
"Right," said Otto. "Hey, where's Tuddrussel?"
It didn't take long to find him. He was looking at some brochures near the front door. "Whoa! There's gonna be a luau up at the penthouse tonight!"
"Tuddrussel!" scolded Larry. "Are you going to help us on this mission, or not?"
Buck was about to answer, when all of a sudden, an islander entered the lobby from outside. "Hey, everybody! They're holding free surfing lessons now! C'mon!"
"Free surfing lessons?" repeated Buck. "Awright! I'm there!" He dashed out the door. Larry, Otto, and I sighed in unison.
Buck spent most of the day practicing how to surf alongside Cook. Eventually, Buck learned how to hang ten. The rest of us tried to come up with an idea on how to get Cook back on his travels, but the warm sun and crashing of the waves were irresistible. Finally, with Larry's permission, Otto and I took a break and swum out into the surf. Larry hung out with the locals, who were turned off by his tales of molecular transfusion and stuff.
The luau took place that night on the roof of the condo. Everyone on the island came out. I was afraid the building would collapse from the weight, but the tree trunks were surprisingly strong. A long table was on one end, with Hawaiian food all over it, including a entire roasted boar! There was singing and dancing between islanders and British men and everyone was having a swell time. Behind the table, overlooking the luau were two large chairs with fire lanterns on each side. In one chair sat Cook. The Hawaiian Emperor sat in the other.
"Who's that?" asked Buck pointing to the emperor.
Otto thought for a moment. "He's the current ruler of the Hawaiian Islands. He has a long name. What was it again?"
I tried to remember the name from my Cook report. "I believe his name was Kamehamea."
Kamehamea and Cook got up from their chairs and gathered everybody's attention. "My people!" declared Kamehamea. "We are honored to have this man bring us an industry that will make our tiny islands prosper!" Much applause followed.
Cook spoke up. "Now, the hula girls will be here shortly..." Many people cheered, especially Buck. "...but first, let me stress to you all the fact that I hope this tourism industry will bring wealth and good fortune to this wonderful place!" Everyone cheered. "Now, let the luau continue!"
Cook spread out his arms with enthusiasm when he said the final sentence. But when he did, one of his arms knocked over a lantern. The lantern landed near a small stick which was soon engulfed in flames. The stick was holding up a large stone statue. The stick quickly broke apart, which caused the statue to fall off the roof of the hotel! Everyone gasped when they heard a sickening crash from below. The statue had been reduced to pebbles upon hitting the ground.
"You fool!" declared Kamehamea to Cook. "You've destroyed our sacred statue of Pele, our goddess of fire! She will be most angered by what you have done!"
"Now hold on, Kamehaha," said Buck, who mispronounced the emperor's name. "No need to overreact. I mean, what's the worst this goddess could do anyhow?"
My stomach involuntarily sank after hearing that question, and with good reason. The building began to shake and quiver.
"Look!" shouted Larry with fear.
We all turned and gasped. A volcano was erupting! Molten lava was spewing out of the top, and a river of lava was heading straight towards the building!
Everyone began running for the exits. Some islanders actually leaped off the building into the trees (they all survived). The rest of us ran down flights and flights of stairs to the lobby. We ran out the front door and along the beach.
A half mile later, we all stopped and heard a loud crash behind us. We turned and saw the hotel collapsing. Fire had already destroyed the lower floors and now the building was slowly falling towards the Earth. It disappeared in a sea of steam because the lava had made contact with the ocean.
Cook sighed sadly. "Well, so much for my dream as a tourism executive."
Otto looked up at him. "Maybe now you can continue your journeys."
Cook looked out to his ship, which was silhouetted against the starry sky. His crew was already in a lifeboat, urging him to join them. "You think so?" asked Cook.
"Hey!" shouted Kamehamea nearby. "You have angered the goddess Pele. And for that, you must pay! Attack!" Kamehamea charged at Cook with the islanders right behind him. Cook screamed and dove into the lifeboat. The boat began moving over the waves towards the ship.
"C'mon, Larry," I said desperately. "I think we're next if you don't get us out of here now!"
"Okay!" said Larry. "Just a minute." He flipped up the little monitor on his arm. "Now where do you live again?"
We heard the emperor shout "Get them!", and I was horrified to see the islanders charging right at us!
"Alachua, Florida. Year 2003! Hurry!"
Larry typed in the information as best he could on the screen. The islanders were getting closer.
"Uh, Larry," said Buck. "You think you could HURRY IT UP A BIT??!!"
"I'm trying! First, I have to send Jonathan home, while sending us to the satellite at the same time!" He added, "Stupid keyboard."
Otto and I huddled with fear as the islanders were almost upon us. Buck Tuddrussel was fixing to take them all on if necessary. He reached for his ray gun.
"Got it!" shouted Larry. He pushed the last button and the four of us zapped out of there. The islanders immediately ran away screaming from our disappearing act.
I opened my eyes. Whew. I wasn't in 18th century Hawaii anymore. The problem was, I wasn't home either.
Ten seconds after returning to the satellite, Larry made a shocking discovery. "Uh-oh," he said.
"Now what?" asked Buck.
"I think I goofed again."
"That's it! We are getting you a bigger keyboard. Right now!" Buck ran off down a hallway.
"What happened?" asked Otto.
"It seems our friend Jonathan has been dropped of somewhere else. I had the correct date, but the wrong location."
"Well, where is he?" inquired Otto.
"According to the log, he was dropped off in..." Larry's expression changed to one of surprise. "Nowhere!"
Otto gasped. "You mean Jonathan's floating around in a void of nothing?"
"No. Just some town called Nowhere. I'm sure he'll manage."
Buck returned with a huge computer keyboard and a screwdriver in each hand. "Okay, Larry. Let's install that new keyboard!"
"Now wait just a minute, you big...Hey!...You don't know anything about...AAAA!!!" Larry ran off in fright with Buck right behind him.
Meanwhile, Otto walked over to an atlas an opened it. It took him a while to locate the town of Nowhere. It was located in central Kansas.
"I hope you're okay, Jonathan," said Otto to himself.
(A.N. This chapter contains several historical inaccuracies. For example, when James Cook discovered Hawaii, he named the islands the Sandwich Islands, in
honor of the 4th earl of Sandwich, then head of the British Admiralty. Also, Kamehamea's relationship with Cook wasn't friendly at all. Cook was killed by the
Hawaiians on a return voyage in 1779. And yes, I really did do a report on Cook. Where do you think I got all this information?)
(Coming soon: I meet my favorite Cartoon Cartoon, Courage the Cowardly Dog. Expect some interesting surprises in this one.)
