A/N Hey everyone!! Sorry for the wait between chapters but heres a fresh one for ya! And be prepared, if I can put what I'm envisioning into words then the next few chapters will be tearjerkers!! But please please pretty please review!!!

Disclaimer ~ I still own nothing, surprise surprise

Spoilers ~ everything has happened up to ep 18 of season 3, after that its AU all the way, its just my ending for the season!!

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CHAPTER 5 : THE WORST OF OUR YESTERDAYS
It had been five days. Five long, drawn out days. And in these days I have had minimal contact with anyone but mom and Luke. Everyone in the town has been avoiding me, probably because when they were around me they didn't feel like they could discuss and mull over the multiple reasons they had conjured in their minds for why Jimmy had decided to come to town. So instead, they treated me like I had leprosy or smallpox or the Ebola Virus or something equally contagious.

I didn't really mind the fact that the town had decided to ignore me, I was actually enjoying not having to endlessly listen to the latest ideas for town celebrations, but there was one thing about the completeness of this silent treatment that wasn't so great. It had extended as far as Jess, who hadn't talked to me since the day on the playground.

I knew that he had gone and talked to his father and returned late that night from what Luke had told me, but that was it. I knew nothing about anything that had been discussed and I didn't know how Jess was holding up and that frustrating feeling of absolute helplessness was making a second appearance, with cameos in the form of uselessness and futility.

It also hurt a little that Jess had obviously been avoiding me and didn't feel like he confide in me anymore, and I was going over the hundreds of times I had caught a glimpse of him before he abruptly disappeared around a corner or into a crowd, when I noticed him come out of the storeroom, catch sight of me sitting at the counter, and promptly take a break.

I shook my head slightly and added a muffled snort for dramatic effect. Right, ok this wasn't going to do. I dug into my pockets and dropped money on the counter for my coffee and walked out right behind him, determined to find him. Not seeing him anywhere I instinctively headed toward the only place that I thought he could be, the bridge.

Our bridge.

Sure enough as I rounded the corner and pushed flimsy tree branches out of my way I caught sight of him sitting with his legs dangling over the side. His hands were implanted on his knees and he was just staring over the water, yet I saw nothing of the usual assuredness or confidence about him. Instead his shoulders were rolled and his back hunched, his head dropped into his chest. I noticed the delicate swirl of cigarette smoke floating around him and instantly frowned. He had promised me he would quit that.

I walked timidly toward the bridge, my feet steadily picking spots to tread upon next, the damp of the evening collecting on my sneakers with every fresh stride.

In an ill attempt to seem calm and collected I tried to add a little meander to my steps, but to no avail. I was nervous and everything about me said it, my heart was pounding rapidly and my breath came short and shallow. There was something in the atmosphere of the situation that was daunting, and because of it I felt shivers form at the base of my back and spread through my body so that it trembled every so often.

I noticed him stiffen a little when he heard the snapping of sticks under my feet as I slowly approached him. I sat down softly next to him, and just as he began to stand up, saying something about needing to get back to the diner, I placed my hand on his shoulder and lightly pushed him back down. "Jess, we need to talk."

He sat back down heavily, avoiding my eyes at all costs, but not objecting and allowing my hand to guide him back to the bridge. "What has been going on lately?" I asked softly, fruitlessly searching for his gaze. He shrugged "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Jess, you've been acting so reclusive for the past few days, especially to me. I haven't talked to you since the day by the playground; I don't think I've really even seen you since then. What's been going on?"

I finished my little speech in the usual record time I hold when talking, and waited for an answer. I watched him as he dropped his head down with his eyes, keeping his gaze completely to himself as he responded. "He left."

I didn't have to ask to know who he was talking about. I nodded slightly,

"When?"

"Night before last."

"I thought he was staying until Thursday."

"Decided to leave early, tends to do that a lot."

I was slightly surprised when he said that. Not because of what he said, but of how. I had expected a biting tone to go with that last little bit of information, but instead he deadpanned, like he didn't care, or maybe like he had something bigger to think about.

It was then that I decided to test the waters, to see if he was ready to re-open his walled life to me so I could help him or talk to him or even touch him again. I extended my hand tentatively, and placed it over his.

He flinched.

For the second time in a week I drew my hand back sharply. Now I was involuntarily getting frustrated.

He had completely shut me out.

Just after everything had been perfect; he had stopped smoking, he had stopped lying, he had graduated, and we were communicating superbly, and now, because of his father, it was all gone.

"Jess please don't do this." I said, hearing a pleading sound in my voice but not remembering having instructed it to be there. I tried to take his hand again but the response was the same, except this time he went as far as to pull it away before I even had the chance to touch him.

"I have to." He said quietly. "I figured that if I could just cut myself off from everything, completely sever any ties, push everyone away . . . then it would make it easier. That's why I haven't been returning your calls, or coming to your house or even talking to you." It was faint, upon remembrance I think I may have imagined it, but I thought I heard a slight waver of hurt in his voice. Pained longing, like he was fighting very hard to remain impassive.

"Jess, what are you talking about?" I questioned, now thoroughly confused.

"Its just," he paused, his hand moving with his words, as if trying to make he understand with a twisted sign language. He finally gave up and turned to face me, positioning himself so that one leg was bent and the other hung over the bridge. I moved to do the same, crossing my legs and again attempting eye contact, but he kept dodging it. So I gave up and waited for him to speak.

"I never told you what happened when I went to see him." He said slowly, glancing up and seeing my face remaining completely expressionless as I waited again for him to continue. Little did he know that I was praying inside of me that he was going to allow me back in. I guess this was one of the things that I learned from him, how to keep my face wiped of emotion, it's not a talent you boast about, but it is useful at times.

He sighed as he flicked his cigarette into the lake. "I went there, right after I saw you, and I went up to his room and we talked. It was extremely awkward but it did help. Then at the end he told me something . . . He said that I would always have a bed at his house. I would always be welcome, and if I ever wanted to come and live with him it was my choice, but he would be happy to have me."

He finally looked up at me, for the first time tonight unmasking his expression and letting my eyes probe his and I was shocked at the only thing that I found.

Resolution.

And it clicked.

Jess was going to go live with his father.

Jess was leaving me.

Jess was going to live with his father and he was leaving me alone in Stars Hollow.

I let a long, low breath escape my lips as I tore my gaze from his, letting everything process and feeling like someone had just dropped a large building on my chest, making me feel like if it hadn't been a necessity that I wouldn't have been able to keep breathing. I didn't speak for a while; I didn't want to, I couldn't find the right words, all that I was aware of was the throbbing sensation of cold fear enveloping me. After a long while a found the courage to speak again.

"Where does he live?"

"Venice Beach."

"California?"

With just a small nod of his head Jess triggered the greatest chain reaction of emotions inside of me that I have ever experienced. Shock and pain and hurt and confusion, sadness and a feeling of dejected abandonment to go with the icy hand constricting my heart were all terms that could have described what I was feeling. I felt my lungs deflate with the short, harsh breath escaped my lips as another bomb fell into my chest and sweat began to form on my palms.

I now had to place my hands on the bridge to keep myself from falling backwards onto its wooden slats. I needed to scream, I wanted to yell and argue and give him hell for leaving me like this, but first I needed complete confirmation. Whatever the magnitude of the string of pain that came from another nod, I needed to know, I needed to hear it from his lips.

"What did you say to him when he offered this Jess?" I asked quietly, pushing the words out calmly and composedly, despite the hammering of my heart inside my chest.

"I told him I would think about it.

"And you've thought about it?"

He nodded in confirmation

"What is your decision?" I nearly choked on the words as they came out, battling the deep swell of sadness that was threatening to make its presence known in the form of hot streaks from my eyes.

He paused for a second, trying to gain control of himself. I could see the internal struggle of his mind and his heart, each searching for dominance. He breathed in deeply, "Three days from now there is a plane that is leaving from Newark Airport to Venice Beach. I got my ticket in the mail yesterday."

That was when I felt it crack.

For the first time in my life I felt the searing pain of true heartbreak shooting throughout my entire body, ripping through my chest and tumbling my barrier against emotion. I felt my eyes well up as all the emotion from before doubled back and blew apart my insides as a deep, resentful flush rose in my cheeks, "So you're just going to leave? You're packing up and taking off? You're walking away from everything?"

I was staring into his eyes when I suddenly felt myself hating him for being so emotionless about this while everything inside of me was breaking apart. I couldn't understand how the white hot pain that was coursing through me at this news hadn't extended as far as to him and I wanted nothing more then to smack him for making this decision so easily. Then I noticed his shoulders hunch further and his head drop as he caught sight of the tears beginning to fall down my cheeks, and bit back further venomous comments until . . .

"There isn't anything here for me Rory." He said quietly.

I felt a stunned flare of anger inside of me; I couldn't believe that he had just said that, he couldn't have been thinking straight, "There's me! God Jess I can't understand how you could say that, I can't believe you would do this, just pick up and leave, were you even planning on telling me before you pulled a Houdini?" I gritted my teeth, feeling a fresh stab of hurt and fury beginning to boil inside of me.

"Of course I was going to tell you . . . I just didn't know how, I mean . . ." he trailed off desperately, eyes again fixed on the bridge and he stared at it, like he was trying to memorize the patterns in the wood.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me before now. I mean you obviously knew, being that you ordered the tickets and they arrived in the mail yesterday. And what hurts most is that you're telling me this now. Two days before you board a plane and pull yourself out of my life, before you take away what we had. Why would you do that? Why would you just ignore me when we should be spending every second together?"

"It was too hard . . . "

"And this is supposed to be easy for me? I don't have a choice here, you're the one who's leaving no matter what I do, tell me, what makes this so much harder for you then me?" I spat, I had heard the crack in his voice, but I was too emotional right then to worry about it.

Before I knew it he was exploding, leaning forward and raising his voice so loud that the ducks on the pond took off and flew away.

"Because I LOVE you!!! THAT'S why!"

He then moved back and sat where he was, encased in a complete and stricken shock at what he had just said, so much for severing ties.

I however, remained stoic, not wanting him to know how much it meant to me to hear that. I felt the ice that had built a wall around my heart in the last ten minutes melt away.

Jess loved me.

I became aware of a small elation in the pit of my stomach, but it was being smothered by anger and sorrow. Even though he had finally said that he loved me, he was still leaving, and that cut like a dagger, and I was still so livid at him for being so detached, I wanted him to feel the hurt that he was causing me.

"Great timing Jess."

My caustic and pointedly hurtful comment hung in the stunned air for a few moments before I decided it was time to take my leave, partly because I wanted to get away from this place and find somewhere unbiased and tranquil where I could think, and partly because I couldn't bring myself to look at the wounded expression on Jess' face. I shot him one final wrathful stare and with that I stood up and walked away, my feet becoming heavy as I forced them to move on. Leaving Jess sitting on the bridge in a dejected astonishment, stunned at what he said and crushed by how I reacted.

I knew this wasn't me. I knew I loved him, but I hated the fact that it took him moving to California for him to realize he felt the same way. I wanted to go back to him and hug him and tell him how much I cared about him, but right now I couldn't do anything but run home and fall into my bed, finally allowing the full barricade to fall away, and letting the few and far between tears escalate to their full potential, and completely soak my pillow all through the night.